Friend won't catch up on weekends...

[Amibeinghighmaintenance]

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

@Rossnagoose - oh for sure. i don't need a grand gesture. Just a friggin take away coffee and a walk around the block for 15 minutes on a Sunday would do.

I don’t meet up with people at the weekend much but if I do it isnt with dcs, its adult time.

I had a friend who wanted to meet up at the weekends with her dcs all the time, wish I’d spelled it out to her, that I didnt want to. She could meer during the week.

I would be a lot less available to her from now on. I hate this business of demoting friends to different categories. You sound more than reasonable and seemed happy to go along with child friendly dates so F her. Her loss.

I think my response would be: "well my boundary is that I won't catch up during working hours so I guess our paths won't cross much".

Plenty more people on a crowded planet.

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

Yes I totally get not wanting to make plans and if it was a case of she was feeling overwhelmed and didn't want to catch up fine. In fact our history has been one of bonding over having had similar past traumatic experiences (looking back pretty dysfunctional). But I feel that she is taking the piss now and taking advantage of me being understanding and if she can do other things and catch up with other people then why not me?

The fact that she has caught up with other people has really stung. I'm particularly annoyed about the couple friends but that is probably me being oversensitive - they also live down here, have bought properties etc. and I imagine I would have lots of things to chat about - I'm a very social person. But I'm single. I would bet good money that if I was in a couple I would have been worthy of a weekend invite....

I think you have hit the nail on the head, she wants to do things with her DP and other couples, nothing wrong with that.

Drop her like a hot brick. What a spoilt madam

Thanks all. You have de-escalated me!

I'm about to take myself for a lovely stroll around the block. But shall take on board further comments when I get back. So helpful.

@TrippinEdBalls okay, we are different then. I hate rushing out of the house after a full day at work. I am fine if it is going out for drinks later on, but a meal tends to be a long time and means travelling to a restaurant. Whereas popping with a friend to the local pub can be a short visit.

I seem to be in the minority but I don't think you're a Category B friend. I think she sees you as someone who can be available during the week. Lots of people can't. I have a friend I only see during the week. I don't think we're Category Bs to each other. I think you're taking it too personally tbh.

@Imyourvenus are we really in the 1950s where a single woman can not be invited to a social occasion with couples?

@ADisgruntledPelican

I seem to be in the minority but I don't think you're a Category B friend. I think she sees you as someone who can be available during the week. Lots of people can't. I have a friend I only see during the week. I don't think we're Category Bs to each other. I think you're taking it too personally tbh.

I disagree. She sees her as single so can fit in around what she wants.

It would annoy me if she actually used the word ‘boundary’ but other than that, I’d probably go along with her preferences and see her in the week, assuming you want to. Don’t try to make plans with her at weekends or worry about what she’s doing with other people. I’m also not sure it’s helpful to refer to friends in terms of ‘categories’. Everyone has their limitations.

I have friends I only see during the week and friends I only see at the weekends. I’m a single parent and my dc are with me 99% of the time so it’s easier to meet up when they are at school or at their dads (which isn’t often). Weekends often feel a bit overwhelming or underwhelming, sometime I have several friends wanting to do things and other times no one does.

I think when your married with a small child weekends are pretty busy, you want to unwind with your partner and have family time or even catch up on sleep.

OP in your reply to me you say your friend hasn't made any effort - but to her she probably has - she's offered times to meet that are convenient for her, and you don't want to do those times because you'd rather meet up on the weekend. So you don't see each other as a result - and maybe she's ok with that as she just assumes you will see each other at some point soon, whereas you're clearly not ok with it.

My 'best' friendships are with people who are similarly relaxed to me - we half make plans, one of us generally cancels, the other one isn't bothered, and then we usually end up meeting up randomly on a real spur of the moment thing weeks later when the stars align and we are both free and in the mood for it. No one gets arsey when the other person can't make it or forgets to reply to a message. I have some single friends who DH actively likes (and vice versa) and we all spend time together, I have other single friends where I know having them to the house would be a bit awkward so I tend to conduct those relationships solo. So it's not necessarily a 'couple friends' thing. You seem a bit obsessed with her seeing other people at the weekends - for whatever reason those people may fit 'better' with her weekend life, maybe they are also friends with her DH etc.

You sound like a great friend, but it just feels like you and your friend have different views of what friendship means, and where your particular friendship 'sits' - not in terms of priority as such, but just where and how you fit into each other's lives. And maybe that wasn't ever going to be obvious until you moved closer. Neither of you are wrong.

I know that she has a lot of issues. Which is why we probably bonded in the first place.

If this is what the friendship is based around, does she see you as a support person and not a true friend?

She feels about to be really frank with you about 'setting her boundaries' so you shouldn't worry about being equally blunt, if this is what you want to do. It's astonishing that her acceptable meeting times include your working hours. You are not being at all unreasonable but you may nevertheless feel the odd meal out is okay for you and this is not the hill to die on. This is also ok.

I had a work friend like this. This is so outing but who cares. We had children the same age, her son went to the French school and they had Weds afternoon off. Her only offer for a meet up was Weds afternoon (when also we were both also supposed to be working) at her place in west London, a full hour and forty minutes one way journey from my home in the east. Weekends were 'family time' and as you can imagine the suggestion for her to venture off her turf was rejected. Honestly, I only kept speaking to her because of work. She kept trying her luck with these 'invitations' (which were clearly not real) and I never knew why - I eventually did ask her how she thought I'd manage it but I can't remember what she said.

(Stood me up in Princess Diana's playground one time too - hadn't realised yet what a CF she was.)

You've made me think about what I do and I don't see my single friends at the weekend if it is just me and my husband. It's not you - it's more that I like my alone time with my friends and that's easier to do without my husband around. Plus, my husband prefers male company...just like I prefer female company.

I'm really sorry this would hurt your feelings. I totally get it but it's just preference and I don't think mid-week should be seen as a demotion to the weekend. Maybe she likes her 1-1 time with you and that is how your friendship works for her. It would be an odd dynamic with my husband there too unless single friend and my husband happened to be actual friends and had known each other a long time too. Also, it's not your relationship status being the issue - I have plenty of friends who are married by I still see them as my friend and don't take much notice of the husband. So, if we aren't both friends with the couple then we wouldn't see them at the weekend.

Hard when no flexibility op. I have often met friends at wends it didnt take up the whole day.. I had a friend on maternity leave years ago. It was always suiting around her not me. It fizzled out thankfully. One sided friendship

She's gad a baby and now thinks the world should revolve around her. I'd stop bothering OP. Friends that make you feel like shit are not worth having.

@Jvg33 sorry, I sound like I do this to people too? How do you come to that conclusion? If you did in fact mean me.

Sorry to hear this OP
I have been in this territory and I think "never make a priority of someone who sees you as an option".

I think if someone declared A Boundary to me in those terms, it would probably mean the friendship would be on the way out for me. No problem with understanding that people are busy, have other friends, no expectation of being anyone's top priority. But I just find it a bit rude and like they want to make a point of how not important you are. I wouldn't get into a discussion with them about it, but I would just focus my time and energies elsewhere and let them become a peripheral person in my life.

At least you found out what this would be like before you moved there, OP.

You're showing her respect, by making any meet ups child friendly and suggesting walks/coffee etc.

She on the other hand isn't prepared to meet you even half way and wants to dictate all the terms that you meet up on. She's not thinking about you who might be alone all weekend and want some company for even an hour. It's all about her.

I'd chalk it up to experience, and make time for people who are worth it. Not flakes.

Yep, I’m single and I have this with my friends too. Not interested in seeing me on weekends. One friend in particular won’t even invite me over if her husband is there. And then expects me to have coffee with her during the week when she’s bored (she’s a SAHM). She only ever asks to meet up when she has nothing else to do!

I’m gradually letting the friendship go because of it, so YANBU.

Sorry if I missed it - how old is her child?

I don't tend to meet friends by myself at the weekend because I do stuff with my family but I do have friends over with the family, or go to friends as a family. This includes having single friends with or without children over. I think it's mean of her to blanket ban seeing you at the weekend when you have been so flexible about it.

At least you know what to expect now.