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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't catch up on weekends...

577 replies

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 10:27

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
lightisnotwhite · 09/02/2022 20:41

It’s a young family. Weekends is when they have time off as couple. Weekdays is when she has free time as a single ( plus child).

When said child is able to go off for sleepovers and husbands wants to cycle for hours at weekends then she’ll be available again.

You need to widen your friendship circle so this isn’t such a big deal.

FantasticFebruary · 09/02/2022 20:43

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house

What did you say to all of this?

Then she had the nerve to complain you didn't message her enough over a weekend???

Plus a ton of other bits in there...

I'd just find new friends, she's no friend!

She's a bloody modern pen pal

Ali2710 · 09/02/2022 20:45

I didn't mean to sound horrible at all. I was trying to highlight things from her friends perspective. Surely this is why she has posted on her in the first place, to get other people's views. The OP has no right to comment on how other people spend their free time.

Bunnyfuller · 09/02/2022 20:50

Sounds like she wants to do ‘couple’ things with DH and her baby at weekends and you aren’t a couple. Maybe ask her?

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/02/2022 20:51

@Angrywife

I would reply with "You said you didn't want to socialise with me at weekends so I thought I'd leave you to your other plans and text you on week days instead"
This!
Arabellla · 09/02/2022 20:52

@lightisnotwhite

It’s a young family. Weekends is when they have time off as couple. Weekdays is when she has free time as a single ( plus child).

When said child is able to go off for sleepovers and husbands wants to cycle for hours at weekends then she’ll be available again.

You need to widen your friendship circle so this isn’t such a big deal.

This is so patronising 🤮
Womencanlift · 09/02/2022 21:00

@lightisnotwhite

It’s a young family. Weekends is when they have time off as couple. Weekdays is when she has free time as a single ( plus child).

When said child is able to go off for sleepovers and husbands wants to cycle for hours at weekends then she’ll be available again.

You need to widen your friendship circle so this isn’t such a big deal.

If this was my friend then I wouldn’t be available for them when they decide they want to re-enter the world.

People are not toys that can be picked up when it suits.

As people have said both sides of a friendship have to invest in it for it to be long lasting.

I feel lucky that my friends with kids are not like a lot of posters on this thread and can quite successfully be a parent, partner and friend

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 21:05

I spent an hour on the phone to her the week before last because she was upset about a run in with her nanny. For context.

OP posts:
RandomCatGenerator · 09/02/2022 21:06

Your posts are super reasonable OP. YANBU!

I am curious though: has she said why The Boundary exists / exists for you? Have you asked?

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 21:07

(In the past she has spent a huge amount of time listening to me. And I acknowledge that - to be balanced - even if through slightly gritted teeth....)

OP posts:
Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 21:09

There is a whole background to do with her family about boundaries - and to be honest there is something that is quite specific to this which I think is relevant - but even though this is anonymous and I know that she doesn't read mumsnet I really don't feel comfortable disclosing that. There are reasons why she is doing this. And I get that. But I think its at the point where its not healthy for me to continue to engage in what is a dysfunctional dynamic....

OP posts:
Abracadabra12345 · 09/02/2022 21:11

@StEval

Luckily no one was ever so rude as to inform me that their ‘boundary’ involved excluding me at weekends, but I definitely never felt I could impose on married friends in this time, and my 30s were very lonely as a result

Reading this, you respected their time off together, Op did not.
There is nothing rude about it at all.

My dd hangs out with her couple friends regularly and is friends with both but closest to the husband who is an old uni friend. She gets on well with the dc then once they’re in bed, they all game and have a great time. She also hangs out with another couple but to a lesser extent. I regularly meet with a couple on my own while dh cares for disabled dc. I also used to meet with a single friend. Another used to come and stay overnight - at weekends! We loved having her.

Sorry StEval that your couple friends weren’t so open. Both my DH and me have always nurtured our separate friendships throughout our marriage

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/02/2022 21:12

Sorry if I’ve missed this OP but did she actually use the term ‘boundary’?!

Eckno · 09/02/2022 21:14

@Amibeinghighmaintenance I haven’t read all the replies, but I’d just like to say that it’s truly liberating sitting down with someone who has either deliberately or inadvertently upset you and calming explaining how you feel. I say this as someone who always used to ghost as I wasn’t taught how to deal with conflict and always felt I would be seen as high maintenance, needy and clingy if I confronted an issue.

Whatever the reaction, it puts the whole thing to bed in your mind, as opposed to writing scripts in your head that whirl around eating away your self esteem. This script is usually way off the reality anyway.

Good luck.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 09/02/2022 21:14

She sounds very annoying, everything on her terms and no thought to if it's convenient for you. If you are only there for 7 weeks see could have made some effort !

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/02/2022 21:20

@Bunnyfuller

Sounds like she wants to do ‘couple’ things with DH and her baby at weekends and you aren’t a couple. Maybe ask her?
But surely you can spare a couple of hours at the weekend to do ‘non-couple” things sometimes? You have dozens of weekends in a year and if your friend is only in town for a few weeks surely you would make a bit of effort to see them and sacrifice a tiny bit of family time (which you can have any weekend of the year)
VestaTilley · 09/02/2022 21:24

YANBU. I’d understand if she didn’t want to leave her child or lose time with her DH - but you’ve offered to do family friendly things and see them all together, so it’s a bit of a mystery unless there’s a massive backstory.

We often see friends on weekends but ensure that it’s activities we can all enjoy, including toddler DS. I’d not dream of excluding single friends from our weekends. I wouldn’t see friends all the time, but every now and then is reasonable.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 21:24

To give further context - I have been having a lovely time on the weekends! My dog and I have been having a grand time pootling about the beaches and dining in all the lovely restaurants here.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 09/02/2022 21:25

@Comefromaway

Weekends are precious when you work and have a baby.
Nah

Her friend doesn't want an uneven three scenario.
I bet if you were part of a couple, then weekends wouldn't be so off limits.

She doesn't think of you the same way you think of her. Maybe she becomes an outer circle friend rather than an inner circle one.

Her attitude is tedious though

katepilar · 09/02/2022 21:39

Sorry you are feeling hurt and left out. Imho she is ok to say when it suits her and her family to see you. I take it you dont have children. Life can change in so many ways once you have children and your priorities are shaken and settle in different order. Imho you either want to see her and fit in with her plans if you can or just wait until your individual needs align a bit more again.

Lollypop701 · 09/02/2022 21:42

She wants single friend on stand by to deal with life issues so weekdays work. But not when she is tired from working Obs because that takes effort… She saves her weekends to be her best family person, couples days out/socialising. You get leftovers op. She wants you to prioritise her , because she is more important and has demands on her time . You have no demands so can fit in with her. All I can say is she will miss you when you are gone. That said you are being disingenuous by not at least giving her an option to fix this… given her background of having no boundaries she probably thinks what she is doing is right and healthy - you probably supported this in the past? . She isn’t looking at bigger picture, which may be especially true given you both come from dysfunctional backgrounds. Your choice, you can walk away knowing you could have discussed it and accept your own inaction has an impact. Or decide to try to change your relationship to A better footing. Good luck op

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 21:48

@katepilar - ah yes - there is no way that anyone who doesn't have a child can possibly imagine what it means to have a lot of pressures and different priorities. And having a child means that whatever suits you is reasonable.

That means that the only way in which a person with a child can have a functional relationship with a single person if the single person entirely puts aside their own needs and everything is on the person with child's terms. You can't possibly think that it is a reasonable position. Well - obviously you do. But I struggle to see how that's reasonable.

And I think that's what I'm struggling with. I feel quite unreasonable to basically dump my friend because she's got a kid. But when that is the dynamic I'm presented with I really can't see how there is any other choice!

OP posts:
Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 21:55

Thanks @Lollypop701!

I've started to seethe again so I think I'm going to go to bed before I start writing my unreasonable responses to some of the posters Grin

Thanks again for all the helpful and thoughtful input.

OP posts:
Insanelysilver · 09/02/2022 21:55

Maybe she’s panicking a bit that she might find your friendship a bit too much since you’ve moved into her area, especially with her having a young child etc. Then as soon as you appear to be withdrawing a bit , she’s making sure you’re not losing interest.
She can’t have it all her own way though and seems to make time for people at weekends when she wants to. I’d play it cool if I were you and be busy next time she decides to pick you up at her convenience. Make some new friends in the area and let her see she’s not the be all and end all of your world.

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