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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't catch up on weekends...

577 replies

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 10:27

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
Remainanonymous2 · 09/02/2022 19:12

I work full time, have two children have elderly parents who rely on me and a husband who often claims I am ignoring him. I dont have time for any friends...just friends who text.....I genuinely am overwhelmed and just need time on my own which I rarely get. Life is just so exhausting. She is probably just panicking that she is going to have to accommodate another person in her already hectic life.

Juststopamoment · 09/02/2022 19:13

To the people saying that OP should meet her during the week have obviously missed the part that she works full time and would have to take holiday to meet her friend during the week. I think it’s not workable with your friend and would find friends it is workable with.

maybloss2 · 09/02/2022 19:16

It could be that the people she sees at the weekend are in what I call the ‘ I have to do this category’ there are people that get priority in my mental social calendar because of some social’requirement’. Maybe they have a need that isn’t apparent to you. Or there’s an obligation. It’s hard to define sometimes how it happens and who’s on it. But I have a limit on how many I can do in a weekend, so you could be in the saving her for fun category.

PeachyPeachTrees · 09/02/2022 19:18

She's quite happy to tell you "sorry I can't do weekends". So you can say I work full time " sorry I can't do week days". Maybe she will change her mind when she realises you're not a doormat after all.

mylifestory · 09/02/2022 19:21

I was about to say she has a baby so her life would be a lot different to yours and you couldnt even begin to comprehend. But then you said she had been out with other people at the w/e so that changes everything! Say you went out with so & so on sunday, so you obviously can. Maybe that person only had sunday free so she sees them. sounds like you need to tart making your own rules too and let her fit in with you. Try it and see what she says ....

Cissyandflora · 09/02/2022 19:22

@Aderyn21

'Boundary' is such a weird way to put it - like you're imposing on her or something. Which is not how genuine friendship should feel. I'd withdraw for her use of that phrase alone.
Yes that would do it for me too.
SnozPoz · 09/02/2022 19:33

Tell her YOUR boundary is that you don't do weekdays only weekends. Alternatively tell her to take a flying jump. She sounds like an a**e

Coffeepot72 · 09/02/2022 19:37

DH and I both work full time. There are times when we do things separately at the weekend but generally it’s our time together

Hmm1234 · 09/02/2022 19:38

She is being awfully standoffish. I’d leave her alone now you’d think she’d jump at the chance to have real mum friends

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/02/2022 19:40

@2bazookas

Clearly she regards weekends as precious FAMILY time to spend with her DH , family and their mutual friends.

Not "girlfriend time".

She's offered you alternative GF times in the week, what on earth is wrong with that?

Omg the sacred FAMILY TIME! Surely on the odd Saturday afternoon or evening it does not have to be FAMILY TIME. There can be some balance. No wonder there are so many lonely women in middle age - they prioritise their partner and kids to the extent that they cannot maintain friendships but babies grow up and get their own lives, partners may split up with you or pass away or something. And the woman has no one because her friends are long gone because she didn’t prioritise them and herself enough to maintain those friendships
Dacquoise · 09/02/2022 19:40

I wonder if childhood abuse makes you more sensitive to inequalities in friendships in general. The comments about the friend arranging to see other friends on the weekends but being rigid about seeing the Op during the week only resonates with me. I really object to unfairness and uneven treatment and I was brought up in a highly dysfunctional family. It triggers the feelings of being not enough or not good enough to other people.

Passenger42 · 09/02/2022 19:45

This friend wants to do couples only stuff and won’t put herself out to help you get to meet new people or to have a social life, it’s a bit mean not to have one night out with you on Friday or Saturday if you don’t know anybody. You need to find a single friend who wants to go for a drink or have some fun at weekend. Try finding out what others do at work or join an activity to meet some new people.

Joystir59 · 09/02/2022 19:45

She saves the weekends for spending time with her OH. I wouldn't end a good friendship over this.

ChickenStripper · 09/02/2022 20:09

Is the whole point of it not that you are only there for 7 weeks? Why would someone make major changes to their weekend in that case?

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 20:12

@ChickenStripper - I'm intrigued - you consider having a coffee with someone on the weekend something that was a major change that required more than seven weeks notice?

OP posts:
ChickenStripper · 09/02/2022 20:20

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@ChickenStripper - I'm intrigued - you consider having a coffee with someone on the weekend something that was a major change that required more than seven weeks notice?[/quote]
No you have misunderstood. I am saying that maybe she doesn't think it is worth it to eat into her weekend time with family for a person who is only in the area temporarily?

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 09/02/2022 20:22

I simply wouldn't bother with someone who treated me like this, if she has met up with other friends on a weekend but refuses to ever see you on a weekend I find that odd. I can understand her wanting to catch up of a week more so she has family time of a weekend, but to simply say weekends are never on the cards is strange. Maybe try to focus on other things and in time you'll meet people who actually appreciate your friendship and want to spend time with you without rules. Good luck op Flowers

Mary46 · 09/02/2022 20:27

What time would it take up though 2 hours at most. Had babies myself life does not go on hold!! Op I would say suit yourself going forward as thats what they all doing!

Angrywife · 09/02/2022 20:30

I would reply with
"You said you didn't want to socialise with me at weekends so I thought I'd leave you to your other plans and text you on week days instead"

Yebbie · 09/02/2022 20:32

It can be annoying, I get it. I have young kids and work part time 3 days per week, dh works weekends and has 2 days off in the week which are the same ones that I'm home. So in the week, when I have friends with kids that I could have play dates with I can't because it's his time with dc, and on weekends when he is at work my friends are busy with their husbands and families so I end up alone. Weekends are when most people have family time so when you don't it can be lonely. Weekends are my least favourite part of the week!

On another note, I'm that friend that invites everyone here. If someone invites me to their house I don't mind going but I am the house that people come to really if I do ever have a play date or when friends come for dinner, coffee etc. Some people just naturally host more, she might not mean anything by it, I don't, I just like my house and it works having toddlers toys here so my first port of call is usually to just invite people.

Lotsalotsagiggles · 09/02/2022 20:34

Re nt messaging at weekebds, id reply saying sorry just assumed you having family times as you said weekends are protected time

She cant have it both ways

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 20:35

@Yebbie - yes - me being annoyed about her not coming here was me being unreasonable arsey!

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 09/02/2022 20:38

@GiantHaystacks2021

YANBU. I would dump her as a friend and tell her that your "boundary" is not to bother with her anymore.

She can fuck off for herself.

Grin
user1481840227 · 09/02/2022 20:38

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends.

That's a very offensive way to say it to a friend if there are no issues between you.

If a friend told me they liked to keep weekends free so would rather see me in the week I'd understand that, but if they said it was a boundary that they wouldn't see me at weekends then I would think that was really weird and wouldn't want to see them.

I've had to put boundaries in place with people and tell them what my boundaries are, but generally when boundaries are expressed to others that way it's because they have done something wrong, or have a pattern of behaving in a way you won't tolerate any longer so you are making it clear to them.

Maybe it was just a poor use of language, but it sounds very odd!

WorstXmasEver · 09/02/2022 20:39

People change how they treat you when you have a child.

I used to go out 3 nights a week for about 5 years with my friend, then I had a child & I saw them twice after that & was then ghosted.

I think you're asking a lot though. Parents barely have any time to themselves & have to sacrifice sleep to do anything.