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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't catch up on weekends...

577 replies

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 10:27

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
Juststopamoment · 09/02/2022 17:55

Just to say you are doing absolutely nothing wrong so please don’t feel guilty about your reaction to your friend’s behaviour.

Ineke · 09/02/2022 17:57

If she has invited you to hers for dinner then you should go. You can then judge if your friendship has been put on the back boiler or not. Babies do change things, even if we don’t intend them to.

Yehbut · 09/02/2022 18:03

I remember getting a similar diktat from a friend who I had always put top of the heap. I was for years happily partnered she single. . I’d occasionally meet her at weekends when she wanted and not take my partner so she didn’t feel like spare part.
and then later when I had split up and was single and she had a partner she made it very clear that weekends were not on offer. she said she could only make weekday lunches. I was upset, Humiliated and very cross. So I feel your pain. It’s just rude and thoughtless

Ineke · 09/02/2022 18:05

PS. I am married and my single friends are as important, in fact more important than ever. I would always want to spend time alone with them, always.

Londoncallingme · 09/02/2022 18:06

I had a ‘friend’ who since getting a new bf would only communicate via text - except that she would always call for a chat early evening / just when I’m doing kids tea etc - I soon realised that I was given the ‘entertain me on the drive home from work’ slot for a phone call. Also only ever wants to meet up when I go to her home. F that shite - binned. Don’t miss her at all.

Ali2710 · 09/02/2022 18:09

In the nicest possible way it isn't your friend's responsibility to help you settle into a new area. She may "only work 2 days a week" but she also has a baby and a partner - she's busy. At weekends she also has to factor in what her partner wants to do.
Do you get along well with her partner? Maybe he doesn't like you and this is why she needs to do things separately to their family time. Perhaps you can find some local groups in your new area to try and make new friends.

buddylicious · 09/02/2022 18:13

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@Comefromaway - i get that. But she only works two days a week. And I'm very happy to do child friendly things.[/quote]

Bit does her partner only work two days a week too? If the weekends are the only days they are both off work then they probably want some quiet time.

She wants you to go round in the week because she knows you can!

StellaGibs · 09/02/2022 18:31

Why are you hashing all this out here instead of asking her why? If you're now not bothered about the friendship then surely there's nothing to lose by asking why she can spend weekends with others but not you?

BrambleRoses · 09/02/2022 18:33

@Ali2710

In the nicest possible way it isn't your friend's responsibility to help you settle into a new area. She may "only work 2 days a week" but she also has a baby and a partner - she's busy. At weekends she also has to factor in what her partner wants to do. Do you get along well with her partner? Maybe he doesn't like you and this is why she needs to do things separately to their family time. Perhaps you can find some local groups in your new area to try and make new friends.
There was nothing nice about this post, at all. It’s actually horrible.
RosieAnnie81 · 09/02/2022 18:33

Ive had friends ditch me when I couldn’t make mate dates as I’m a single mum of two. Ive also had friends that have other friends they meet apart from me. Morale of my story is life is short you have to back away and take it as it is. Unfortunately people change sometimes and priorities to them change. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Try and meet other people or start a new hobby or something for you as your time is important and maybe it’s time for your priorities/boundaries to change to xxx

2bazookas · 09/02/2022 18:35

Clearly she regards weekends as precious FAMILY time to spend with her DH , family and their mutual friends.

Not "girlfriend time".

She's offered you alternative GF times in the week, what on earth is wrong with that?

Mmmmmmbop90 · 09/02/2022 18:38

It’s because your single and she wants to do things with her partner and baby at the same time. So couple friends, friends with kids etc = weekend friends. Single friends = weekday friends

It’s not particularly nice, but I do get it to a certain extent (sorry!)

irene9 · 09/02/2022 18:39

"But I'm here on my own and don't know anyone and it would have been nice to have done some things with her on the weekend while I was here. There are lots of really lovely things to do here."

It sounds like you need 'someone' to entertain you at the weekends.
And you don't like 'cold walks' outside. So tough. She's not the person who seems to fit your specific agenda at this time. It's not her job to make your weekends less lonely.

UniversalAunt · 09/02/2022 18:41

She & her DH only have weekends together as they both have weekday work commitments, their child does not sleep well so they are running a constant sleep deficit. They have a child but the bigger picture is about building a sustainable family structure & this means investing in a wider group of family & people with children to invest in a better more supportive family network - this takes time & effort so they will prioritise cousins & friends at the same life stages who are also building family structures & generally they are free for this at the weekends.

They are juggling limited time as a couple, work based demands, bringing up a small child, coping whilst sleep deprived & building future familial bonds…& have a bit of time to themselves to keep the crazy at bay. Of course, their weekends are tightly bound, every bit of time is taken.

OP, things will settle down, you’ll have a new circle of friends who don’t have the same kind of demands on them.

Nigglenaggle · 09/02/2022 18:45

I don't think anyone commenting YANBU has ever had a baby that really doesn't sleep. Your friend is wondering when this hell will end and whether she will ever feel like she can cope with life again, and you're moaning that she doesn't fit your needs....

Mandyjack · 09/02/2022 18:47

Text her back & say you're a bit confused why she is happy to see other fiends at weekends but not you

FeliciaMcAspieGreer · 09/02/2022 18:48

Do you think you she might feel the same about you: 'I am stuck at home with the baby during the week whilst DH is working and so isolated, but friend says she only wants to meet up at weekends, AIBU?'

Hellolittlestar · 09/02/2022 18:50

I’m a bit like your friend, weekend is for family. Sorry.

GrannyMack63 · 09/02/2022 18:51

So, correct me if I'm wrong- you couldn't be bothered responding to her texts at the weekend but want her to meet up at the weekend.

Have you considered that the weekend might be the only time she can have time with her family without work interrupting.

I think friendships change over time and we can't force others into the box we want them to occupy.

AnnieSaxophone · 09/02/2022 18:54

I haven't read the whole of this thread, so forgive me if I've totally missed the point. My DH wouldn't take kindly to me going out at weekends with someone and leaving him with the kids. We have this unwritten rule that we do stuff together at weekends, even if it's with other people. I also know that DH would not be particularly interested in meeting a girlfriend of mine and 'tagging along'. But he'd be fine to go out with another couple. Could it be that?

Feeascotime · 09/02/2022 18:56

I think the issue is her husband works during the week. Perhaps her husband would prefer couples as he may feel like a third wheel on a girly thing. He may prefer male company, or as you mention he is shy and socialising with a couple he knows well?
She may need the rest of the weekend to do family stuff? I think she is just tryng to fit things in and as she has free time in the week, is doing it then.
Does present as being a bit rigid though but then again, perhaps she wants to have time with you without feeling pressured to get home?
A totally different angle:
Your main sensitivity is that you are a category B friend. I may be off the mark, but do you think that your dysfunctional background has left you with abandonment issues? Why are you feeling, "not good enough"? Why are you checking to see/comparing her commitment to you vrs others? It seems to me that you would rather opt out prematurely than be hurt/face (perceived) rejection.
The bottom line is she is making time for you and enjoys your friendship and texts.
Don't test the friendship. Just make plans for the week and believe that she values you. I think it is YOUR feelings you need to work through and not your friends.
❤❤❤

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 18:58

To the lynch mob that's just arrived....the issue that led to me starting the thread is that she was getting arsey that I wasn't messaging on the weekend and that I was becoming less available on weekdays to catch up during my work time. My question was basically am I being unreasonable to take a step back.

I'm only down here for a few weeks. Her partner may loathe and detest me but I'm not sure. I have been very flexible and have not said anything at all to her about not catching up on weekends after she said that she wouldn't. I am of the view that single people are not a threat to the family unit and it is not a challenge for single people to mix with family people on non working days. I have concluded that I have to a certain extent overreacted emotionally but I don't think it works for me to be a weekday only friend and there are other issues in the friendship. I do not expect her to be responsible for my weekends or my emotional wellbeing on the weekends. The obvious solution is for me to talk to her but that is a big emotional challenge for me.

The thread so far has been for the main part really lovely, helpful and supportive. If you just want to jump in to kick your boot in I would ask you to please not.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 09/02/2022 19:02

You've mentioned so many times , OP , that your friend is being 'arsey' and not making an effort.

She doesn't want to see you at weekends and you're not keen on during the week.

Have you thought that perhaps she thinks you're not making an effort either and that you're being arsey not seeing her during the week but also not replying when she texted .

You both need to have a conversation and compromise.

bananaleafy · 09/02/2022 19:10

Perhaps all her weekends are taken in the 7 weeks you're in town

Mumontour85 · 09/02/2022 19:10

You're a friend of her convenience or a gap filler, I'd sack her off tbh.
Certainly don't invest time and worry in someone that certainly won't do the same for you.
Friendships are give and take, they ebb and flow... but they are also two way streets, and your 'mate' is driving the wrong direction with you!

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