Friend won't catch up on weekends...

[Amibeinghighmaintenance]

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

@Amibeinghighmaintenance I genuinely cannot understand why simply sending her a message that states how you feel is so off the cards for you. It’s mind boggling. And indicates that you aren’t really ready for a close friendship, either.

However, if that’s how you want to end this friendship, then that’s your choice. Glad you found the thread to be helpful.

@Sweetlikejollof I take your point. I suppose I just don’t want any drama. And I think also having worked it all through I’ve come to the conclusion that really it’s about more than the weekend thing and actually I probably want to take a step back from the friendship all together. But I do take your point and there is probably something in what you’ve said.

There doesn’t need to be any drama. You tell her how you feel and she’s either receptive (then, hurrah, you sort things) or she’s not (then the friendship is over and you lose nothing that you’re not losing now). It doesn’t need to be a row, it doesn’t even need to be an in person conversation.

I’m sorry if I seem to be harping on, but I just wanted to say that.

And, while I’ve read all your posts as @Amibeinghighmaintenance, I think there was a mixup with one of your other usernames, so it’s very possible I’ve missed some additional comments that address all this and state why you no longer wish to engage.

@Sweetlikejollof thanks it really is good to get that perspective. Basically I grew up in a massively dysfunctional environment where if ever I dared to raise an issue about me being upset about another family member's behaviour it would be an absolute shit show of denial, gas lighting, emotional manipulation and every now and then being slapped etc. That's why its so helpful to get other people's views on how they'd respond to a situation like this. Because I know that I definitely bring my own baggage to the friendship.

It genuinely astonishes me that people can just raise issues like you suggest! I suppose in this particular circumstance the question for me is whether this really is a good opportunity to practice raising issues in a calm and non confrontational way or whether - given all the issues my friend has and the "drama ridden" background to the dynamic of the friendship - it really is very likely to go pear shaped and that really wouldn't help me moving forward at all. And also there is a real question of as I move forward and really try to be happier and more functional it really is a good thing to keep this friendship that doesn't seem able to shift to a healthier happier dynamic.

And I'm just being a coward too I suppose!!!!

[quote Sweetlikejollof]@Amibeinghighmaintenance I genuinely cannot understand why simply sending her a message that states how you feel is so off the cards for you. It’s mind boggling. And indicates that you aren’t really ready for a close friendship, either.

However, if that’s how you want to end this friendship, then that’s your choice. Glad you found the thread to be helpful.[/quote]
Because as per previous comment
She prefers to ghost

How have you fared in romantic relationships? m

@Gwenhwyfar

"On the weekend she spends time with her husband and baby and socialising as a family with other couples/families. That's perfectly understandable."

If she can socialise with other couples/families, why can't she socialise with OP?
I know some people only want friends who are couples and families. I wouldn't bother with those people.

Exactly. The OP is single so she's only being offered the dregs of her friend's time. I'd be hurt quite frankly. The OP is only there for a limited period and her friend wants everything on her terms. Fine, it's her choice but I don't see why she gets to whinge about missing her.

@Toanewstart23 - its not that I "prefer" to ghost - it's that this is what my experience has taught me is the safest thing for me to do.

An extreme example of my experience growing up is when I was about 15 my mother asked me to ask my violent father to leave the house. He hit me. When I went back and told her that I was upset that he had hit me she told me that it was my fault as I had said something that a daughter should never say to their father.

So.....that is an example of the sort of baggage I bring to this situation. I've got a whole host of stories that are variation on this theme.

I am aware that this all impacts on the way in which I respond to other people which is why I posted to see what a reasonable emotional response would be to this particular situation I am in.

I have been very grateful to posters who have taken the time to give me their views kindly and with compassion. I've read all your posts and I'm not sure that you bring the same approach and would ask you to not comment further.

She texted back “ok” and asked how I’m progressing with buying house to move to down here. (Which I’m now not doing!). So I suppose you could that’s a bit abrupt but I can’t really say that response is being really arsey.

Did you tell you won't buying the house?

And well done for telling her you're busy this week!

An extreme example of my experience growing up is when I was about 15 my mother asked me to ask my violent father to leave the house. He hit me. When I went back and told her that I was upset that he had hit me she told me that it was my fault as I had said something that a daughter should never say to their father.

Your mother is an abusive witch. My mum used to involve me in her dramas with my dad and aunt and siblings, but what your mother did is beyond nasty.

I hope you are NC with both mum and dad?

@Arabellla - thanks! Yes told her not buying the house!

Yes I'm NC but I still get email stalked every now and then. A few years ago my father found out where I worked on the internet and rocked up at the front desk. He lives in Australia and I was working in London...

So when I think about telling someone that I feel upset about something I don't have the most rational of responses.

To be very clear I don't think at all that my friend would be violent or really awful if I raised the issue! I just know that she's got her own set of issues that this would undoubtedly bring up for her....it really is a friendship built on mutual emotional dysfunction I fear...

Yesterday reading your thread I was very much of the "fuck her, she'd being a user" train of thought, but the more nuanced thought process today is I wonder if she is oblivious to the pain she is causing you?

I think it might be fair to say something along the lines of: I found it hurtful and felt relegated to second class friend status while I was here for the few weeks. I'm not sure if that was your intention but that's how your actions felt to me.

You are not attacking her, just giving her the option to see how her actions made you feel.

I think there are people who are very comfortable confronting others when they behave badly, and at times I really admire it.

But also there are others that might look at the person who behaves badly and wonder are they arsed.

I think in a valuable relationship that brings you joy, working through the conflict is the way to go.

However, if the person doesn't bring you joy and you don't feel like you want the job of fixing them like some project, then it is perfectly reasonable IMO to just not bother.

I have only time and energy for people who make my life better by their presence.

Those that don't, I do not feel like trying to convince them that their behaviour isn't acceptable.

I want friends, not projects.

For example, someone who is repeatedly late?
Don't bother making further arrangements.

Someone who cancels last minute, one time too many? Likewise.

Someone who will only meet at their convience, on their terms?
Likewise.

People who have zero interest in you, but go on about themselves, endlessly?
Likewise.

People are not projects.
Friendships work or they don't.

Fortunately I have flexible, lovely friends.
But over the 40 years I have met versions of the above and I simply moved on.

I have enough going on with my life, my children, my family, to be trying to fix other people within our friendships.

It's because you are single. I get it all of the time.

They want to do "couples" stuff. Or possibly even more - they want to do family stuff.

I often find that my good friends will hang out with the partners friends, but not the other way around.

It's hurtful.

I wonder if there's a way to communicate more clearly to her so that she knows what is going on for you, without creating a load of drama? Could you send another text with something like, "Just to add that I would, of course, have loved to see you but I know you're busy at the weekends. Hopefully, we can get together soon." Only if you mean that, obv. If any of this sounds good to you, maybe we could help you to send something? I've noticed that sometimes situations like these can become 'all or nothing' and it doesn't have to be like that.

OP, for abuse you endured.

Re: confrontation - i hate it too. I am lucky enough not to have had awful experiences like the one you describe, i guess i'm just a wimp!

Having kids taught me there were situations i had to deal with for their sake. You just have to do it and learn the world doesn't end because you stand up for yourself (or on someone's behalf). It does take practice.

However personally i don't think your current situation with your friend is one where you should ''practice'' confrontation - mainly because you wont get 'reward'. It will either sort of force her to change her style (no one wants to feel they've railroaded anyone) or she'll stick to her guns and you'll feel you achieved nothing. Due to the specific history between you two i think you're safer and easier drifting way is perfectly ok. Ending on a really sour note would be a shame.

I have an old friend from primary school (we're both now late 40s)

It was always a weird dynamic between us but we shared school days and first jobs and those memories are precious.

To cut a long story short i feel i did loads for her (listening for hours about her councelling, gave her a roof over her head for a year) but she was never able or willing to help me when the shit hit the fan for me emotionally and it all went weird and i drifted away like you.

I could have confronted - i had plenty of axes to grind - but i didn't. I just didn't want that to be the way the ship went down in the end. I went for the drift into the fog.

Ah, I see! I’m very sorry you those experiences. Your parents sound utterly horrific.

I think that, going forward, perhaps reframing ‘confrontation’ (which I’ve always thought as having rather negative connotations - I wouldn’t want to ‘confront’ anyone, either) as ‘communication’ might be helpful? Going through life clearly communicating how you feel and your reasons for said feelings is really freeing.

While I hope that you are able to work through your issues around this, I now understand your reactions a bit more. Perhaps this particular friendship has just run its course.

@Laiste

I have an old friend from primary school (we're both now late 40s)

It was always a weird dynamic between us but we shared school days and first jobs and those memories are precious.

To cut a long story short i feel i did loads for her (listening for hours about her councelling, gave her a roof over her head for a year) but she was never able or willing to help me when the shit hit the fan for me emotionally and it all went weird and i drifted away like you.

I could have confronted - i had plenty of axes to grind - but i didn't. I just didn't want that to be the way the ship went down in the end. I went for the drift into the fog.

I think this is most often what can happen.

People realise they just can't be bothered and drift.

They simply don't care enough about the relationship to continue it.

If you did care enough, you would try and save it.

Thanks all so much for your comments. Really helpful again.

And thanks to @Sweetlikejollof for politely and gently pushing the point that really I can just say how I feel!!

I'm going to have a think about it but I feel so much less fraught about it all. Thank you!!

Ah, good! Glad we were helpful.

If she’s demoted you, you need to demote her! Detach yourself. I’ve done this recently with someone who told me in October last year that she had no free weekends to see me and so I stopped asking. Funnily enough she hasn’t messaged me since. I too am single and she is in a couple.

I had this with a friend and then she would text like she was missing me, even rang my partner to ask me what's wrong. Would only agree to meet me in a supermarket cafe with her 15 month old. Last time I suggested she gets her partner to look after them for some no wild couple of hours together. Sent me a horrible message saying I would never understand because I'm not a mother 3 days after finding out I'm pregnant when I supported her through her pregnancy. Even my husband agrees he is up for looking after the baby if he also gets to go out with his friends.

So just to add my perspective here. I am currently pregnant and struggling hugely with anxiety (decided to come off medication for the pregnancy). I’ll be honest - I am so overwhelmed with it I cannot face socialising at the moment, but on the odd occasion don’t mind a 2 hour walk with a hot chocolate somewhere.

Sometimes if people are in a strange place, we can feel more comfortable doing stuff with our partner/family in tow, or feel more comfortable around certain people.

It’s often not about you specifically - more how that person is feeling and that’s why they set boundaries.

Not making excuses and don’t want to downplay how it’s made you feel at all; but we don’t always know what’s going on in people’s heads that may make them make certain choices they normally wouldn’t.

But if it doesn’t work for you - then you can set your own boundaries too. And that may be to stand back from the friendship a little bit :-)