Friend won't catch up on weekends...

[Amibeinghighmaintenance]

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

So you're there 7 weeks and have met her at least twice. That is pretty good going for someone with a young child, partner, extended family and other friends to fit in as well.

[quote Onandupigo]@Arabellla oh sorry thread is real! Someone was
asking where I was and obviously I don’t want to give exact location so this was me being humorous.

It is entirely possible my friend is satright now asking her partner “oh my god how do I explain to her that she’s just not funny?? I can’t possibly be seen out in public with her”. I’d take that on the chin [/quote]
Oh I see! No, my bad, I read your posts without context

Her loss. I’m afraid she does seem to place more value on couples. Very shortsighted.

Yep she is being extraordinarily rude, and gormless to not realise why you might be ghosting her texts.

However, some people with kids do do very limited things outside family at weekends, especially if you are a friend of only one partner. It sounds to be that your expectations of her time at weekends may be a bit unrealistic. It’s possible, that this, combined with you moving so very close may have raised alarm bells with her and she’s pushing back to maintain boundaries. This does not excuse the rudeness. I’m also a bit puzzled as to why you have a high chair at your house? Do you have other friends w babies or were you just expecting her to be round a lot?

Anyway best thing to do is to also establish your boundaries. While week evenings may suit her they might not suit you. I’d give her a call and say look, I realise week evenings are good for you, but actually I’m very tired after work, so could we find a way to do a bit of both.

I do think you have perhaps both been clumsy in your handling of each other, and it would be a shame to loose a friendship over it.

@Luredbyapomegranate oh I bought the place furnished and high chair was here already!

I’m only here for a week or so more so the issue will go away naturally. Agree I had unrealistic expectations (I think she also did) but she has been rude which I think exacerbated my reaction….

HC - oh I see.

Yes she has been rude. No doubt about that.

I’m widowed now so on my own and see friends during the week after work. I don’t expect them to spend their weekends with me as families get little enough free time to spend together.

She’s told you her position so really it doesn’t matter how many people on here agree with you that she’s being unreasonable.

What she means is, she only wants to spend time with other couples at the weekend. You don't fit in with the smug married hierarchy.

The boundaries that some keep talking about are - you are not so important as her family or couple friends. In the hierarchy you are someone to spend time with when nothing else is happening.

I always find it odd when posters on here act as though they hate their friends. 'Smug marrieds' ; 'hierarchies' - that's not how people talk about their friends.

I'm single too and this is very common. Weekends are couple/family time and they seem to seek out other couples to bring some balance to the socialising. It's upsetting as a singleton to be alone all weekend because you're not deemed worthy of a "couples slot"

I suppose though as this is her line in the sand you have two choices.

You can back off from the friendship, being honest about the fact that her unwillingness to meet at the weekends stings a bit and makes it difficult for you to meet.

Or you can accept the terms of her friendship and meet in the week.

You can't really force her to meet at weekends 🤷‍♂️

She wants it all her way by the sound if it, when she wants and where she wants for her convenience not yours OP. I'd be less available personally

She can be available when she likes, of course, but I'm cringing at this whole thread. Weekends are my boundary, reserved solely for precious family time. What, all weekend? Weekends are two full days and with kids they are even longer. I could wake up, have breakfast, do house work, go to the gym, take my kids out for a 2 hour bike ride or swim, come home and give them lunch, and it would only be about 1 pm.

I don't mind doing things week days but in some cases, including this one, it has a vibe of getting it out of the way to leave time for the real deal on weekends.

I've known some families like this, most where one of the partners worked long hours or had a long commute and so where they tried to do as much as a family as possible at the weekend. Them spending some of their weekends with other family members as well, or the husband spending time with a friend who also couldn't make it Monday to Friday, doesn't make this not the case.

Or, you are possibly in a certain type of friend zone. Not necessarily B-zone, maybe just different-zone. Up to you how much of your Monday to Friday you want to give up to see her on her terms.

@chocolatemademefat

I’m widowed now so on my own and see friends during the week after work. I don’t expect them to spend their weekends with me as families get little enough free time to spend together.

She’s told you her position so really it doesn’t matter how many people on here agree with you that she’s being unreasonable.

But the point is SHE is getting annoyed at OP for not texting her.

Why do so many people keep ignoring that?

@LazySaturday

I'm single too and this is very common. Weekends are couple/family time and they seem to seek out other couples to bring some balance to the socialising. It's upsetting as a singleton to be alone all weekend because you're not deemed worthy of a "couples slot"

I suppose though as this is her line in the sand you have two choices.

You can back off from the friendship, being honest about the fact that her unwillingness to meet at the weekends stings a bit and makes it difficult for you to meet.

Or you can accept the terms of her friendship and meet in the week.

You can't really force her to meet at weekends 🤷‍♂️

OP is not trying to force her. OP has backed off. Which has put her friend’s nose out of joint.

But I am quite drained of intense discussions all the time

She is such a user, don’t be a free counsellor for her anymore.

I think people underestimate how unpleasant and how lonely it feels being excluded from weekends in this way.

It also means that as the single, childless person, the onus is constantly on you to travel to see others and to put yourself out. That’s fine when it’s genuinely appreciated but when you’re just made to feel like a nuisance then you do give up, eventually.

OP,

She enjoys having you as her weekday counsellor, so she is fresh at the weekend!

Kindly meant but it sounds as if she likes having you to dump on.

Be very wary of having that role foisted on you long term.

It is waring, and not the basis of a real friendship.

Her arsiness is her reaction to her not wanting to lose that.

If you do see her again, do not get into a heavy conversation, avoid it and say lets not talk about that now.

I would bet her nose will be out of joint.
If it is, then you know, that is your role in the friendship.

I think weekends can be busy for familys, but it wasn't a boundary, it was plain rudeness to say she had total blanket unavailability to see you, but still expecting you to text her when she wanted.

I think the picture you paint is of someone very focus on her needs being met in a way that is completely oblivious to yours.

Again, not the basis of a mutually beneficial friendship.

I think remaining very casual friends at a distance with no falling out as you move in the coming weeks, will be in your best interests.

There is no need for a big falling out.
She has told you where you stand and what SHE wants and expects, and that is always good to know.

In essence she wants the benefits of a very close, emotionally supportive friendship on the days of the week that suit her.

If she complains that you don't text back at weekends, tell her you are respecting her family only boundaries.

Hmm l always used to see friends any time and my relationship suffered for it.
Now l am with dh, family stuff takes over the weekend if l am honest because l remember when some of my now single friends were in relationships, they wouldn't prioritise me over their partner so l think maybe l need to put dh first on weekends when he is off work.

But l agree op it is hurtful and don't blame you for stepping back

This is an interesting thread. I have a friend who loves to make weekend plans but it got to the point where her husband said “Please could you stop booking every weekend up?”. He would look in the calendar and realise that he couldn’t just choose what he wanted to do at the weekend for the next 5/6/7 weeks and it made his heart sink. It may be this is the issue - they only see two or three other couples at weekends otherwise it gets too busy.

Having said that, she sounds a bit odd. Telling someone that she has a boundary is quite a blunt thing to do. Getting ratty because someone isn’t replying to her messages isn’t cool.

Have messaged to same am busy and can’t do a weeknight this week. She texted back “ok” and asked how I’m progressing with buying house to move to down here. (Which I’m now not doing!). So I suppose you could that’s a bit abrupt but I can’t really say that response is being really arsey.

So I’m hoping it can all just quietly fizzle out without any drama.

I did remember this morning that last year when I got her birthday wrong - got the day right but thought it was one month later - she was really upset and had a meltdown about how she was worried that I wasn’t her friend anymore etc. Which I think is why I’ve been a bit bewildered since I’ve been here and I’ve been given weekdays only status. I do suspect that she will characterise the situation as me being the one who’s withdrawing and she can’t understand why. I think the reality is she can’t cope with/actually doesn’t really want a close friendship.

But I’m feeling much more resolved about it today and it’s not on my mind anymore so onwards and upwards!

Updating with original username!

I think it's going to end not with a bang but with a whimper!

Have messaged to same am busy and can’t do a weeknight this week. She texted back “ok” and asked how I’m progressing with buying house to move to down here. (Which I’m now not doing!). So I suppose you could that’s a bit abrupt but I can’t really say that response is being really arsey.

So I’m hoping it can all just quietly fizzle out without any drama.

I did remember this morning that last year when I got her birthday wrong - got the day right but thought it was one month later - she was really upset and had a meltdown about how she was worried that I wasn’t her friend anymore etc. Which I think is why I’ve been a bit bewildered since I’ve been here and I’ve been given weekdays only status. I do suspect that she will characterise the situation as me being the one who’s withdrawing and she can’t understand why. I think the reality is she can’t cope with/actually doesn’t really want a close friendship.

But I’m feeling much more resolved about it today and it’s not on my mind anymore so onwards and upwards!

Oh and thanks for all the further comments x