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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't catch up on weekends...

577 replies

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 10:27

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 08/02/2022 18:17

Considering how many threads you get on here about DH’s going off on their mystery hobbies all weekend, you would think that people would want to meet up with their friends then

Their DH’s are doing that when playing football or whatever the magical hobby is and not fussed about family time

BrambleRoses · 08/02/2022 18:19

But that’s not quite the same as the OP, @TrippinEdBalls - I mean, I think what you’ve described is totally reasonable, to be clear, but pompously announcing your ‘boundary’ is No Weekends is just really rude.

If someone says ‘I’m struggling to fit everything in at the weekend, can we meet Thursday?’ then that’s completely different!

washingmachines4 · 08/02/2022 18:19

@ButtockUp

RandomMess · 08/02/2022 18:21

@Amibeinghighmaintenance if you're near a NW beach I'll happily meet you at a weekend 🤣

You are probably somewhere far nicer though.

washingmachines4 · 08/02/2022 18:21

@ButtockUp - last one posted too soon sorry
I am 100% with you and your observation.
I am sorry OP but friendships that revolve around a shared trauma experience are often one on one and kept at an arms length with other friends/family. It has a purpose but probably won't be the deepest friendship you'll ever have.

TrippinEdBalls · 08/02/2022 18:23

Oh, I also agree that I would never use the phrasing of announcing a 'boundary' - though it is really common advice and I think quite common practice in some circles. In my experience people who talk like that have often had lots of therapy and are quite troubled individuals (and the OP notes that her friend has ongoing and it sounds like quite serious issues) so I wouldn't want to make fun of them, though I agree it comes across as pompous.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 18:24

@TrippinEdBalls - see I suppose what perplexes me is the language as seeing it "protecting" your time with your family. Surely if someone is your friend they bring value to your life and that can be incorporated into spending time with your family (not all the time obviously).

Like good ol' @lucythejuicy who sees the alternatives as family time or partying. I personally don't see the only (or indeed the primary!) interactions with my friends as being "partying".

I totally get wanting to spend time with kids when they're young - indeed if my friend suggested going out without her kid I think I'd have asked if maybe we could find a way to bring her along!

OP posts:
Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 18:27

@washingmachines4 I agree and I don't think moving on is a bad outcome for me (or indeed her) as it seems that we can't readjust to a healthier dynamic.

OP posts:
TrippinEdBalls · 08/02/2022 18:29

see I suppose what perplexes me is the language as seeing it "protecting" your time with your family. Surely if someone is your friend they bring value to your life and that can be incorporated into spending time with your family (not all the time obviously).

Personally I really don't like spending time with my friends and my children at the same time unless it's in a big group with other children and DH is there to share the load. It isn't quality time with either the friend or my children, my attention is split, I feel like I'm being rude to my friend. It's a bit better at my own home or somewhere like a park because then the 3 year old might play by himself for, oooh, 15 minutes but then the 1 year old will choose those moments as his time to shine! It isn't a dynamic I enjoy and I don't find it at all relaxing - I'd much rather see my friends less frequently but do it without my children when I do and actually enjoy it!

BrambleRoses · 08/02/2022 18:33

The language ‘protecting’ the family from the imposition of the stray singleton (who had the audacity to move into the area) is irritating, I agree.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 18:33

www.sothebysrealty.com/eng/sales/detail/180-l-912-smzvsp/castillo-caribe-560-south-sound-rd-south-sound-gr

I'm in the Caymans actually! I just bought this little doer upper. It's not quite to my taste so just going to do a refurb.

OP posts:
cansu · 08/02/2022 18:36

It is hard to say. Are you someone who is very demanding of her time? If so the the weekend is probably to stop this becoming an issue. If not then yes it is not very kind. I used to see my friends in the week as it was too hard at the weekend and also felt a bit unfair leaving my partner alone on a Friday or Sat. However, as they have got older I now do much more at the weekends.

TeachesOfPeaches · 08/02/2022 18:38

I'm a single parent and it's very hard to meet up with friends that are mothers at the weekend as this is FAMILY TIME. I work full time during the week so those friendships have gone.

BrambleRoses · 08/02/2022 18:41

That’s very different though @TrippinEdBalls - it’s personal preference and very understandable.

But the OPs friend seems to want to keep just the OP at bay which is clearly hurtful and baffling.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 18:43

Thanks again all for the time. It's been so helpful to work through it.

I think I'll just send a message saying I'm busy during the week this week. I'm probably leaving next week so the issue will solve itself. I imagine then sporadic text messaging. I really do only wish her well. I am much less grumpy now than I was in my original post...

You're all invited to the beach party at mine when the works are done!

OP posts:
Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 18:45

@TeachesOfPeaches - yep that really is crap isn't. There will be lots of people who actively want to hang with you. Its finding them that can be the challenge!

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 08/02/2022 19:11

I have a similar set up to her work wise except I work a few hours on a Saturday morning. Weekends are precious because even though my dh is currently wfh we don't get much quality time to do stuff as a family until the weekend. By the time he finishes work, it is feed the kids, bath and bedtime, we get a few hours together or one goes to the gym and the day starts over again. I would happily meet friends in the week but am reluctant to at the weekend unless they were purposelyup to visit then of course I would make the time. I would meet up with sil and bil and their kids at the weekend but that is very much taking one for the team and I just stuck that up.

I think she's being rude not to spend a day at the weekend with you since you ate up for a short time. It seems rather she is setting boundaries got when you move up permanently. My dh wouldn't normally join me if I was with a single friend just because he'd feel like a 3rd wheel.

What I'm trying to say is it might jot be coming from a bad place, she's your friend and you know her so give her the benefit of doubt if you want. The other option is to say, 'nah that doesn't work for me'.

maddy68 · 08/02/2022 19:32

She's got a family now and wants to do family things. Your relationship has changed. It usually does when one of you has a baby

Hugoslavia · 08/02/2022 19:58

I think that what she might mean is that weekends are family time. Therefore if they do meet up with others, it tends to be as a couple with their baby, rather than either of them going out individually and leaving the other holding the baby.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 20:00

@Hugoslavia - when we've had weekday dinner it has been them as a couple with their baby. I've only ever seen her with her baby (not a problem).

I do not appear to be a threat to the family unit on weekdays. Only weekends.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/02/2022 20:18

OP,

I am glad to read that you will not be settling in a small place, not a good idea if you are single IMO.

I think as you were coming to visit for a short few weeks her boundary was tackless, particularly as she knows you work during the week.

Some people have openly told me that they would only see single friends during the week because their weekends were couples only..........I find this very strange.

I think more importantly is your realisation that she may not be so invested in your moving forward.

I wouldn't bother falling out or saying anything, just suit yourself also.

Don't rise to arsey comments, just repeat that you are busy.

I would view these realisations as timely and as very useful.

Move to an area that will offer the largest breath of opportunities for a social life.

You sound like a lovely friend.Flowers

Arabellla · 08/02/2022 20:32

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

www.sothebysrealty.com/eng/sales/detail/180-l-912-smzvsp/castillo-caribe-560-south-sound-rd-south-sound-gr

I'm in the Caymans actually! I just bought this little doer upper. It's not quite to my taste so just going to do a refurb.

Eh? Is this thread not real then, OP?

I’ve only read all of OP’s posts so I may have missed a joke or reference.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 20:56

@Arabellla oh sorry thread is real! Someone was
asking where I was and obviously I don’t want to give exact location so this was me being humorous.

It is entirely possible my friend is satright now asking her partner “oh my god how do I explain to her that she’s just not funny?? I can’t possibly be seen out in public with her”. I’d take that on the chin Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 20:59

Thanks @billy1966 - that’s nice to hear.

I find it really weird too - I don’t think my friends are any more interesting if they come as a double act…

OP posts:
Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 21:00

Oh name change fail! Well at least you can see that I am embracing moving forward!

OP posts:
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