Friend won't catch up on weekends...

[Amibeinghighmaintenance]

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

@SudaneseHipHopFan

I have been married a long time. Never had kids. Not sure if that makes any difference. Can honestly say in terms of invites I would make absolutely no differentiation between friends who are couples, friends who are single, friends who are divorced etc..

To he honest if I was hosting a party or dinner I would give probably closer thought to my single friends (male and female) knowing that if they didn't have plans they may be alone that evening/weekend. But that I think is seeing people as individuals and not part of a units. I have often holidayed with friends and not my DH and he has done the same vice versa. When we holiday in groups together it is a mixed bag of couples, singles, divorcees, whoever is around and wants to come.

Can I come to yours for dinner??

@sillysmiles - I do know that! I don’t want to pull the confused face as it always looks quite snide to me which isn’t my intention but I’m genuinely a bit confused at your post.

She sounds like she lacks self-awareness because she sent you pictures of her out at the weekend having told you she doesn't do weekends?

@Amibeinghighmaintenance you should respond to one of these and straight out say - "you told me you have a boundary and don't see friends at weekends - or is that just directed at me?" But only if you are planning on leaving this friendship anyway.

@StEval - but I haven't asked if I should persist in asking her out on weekends. I have not done so at all once she asked.

My question was am I being unreasonable to not be bothered to catch up with then during my work day or on weeknights whenever it is convenient to her.

And whether I am being unreasonable by getting pissed off that she's being arsey with me about not sending her messages and taking time off from work during the day!

@BrambleRoses I think we are agreeing with each other to an extent.
But I just think no one person/lifestyle is perfect and it's important to maintain friendships.

I'm wondering whether she is starting to back away as you may be a reminder to her about your shared previous issues which she doesn't want to be reminded of.

I appreciate that I'm probably talking gobshite but the fact that she sees other people at the weekends and not you , suggests that she might only want one to one time , on her terms, so that she can controlling the outing of your previous issues.

That she seems to have insisted that you move to her rural village sounds like she is just saying it but not really meaning it.

I'll get me coat!

Sorry 'control' not 'controlling.'

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@StEval - but I haven't asked if I should persist in asking her out on weekends. I have not done so at all once she asked.

My question was am I being unreasonable to not be bothered to catch up with then during my work day or on weeknights whenever it is convenient to her.

And whether I am being unreasonable by getting pissed off that she's being arsey with me about not sending her messages and taking time off from work during the day![/quote]
If neither of you care enough to compromise then sounds like the friendship is done then.
I think the pp might have hit the nail on the head.
If she has worked through some issues, she might want to distance her other friends/ partner hence the week day thing.

I'm afraid weekends can be sacred for family. Hard to understand I know but I stopped doing so much during weekends when mine were young. Now I take every opportunity to party

@BrambleRoses

The funny thing is that people who insist the OP is being ‘odd’ are the odd ones!

Seriously, who has ‘boundaries’ like this!?

People that we don't know the backstory of. I'm not saying the OP is overstepping as I don't know her. However I've had to put similar, very strong boundaries in with a friend who expects that, as soon as she sends me a WhatsApp, I reply immediately and keep the conversation going as a back and forth for as long as it takes. The times I've had to, in the middle of one of our text conversations that she has initiated, take a break to make the tea/answer the door/take the dog for a walk etc, I've been grilled and basically harassed as to why I'm not replying, with "hello?!?!" messages and 👀 emojis. I tried to politely say that I can't drop everything around me just because we were texting and that if something takes my attention away then I'll reply as soon as I can. I was then grilled as to when the best time in my schedule was for uninterrupted messaging and she tried to lock me into identifying specific times that I would be more able to sit and basically be glued to my phone. I lost it with the pushing and pushing from her and basically had to say the words 'stop pushing at my boundaries, I've told you I will not be harassed into protracted conversations where I feel forced to reply immediately and keep a text conversation going for hours and get a bollocking if I don't'.

So as I say, I'm not saying that the OP is doing this, but there are times where people are forced into strongly asserting their boundaries due to people like my friend.

@StEval the compromises are all one way. That is the issue.

I don't socialise with anyone who considers weekends sacred family time. It just makes life too hard and I cant be bothered. I am happy to compromise and meet up at times that suit me much less sometimes, and times that suit me better. But compromise should be a two way street. Otherwise it is just getting shit upon.

Sounds like she wants to keep the weekends as family time, which is quite normal when you have a baby and a job and a partner who also works.

The people who stayed with her on a weekend were visiting relatives.

She may be more available once baby is older and she’s less tired/busy, but I think for now you either respect her boundaries or step away.

[quote Monopolyiscrap]@StEval the compromises are all one way. That is the issue.

I don't socialise with anyone who considers weekends sacred family time. It just makes life too hard and I cant be bothered. I am happy to compromise and meet up at times that suit me much less sometimes, and times that suit me better. But compromise should be a two way street. Otherwise it is just getting shit upon.[/quote]
She has one day per week with her DH.
Her DM visits on the Saturday.
Sorry but I wouldnt sacrifice that to be with a friend, no way.
Its a difference in schedules not being "shit upon"

hard to understand I know

How unpleasantly patronising.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Sounds like she wants to keep the weekends as family time, which is quite normal when you have a baby and a job and a partner who also works.

The people who stayed with her on a weekend were visiting relatives.

She may be more available once baby is older and she’s less tired/busy, but I think for now you either respect her boundaries or step away.

Exactly.

I had a friend who fell out after I didn't reply to his messages immediately. I had 2 phones at the time a business and a private line. He kept messaging the business phone, but that goes off at 5pm, and sometimes I'd leave it off for days.🤣🤣
I think with a family, business, etc, sometime interruptions are just constant.

When we were younger it was, pint, yes pint, meet.
Easy. Now it's such a faff to leave the house.😬

For those raising messaging - she's the one who's been arsey with me about not messaging her over the weekend.

What do people actually doing during 'sacred family time' that makes it so sacred? It is not something that has come up with my friends who have kids. They don't seem to be doing sacred stuff at weekends which means they can't see anyone else. They seem relieved when we arrive.

@StEval I think you're missing the approach I've taken. I've stepped back contact and she's the one getting arsey because I have been less responsive at catching up during my work days and at messaging.

I think your update about the history and 'therapeutic nature' of the relationship makes sense of this - including of her use of the word 'boundary'. She sees you as 'intense discussion friend'.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Sounds like she wants to keep the weekends as family time, which is quite normal when you have a baby and a job and a partner who also works.

The people who stayed with her on a weekend were visiting relatives.

She may be more available once baby is older and she’s less tired/busy, but I think for now you either respect her boundaries or step away.

That is her decision. But she may be shortsighted in not realising her friends might not be there when she deems them important enough for her time. Friendships like any other relationships take effort from both parties.

Weekends can be absolutely for quality family time and us without kids or indeed those without partners actually understand that. But when the ‘weekday only’ friend is then openly regularly seeing other people at weekends that doesn’t really fit with ‘just family time’ does it.

Doesn’t sound like Op hassles her at all. suggesting one meal one weekend is hardly demanding of someone every weekend is it? Especially when she does things with other people over the weekend.

In fact it sounds like @Amibeinghighmaintenance backed off and the friend is all hurt and wanting attention because she didn’t text her for a few days/over the weekend . It sounds like she wants the friendship all her way rather than compromise which @Amibeinghighmaintenance is happy to do.

I think it's insane how many people on this thread that have partners won't spend time with single friends as a couple

My single friends are all "my friends" I see them both with and without DH. Weekdays and weekends!!

I see one of my female friends usually with her DH because that works for them as we no longer work together 🤷🏽‍♀️ occasionally we meet up as a couple because we live far apart and I usually visit their area without DH.

@SudaneseHipHopFan

What do people actually doing during 'sacred family time' that makes it so sacred? It is not something that has come up with my friends who have kids. They don't seem to be doing sacred stuff at weekends which means they can't see anyone else. They seem relieved when we arrive.

My weekend family time isn't 'sacred' but I do protect it. I see friends for special occasions, I see friends that live too far away or aren't available during the week so I can't see them then. Weekend just gone I went away with a group of female friends for a night because one of them was able to visit from abroad for the first time since Covid - that was absolutely at the top of my priority list. But limiting it to things like birthdays, big group meet-ups, etc - things I don't have any say over the timing of - probably means I meet friends about one in three weekends. I don't want to give up any more time than that with my children - I work four days a week and they're very young - so I might come across as inflexible to a friend who wanted to meet me one-on-one for a coffee at the weekend as I'd try to shift to a weeknight drink or a weekday lunch instead if that was logistically possible. That wouldn't be down to any lack of enthusiasm for seeing the friend and if they felt like the OP I'd really, really want them to say something so I could rectify it.

@lottiegarbanzo - I agree I think that is a part of it and I very much contributed to that dynamic. But I am quite drained of intense discussions all the time and I've done so much work on moving forward. I have an awful lot of superficial chatter to give to the world. (This doesn't mean that I'm not happy to listen to her about what she is finding hard).

Its quite sad really because we had a lovely Friday afternoon when I first got here when we went to a cafe and I gave myself an early minute from work - we had a platter and ice-cream and her kid was there climbing all around and it was lovely fun. And she was so happy about it and sent a long text about how fab it was. But that's the only time we've really done something fun. I think maybe she just can't cope with changing the dynamic, and I'm probably struggling to adjust to that too. And she does have a lot of other shit going on which I get.

But anyway as someone said it really shouldn't be this hard and I think thats the answer! She has no duty to hang out with me and be my friend and vice versa!