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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't catch up on weekends...

577 replies

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 10:27

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
strawberriesarenot · 08/02/2022 15:45

Perhaps she feels she has made a fresh start now. And she is trying to put the bad times behind her. Perhaps she's afraid you will bring difficulties with you, or maybe her husband doesn't know the things she went through, and she doesn't want him to do.
Weekends are precious. So are family times. If you've strived to build a new life, which she clearly has, it's really hard to share.

Also, one day you will be living there forever. So from her view, sensible to set boundaries now.

I agree that it's hard on you, and I think when she sees you living a full and independent life without needing her and her family to fill in the gaps, then things may improve.

Dillydollydingdong · 08/02/2022 15:48

She doesn't want to do weekends and you don't want to do weekdays. Check.....

Kinex · 08/02/2022 15:48

Could it be that she keeps the weekends (e.g. longer stretches of time) to catch up with friends she doesn't see regularly, and as you're here for a few weeks she can see you more often for shorter visits? The friends she has seen at weekends' could be friends she has been planning to see for months. They could also be friends who 'can't do weekdays'. I think you should say no to weekday daytime as you're working so you're actually not free. I do think the way she has communicated this with you is pretty poor, though. It does feel like you have to be flexible because she doesn't want to be - regardless of what's behind it that is quite rude.

BrambleRoses · 08/02/2022 15:52

The funny thing is that people who insist the OP is being ‘odd’ are the odd ones!

Seriously, who has ‘boundaries’ like this!?

AuntyJanet · 08/02/2022 15:55

I know of someone who categorises their friends into A, B and C, literally. It sounds like you’re not deemed to be category A. Not a problem in and of itself but if you see her as category A you might want to re-adjust.

skyeisthelimit · 08/02/2022 15:56

I don't expect my couple friends to spend time with me at weekends as I understand that it may be the only family time that they get. When I was married I used to spend weekends with my Xh or go to one of our parents, or go out for Sunday lunch.

It is a totally different dynamic when it's one single and one couple, as opposed to 2 couples. If she wants to spend family time at the weekend then you need to accept that.

I wouldn't be taking it personally as some are saying. She still wants to see you but has just made it clear that she isn't available for stuff at weekends.

and as for having to always be at her house, some parents like to get out with their kids, but sometimes its easier to stay at home where you have everything that you need and invite people round to you.

SudaneseHipHopFan · 08/02/2022 16:01

@BrambleRoses totally agree, some people seem to take themselves and 'family time' or 'couple time' so seriously. The op isn't asking to have exclusive and sole access to her friend at weekends just to be included in plans from time to time.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 16:02

@skyeisthelimit - do you not have any couple friends that you hang out with? Maybe I am indeed the oddball! I've got a few really close friends who I hang out with both of them often. I'm normally close to the woman in the couple - but very comfortable hanging out with the male. I've been away with couple as a single and had a great time!

OP posts:
Mirrorball2022 · 08/02/2022 16:05

I’m childfree and my best friend had babies over ten years ago. We made it work. I’d call on days off in the week when she was on mat leave etc. It was important to both of us to adjust our meetings to sustain the friendship.

Fast forward and her weekends are now family time. Which is fine. We however still meet up on weekends when we can.

I would feel like you @Amibeinghighmaintenance that other people are allowed to be involved in her life at weekends but you aren’t. I suspect it’s friends of both her and her partner and that is why maybe it happens like a couples situation but I get why OP feels like she does. While adjustments can happen to family circumstance if everything is one sided it does end up feeling like an effort. The arrangements should make both of you happy

skyeisthelimit · 08/02/2022 16:07

I have several couple friends that might have a group night out, I have not been excluded from meals etc, or parties, but I would not presume to ask the wife out for a Sunday lunch when I know that they enjoy their weekends together as a family. When her DH used to work away some weekends we did hang out together, go shopping or drink wine etc, but I didn't expect that to continue when he was home.

I have one couple now, old neighbours who still invite me round occasionally for a BBQ or evening in having drinks or whatever , just me, but we wouldn't say go out for a meal together as the 3 of us.

sillysmiles · 08/02/2022 16:10

It is interesting reading this thread and reading the thread about lonely people having themselves to blame.

If you are single and your friends get married/have kids, you lose your social circle.
If you are married and have excluded friends and only have family time - you've lost your social circle if you marriage breaks down or when your kids no longer need you as much and have their own lives.

I get that kids are only young for a short period of time, but I really think closing down social supports and social networks is such a bad idea.

(Obviously this is not really relevant to the OP)

BrambleRoses · 08/02/2022 16:14

@sillysmiles - I do think this thread is worth a read before people laud about the wonders of single life.

Luckily no one was ever so rude as to inform me that their ‘boundary’ involved excluding me at weekends, but I definitely never felt I could impose on married friends in this time, and my 30s were very lonely as a result.

BrambleRoses · 08/02/2022 16:14

I also think the op has been very gracious and open to suggestions throughout the thread.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/02/2022 16:17

I must admit, if anyone actually declared their 'boundary' to me, out loud, especially one that purely excluded me, that wasn't explained as 'family time' or similar, I'd think they were very odd indeed.

It's one of those perfectly useful terms when written down, describing something, that sounds like crazy psychobabble if you say it out loud, especially not descriptively but to declare a boundary at someone.

StEval · 08/02/2022 16:18

Luckily no one was ever so rude as to inform me that their ‘boundary’ involved excluding me at weekends, but I definitely never felt I could impose on married friends in this time, and my 30s were very lonely as a result

Reading this, you respected their time off together, Op did not.
There is nothing rude about it at all.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 16:28

@StEval - I'm not sure that's fair and where you got that from? I haven't said anything at all to her and I very clearly did not hassle her. I asked her if she wanted to go for something like a brunch or a roast on a weekend I think a couple of weeks after I'd been here. Other discussions about going out have been purely on weekdays when convenient for her.

Indeed last week I was shifted from a Thursday to a Wednesday at 3pm so she could go and pick up some take away at 5 or something to have with her friends Smile. Honestly I've been so friggin understanding.

OP posts:
SudaneseHipHopFan · 08/02/2022 16:30

I have been married a long time. Never had kids. Not sure if that makes any difference. Can honestly say in terms of invites I would make absolutely no differentiation between friends who are couples, friends who are single, friends who are divorced etc..

To he honest if I was hosting a party or dinner I would give probably closer thought to my single friends (male and female) knowing that if they didn't have plans they may be alone that evening/weekend. But that I think is seeing people as individuals and not part of a units. I have often holidayed with friends and not my DH and he has done the same vice versa. When we holiday in groups together it is a mixed bag of couples, singles, divorcees, whoever is around and wants to come.

thing47 · 08/02/2022 16:31

If people start imposing hard and fast boundaries on a friendship, the friendship is likely to die out, I would say, as a natural consequence of that behaviour. So while it's not unreasonable or rude exactly, nor is it the basis of a sustainable close friendship. So it also isn't rude for @Amibeinghighmaintenance to decide that a relationship on those terms doesn't suit her.

hattie43 · 08/02/2022 16:35

I think she is being rude . To not want to see you on a weekend is her choice but to then be seen out and about with others at the weekend is hurtful.

If it was me I'd wait for her to instigate a get together and then you can decide if it suits or not . I wouldn't be chasing or suggesting any other meetings with her as she has clearly put you down the rung of those to spend precious weekend time with .

It is hard as a singleton having married friends as we always come second , third etc

Only you can decide if you want this friendship to continue but for her to set a ' boundary ' of when she'll see you is just rude and I would personally drop her because friendship should be spontaneous and you really only 'schedule ' business people x

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 08/02/2022 16:37

Not unreasonable to be hurt but she simply isn't willing to put effort into your friendship and you should just match that. I'm sure you have other friends. Friends can come and go. She obviously values her weekend time a lot and will only spend it with people she values a lot. I'm sorry you aren't one of them. She sounds like she lacks self-awareness because she sent you pictures of her out at the weekend having told you she doesn't do weekends? I doubt she’s being mean or is insane, but it does show even further lack of regard for you in general.

So no, you are not being unreasonable to stop participating in the friendship as that’s what she has done.

StEval · 08/02/2022 16:49

StEval- I'm not sure that's fair and where you got that from?
The fact she is being so firm with you.
Thats usually a sign that someone isnt listening and has to be told directly.
You have also started a thread asking if yabu?
She said no.
Listen to her

sillysmiles · 08/02/2022 16:53

@BrambleRoses lots of people don't choose to be single. Equally lots of people (at least on MN) have pos unsupportive boarderline abusive partners.

but I definitely never felt I could impose on married friends in this time, and my 30s were very lonely as a result.
But this loneliness wasn't of your making or your fault. And I don't think blanket exclusions of everyone but partner and kids is a healthy dynamic.
But I sometimes think those married with children "forget" that in 10-15 yrs time they'll need and want their friends again and I don't think it is clever of them to completely abandon their friendships in their 30s.

I often think friends you make in later life aren't as close as earlier life.

TedMullins · 08/02/2022 16:53

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@Gwenhwyfar - this! Thank you!

Its a bit of a tangent but I think its a real shame that some couples can only meet up with couples. I have some lovely couple friends with that I hang out and we all have a lovely time. I have great conversations with their male partners, we can all talk together. It always baffles me that some couples struggle to hang out with a single person.

But that's a side issue and whilst I think it is a factor here I don't think its probably the major one.[/quote]
I agree with this so much! I have friends in long term relationships but if they have people over I still get invited as a single person, and my other coupled-up friends leave their partners behind to hang out with me and our other friends - in fact three of us are on a week’s holiday right now, with their boyfriends left at home! I’m grateful I’ve never experienced this bizarre exclusion for being single and I find it a really baffling attitude. To those people saying weekends are ‘family time’ but that it’s fine for couple friends to hang out with you and your family, why is that OK but it’s not OK for a single friend to hang out with your family? OP has said she gets on well with her friend’s partner and child so why would it be fine to see her on a weekend if she was in a couple, but not alone? Very odd.

TedMullins · 08/02/2022 16:54

@SudaneseHipHopFan

I have been married a long time. Never had kids. Not sure if that makes any difference. Can honestly say in terms of invites I would make absolutely no differentiation between friends who are couples, friends who are single, friends who are divorced etc..

To he honest if I was hosting a party or dinner I would give probably closer thought to my single friends (male and female) knowing that if they didn't have plans they may be alone that evening/weekend. But that I think is seeing people as individuals and not part of a units. I have often holidayed with friends and not my DH and he has done the same vice versa. When we holiday in groups together it is a mixed bag of couples, singles, divorcees, whoever is around and wants to come.

At last, a normal person!
sillysmiles · 08/02/2022 16:54

@StEval

StEval- I'm not sure that's fair and where you got that from? The fact she is being so firm with you. Thats usually a sign that someone isnt listening and has to be told directly. You have also started a thread asking if yabu? She said no. Listen to her
Just because she's being firm doesn't mean that the OP pushed. The OP invited her out one weekend. Hardly a crime.