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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that DH has gone awol on new years eve?

98 replies

puddingandcream · 31/12/2007 16:56

Well all over christmas I have been ill with a viral infection and sickness and have felt completly washed out and generally feeling sick all the time.

DH has been good,sharing the cooking and getting up with the children while I have had a few lie ins and tidying the kitchen most days.
Things that I do everyday normally anyway but he feels like I have been taking the piss.

Anyway today he decides he is walking into town to pay some bills and have a quick pint at the pub ,this was 12.45pm.

4.52pm and he is still not home.
So will imagine by now he is quite drunk and bang goes our new years evening.

We had no plans as such but now am sat here wondering what time and what state he will be in when he fianlly gets in and am feeling sick and anxious worrying how he will be.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to be here on new years eve with his family or as he has been doing most of the work over christmas should I let it go as he deserves it.
He is probably doing this to get back at me.

I asked him how long he would be,he said an hour or 2 .

OP posts:
Shaniece · 31/12/2007 22:50

Bloody hell pudding - your man has some issues. Havent read all the thread though.

beeper · 31/12/2007 22:53

How dare you get ill and need help.

Your a bad mother and wife.

Men are tits on sticks

mehdi · 31/12/2007 22:55

hey pudding sorry trying to get ds to settle. He went out at six. Its like listening to myself reading your threads. I feel i have to adjust my moods to make them fit his. He gets into moods where he just starts on me for no reason. He spits in my face when he is angry and has hit me on numerous occasions i feel its my fault every time and always say sorry. I use to be so confident. Now i feel useless and fat and ugly. He has not touched me for two years. Friends tell me to leave but i have nowhere to go. Is he ok with you any of the time for eg. Can go months being nice then just switch?

Original poster
puddingandcream · 31/12/2007 22:58

Well he says I am away with the fairies ,and am beginning to think I am.

I am exhausted most of the time and hate what a crap mother I am because of it.
I am nervous,jump at the slightest thing and can't deal with my DS's diagnosis and it breaks my heart to see him struggle at school.
I also suffer from panic attacks.
I hate going to bed as I know I will just lie there and can't settle,especially since my infection which can be brought on by stress.

WEll that's my excuses for being a crap housewife who does'nt keep the place tidy and is according to my DH "a selfish bitch"
for spoiling new year.
Even though he disappeared for 5 hours earlier.

OP posts:
mehdi · 31/12/2007 23:02

my dh says i need a doctor. I have head problems. They must go to the same classes!you mentioned his family are not from this country where are they from because my dh is not english either

Original poster
puddingandcream · 31/12/2007 23:08

I just feel so down,am normally really healthy but this viral infection has knocked me for six.

Us mothers have to go on regardless.

mehdi-is your DH back yet?
So sorry you are going through this also.
It is so difficult to know what to do.

My DH goes through stages of this and is like 2 different people.
All over christmas he has given me no indication that resentment was building up and obviously he choose today to get back at me.

Like you I was very confident but now I double check the most simplest of things with myself.

My DH has told me I look a mess at the moment and said it's like living with a leper.
Well I can't help having about 100 spots all over my body because of this viral infection.
It is literally driving me mad withhe itching that I am scratching my self until I bleed .

OP posts:
callmeovercautious · 31/12/2007 23:11

I am so for you both. Please look into how you can break the cycle and even leave the relationship if needs be.

As for the burning the tree comment I am shocked, this means that tonight is not a one off? and the comments on the family make me think they know he has issues?

Mehedi - is there any sign of him? Are you worried about him when he gets home?

Original poster
puddingandcream · 31/12/2007 23:12

HI ,when I say not english they are Irish,so live in Ireland.

But we hardly see them ,which is another issue with my DH and his parents.
If we did'nt make the effort to go and see them they would'nt get to see their grand children.
Which when I make issue of this is my fault .

OH recognise that one.
My DH has said I need to be sectioned before and I was mad.

OP posts:
mehdi · 31/12/2007 23:16

no dh not back. Not expecting him back till late. I can never see his mood swings coming. Its so hard to deal with even more so when you sick. I have no doubt his behaviour is adding to your illness. I have the same problem with my sister but worse when he hit me before i took ds to her house when it was made more than clear we couldnt stay there. Dh family think he is a great husband because where he is from its normal for women to be treated like that. Just sat here with coughing ds watching most annoying people on tv nothing else on

Original poster
puddingandcream · 31/12/2007 23:27

HI mehdi-me too.
Have the tv on just for company.

Will you be ok when he fianally get in?
Will he just collapse and go to sleep?

I hate the morning after as I know he will ahve a hang over and so will be grumpy ans of course won't remember anything he has said or done.

If I remind him he ethier promises never to do it again or is still angry with me and will be off with me for the rest of the day.

OP posts:
mehdi · 31/12/2007 23:34

wish i could be asleep. Sleep evades me at the moment. He will be ok when he gets in as he has a friend staying and as long as dont voice any kind of opinion he doesnt agree with he will be ok. What about you is he out for count. I dont suppose by any luck you live near london do you

Original poster
puddingandcream · 31/12/2007 23:49

mehdi-I live about 3 and a half hours from London.

My DH is asleep on the bed ,still in his clothes snoring away.

IS it a close friend who is staying,is aware of your situation?

OP posts:
ChirpyGirl · 31/12/2007 23:55

Oh you two, I am so sorry you are both having to go through this.
I can only empathise as this is exactly what my father was like as I was growing up, treading on eggshells without even realising that's what you are doing, making sure everything is okay so that there is no excuse for them to kick off and then blaming yourself when they (inevitably) do.

It wasn't until I left home that I realised what I was doing, and that I was 'allowed' to raise my voice to someone, in fact it has only been the last year or so of my 12 year relationship with DH that I have truly felt I could be myself in whatever mood I feel like being without concern for repurcussions. As I said, it sin't the same as this was my father, not my DH but I am sure that you (both) are only feeling ill due to the stress of living in the pressure cooker situation that you are. Please get some help, or even call someone to talk it through, it doesn't have to be like this.

Love to you both.

mehdi · 31/12/2007 23:56

no its a friend of a friend of his from algeria. Tried to call him but he not answering. It was busy for about five minutes but could not answer for me. Well happy new year love. I have this delusion that he will change but i know he wont. Really do resent him having a life and when i sick and need help he out. I watched titanic other night and thought why cant i have love like that.

Original poster
puddingandcream · 01/01/2008 00:04

Thanks chirpygirl-Hate to think of my children growing up with this as memories.

OP posts:
Original poster
puddingandcream · 01/01/2008 00:06

Happy new year-let me know how you get on tomorrow.

OP posts:
ChirpyGirl · 01/01/2008 00:10

Crap, the last thing I wanted to do was make you feel bad It was totally different for me as my dad was physically and mentally abusive to us but not my mum so it would not necessarily be the same for you.

All the same, Happy new year to you both, hope the next one is a bit brighter for you.

mehdi · 01/01/2008 00:11

and you honey. Will look out for you tomorrow. Just rememberyou not alone on how you feel. Its them not us

Original poster
puddingandcream · 01/01/2008 00:13

CHirpyGirl-You have'nt made me feel bad at all

Happy new year.

Speak tomorrow mehdi

OP posts:
mumzyof2 · 01/01/2008 02:57

At least he didnt come home after 3 hours of drinking, and beat the crap out of his 5 month pregnant girlfriend like my boyfriend just did for two hours - cut my face, beat my head, try and strangle me, and twist my arms.
And have to ring the police after youve locked yourself in the bathroom, and your three year old is asleep upstairs.
im so sad, i need someone to talk to.

anorak · 01/01/2008 03:13

pudding I apologise for telling you to cut him some slack at the start of this thread.

As things turned out you were right to be worried. He is bullying you and it's out of order. Whatever his "reasons".

katylessbumpy · 01/01/2008 03:16

mumzy are you ok? i'm around if you need to talk x

anorak · 01/01/2008 03:24

mumzy you poor thing. I don't know what to say except never let him do this again

tribpot · 01/01/2008 07:35

pudding, mehdi, mumzy, hope you're all okay this morning To be honest I think you all need to contact Women's Aid and I hope 2008 will be the year when your lives improve dramatically.

kd73 · 01/01/2008 08:43

I am so sorry for you pudding, mehdi & mumzy . New Year and Christmas can be an incredibly stressful time however this does not excuse violent behaviour

Please take a look at your lives, what does he bring? Do you normally enjoy a happy life together? if not I would encourage you to get out. I know it sounds easy to say and very scary to do, but trust me one day you will look back and say thank god I moved on.

Good luck for 2008