To give DP a deadline for the proposal

[Teqillatey]

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

Grendelsgraanma I didn't mean my previous comments to sound as if I was disagreeing with you. I wasn't, not at all.

Going back to history:

FWIW, Queen Victoria proposed to Prince Albert.

Yes, I know that was partly about rank/status, but Q Vict was presented with more than one 'suitable' man, and she fell in love with at least one of them before Albert; it was to a considerable degree up to her to decide who she wanted.

Fascinating article ; www.historyextra.com/period/victorian/love-before-prince-albert-queen-victoria-suitors-lovers-marriage-sex-romance/

If you are both in your 30’s then you could even miss out the proposal/engagement bit and start talking about a marriage date:future plans. I wouldn’t wait it out, he knows if you are the one or not.

When I was living my now DH he phoned me up just before Christmas and asked what I wanted for Christmas. I said an engagement ring, and that was that. No proposal at all, that was 27 years ago.

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

Giving someone a strict deadline and insisting that they do it in that time isn't really 'a special moment', unless you mean you want to post it on Facebook/Instagram/TikTok?

I just don't agree with you.

What don’t you agree with?

That I was surprised that my otherwise non-romantic husband proposed to me in a very romantic way?

The fact that he proposed wasn’t a surprise, just that he did it at all, and how he did it. We both knew we would get married to each other at some point and had known from very early in the relationship.

You cringing at the thought of it actually amuses me.

In your position I would have a serious conversation with dp along the lines ... I'm not sure how you feel about marriage, but it is very important to me and I don't want to waste more time on a long term relationship which ends with separation, so if you think I'm not for you let me know now, or give me a time period when you've made up your mind, and if it's no, I can move on.

18 months is plenty long enough.

DH and I had been together a year when he first brought up the topic of us getting married. I took this as a proposal - turned out it definitely wasn't - told my parents we were getting married and the next day we were picking venues and setting dates. He was a bit shocked but had backed himself into a corner.

Will be 10 years married this year

Stop waiting for a proposal. He's talked about you getting married, just get on with it.

The fact that he proposed wasn’t a surprise, just that he did it at all, and how he did it.

Badly worded. It was the manner of the proposal that was the surprise.

I don't understand people like the OP.

My DH and I discussed getting married 22 years ago. Then agreed it was a good idea. There was no 'proposal' and I certainly wouldn't have felt the need to wait for one.

it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

If you've had to nag him to do it, it's hardly going to be a special moment.

My DH and I discussed getting married 22 years ago. Then agreed it was a good idea. There was no 'proposal' and I certainly wouldn't have felt the need to wait for one.

Us too! But (eeek) 43 years ago. And that was when people are considered to have been 'more traditional' in their views etc.

Haha I've been with mine for 13 years and sometimes wonder about doing this but probably a bit late now tbh

It's seen as somehow untraditional that a woman is assertive enough to be firm about her values, and her wishes for her future. I think that there's a general assumption by many that if a woman drives the proposal that there's something desperate or needy about it. And that's further compounded by the belief that there's a set way for a 'right' proposal - a ring, a beautiful setting, and that it's a total surprise on a timeline determined by the man.

Traditionally, a proposal was probably driven by the fact that many women wouldn't co-habit or have sex, at least not without a proposal and wedding plans firmly under way, and men pretty much knew that if the proposal wasn't happening soon, there was a very good chance that the women he loved would consider her valuable time being wasted and would break up with him. A woman assertively being clear about what she wants, and being clear what he fucking wants isn't happening until he's demonstrated he can deliver on his fancy flowery words of love. That's tradition, right there.

I think this generation have been duped. They've been told that they should plough ahead with all the elements of a marriage (sex, joint income, home purchase, children, usually being primary child carer) at a cost to themselves, while simultaneously being sold the notion that marriage and a proposal is solely the domain of the men to decide if or when it takes place and we are desperate harpies if we try to control our own destiny.

The saying "why buy the cow when the milk is free" is one I heard in my youth and thought it horribly old fashioned back in the 80's. But you know, it's fairly apt here. The relationships board is littered with women who find themselves trapped into a life they can't easily leave to a man who doesn't need to propose - why would he? He's got all the bits of marriage that he wants, with none of the risk.

It's rather a mind boggler that the so-called traditional values that remain with regard to marriage are far more patriarchal in nature than in previous generations. It's no surprise that any traditional values that got lost along the way are the ones that gave women their agency. Feminism my arse. Patriarchy is thriving with this bullshit.

It's rather a mind boggler that the so-called traditional values that remain with regard to marriage are far more patriarchal in nature than in previous generations. It's no surprise that any traditional values that got lost along the way are the ones that gave women their agency. Feminism my arse. Patriarchy is thriving with this bullshit

It is indeed

@Teqillatey

Appreciate your comments. I really didn’t want this post to turn in to a thread about how women shouldn’t wait for the man to propose! I’m well aware it’s perfectly acceptable either way but it’s just not something I’m looking to do personally. Whether I meet your idea of “traditional” due to the fact I already live with my partner is besides the point.

It kind of isn't, though.

If you're living together then you're picking and choosing the traditional bits you fancy - which is totally fine, no judgement, but you should be clear on that.

I'd also question how special an expected proposal you had to set a deadline for would feel?

In my situation I told me husband it was upsetting that he hadn’t asked me to marry him. He said it would happen. 6 months later and it hadn’t happened.

We sat down together and discussed it. I told him I wanted to get married and said if he didn’t want to marry me he needed to tell me straight as, as much as I adored him, I wanted to be married. He agreed we should just book it and I did the next day. I only mentioned it to my mother..

That weekend he got down on one knee and officially asked me. I tell people that part of the story. Not that I’d already booked it 4 days earlier 😂

Yes tell him you’re expectations, just say you would be unhappy if you got to 3 years together and he hadn’t proposed and you would feel unappreciated. I just hit 4 years with my partner and the day after our anniversary I said ‘I’m gutted you didn’t propose yesterday, 4 years takes the piss. Makes me think you don’t love me enough and I’m just convenient’. It was exactly what I felt and I prefer honesty in a relationship. Holidays and birthdays kept coming and going with no proposal whilst people who had been together half the time got married!

Saying something like that might ruin the romance/ fun of it if he feels like he’s being forced, and you might be in for an uphill battle if he’s the sort to drag his feet in relationships anyway. Mine is now planning a proposal but just confessed to me that he only want to spend £600 on a ring which I think is a very low budget, certainly wouldn’t be my dream ring and I know he could afford more. This makes me think he isn’t bothered about proposing, that he sort of resents having to buy a ring. I’m quite upset about it as I see people being surprised with beautiful proposal and rings all the time.

Also Valentine's Day is coming up...do you have plans for that? He may surprise you

@Zazdar

The fact that he proposed wasn’t a surprise, just that he did it at all, and how he did it.

Badly worded. It was the manner of the proposal that was the surprise.

Thank you for clarifying this now makes sense to me.

I agree conversations around if you want to marry but the proposal specifics make a lovely surprise.

Back to your original post however, your friend was she asking to discuss getting married and timescales or telling her ex the location of any proposal? You made it seem as though it was the former which is why I responded.

MN is such a weird place.

The OP has said NOTHING WHATSOEVER about wanting a flash, Instagram, OTT proposal. Yet so many people are berating her for this. Why?

All she has said is she would prefer him to propose to her. She is entitled to want this and I don’t know why people are making out like this is something weird or old-fashioned. It’s normal.

Any MN thread about proposals ... cue hundreds of women falling over themselves about how they just said,’Oh better get married I suppose,’ while traipsing round Asda or something. One that particularly stands out was woman on here who proudly regaled with the tale of his her ‘DH’ shouted to her “Do you want a ring or what?’ while she was on the toilet! She interpreted this as a marriage proposal and was delighted.

The OP is not asking for grandiose gestures. She just wants him to ask in a way that is meaningful and memorable to him and to her and she wants him to take the initiative here. You know, like 99% of men manage to do.

My husband proposed but it certainly wasn’t a ‘performance’ for anyone else. There was only seagulls! We were walking in some cliffs and he got doen one one knee and said come beautiful things gave me a ring. It was a very special moment for us and that’s all most women want, I think. I don’t know one woman who has had to take it upon herself to ask a man to marry her. Sounds crap, to be honest.

OP, you can’t give him an ultimatum though as it will defeat the whole purpose. Are you worried about fertility ? Maybe have a talk to him about this and tell him you feel anxious about time passing you by. Or tell him you think it’s lovely that this other guy proposed to your friend and ask him why he thinks it was too soon. Something like that, But don’t give him an ultimatum because, if he does then propose, you’ll always feel like he did it under pressure. Good luck!

I am tending to agree with a lot of PP that if you're setting a deadline, it's not going to be this special moment you're thinking of. Or you might find that you end up single....

It's another classic MN wedding misery competition, who can have the least exciting engagement, whose wedding can be the cheapest and have the lowest number of people there.

No - it's a sad indictment of our image-obsessed era that people judge a wedding that is modest in size and inexpensive as 'miserable' and an engagement as 'unexciting' unless it's accompanied by instagram-worthy fanfare.

Do people really think this? On a wide, cultural level?*

Yes

@Blossom64265

If you are in your 30s and contemplating spending the rest of your lives together, then you need to start having some conversations about what that might look like. Do you see children in your future? If so, how many? What is a realistic timeline for having those kids? What about housing? Are you where you want to be long term? Marriage is a natural part of this future planning conversation. I personally would want to be married before ttc, so that would be something I would let my partner know during these conversations.

So no, I wouldn’t set a deadline. I would make sure you have open and likely ongoing and ever evolving discussions about your future.

This a 1000 times...

If you need marriage before ttc...

You and HE need to get a move on... Fertility drops off a cliff after 35 (unless this has changed in last 20 years...).

If kids are on the horizob make sure he jasbt swallowed thr myth of celebrity womeb conceiving ib their mid 40s and beyond.... They have LOTS of help (sometimes a surrogate...

Pals husband had swallowed this x when he was suggesting they took 2 years off to travel the world before kids... She was 39... Luckily she had twins within 18 months... By 42 she was menopausal.

Yes there are womeb conceiving naturally ib their 40s...but these are the EXCEPTIONS.

If kids are a priority... When did your mum go through menopause? ... This is pretty heritable (medics please correct if i am wrong).

Have you asked your father if he might have refused giving permission, tradition and all?

Giving a deadline isn't letting him take the lead! What will you do if he doesn't propose? Will you split up with him?
Also 18m isn't very long.