To give DP a deadline for the proposal

[Teqillatey]

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

I definitely don’t think it is the case that all women are invariably desperate to get married at all. I just meant that if you do happen to be a woman for whom this has become very important (for whatever reason), most men would just know this - sense the vibe - without you having to say anything. You can usually tell if something is making your partner anxious or confused. If he’s totally oblivious to you then he’s probably not the tight one anyway.

@DrSbaitso

I knew a young man at work who was told how he was to "surprise" her. They were going on holiday to somewhere expensive, he was told the ring he needed to buy, told when he had to do the proposal and exactly where, I kid you not he had to propose on a flight of steps to a tourist place. I couldn't help thinking it was the least romantic thing I'd ever heard of.

She sure made it easy, though. He wasn't at all unclear about what she wanted.

Obviously if he wasn't happy to do it then that's another issue. But it doesn't sound as if she was at all coy about it. She was pretty open, honest and straightforward, like everyone is saying women should be.

If she'd done it I could agree but giving him his instructions just seemed odd to me and far from romantic. I agree she was open and honest except he wasn't really proposing was he, I mean he was an actor in her movie following directions. She will no doubt have talked about the romantic proposal, the beautiful ring that was just what she wanted (how surprising) and how "he" picked the perfect place and time except he didn't did he. Her sister was on holiday with them and I wouldn't be amazed if she photographed or filmed this spontaneous event.

He was a bit of a drip though.

@SoupDragon

Obviously if he wasn't happy to do it then that's another issue. But it doesn't sound as if she was at all coy about it. She was pretty open, honest and straightforward, like everyone is saying women should be.

And yet if he had dictated stuff to her, he would be deemed "controlling" and it would be a "red flag" 😂

I was thinking what it would be if you turned it round. Maybe him telling her he was going to "surprise" her by proposing on holiday. He'd like her to make sure she had her hair done that morning and wore full make up, perhaps a nice new outfit for the "spontaneous" photos.

Something like that.

I believe men know very soon how they feel about someone and many will waste years of a woman's life as he enjoys the perks of getting all the benefits of marriage without having to do anything.

I don't believe this. Not as a general rule, anyway. Obviously some men are very decisive and quick to make up their minds about long-term stuff, as are some women, but it's ridiculous to say it applies to all of them. That quality isn't linked to genitalia.

And it implies that women are naturally more indecisive, which is a bizarre thing to think.

@anonno1

I definitely don’t think it is the case that all women are invariably desperate to get married at all. I just meant that if you do happen to be a woman for whom this has become very important (for whatever reason), most men would just know this - sense the vibe - without you having to say anything. You can usually tell if something is making your partner anxious or confused. If he’s totally oblivious to you then he’s probably not the tight one anyway.

No no no no no, absolutely never rely on your partner reading your mind. Yes they might see that you're anxious about something but they won't know what about unless you TELL THEM. With your words. Like an adult.

It drives me absolutely batty when people just expect you to sense what's amiss with them.

Hey girl, I read this on Newsweek and felt obligated to respond. I went through this exact same situation. I took my fiancé to a therapy session with me and I told him that I wasn’t going to wait any longer (I was 32, we had been together for over 2 years, owned a home together, etc.). Fast forward to today: we are 18 days away from our big day after 3 cancelled weddings (due to COVID) and I can’t help but feel like it would have been so much more special had I not laid down an ultimatum. He would say that he doesn’t regret it but honestly, I hate knowing that my need for a ring caused me to miss out on the element of surprise (I totally knew he was going to propose) and being able to KNOW without a doubt that he was sincere.

My advice for you is to find someone who can stand in as a bipartisan mediator and talk to one another using “I feel” statements. For example, “I feel concerned that we’re only getting older and I want to make sure we have the best possible chance of having a healthy and happy family ten years from now.” Idk, I just made that up but you get the idea. Communication is key in a successful relationship. Good luck, love.

This thread is in Newsweek?

This thread is in Newsweek?

www.newsweek.com/woman-sets-boyfriend-marriage-proposal-deadline-mumsnet-1677105

@Zazdar

How big are big romantic proposals? What is involved? I’m imagining something like a West End musical production.

I was proposed to, as I mentioned earlier, but it was just the two of us and quite discrete.

Well, there's this dementedly funny site called something like Propose2Me which is big on how the person being proposed to will think you arranged all this yourself which will stage a surprise 'romantic champagne picnic' at a beauty spot of your choosing, or the same thing, but at night at the end of a trail of lights, or arrange a proposal on horseback or in a helicopter, or a walk to a beauty spot with a pretend tour guide who is in fact an undercover photographer who will apparently capture the moment when the man drops to one knee, or one where a boat sails into view with WILL YOU MARRY ME? written on the sail.

Optional extras include writing a personalised proposal poem, fireworks, a hidden photographer to capture the moment, or a musician who presumably pops out of a bush to strum or tootle while you propose.

The best bit, though is the small print where the business says it's not responsible for any injuries, and 'all proposals are booked at your own risk'.

You want to give someone a deadline for a proposal??? How very bizarre and weird!

Honestly I think sometimes you can't win on Mumsnet.

When someone posts about setting a deadline for their partner to commit to marriage they get told they're being unreasonable, and when someone posts saying their partner of a decade and father of their children doesn't want to marry them and they have no financial security they get told they were being unreasonable to get pregnant before being married.

If you're in your 30s and you want kids and you also want to be married before having them, you don't have time to hang around waiting for a proposal that might never come.

Bloody hell, that's one slow news day.

rosnagoose That is wonderful but terrible ! Hollywood, social media and worst of all the wedding industry have an AWFUL lot to apologise for.

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

Well you might be waiting for more than 2 years then. Be brave. Go for it. Proposals are overrated anyway.

@Kelly7889

Two years certainly isn't enough to know a person inside out and know you want to spend the rest of your life with them. It isn't until you have been through sickness, tragedy, bereavement, unemployment or similar mass upheaval together until you really know a person.

Also, if you are living together, you aren't at all "traditional".

I totally disagree. Two years is more than long enough to know whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone or not, especially if you are living together.

Me and DH married 5 months after meeting. We didn't live together but we did see each other every day even if only for hour. I was 25 and DH was 23.

We celebrate 42 years of very happy marriage this year and are still very much in love.

I know couples we knew each other over 10 years before marrying and they are now all divorced. One couple were engaged for 18 years and then their marriage lasted 7 months.

I totally get that OP thinks they have been together long enough to know they want to be married but giving an ultimatum and then waiting for the big proposal just seems rather silly.

I am another one that doesn't get the big (supposedly) surprise proposal. If you are already living with someone it surely means (usually) that you want to be together and is the precursor, for many, for marriage so why would a proposal come as a surprise.

My DH's proposal was a surprise as it came 3 weeks after we met. It still wasn't big or showy though. We were sitting watching tv at his parents' house and he just asked "will you marry me".

We never even got an engagement ring as I don't really see the point of them and just had a quiet small wedding.

Errrrr YES!

@mydogisthebest

I completely agree. I think if you're 30 plus or even late 20s you know really really fast. I honestly think you'll know after 6 months.

I completely get for young people it's different.

[quote D0lphine]@mydogisthebest

I completely agree. I think if you're 30 plus or even late 20s you know really really fast. I honestly think you'll know after 6 months.

I completely get for young people it's different. [/quote]
Well DH was only 23 when we married so he was young. I was 26

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

Traditional backgrounds and values, but not so traditional that you're not living together... Being 'traditional' seems often to be used a get out clause for men who have no intention of proposing, but who are quite happy to keep dangling on a hypothetical stick to retain the access to sex relationship

I'm confused how "very traditional values" foots to two people who (presumably) are having a sexual relationship. Asking the man to propose isn't a traditional value -- it's enforcing a gender role.

You are not unreasonable for having the conversation nor for setting your expectations. You are you are oddly inconsistent though by being stuck in an outdated concept of gender roles as it relates to proposals but yet a fairly current concept of women expressing their needs.

You could resolve this by simply putting your entire body in one place. Either own what you want and ask for it or let him take the lead on asking and timing.

Just ask him to marry you. If he says no, then you know and you can move on.

@babyjellyfish

Honestly I think sometimes you can't win on Mumsnet.

When someone posts about setting a deadline for their partner to commit to marriage they get told they're being unreasonable, and when someone posts saying their partner of a decade and father of their children doesn't want to marry them and they have no financial security they get told they were being unreasonable to get pregnant before being married.

If you're in your 30s and you want kids and you also want to be married before having them, you don't have time to hang around waiting for a proposal that might never come.

Agree - but the OP isn't setting a deadline for her partner to commit. She's got a vision in her head of the "perfect proposal". This is a very, very different thing. XH said we should probably get married when I was pregnant, and I said "oh, alright then". Turns out that was the most useful conversation we ever had.

I'd make a nice dinner, perhaps rabbit to get him in the mood.

As I mentioned upthread, I am unmarried in a LTR so have never had a proposal but I am very surprised by the number of people on here who say proposals are unusual. Most of my friends are married and there were proposals involved every time. They ranged from romantic Caribbean beaches to the dining room table, and most couples had already discussed marriage but there was still one person proposing each time.

Agree - but the OP isn't setting a deadline for her partner to commit. She's got a vision in her head of the "perfect proposal". This is a very, very different thing. XH said we should probably get married when I was pregnant, and I said "oh, alright then". Turns out that was the most useful conversation we ever had.

I mean she hasn't really said anything beyond wanting her partner to be the one who asks her rather than the other way around. I don't think that's unusual.

You can talk a lot about marriage and be on the same page about what you want and when, and still want to follow the traditional path of the man proposing to the woman. But I think in that situation, if the man doesn't propose within the expected timescale, the woman needs to take matters into her own hands rather than just waiting around for the perfect proposal.

@AnotherSillawithanS

I'd make a nice dinner, perhaps rabbit to get him in the mood.