Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow "chaos" for one day?

131 replies

Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 20:08

DS6months is unwell. Irritable, clingy and needs some extra attention. I also have DS2 who goes to nursery 3 days a week but not today. DH works from home and berated me for the "chaos" the house was in when he finished work. The house was untidy but both children were well looked after; fed, clean, been to the playground. No tantrums from DS2 that would have disturbed him working, but plenty of crying and whining from the baby all day. He didn't mention this however, he was only focused on the house.
The house was a mess because 1. Baby DS is really unsettled and needs constant attention so it's hard to do much and 2. Because I was in A&E with him last night so didn't get to tidy up and started today on the backfoot.
I told DH he could have helped by tidying last night but he said that's just an excuse, I need to get better control of the house. He did tidy up when he finished work while I was bathing DS6months.
AIBU that I prioritised my ill child and let the housework slip for a day? He's pretty hands on and helpful but very rigid in that he doesn't cope well when things deviate from the norm.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 07/02/2022 20:10

Yeah at the level of sleep deprivation, I would have said some swear words to not so dh, handed him the mop/brush, headed to bed and then burst into tears.

EmmaGracemum · 07/02/2022 20:12

yanbu, but children get ill quite a lot. If the house being messy upsets your husband he will likely spend a lot of time upset with two little ones. Talk to him about getting a cleaner / redistributing household jobs so that there is wiggle room for the unexpected.

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 07/02/2022 20:12

Who died and made him king of the house? Baby poorly enough for an a&e trip, plus a toddler, and you still managed to get them to the playground today. He owes you a big hug and a strong drink. Fuck the housework.

Meandthesky · 07/02/2022 20:13

YANBU

Of course your unwell child is the priority.

Also parenting his own child and cleaning his own home is not DH being “helpful”, it’s a bare minimum of being an adult.

JustBlethering · 07/02/2022 20:14

He sounds like a cunt. His baby was in A&E last night and he's bothered by the messy house?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2022 20:16

He's not your manager. You're not his employee.

I've have told him to fuck off.

EmilyEmmabob · 07/02/2022 20:17

He needs to get used to it or move out. I wouldn't stand for that, you're an adult looking after 2 kids and so what if the house isn't at 'D'H's standard. If he wants his house kept to a certain standard then he can either do it himself or hire a housekeeper.

frazzledasarock · 07/02/2022 20:17

Yeah I’d have patioed DH if he ever mentioned the housework to me.

Tell your H he can take care of house cleaning as it upsets him so much whilst you deal with the kids, as they’re your priority.

If he’s WFH, he can do a quick tidy during his breaks and lunchtime. He should be perfectly able to keep a pristine house. If he reckons you should be able to with a toddler and very unwell child and sleep deprivation.

CatDogMonkeyPOW · 07/02/2022 20:19

Does he have any redeeming features OP?

MangshorJhol · 07/02/2022 20:20

Wow. He sounds like a deeply misogynistic husband. When he takes a break from work (because no parent of a baby AND a toddler let alone a sick baby gets a break) why couldn’t HE tidy up the house?

He obviously sees your job as a mother as being less important. If he thought of you as an equal he would not be belittling and dismissive. He would step in to help.

Lampshading · 07/02/2022 20:21

DH is no Saint but absolutely not he wouldn't dare say something like that! He's not that great around the house but would have started tidying etc after work and led on bedtime.

stuntbubbles · 07/02/2022 20:22

I told DH he could have helped by tidying last night but he said that's just an excuse, I need to get better control of the house.
What a thundering fucking arsehole. You could have had a day with the 2yo in nursery and the six month old absolutely fine and it’s still OK to have a messy house, but you were the day after going to A&E! Fucking HELL.

If he doesn’t like a messy house he can tidy it, or fuck off.

Wotsitsits · 07/02/2022 20:26

If he's that bothered then HE can "get control of the house" by spending 2 hours cleaning and tidying after dinner every night.

What a dickhead

LetTheBirdsSing · 07/02/2022 20:26

Your husband sounds like a wanker to be honest. Sorry to not say anything more constructive. Hope your wee one is more settled soon Flowers

LetTheBirdsSing · 07/02/2022 20:27

You should show him this thread and let him know that the internet thinks he’s a twat Grin

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/02/2022 20:30

Christ I do sometimes wish my DH noticed mess and dust, it really doesn’t bother him. But I would hate this!

Original poster
Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 20:33

Thanks for all your comments.
I do feel as though he thinks looking after the kids is easy compared to his 'proper' job. He understands how difficult DS2 can be and tries to support with that but has absolutely no empathy or understanding about how time consuming and emotionally draining babies can be.
He is actually very helpful with DS2 but everything has to be on his terms.
He also doesn't seem to care about me or whether I am OK or need a break. He's never looked after the baby for example, he hasn't left my side since he was born.
He finds his job stressful and seems to want me to quietly and perfectly run everything in the background and can't deal with it when that doesn't happen.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2022 20:34

He also doesn't seem to care about me or whether I am OK or need a break.

You need to challenge this. Immediately. He won't ever have to empathise if he never has to do it.

Clymene · 07/02/2022 20:36

Has he ever looked after the children on his own?

Chickenpoxtwins · 07/02/2022 20:37

You were in a and e with your sick baby and he had a go at you because the house is mess? The lazy arsehole can get up and tidy the house for the rest of the month for that.

stuntbubbles · 07/02/2022 20:37

He finds his job stressful and seems to want me to quietly and perfectly run everything in the background
Lovely, I’d like one of those too – he needs to pay for a cleaner, nanny, housekeeper and cook, though, not expect his wife to be that person

and can't deal with it when that doesn't happen.
He can, he just doesn’t want to.

Has he always been such an inflexible wanker?

gingerbiscuits · 07/02/2022 20:39

@JustBlethering

He sounds like a cunt. His baby was in A&E last night and he's bothered by the messy house?
This!⬆️
Ionlydomassiveones · 07/02/2022 20:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 20:41

@Clymene the eldest he has yes, but not the baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 20:43

I love these replies, they're making me laugh.
I did give as good as I got, we had a bit of a row which I feel bad for as the kids were within ear shot but I was so angry that he said that.
I think he feels stressed and out of control at work so tries to control his environment and its not OK.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread