To allow "chaos" for one day?

[Desperatelyseekingsanity247]

DS6months is unwell. Irritable, clingy and needs some extra attention. I also have DS2 who goes to nursery 3 days a week but not today. DH works from home and berated me for the "chaos" the house was in when he finished work. The house was untidy but both children were well looked after; fed, clean, been to the playground. No tantrums from DS2 that would have disturbed him working, but plenty of crying and whining from the baby all day. He didn't mention this however, he was only focused on the house.
The house was a mess because 1. Baby DS is really unsettled and needs constant attention so it's hard to do much and 2. Because I was in A&E with him last night so didn't get to tidy up and started today on the backfoot.
I told DH he could have helped by tidying last night but he said that's just an excuse, I need to get better control of the house. He did tidy up when he finished work while I was bathing DS6months.
AIBU that I prioritised my ill child and let the housework slip for a day? He's pretty hands on and helpful but very rigid in that he doesn't cope well when things deviate from the norm.

@AliceW89 no, the fees are split

This is insane. He's the sole earner, you provide him with free childcare and housework services, and you pay 50 50 for everything?? And then he gets angry when his free services are not provided up to his required standards?? This man is an absolute arse, I cannot believe anyone would treat their partner like this, or put up with it!

Oh my goodness. I hoped this thread ended with him apologising. Can’t you say from here on that when a service is free you don’t get to complain? If you wanted to actually support me to stay at home maybe youd get a say but while I watch MY savings disappear to care for OUR children I give no fucks what you think about the house?
Since he doesn’t pay more than 50/50 you are paying your own way from savings!! Whcih is an instant relationship ender in my eyes although I understand you’re waiting to get back to work and have things better set up. Sending hugs.

People who have never looked after young kids on their own for longer than half a day, two days a week seem to think it's so easy. Your partner is lucky to have you keeping the house in order. Time has come for disorder. You have set the standards too high. You have a young child who is going to start to crawl etc. Suddenly you don't have time to do this housework. Say to your partner, I'm not going to do any of this tidying as you don't appreciate it when I do it. There is nothing in for me.

What in the actual name of fuckityfeckfuck have I just read? Your husband is making you use your savings to pay your way in 50% of household costs???!!! Even though you gave up your job to look after the children that are 50% his? While he is presumably still paying into his savings? And never mind all the rest of it....

This is not even a man trapped in the 1950s, because at least then he would be paying your way.

What happens when your savings run out? Plus what are you going to fall back on if you ever (when you) need to leave? Go back to work ASAP.
This is not how marriage in the modern world works. I understand that not every couple operates on the principle of what's mine is yours, we don't either, but this set-up has just utterly gobsmacked me in so many ways.
I've never said LTB before but in this instance I'm going to firmly suggest you get all your ducks in a solid row. Starting immediately. You can do better OP, even being on your own would be better. Your husband has no concept if what a family unit is. But if he is already planning on leaving you, then there's no point in investing any energy in trying to get him to understand. Invest your energy on you and a happy future with your children instead.

That’s life with very young children. I have 3 young children and the house is always tidy ‘enough’ and clean ‘enough’ but nowhere near what is was like before children. Hence the reason I have wooden floors/Lino and secondhand furniture so I don’t worry everyday about the house being ‘spoilt’. I’ll have a spotless house when the children have grown up.

My exH was like this. One of the many reasons I divorced him!

[quote Desperatelyseekingsanity247]@TulipVictory He saves it! He doesn't expect our relationship to last so puts it away for when that day comes. He's told me as much.[/quote]
I’m sorry, WHAT?? Good grief, please escape this awful excuse of a man as soon as you’re able. In the meantime, stop paying for stuff out of your savings! I’ve never heard anything so insane

Tell him if he doesn't like the standard of your work, you'll issue him a full refund.

Ha - yeah he would have been handed his arse back to him. Prick.

I would tell him to go fuck himself.

Does he know how much savings you have ? Transfer it somewhere else and tell the asshole you have no more to pay. He can paying the bills himself like he should be doing in the first instance whilst you raise his children !

Just came on to say I’d start syphoning your savings elsewhere.
Protect yourself. He’s massively shifting the power balance here.
Is there anything you pay directly that you can cancel. I’d start building yourself a nest egg.
I went back when my first 2 were 9 months ish and they were fine. Have you considered a childminder to save money?

Good grief, I really hope this is a joke. What a wanker. I can’t believe that you’re letting him get away with this shit! I agree with others, if you’re going to stay even temporarily transfer all your savings to a new secret account and tell your useless tight partner that you’ve run out of money due to his tightness and he either has to pay for the nursery fees and an allowance for you, or you’ll be going back to work ASAP and he can take some paternity leave. If not you’ll be moving out and he can have 50% custody. But seriously I can’t believe that you’re letting him build up savings whilst you spend yours, you’re still paying nursery fees when you’re on maternity leave AND he’s moaning about the house! Stand up for yourself! This is not fair, nor is it ok!

@frazzledasarock

Yeah I’d have patioed DH if he ever mentioned the housework to me.

Tell your H he can take care of house cleaning as it upsets him so much whilst you deal with the kids, as they’re your priority.

If he’s WFH, he can do a quick tidy during his breaks and lunchtime. He should be perfectly able to keep a pristine house. If he reckons you should be able to with a toddler and very unwell child and sleep deprivation.

Patioed 😂😂😂😂😂😂

I have a 2.5 year old and 4 month old twins and had all three today for the first time from 8-6 (husband usually wfh) so it isn't that bad.

But today was insane. I managed to hang some washing but otherwise I couldn't tidy as the 2.5 year old decided no to nap. Basically I couldn't get anything done. Husband came home and said the house looked like a mess and looked like I had a busy day... then put the 2.5 year old to bed and poured me a gin and told me to go and relax whilst he tidied 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tel your husband to swap for one day.

Can I recommend this book to you. I loved it when I had very young DC and it can be really useful for partners to read too - 'What Mothers Do: especially when it looks like nothing' by Naomi Stadlen it absolutely hits the nail on the head about what an amazing job you're doing getting through the day with small children and the state of the house is so far down your list of priorities compared with sick children that only an idiot would think otherwise.

[quote Desperatelyseekingsanity247]@TulipVictory He saves it! He doesn't expect our relationship to last so puts it away for when that day comes. He's told me as much.[/quote]
I think you need to think very carefully about what you said here. Or rather, what he's said. This is someone with one foot already out the door.

If he's had this attitude since day one, he's never been fully committed to this relationship and you've built your house on shifting sands. If this is a 'new thing' then I'd be even more suspicious as to me it means he's just looking for an excuse to leave. His picking on you'is another symptom of this.

You need to try to save as much of your savings as you possibly can. And return to work ASAP, even if it does mean heavy nursery fees. This is NOT a man you can depend on.

Thank you for all the advice.
@XmasEveshopper thank you, I will take a look at this book.
@AcrossthePond55 what you said is spot on. He has one foot out the door and is waiting for an excuse to leave. It's a new situation, the last 6 months or so, coinciding with him starting a new job. Before that he was always a bit of a selfish prick but has taken it to a new level. WFH doesn't help.
Him having one foot out the door is another reason I don't want to leave myself. Why give him the satisfaction and be left to do all the hard work and pay all the bills myself. He can see an easier, less stressful, child free(ish) life within reach and I'm not enabling that until it suits me.

Screw who gets satisfaction for 10 mins. Do what's best for you and DC for the rest of your lives. Do you want DC growing up thinking this is how relationships operate?

A few months ago my littlest one was poorly and permanently attached to me all day, my DH was out at a gruelling sporting event all day. He came home, took one look around and told me to chill while he cleaned and tidied the whole house and ordered a takeaway. I'm not saying this to rub it in, but that's what a good partnership looks like!

Just wow. Sorry your husband is an arse.

@MrsTerryPratchett

He's not your manager. You're not his employee.

I've have told him to fuck off.

Me too.