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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow "chaos" for one day?

131 replies

Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 20:08

DS6months is unwell. Irritable, clingy and needs some extra attention. I also have DS2 who goes to nursery 3 days a week but not today. DH works from home and berated me for the "chaos" the house was in when he finished work. The house was untidy but both children were well looked after; fed, clean, been to the playground. No tantrums from DS2 that would have disturbed him working, but plenty of crying and whining from the baby all day. He didn't mention this however, he was only focused on the house.
The house was a mess because 1. Baby DS is really unsettled and needs constant attention so it's hard to do much and 2. Because I was in A&E with him last night so didn't get to tidy up and started today on the backfoot.
I told DH he could have helped by tidying last night but he said that's just an excuse, I need to get better control of the house. He did tidy up when he finished work while I was bathing DS6months.
AIBU that I prioritised my ill child and let the housework slip for a day? He's pretty hands on and helpful but very rigid in that he doesn't cope well when things deviate from the norm.

OP posts:
CarbonelCat · 07/02/2022 20:44

"Just an excuse" - this is a deeply unpleasant remark.

Why on earth would he think it's ok to speak to you in this way? His priorities are a shambles.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2022 20:45

@Desperatelyseekingsanity247

I love these replies, they're making me laugh. I did give as good as I got, we had a bit of a row which I feel bad for as the kids were within ear shot but I was so angry that he said that. I think he feels stressed and out of control at work so tries to control his environment and its not OK.
Mine feels the same.

You know what he does? He tidies up. He doesn't get the staff (me) to do it. Because I don't work for him.

MangshorJhol · 07/02/2022 20:46

What if you worked and he had to share childcare 50/50? As a working mother let me tell you my job is MUCH easier than a baby/toddler. DH who is a doctor working with homeless patients with addiction issues will say the same. We get to take a break, have a cup of tea.
He sounds like, as I said, he sees both you and your caring role as being lesser. He has no real respect for you or for what you do.

Original poster
Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 20:46

His attitude towards me has definitely changed since I gave up work after my first child. Prior to that I felt like he regarded us as equals more. I was earning more than him as well. Now I earn nothing I feel like he a) thinks he's better than me and b) is in a position of power because although I have savings, I have no income of my own.

OP posts:
DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 07/02/2022 20:47

Dear gods, I don't know where to start with this. He is completely out of order. You're the service human in his eyes. Keep the house to his standards woman or there'll be trouble!
Arsehole.

AliceW89 · 07/02/2022 20:48

I told DH he could have helped by tidying last night but he said that's just an excuse, I need to get better control of the house

What have I just read Confused you need to get in better control of the house? Is it not his house too? Are you his maid as opposed to his wife?

DDivaStar · 07/02/2022 20:48

He shouldn't be complaining, he should be asking if your OK and what he can do to help !

Bimblybomeyelash · 07/02/2022 20:49

Wanker.

Original poster
Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 20:49

@CarbonelCat yes, this remark I find so insulting, and it's his go-to phrase at the moment. It's not an excuse because, firstly, it's fact and secondly I am not justifying myself to him anyway!

OP posts:
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 07/02/2022 20:50

@Desperatelyseekingsanity247

His attitude towards me has definitely changed since I gave up work after my first child. Prior to that I felt like he regarded us as equals more. I was earning more than him as well. Now I earn nothing I feel like he a) thinks he's better than me and b) is in a position of power because although I have savings, I have no income of my own.
With this in mind, as soon as you can l think you should get back into work. My dh has a bit of an undertone sometimes because he works more days than me but he will happily cook a meal or do some housework .
Takenoprisoner · 07/02/2022 20:52

Op, why are you speaking of him in terms of helping out? You say, he is helpful with the dc or he could have helped out with the cleaning. He shouldn't be helping you, he needs to pull his weight, clean his shitty house if the mess bothers him, and parent his own kids. I'm annoyed on your behalf.

newbiename · 07/02/2022 20:52

Cheeky bastard. I'd have left HIS kids with him and gone out.

Original poster
Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 20:52

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin yes, I'm definitely going to return to work ASAP.

OP posts:
Clymene · 07/02/2022 20:53

@Desperatelyseekingsanity247

His attitude towards me has definitely changed since I gave up work after my first child. Prior to that I felt like he regarded us as equals more. I was earning more than him as well. Now I earn nothing I feel like he a) thinks he's better than me and b) is in a position of power because although I have savings, I have no income of my own.
There you go. He values you based on earning. Now you're not earning, he sees you as an overhead. He's paying for a service (childcare, cleaning, home management) and you're not delivering.

He's forgotten you're his wife and is treating you as his employee. I would go out for the day on Saturday. Leave him with the children.

How much free time does he get vs you?

busyeatingbiscuits · 07/02/2022 20:54

@Desperatelyseekingsanity247

His attitude towards me has definitely changed since I gave up work after my first child. Prior to that I felt like he regarded us as equals more. I was earning more than him as well. Now I earn nothing I feel like he a) thinks he's better than me and b) is in a position of power because although I have savings, I have no income of my own.
Do you have equal access to all the family money though? The same spending money as he has?
amoobaa · 07/02/2022 20:55

Oh my absolute fucking bloody god almighty.

Blessed be the fucking fruit.

I am completely incensed on your behalf.

As someone else already mentioned, he owed you a huge thank you and a medal made out of chocolate and wine… not a moan about the house work… which HE should have done.

It’s the bloody LEAST he could do.

You definitely ought to have a conversation with him about sharing household chores.

Has he ever had sole charge of the kids for any significant length of time?

I feel like I’m responding to a post from Gilead.

Sending you strength, sanity and hugs.

May the lord open his teeny tiny mind.

Original poster
Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 20:55

@Takenoprisoner I guess because he works full time and I'm a SAHM.

OP posts:
BABAHOTEL · 07/02/2022 20:56

Oh tell him to fuck off, or use his lunch break to sort it!

Sideswiped · 07/02/2022 20:58

OP, YANBU.
@EmmaGracemum, the 1950s are calling, and want you back... perhaps you could give OP helpful advice on being perfectly polished and welcoming when her husband decides to grace her with his presence too? Hmm

AliceW89 · 07/02/2022 20:58

[quote Desperatelyseekingsanity247]@Takenoprisoner I guess because he works full time and I'm a SAHM.[/quote]
A lot would argue that being a SAHP to two children is a lot harder work than being employed full time. I am unashamedly one of those people despite having both a physically and mentally tough job (LTFT) - the days I’m home with DC are far harder and hence housework is split 50:50 despite my DH working more hours.

Original poster
Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 20:59

@clymene I get no free time, he gets at least half a day either Saturday or Sunday, sometimes both.
I have started to ask him to take them both but something always 'comes up'. I could do with some free time but I find giving him free time and keeping him happy makes my life less stressful so I never push it. We aren't on great terms generally since the both of DS6 months so I don't want to rock the boat too much. I'm just biding my time to some extent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 21:05

@busyeatingbiscuits we both contribute 50/50 to outgoings. I don't earn but I have savings from my previous job so use them. He doesn't think he should pay more than half if I have savings that can be used.

OP posts:
RonCarlos · 07/02/2022 21:06

YANBU OP. Your DH's attitude is the problem here.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2022 21:06

we both contribute 50/50 to outgoings

LTB. But you know that, right?

Pippielk · 07/02/2022 21:10

Are you married? If not I’d not be ok with using my savings to contribute 50/50 to household income. You gave up work to look after HIS children and he demands you to pay your own way. Absolute disgusting behaviour on his part.
I’d also be ensuring he’s left with both kids for a few hours ASAP - he needs a big reality check.

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