To allow "chaos" for one day?

[Desperatelyseekingsanity247]

DS6months is unwell. Irritable, clingy and needs some extra attention. I also have DS2 who goes to nursery 3 days a week but not today. DH works from home and berated me for the "chaos" the house was in when he finished work. The house was untidy but both children were well looked after; fed, clean, been to the playground. No tantrums from DS2 that would have disturbed him working, but plenty of crying and whining from the baby all day. He didn't mention this however, he was only focused on the house.
The house was a mess because 1. Baby DS is really unsettled and needs constant attention so it's hard to do much and 2. Because I was in A&E with him last night so didn't get to tidy up and started today on the backfoot.
I told DH he could have helped by tidying last night but he said that's just an excuse, I need to get better control of the house. He did tidy up when he finished work while I was bathing DS6months.
AIBU that I prioritised my ill child and let the housework slip for a day? He's pretty hands on and helpful but very rigid in that he doesn't cope well when things deviate from the norm.

@MrsTerryPratchett yes I do. Just biding my time.

I'm a sahm to 3 school going children and on occassion my DH comes home to chaos(1 of my children has special needs so sleep can be erratic. If he has a bad nights sleep I'll often go back to bed while kids at school). DH might comment on the mess, in a those pesky kids kind of way, but in a million years he wouldn't suggest that I should do a better job of keeping the place tidy. Maybe he thinks it in head(I don't think so but you never know) but he knows better than to say anything.

He sounds like a monumental arsehole.

His money should be family money .You are contributing to the household by doing most of the childcare and by the sounds of it most of the housework.

And you are entitled to free time just as much as he is. Tell him this is not the 1950s and he needs to share in the parenting of his children too.

[quote Desperatelyseekingsanity247]@MrsTerryPratchett yes I do. Just biding my time.[/quote]
Don’t bide it too long, while your savings are dwindling away, especially while you currently don’t have a job. Does he have savings on top of household expenditure?

My dh says your dh is a bellend.

[quote Desperatelyseekingsanity247]@MrsTerryPratchett yes I do. Just biding my time.[/quote]
Right. I think that's entirely the right decision. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt (ish) but he's clearly a complete knob. I'm so sorry.

@Desperatelyseekingsanity247

Thanks for all your comments. I do feel as though he thinks looking after the kids is easy compared to his 'proper' job. He understands how difficult DS2 can be and tries to support with that but has absolutely no empathy or understanding about how time consuming and emotionally draining babies can be. He is actually very helpful with DS2 but everything has to be on his terms. He also doesn't seem to care about me or whether I am OK or need a break. He's never looked after the baby for example, he hasn't left my side since he was born. He finds his job stressful and seems to want me to quietly and perfectly run everything in the background and can't deal with it when that doesn't happen.

Leave him for a weekend and see how the house looks on Sunday night.

[quote Desperatelyseekingsanity247]@busyeatingbiscuits we both contribute 50/50 to outgoings. I don't earn but I have savings from my previous job so use them. He doesn't think he should pay more than half if I have savings that can be used.[/quote]
What on earth?

So he's not even financially providing really, he's not looking after his children, he's not helping around the house. He's not even nice to you.
What's the point of him?

I was going to say that doesn't sound like a partnership to me! My husband used to say 'you're not here to clean and tidy, you're looking after the baby'

He wouldn't necessarily clean and tidy loads either but he didn't expect me to do it and it got done eventually lol

You did well if you resisted the urge to tell him to go fuck himself.

I wouldn't be biding too long. Not while you're spending your savings.

@AliceW89 yes, he has savings as well, about a third of what I have. Although obviously mine are repaidly decreasing and his increasing.

@Theworldisfullofgs your DH is very astute!

Please stop using your savings to pay half the bills! I am astounded by this ! What happens with the other half of his wage then?

@MrsTerryPratchett true, but I can't feasibly return to work yet while DS6 months is so tiny, plus there are nursery fees for DS2 to pay. If I LTB now I'll have 2 sets of nursery fees. Best to wait until DS2 has some free hours or is at school I feel.

Why are you putting up with this?

@TulipVictory He saves it! He doesn't expect our relationship to last so puts it away for when that day comes. He's told me as much.

Does he think you’re the maid? No fucking male would be ‘berating’ me for anything domestic even if I’d spent the day watching tv and eating chocolates. Jeez I’m angry for you. Tell him to shove a broom up his arse and do it himself.

Yep. All of this. It’s his house, they are his children, if he wants it tidy, he know what to do. My husband wouldn’t even think it was a problem, let alone raise it with me.

@Queenoftheashes I figure that life will be harder, short term, on my own. I'm planning on leaving when I'm back in work and the children are a bit older (less nursery fees).

He's never looked after the baby for example, he hasn't left my side since he was born.

Here is your issue. He somehow thinks that looking after a baby plus toddler is EASY so you can also have a spotless house etc…

I’d leave with baby plus toddler for the weekend. Saying you need a break to recover from the sleepless nights/cranky baby and then leave him deal with BOTH of his dcs together.
See if he can keep the house spotless.

You need to leave as soon as possible, and stop contributing to his savings by depleting your own in the mean time. He's literally told you that he is deliberately taking from you because he doesn't think the relationship will last. Run for the hills! The longer you stay the less you will have saved.

If you're paying for all this and it's not going to last anyway, I'd start taking more advantage of him being in the house - start leaving him with the kids, stop doing housework for him.

I actually sound so tragic reading all this back. Thank you for your comments it has made me realise what needs to be done. I knew before, but have been trying to be positive about it all, plus I keep my mind busy with the kids. This has made given me some much needed perspective.

[quote Desperatelyseekingsanity247]@MrsTerryPratchett true, but I can't feasibly return to work yet while DS6 months is so tiny, plus there are nursery fees for DS2 to pay. If I LTB now I'll have 2 sets of nursery fees. Best to wait until DS2 has some free hours or is at school I feel.[/quote]
Please tell me you aren’t currently paying for DC1’s nursery fees on your own?

Can you not tell him he is a tool, the way things are done is not fair, and it needs to change?