Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow "chaos" for one day?

131 replies

Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 07/02/2022 20:08

DS6months is unwell. Irritable, clingy and needs some extra attention. I also have DS2 who goes to nursery 3 days a week but not today. DH works from home and berated me for the "chaos" the house was in when he finished work. The house was untidy but both children were well looked after; fed, clean, been to the playground. No tantrums from DS2 that would have disturbed him working, but plenty of crying and whining from the baby all day. He didn't mention this however, he was only focused on the house.
The house was a mess because 1. Baby DS is really unsettled and needs constant attention so it's hard to do much and 2. Because I was in A&E with him last night so didn't get to tidy up and started today on the backfoot.
I told DH he could have helped by tidying last night but he said that's just an excuse, I need to get better control of the house. He did tidy up when he finished work while I was bathing DS6months.
AIBU that I prioritised my ill child and let the housework slip for a day? He's pretty hands on and helpful but very rigid in that he doesn't cope well when things deviate from the norm.

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 08/02/2022 07:10

[quote Desperatelyseekingsanity247]@busyeatingbiscuits we both contribute 50/50 to outgoings. I don't earn but I have savings from my previous job so use them. He doesn't think he should pay more than half if I have savings that can be used.[/quote]
Fucking hell. I thought he was a dick, and then I read this bit. What an absolute shitbag he is! My exH was an abusive asshole, but even he knew that he needed to pay the bills when I was the SAHP. (pitiful food/house budget, and him pocketing the rest, but he paid the bills)

OP, I would get some legal advice with a view to getting divorced. If you are paying 50/50 now, it might be expected that you have to continue to do so while splitting. If you can, start getting copies of paperwork. I very much doubt that he'd be happy to share "his" savings with you when you divorce.

I would also refuse to do any chores for your 'D'H. He doesn't get the benefit of a shared household without putting anything in to it. Spend any time saved on looking after yourself.

suchabitch · 08/02/2022 07:14

@busyeatingbiscuits we both contribute 50/50 to outgoings. I don't earn but I have savings from my previous job so use them. He doesn't think he should pay more than half if I have savings that can be used.

Omg, he’s got you right where he wants you hasn’t he? Sorry he’s such a prick OP. Yes of course look at your options for getting back to work ASAP x

mellongoose · 08/02/2022 07:22

You're basically paying him for the pleasure of raising his children and keeping his house.

Please protect the savings you have left and leave as soon as you can. It really will be better in the long term.

NoSquirrels · 08/02/2022 07:26

[quote Desperatelyseekingsanity247]@busyeatingbiscuits we both contribute 50/50 to outgoings. I don't earn but I have savings from my previous job so use them. He doesn't think he should pay more than half if I have savings that can be used.[/quote]
WHAT?

Bill him for childcare then.

Fucking prick.

Itsnotdeep · 08/02/2022 07:30

Can you go and see a solicitor now? Don't wait until you have no savings left! It's really wrong that you are depleting your savings now while you are on mat leave and he's building his up.

Go and see a solicitor - I think your H is in for a shock about what he'll have to do if you leave - pay CM to you and look after his own children!

Juniper68 · 08/02/2022 07:37

I hope you find a way to escape soon? Is there anyone you could move in with?
What an awful situation for you Sad

StewPots · 08/02/2022 07:39

Oh OP what a shitty situation for you :(
He is an absolute prick and I’d echo what PPs have said regarding legal advice… do it TODAY. Don’t use up any more of your savings and start thinking about life post “D”H.

I had to give up work because of my health condition but DP pays our rent etc and I stay home and do the housework…BUT if I’m having a bad flare day he picks up the slack. Which is how it should be and he doesn’t make me feel bad or unequal. This sorry state of an arsehole you are sadly married to clearly has no empathy or realises how hard having two under 5s actually is.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation - sort that legal advice out and leave this pathetic wanker. You will be so much happier. It’s hard, especially the first few months, but if he does fuck all anyway it won’t seem that different. You will get your own routine going.

I’ve been a single parent most of my life, but you can do it and it’s actually a relief sometimes because you no longer have to worry about some prick critiquing you anymore. That mental energy goes on raising children, not to some overgrown, ridiculous arsehole.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs and also fury in that prick’s direction on your behalf.

ThePennyJustDropped · 08/02/2022 07:52

I hate reading this same story over and over of a woman being treated like dirt by a man. It's always a man. Never a lesbian couple where one woman fucks the other over with this financial abuse and treats them like an unpaid slave to the house and kids. Why do some men end up this way? Why is is so depressingly common?

To you specifically OP, I'm just glad you're strong, can see him for what he is and are making your plans. Best of luck to you and your DC. You're going to be brilliant.

mogschristmascalamity · 08/02/2022 08:11

He is a monumental arsehole.

Get back to work ASAP. Work at a loss if needs be, i did for two years.

Your job is looking after the children so housework is 50/50. You each get half a day at the weekend without kids to do what you want. DO NOT use any more of your savings. Tighten belts if need be.

Littlegoth · 08/02/2022 08:16

My child was also in A&E this week, and I had no sleep when we got home either. My other half did everything else so I could look after the baby. The house is a mess but it’s not our priority. If I’d been berated on top of that, I think I’d have probably gone on strike for the next week. You are their mum, not his mum. Next time he can take the day off with the baby and let you catch up on sleep.

Porcupineintherough · 08/02/2022 08:18

In all seriousness, tell him to go fuck himself. Arsehole!

FrecklesMalone · 08/02/2022 08:25

It's going to be great when you have every other weekend to yourself and not have a dickhead to do more work for. I have seen so many friends go through this sort of shit and 99.9% are happier after a year of being single.

TeenTitan007 · 08/02/2022 08:48

If you are going 50-50 (which is in no way acceptable) I'd get a nanny to take care of both kids and return to work ASAP (preferably wfh). This makes your DH pay for childcare (for both kids) while you start earning money.

You do see that in the current scenario you are not earning plus providing him free childcare. He's not worth it!

Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 09:00

This thread has really upset me. Please take the advice of other people who have commented. Don't pay into any joint pot of money anymore. He can't force you to anyways as your accounts will be in your name. Even better if any of the utilities etc are solely in his name!!!

northernsquirrel · 08/02/2022 09:08

@frazzledasarock

Yeah I’d have patioed DH if he ever mentioned the housework to me.

Tell your H he can take care of house cleaning as it upsets him so much whilst you deal with the kids, as they’re your priority.

If he’s WFH, he can do a quick tidy during his breaks and lunchtime. He should be perfectly able to keep a pristine house. If he reckons you should be able to with a toddler and very unwell child and sleep deprivation.

Patioed 😆
lordloveadog · 08/02/2022 09:53

Wait what, you're using up your savings to provide this man with free childcare and a tidy house?

Takenoprisoner · 08/02/2022 10:22

@TeenTitan007

If you are going 50-50 (which is in no way acceptable) I'd get a nanny to take care of both kids and return to work ASAP (preferably wfh). This makes your DH pay for childcare (for both kids) while you start earning money.

You do see that in the current scenario you are not earning plus providing him free childcare. He's not worth it!

Not only that, @Desperatelyseekingsanity247, you're eating into your savings to do all this, while his savings grow.
NotTheMrMenAgain · 08/02/2022 10:39

Bloody hell OP, what the actual fuck have I just read?! Is this truthfully how your life genuinely is?
You need to leave this man ASAP. Not when the DC have started school/nursery, you need to start making plans and taking action NOW.

Your husband is an utter wanker. Sounds like he's basically told you to your face that he's planning to leave when he gets the chance, so you're nothing more to him than a domestic appliance, caring for his DC and looking after the house AND USING YOUR OWN SAVINGS FOR THE PLEASURE OF DOING SO! You are worth so, so, so much more than this pitiful excuse for a marriage.

My ex husband turned out to be a lying, cheating, spineless, duplicitous weasel of a man - but he would never have dared to murmur a word about the state of the house and he always covered all household bills as he earned significantly more than me.

You aren't a team with this man - he's using you and you're fully aware of it. I promise you that staying in a marriage for any length of time where you're treated with contempt will totally do a number on your self esteem and ruin your confidence and sense of self - I've been there. Staying there isn't worth any amount of money as you can't put a price on your own mental health and self worth.

Divorce this useless fuckwit while your DC are still so young that you being apart is all they've ever known/remember. I've seen through friends that this makes the situation easier and better for the DC as they grow up - it's all they've ever known so there's no anguish around the divorce or having two bedrooms in two different houses etc.

You sound like a sensible, strong woman with good earning potential so you'll thrive without him as a deadweight around your neck. Life after escaping a rotten marriage is so much better!

NotTheMrMenAgain · 08/02/2022 10:41

Also, when you split he can expect to have the DC alternate weekends and one night in the week, as a minimum (unless he's a deadbeat dad who'll just bugger off and not bother). So you'll get some time to yourself, which is also priceless.

Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 10:55

I would remind your husband it doesn't matter where the money is located. All of it is considered in a divorce. You can also prove how much money you saved the family by being off work etc. Also remind him any money anyone tried to hide from a court and found out has ended up worse off in a settlement. Maybe show him all of these comments. Maternity leave can be a very lonely and vulnerable time for whichever parent takes it. But it is a necessary time for most. My husband tried to tell me once that he earnt all the money during maternity leave. Let's just say it did not go down well.

Original poster
Desperatelyseekingsanity247 · 08/02/2022 10:56

You are all right.
He apologised this morning but in the usual "sorry but let's draw a line under it now" way that means he has no interest in discussing it and just wants to sweep it under the rug with minimum disruption.
I accepted the apology because I don't want a tense house but I am looking into getting back to work and planning my exit. In the meantime I'm going to insist he starts paying more towards the household so I don't use up my savings. Im not sure how well it will go down but I have to try.
I'm going to leave this thread now but I am very grateful for all of your advice. It has made me feel validated and given me strength.

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 10:58

Oh op, best wishes to you. You are very patient. I would have told your husband , I am going to decide when to drop the argument, not you!

Adatwistscientist · 08/02/2022 10:59

I wouldn't be doing any food shopping for him that's for sure

Good luck op!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/02/2022 11:45

@MrsTerryPratchett

we both contribute 50/50 to outgoings

LTB. But you know that, right?

I'd send him a bill for 50% of the FT nanny housekeeper effort. Jesus wept
D0lphine · 08/02/2022 12:35

@Desperatelyseekingsanity247

You are all right. He apologised this morning but in the usual "sorry but let's draw a line under it now" way that means he has no interest in discussing it and just wants to sweep it under the rug with minimum disruption. I accepted the apology because I don't want a tense house but I am looking into getting back to work and planning my exit. In the meantime I'm going to insist he starts paying more towards the household so I don't use up my savings. Im not sure how well it will go down but I have to try. I'm going to leave this thread now but I am very grateful for all of your advice. It has made me feel validated and given me strength.
Good for you!

100% think this is best for you long term.