To be hugely offended

[Queenie6655]

Hello

Prepared to be told off guys but really bloody peeved

So as talked about on other threads fleeing dv and ended up back with my parents for a while

Lovely house
Old
Warm
Needs some paint
Stairs are rickety
But otherwise absolutely fine

Anyway
Health visitor here earlier and she was so so rude about the stairs
Said they were unsightly and it was a concern to her !!!!

She knows my situation
Knows we are stuck for cash

I just burst into tears and she left shortly after

So annoyed now
Don't have the money to get a painter in but rest of house is 100 per cent fine
Warm and safe !!!!!

@Lorieandrews

I had the most awful HV. Weirdly was talking about her just a few hours ago....

Anyway. I remember she was so fucking cruel. I had to take my child to be weighed every 2 weeks or she would tell me she’d report me.

It ended when my amazing paediatrician rang her and told her to stop telling such incorrect information. My pead said most HV don’t know left from right. Most don’t have children and most don’t have knowledge of anything baby related. She was harsh. But I’d lived on a knife edge for months and I’d just broken down to her.

Most don’t have children

How could he know that?!

This thread is really nasty.

What is it with health visitors?! Do they employ arseholes on purpose! I'd put a complaint in personaly

This is the definition of rocketry:

(of a structure or piece of equipment) poorly made and likely to collapse.

So do they just need paint or are they unsafe?

Mine were lovely. Really validated my decision to leave x. He was taking his anger, low self-esteem and inadequacies out on me. I was getting to the point where I was scared to be on my own with him and I felt more scared with a toddler and a newborn. I felt a fool that Id got in to the situation. Well, my hv and the ones at the gp clinic showed me so much kindness and understanding. Many know what to say to a woman leaving an abusive situation.

I know that wasnt yr experience op. Im so sorry. I also lived with my parents when i escaped. You're amazing that you got away with such a young baby. I admire your strength and decisiveness. Xx

Well, dc2 was not a newborn when i left. He had turned one. It took me a long time to process that there was only one option.

OP I'm sorry she made you feel like crap you've clearly done so well to get yourself and kids to safety and should be praised.

In future if faced with shitty comments like that (if you're able to hold it together!) I would ask for specifics : "oh is there something you think is dangerous?" That way you can pin down the fact that she's commenting on aesthetics and either a) raise an eyebrow, b) point out that's really not relevant or c) make a complaint if you want to.

On the bigger question of HVs, many of them are hugely dedicated, work tirelessly and with little reward in a high stress environment with massive caseloads. But yes there will be some who are just not very good. A big part of the problem now is funding - funding has been slashed and so they are more stressed, stretched dangerously thin and given less training. Many good HVs are leaving the profession and will be replaced by less able junior staff - if replaced at all.

If we want better HV provision we need to demand more investment in ante natal and post natal care - look at who you're voting for and what their record is (hint: massive cuts in the last decade have happened under the same party).

On the bigger question of HVs, many of them are hugely dedicated, work tirelessly and with little reward in a high stress environment with massive caseloads. But yes there will be some who are just not very good. A big part of the problem now is funding - funding has been slashed and so they are more stressed, stretched dangerously thin and given less training. Many good HVs are leaving the profession and will be replaced by less able junior staff - if replaced at all.

This is so true.

Just to mention that as HVs have direct contact with families with small children, they are well placed to pick up on any difficulties some parents face. I would urge posters to consider this, especially the child protection issues. There have recently been some horrific cases of child abuse, so perhaps we should encourage families to engage with services rather than the opposite.

It’s not just about less able, it’s about not being a judgemental presence in the home of a new parent at their most vulnerable.

It doesn’t take a genius or highly trained professional to understand tidying up would come pretty far down the list.

Ok, having a look, maybe this is about your older daughter more than your 3mo, although if its just that the stairs aren't well painted, I cant see why that matters.

I don't get the feeling we have the full story here. You have repeatedly mentioned your 3wo, but not your 4yo, and whilst I am delighted you managed to get away from your abuser, your posts very much implies that this house is where youve escaped to, not a place you are living in 4 years later. It makes me wonder whether theres anything else about the setup of these stairs that you haven't mentioned, which are the root of the hv remarks.

@PissedOffNeighbour22

Don't let her back in. We moved to an old house and it's in need of renovation. I feel like I have to explain myself everytime a health visitor or midwife comes as to why it's in a state (not just rickety, there's still stuff everywhere since we moved in and it's awful). They honestly don't seem to care and tell me not to worry. I'd be gutted if they made nasty comments. It's not helpful to you OP so just ask them to leave and decline any further visits.

Very true

Sorry when I say rickety meant old, flakey paint needs TLC
Not falling down

She commented on appearance

No time spent praising how far we came
Baby is doing so well

She asks all the time if baby is anxious ffs

She's an idiot

I'm going to bite my tongue
One more visit and that's it

I think much of the problem is that the HV is imposed. When I had my first more than 27 years ago, I had carefully researched the GP I registered with, the maternity unit I chose for the birth (could have chosen: St George's, Queen Mary's, Chelsea &Westminster or Kingston), but the HV was just a random who turned up when the baby was 10 days old. No introduction, no choice, etc. Never in a million years would I have chosen a 23 year old as a 35 year old ftm.

As been said numerous times op you dont have to have her back at all-just cancel the appt

@Migrainesbythedozen

I don't know why you people there in the UK put up with this (in Australia we don't have health visitors, here it is GP or women's clinics or one off home visitors if there is a housing check up requirement). It sounds so intrusive. I understand it's not compulsory? So, in that case, she sounds like a nasty judgemental bitch that does nothing but feel worse, so in that case just tell her you no longer require a health visitor. I could never live like that with someone 'checking up on me' - and thats what it is, when it's not required and they only make you feel worse, not better. Terminate her. You need her like a hole in the head.

Shaming me

And yes those words so true 'intrusive'

I'm bloody trying my best yoh judgmental wagon 😢😢😢😢😢😢

I had a health visitor tell me that SHE had to think of what was best for my baby, when I wanted to persevere with breastfeeding and didn’t want to supplement with formula (past experience told me this would spell the end of breastfeeding). I asked her how she dared suggest she cared more for my baby’s well being than I did, and told her to get out of my house.

@Migrainesbythedozen

I don't know why you people there in the UK put up with this (in Australia we don't have health visitors, here it is GP or women's clinics or one off home visitors if there is a housing check up requirement). It sounds so intrusive. I understand it's not compulsory? So, in that case, she sounds like a nasty judgemental bitch that does nothing but feel worse, so in that case just tell her you no longer require a health visitor. I could never live like that with someone 'checking up on me' - and thats what it is, when it's not required and they only make you feel worse, not better. Terminate her. You need her like a hole in the head.

I agree. The whole thing seems very strange to me too, having had my children in the US. I can't imagine a health care professional coming to my house to check up on me!

Again Mumsnetters are encouraging parents to refuse the services of the health visiting service. This, despite a health visitor usually being the only health professional parents may see when their children are young. Health visitors are trained in child protection issues so could be the only professional to see a child, if their parents are struggling.

Safeguarding children is paramount, as recent cases of horrific child abuse and deaths show.

You might not need or want a HV but how would you feel if your post encouraged someone to refuse services when they were struggling and their child was at risk of abuse? Whenever there's a case of child abuse the first thing everyone wants to know is; where were the professionals?

Not all HVs are rubbish, although reading the threads on Mumsnet you would think they are. All HVs are fully qualified Registered Nurses and or Midwives, who have gone on to do extra training.

The HVs of today are educated to degree level and have completed training in child growth and development, breastfeeding, child nutrition, sleep, toilet training, childhood diseases, immunisation, maternal mental health, safeguarding, issues surrounding drug and alcohol misuse, domestic violence and living with deprivation. They run child health clinics and most are now nurse prescribers.

Please don't let your poor experience of a HV discourage others from using a service that may actually save a child's life, or at least give support where it's needed. You might be doing just fine without the service but what about the child who is being tortured or murdered?

@Huntswomanonthemove

Again Mumsnetters are encouraging parents to refuse the services of the health visiting service. This, despite a health visitor usually being the only health professional parents may see when their children are young. Health visitors are trained in child protection issues so could be the only professional to see a child, if their parents are struggling.

Safeguarding children is paramount, as recent cases of horrific child abuse and deaths show.

You might not need or want a HV but how would you feel if your post encouraged someone to refuse services when they were struggling and their child was at risk of abuse? Whenever there's a case of child abuse the first thing everyone wants to know is; where were the professionals?

Not all HVs are rubbish, although reading the threads on Mumsnet you would think they are. All HVs are fully qualified Registered Nurses and or Midwives, who have gone on to do extra training.

The HVs of today are educated to degree level and have completed training in child growth and development, breastfeeding, child nutrition, sleep, toilet training, childhood diseases, immunisation, maternal mental health, safeguarding, issues surrounding drug and alcohol misuse, domestic violence and living with deprivation. They run child health clinics and most are now nurse prescribers.

Please don't let your poor experience of a HV discourage others from using a service that may actually save a child's life, or at least give support where it's needed. You might be doing just fine without the service but what about the child who is being tortured or murdered?

This, despite a health visitor usually being the only health professional parents may see when their children are young.

Is this serious? Are you genuinely saying a mother would never take her baby to the GP for a checkup, not get it's vaccinations, etc? A mother will see plenty of health professionals in the first year. She has absolutely no need, whatsoever, for someone coming to her home to check up on her! None whatsoever!

They run child health clinics

And the mother can GO to one of those child health clinics, when she needs to!

Please don't let your poor experience of a HV discourage others from using a service that may actually save a child's life, or at least give support where it's needed. You might be doing just fine without the service but what about the child who is being tortured or murdered?

Those people will already be refusing to see the HV and anyone else in a professional capacity.

Quite a lot of the posts about the behaviour of HVs on here could be the catalyst for PND or OCD or any number of other MH issues because of the vulnerability of being a new mum and the stupidity of some HVs and their ridiculous opinions.

I once had a health visitor tell me I needed to stop breast feeding at a year. Apparently it's not good for the baby . That was 2019.

Is this serious? Are you genuinely saying a mother would never take her baby to the GP for a checkup, not get it's vaccinations, etc? A mother will see plenty of health professionals in the first year. She has absolutely no need, whatsoever, for someone coming to her home to check up on her! None whatsoever!

Yes serious. In the shiny shiny world of Mumsnet, everyone is a caring parent who regularly sees a GP, get a child vaccinated and attends all health appointments.

One example that comes straight to my mind, is the mother who refused to take her child for a hearing test, despite the child having no speech at all at age two. I was desperately concerned about this child but the mother wasn't.

@Huntswomanonthemove

Is this serious? Are you genuinely saying a mother would never take her baby to the GP for a checkup, not get it's vaccinations, etc? A mother will see plenty of health professionals in the first year. She has absolutely no need, whatsoever, for someone coming to her home to check up on her! None whatsoever!

Yes serious. In the shiny shiny world of Mumsnet, everyone is a caring parent who regularly sees a GP, get a child vaccinated and attends all health appointments.

One example that comes straight to my mind, is the mother who refused to take her child for a hearing test, despite the child having no speech at all at age two. I was desperately concerned about this child but the mother wasn't.

@Huntswomanonthemove

Most parents do, so your point is irrelevant.

That mother wouldn't do anything the Health Visitor suggested anyway, so again, your point is irrelevant.

Neither of them is a justification for a 25 year old intruding into a 33 year old mum's home (as in a PP above) and judging things like stairs or gait or speech or telling them it's 'bad for the baby' to breastfeed past a year. Read the thread. HV's seem to be a bunch of very dangerous quacks with no experience or training. I wouldn't let a HV look over my cat for 30 seconds. Then again, I only would have actual trained medical professionals - ie a GP, look at my baby. I'm responsible. I certainly wouldn't have some silly kid intrude into my home and life when she knows less than me.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I had a health visitor tell me that SHE had to think of what was best for my baby, when I wanted to persevere with breastfeeding and didn’t want to supplement with formula (past experience told me this would spell the end of breastfeeding). I asked her how she dared suggest she cared more for my baby’s well being than I did, and told her to get out of my house.

See this infuriated me to read this Many do not do this

But some are so out of order

I was shamed

Most parents do, so your point is irrelevant.

That mother wouldn't do anything the Health Visitor suggested anyway, so again, your point is irrelevant.

Most parents have no clue what goes on in the land of child protection and safeguarding. Unfortunately child neglect and abuse is much more common than most parents would think.

The parent who refused to take her child for a hearing test, was referred to a child protection social worker. Subsequently, the child was taken for a test and was found to have hearing problems. She was fitted with hearing aids and was referred to a speech therapist. All this happened because a HV visited the family and picked this up.

@Huntswomanonthemove

Most parents do, so your point is irrelevant.

That mother wouldn't do anything the Health Visitor suggested anyway, so again, your point is irrelevant.

Most parents have no clue what goes on in the land of child protection and safeguarding. Unfortunately child neglect and abuse is much more common than most parents would think.

The parent who refused to take her child for a hearing test, was referred to a child protection social worker. Subsequently, the child was taken for a test and was found to have hearing problems. She was fitted with hearing aids and was referred to a speech therapist. All this happened because a HV visited the family and picked this up.

@Huntswomanonthemove

have no clue what goes on in the land of child protection and safeguarding. Unfortunately child neglect and abuse is much more common than most parents would think.

Which is exactly why actual professionals like a GP exists. Nothing is solved by a stranger who barely finished High School intruding into your home to judge you.

The parent who refused to take her child for a hearing test, was referred to a child protection social worker. Subsequently, the child was taken for a test and was found to have hearing problems. She was fitted with hearing aids and was referred to a speech therapist. All this happened because a HV visited the family and picked this up.

Yet a nursery school, child care staff etc would have eventually found this and a child protection social worker would have still been called. Same result. HV not needed and simply superfluous. Basically you are suggesting, by your reasoning, ANY stranger can come to your house, even a neighbour, and report the child.

Same result. Clearly a HV stalker/intruder is not needed.

And you've failed to make any reason substantial or tangible argument for why someone should be forced upon vulnerable new mothers when 99% of mothers automatically go to the GP anyway. Nothing you have said has even slightly justified forcing an ill-trained quack (basically stranger off the street) to stalk/intrude on a vulnerable new mum. They are not professionals. Going to see a GP (or birthing/baby clinic) is the only responsible thing to do. And funnily enough, 99% of mothers in countries all around the world manage this without any problems.