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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hugely offended

232 replies

Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 17:47

Hello

Prepared to be told off guys but really bloody peeved

So as talked about on other threads fleeing dv and ended up back with my parents for a while

Lovely house
Old
Warm
Needs some paint
Stairs are rickety
But otherwise absolutely fine

Anyway
Health visitor here earlier and she was so so rude about the stairs
Said they were unsightly and it was a concern to her !!!!

She knows my situation
Knows we are stuck for cash

I just burst into tears and she left shortly after

So annoyed now
Don't have the money to get a painter in but rest of house is 100 per cent fine
Warm and safe !!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 22:49

@Singlebutmarried

Sheesh

Mine was invited to leave

Among her gems were

Ooh you need to get rid of you dogs, they’re dangerous (two drooling eejits)

Your husband beats your doesn’t he?

Wake the baby every four hours to feed or they might die.

She never did come back.

Flip sake

I hate that

Mine asked if I needed literature on how to keep baby safe around dogs

My dogs are farm dogs
Live in the shed
She saw that

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 07/02/2022 22:51

How can a three week old baby be anxious? Wtf?

Seriously do you need training to be a health visitor I thought they were trained nurses

rooarsome · 07/02/2022 22:54

Speaking as a health visitor trainee and an experienced healthcare professional (and I do feel I have empathy, thanks to all the posters who have pointed out that HVs don't), my only concern would be if the stairs were an obvious hazard- if you feel that the comment was unfair (which it certainly seems to be from your account), I would log this with the HV team leader.
I'd be much more concerned about helping a mother and infant who had left a DV situation.

whistleryukon · 07/02/2022 22:57

@eatyourcrustspls

For gods sake, no it doesn't. Stop being so defensive, its not like I said that you personally made this comment. My job in child protection, although not precluding me from being abusive, should suggest to a health visitor that I probably have at least a basic understanding of why babies shouldn't be shaken Hmm

It would be like saying to a policewoman 'you know that you shouldn't commit crimes around the baby'

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 22:58

@Theunamedcat

How can a three week old baby be anxious? Wtf?

Seriously do you need training to be a health visitor I thought they were trained nurses

See what I mean

She said it repeatedly and I started to think why am I making this baby anxious?? Ffs

OP posts:
ambushedbywine · 07/02/2022 23:01

Seems odd and unhelpful. Thankfully my health visitors never made any comment on my house (which which was very old and delapitdated!).

I don’t know why she said it, could be a human blip, foot in mouth kind of moment. But if it’s indicative of her general attitude then ask for a new one. They may or may not comply but worth a go.

headintheproverbial · 07/02/2022 23:03

Just ignore her. Half of these women are tyrants who get a kick out of putting the fear of god into women at a vulnerable time (ie having a baby, never mind added DV to boot). Ignore!!

justasking111 · 07/02/2022 23:08

First and second babies health visitor amazing. The third one was scruffy, unkempt, drank cups of tea and ate lots of biscuits. Waste of time

Norgie · 07/02/2022 23:32

I had a HV like her when I had my first born. She was in the house ten minutes before my DH frog marched her out again.
Tell her to take a hike op.
There's nothing wrong with your home as far as I can tell.
Enjoy your baby and forget about the idiot HV.

Merryoldgoat · 07/02/2022 23:46

And can I say to all the HV bashers - we aren't all shite, there are some of us who enjoy our jobs and feel we make a real difference. Please don't tar us all with the same brush.

The thing is that you don’t have long to build a rapport and you invariably meet people at a time of high stress and big upheaval. The service needs to be better. I have no doubt some are great but too many aren’t.

I have two children with autism and have had numerous contact with HV with DS1, less with DS2.

I’ve been told:

Baby is too big (wtf? He was 11lb, 60cm at birth - literally nothing I can do about that)
Baby feeds too much (but don’t let him get hungry - wtf?)
Toddler doesn’t show signs of autism (is autistic)
Baby has Sickle Cell Disease (he doesn’t - he has HbC trait)
Baby just has wind and it will settle and rash is unrelated (he’s lactose intolerant with absolutely classic symptoms)
Tidy up the house (days after being hospitalised post partum with a hypertensive crisis and recovering from a CS)

These are all different health visitors. I cannot believe this is chance. Training needs to be better across the board if there is to be any confidence in the service.

It’s not bashing HV to share sub standard experiences.

You need to be calling for better standards across the board. Being 1 good HV in a sea of sub-standard ones isn’t good enough.

Goldenbunny · 08/02/2022 00:07

I've had a few health visitors over the years with my dd I had 2 one was great the other was horrible and her advice was outdated.
With my son I had 2 health visitors again both was great in there own way if it wasn't for them my DS would never if got the help he needed.
This time I've one health visitor and she's lovely only recently become a health visitor so far she's been a great help.
If I was you I think I would still see them but only at clinic they could end up being helpful in your situation. I'd also ask for a different health visitor.

kittensinthekitchen · 08/02/2022 00:57

Slightly off topic, but you've mentioned an extra person that doesn't seem to be your parents? I.e. "our bedroom is downstairs", "WE are building a house soon"... You haven't got back with your ex have you? Or got into a new relationship? Does your health visitor know the full situation?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 08/02/2022 01:27

Mate the baby is 3 weeks old it won’t be going up the stairs for ages 😂

I only got a stair gate last week and my baby is 11 months old … I just closed the door up until now so she couldn’t go up.

Absolutely ridiculous thing to say -

My health visitor came once to my house and then I went to her at the health centre next time and that was it never contacted again.

When she came to my house we lived in the tiniest 1 bed flat - place was a mess and she didn’t even comment tbh 😂

Guess you just got a shit one

Goooglebox · 08/02/2022 02:54

Ask for a different one as you're considering making a complaint about her abrasive manner since it has reduced you to tears. I suspect you'll see someone different then.

Goooglebox · 08/02/2022 03:23

Yes also optional in Northern Ireland.

Goooglebox · 08/02/2022 03:24

I opted out after a certain point. There's just no need for it really, is there. If you're lucky and experienced.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 08/02/2022 03:58

@kittensinthekitchen

Slightly off topic, but you've mentioned an extra person that doesn't seem to be your parents? I.e. "our bedroom is downstairs", "WE are building a house soon"... You haven't got back with your ex have you? Or got into a new relationship? Does your health visitor know the full situation?
Ffs

We as in my immediate family

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 08/02/2022 04:07

My daughter and I

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 08/02/2022 04:22

@Norgie

I had a HV like her when I had my first born. She was in the house ten minutes before my DH frog marched her out again. Tell her to take a hike op. There's nothing wrong with your home as far as I can tell. Enjoy your baby and forget about the idiot HV.
See this is what I wanted to do

I wish I had

Thanks but no thanks
See yourself out please

OP posts:
howtoleaveit · 08/02/2022 05:00

She’s a twat and shouldn’t be in that job. I had one of these. She told me that giving my baby a bottle and not breastfeeding her would make her obese. There should be a way to complain about these people.

Migrainesbythedozen · 08/02/2022 05:30

I don't know why you people there in the UK put up with this (in Australia we don't have health visitors, here it is GP or women's clinics or one off home visitors if there is a housing check up requirement). It sounds so intrusive. I understand it's not compulsory? So, in that case, she sounds like a nasty judgemental bitch that does nothing but feel worse, so in that case just tell her you no longer require a health visitor. I could never live like that with someone 'checking up on me' - and thats what it is, when it's not required and they only make you feel worse, not better. Terminate her. You need her like a hole in the head.

Moonbabysmum · 08/02/2022 05:37

I'm a little bit confused where you mention your first health visitor who was great, but has since retired, but your baby is 3w old.

Is there an older child as well, which might explain concern about the stairs?

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 08/02/2022 05:40

Don't let her back in.
We moved to an old house and it's in need of renovation. I feel like I have to explain myself everytime a health visitor or midwife comes as to why it's in a state (not just rickety, there's still stuff everywhere since we moved in and it's awful).
They honestly don't seem to care and tell me not to worry. I'd be gutted if they made nasty comments. It's not helpful to you OP so just ask them to leave and decline any further visits.

MotherOfWhippets · 08/02/2022 05:53

You're doing really well and you've got yourself and child to a place of safety.

Vast majority of HVs I saw were idiots but I was too anxious at the time to tell them to do one. I completely would now.

I was in the same position - we were living in a relatives flat when I had DS and only had one bedroom. First visit she just went on and on about how he would need his own room when he was older. He was days old (and the funny thing is he's now 7 with a beautiful room of his own that he refuses to sleep in so is currently next to me still).

I had comments that his head was too big, he wasn't walking quick enough. It's like they HAVE to justify their job by finding SOMETHING to comment on every time they see you. So to be honest if the only thing she could find was your 'unsightly' staircase you must be doing ok.

phishy · 08/02/2022 06:16

@Kelly7889

Why is this "health visitor" even poking about in your personal and domestic life at all? Yet when I've been nursing a desperately person at home (more than once) and am desperate for help with catheters etc, they aren't fucking interested in coming out! Effing useless.
Health visitors are for mums with children between 0-5 years.

Maybe get a carer instead of calling HVs fucking useless.