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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hugely offended

232 replies

Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 17:47

Hello

Prepared to be told off guys but really bloody peeved

So as talked about on other threads fleeing dv and ended up back with my parents for a while

Lovely house
Old
Warm
Needs some paint
Stairs are rickety
But otherwise absolutely fine

Anyway
Health visitor here earlier and she was so so rude about the stairs
Said they were unsightly and it was a concern to her !!!!

She knows my situation
Knows we are stuck for cash

I just burst into tears and she left shortly after

So annoyed now
Don't have the money to get a painter in but rest of house is 100 per cent fine
Warm and safe !!!!!

OP posts:
phishy · 07/02/2022 19:34

If you used the word rickety then no wonder she was concerned. Rickety means likely to collapse!

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 19:39

@FM2013

I would tell her you'll attend one of the weekly health visitor clinics (if covid still allows them) at 6 and 8 weeks rather than letting her into your home again. Or you could just request a different hv. I barred mine from my house after she came in stinking of smoke to do my 1st baby's checks and just attended the weekly ones when needed. Next 3 babies I had a different hv who was possibly one one the loveliest women I've ever met. Most importantly don't let the cow make you feel bad about your home. Sounds like you've dealt with a lot and are doing well. Congratulations, hugs and most importantly enjoy your new baby.
Thanks for your kindness
OP posts:
MrsBaublesDylan · 07/02/2022 19:39

Fine to agree that op's HV was out of order and offer support, but it's not fair or kind to demonise an entire profession.

My HVs were generally alright and one really helped me out and I will always be grateful for her timely referral.

Huntswomanonthemove · 07/02/2022 19:41

Oh goody, another Health Visitor thread. Hmm

mummykel16 · 07/02/2022 19:42

@Queenie6655

Hello

Prepared to be told off guys but really bloody peeved

So as talked about on other threads fleeing dv and ended up back with my parents for a while

Lovely house
Old
Warm
Needs some paint
Stairs are rickety
But otherwise absolutely fine

Anyway
Health visitor here earlier and she was so so rude about the stairs
Said they were unsightly and it was a concern to her !!!!

She knows my situation
Knows we are stuck for cash

I just burst into tears and she left shortly after

So annoyed now
Don't have the money to get a painter in but rest of house is 100 per cent fine
Warm and safe !!!!!

I know this doesn't really help with the HV being a Pillock but many areas now have people who will do some decorating work for victims of DV, for free.
Bordois · 07/02/2022 19:46

If your baby is 3 weeks old then they're not going to be using the stairs anyway. Surely it would only become an issue when they started crawling?

Bunce1 · 07/02/2022 19:48

So sorry I misunderstood
Blush

Unsightly- what a load of crap from her! So unnecessary of her to even say. So JUDGEMENTAL.

However I think is this the hill to die on? Smile sweetly and nod. And inside you can say feck off you unsightly cow.

DrManhattan · 07/02/2022 19:48

@Lancrelady80
I just felt it was so off that she didn't even apologise. She was going through her script of questions robotically.

Kelly7889 · 07/02/2022 19:48

Why is this "health visitor" even poking about in your personal and domestic life at all? Yet when I've been nursing a desperately person at home (more than once) and am desperate for help with catheters etc, they aren't fucking interested in coming out! Effing useless.

cuno · 07/02/2022 19:51

That is so so rude. You've escaped DV and come so far, so what if the place isn't a showroom. And if you rent like me, your options are limited anyway.

I was homeless when pregnant and moved into a house just before baby was born. Previous tenants left the place looking a state, I was scrubbing and cleaning while in early labour ffs but the place still looked a disgrace when my daughter was born. Didn't help the previous tenant left behind furniture and all sorts. Stairs were steep and actually rickety. The living room (which you open the front door onto) was off bounds, all the previous tenants' furniture and rubbish was in there waiting for landlord to collect, the storage heater had fallen off the wall and exposed brickwork, all wallpaper stripped with mould on show etc. And my boxes were still around the house as I hadn't unpacked yet as had been too busy cleaning and then giving birth! Health visitor had to traipse through that and go up my rickety stairs to the bedroom, as we were living out of that until stuff was sorted. I was so embarrassed and so apologetic, and the health visitor couldn't give a toss! She said I had nothing to apologise for, these things happen and she can see baby is safe and warm with roof over her head, and that the house was clean regardless of the unavoidable mess, I had made the best of a shitty situation. It's a shame that your health visitor couldn't have the same common sense and decency.

Crimesean · 07/02/2022 19:51

Some HVs are terrible and massively overstep the boundaries of both their education and role. A friend, who's a consultant paediatrician, had one tell her to put her EBF 5-month-old baby on a diet Hmm

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 19:52

@MrsBaublesDylan

Fine to agree that op's HV was out of order and offer support, but it's not fair or kind to demonise an entire profession.

My HVs were generally alright and one really helped me out and I will always be grateful for her timely referral.

Last one was an actual angel

Helped me so so much

Sent her flowers and chocolates and wrote a long letter to her managers

Because she was meticulous when my ex tried to say I was abusing my child etc she pulled out her detailed records and was able to help me so so much

Will never forget her ever

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 07/02/2022 19:52

I complained about mine who told me to tidy up just after being discharged after a hypertensive crisis and recovering from a C-section with a newborn and autistic 5yo.

I’ve not yet met one who was in anyway helpful, useful or informed. A few were nice, most were full of their own self importance and we’re hugely patronising.

Ignore. Carry on. You don’t have to see her.

Lorieandrews · 07/02/2022 19:53

I had the most awful HV. Weirdly was talking about her just a few hours ago....

Anyway. I remember she was so fucking cruel. I had to take my child to be weighed every 2 weeks or she would tell me she’d report me.

It ended when my amazing paediatrician rang her and told her to stop telling such incorrect information. My pead said most HV don’t know left from right. Most don’t have children and most don’t have knowledge of anything baby related. She was harsh. But I’d lived on a knife edge for months and I’d just broken down to her.

Daphodils · 07/02/2022 19:56

Unsightly? What a lot of old bollocks. She's a health visitor, not a fucking interior designer.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 19:57

@Merryoldgoat

I complained about mine who told me to tidy up just after being discharged after a hypertensive crisis and recovering from a C-section with a newborn and autistic 5yo.

I’ve not yet met one who was in anyway helpful, useful or informed. A few were nice, most were full of their own self importance and we’re hugely patronising.

Ignore. Carry on. You don’t have to see her.

I is m so sorry

Poor you

See that shit needs to stop

I'm going to say this to her next visit

Also can I add my friend dd have all had amazing HV

And my last one was just phenomenal

But this shaming new vulnerable mums

No fcking way

OP posts:
Lifeisaminestrone · 07/02/2022 20:03

My midwife complained about me living in a 3 floor house. I never saw her again - but she was so rude. The house was a new build in good repair and a lovely safe location.

Why2why · 07/02/2022 20:04

OP, I can’t dismiss the HV’s concern and neither should you. Far too often we ignore these concerns to great regret when children are then hurt or even worse.

I find it hard to believe an HV was concerned about your staircase needing paint. That makes no sense. Please take a step back and consider what the issue is in the interest of your child.

TabithaTittlemouse · 07/02/2022 20:04

Next time just laugh and say ‘I’m sure you see much worse than stairs that need a lick of paint’.

Congratulations on your new baby! (And escaping dv! Go you!).

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 20:06

@Why2why

OP, I can’t dismiss the HV’s concern and neither should you. Far too often we ignore these concerns to great regret when children are then hurt or even worse.

I find it hard to believe an HV was concerned about your staircase needing paint. That makes no sense. Please take a step back and consider what the issue is in the interest of your child.

Seriously!!!!

She made a comment re their appearance

For no good reason
Stair gate on both ends
Our room downstairs

She is an idiot

And I'm glad I called her out

Years ago I would have stayed silent

She will hear about it next time she arrives too 😘😘😘😘

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 07/02/2022 20:06

Congratulations on your baby Flowers
Congratulations on having the courage to leave an abusive relationship Flowers
It's great you have supportive parents Flowers

I only had one hv. She was incompetent and rude. Sometimes I think they enjoy saying something negative. Mine looked round and said "it's very tidy and looked the room over with disdain"

There was a lot of other stuff and I did complain and kick them into touch. It was brilliant when I had my 2nd and had no hv visits.

However that was 27 years ago and I was in a very stable relationship and we wanted for nothing. No potential risks for them to pick at. In your shoes I might try and be the bigger person and nod and smile and let their nonsense wash right over your head.

Your parents must be so very proud of you. Good luck and I hope you are safe for the rest of your life.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 20:07

Safe warm house

No Dv
No drugs
No alcohol (I wish)
Rooms clean
Brand new baby clothes

Crib spot less
New car seat
Clean car
New pram

Baby is content

She should be noting the positives ??!!! No????

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 20:08

@RosesAndHellebores

Congratulations on your baby Flowers Congratulations on having the courage to leave an abusive relationship Flowers It's great you have supportive parents Flowers

I only had one hv. She was incompetent and rude. Sometimes I think they enjoy saying something negative. Mine looked round and said "it's very tidy and looked the room over with disdain"

There was a lot of other stuff and I did complain and kick them into touch. It was brilliant when I had my 2nd and had no hv visits.

However that was 27 years ago and I was in a very stable relationship and we wanted for nothing. No potential risks for them to pick at. In your shoes I might try and be the bigger person and nod and smile and let their nonsense wash right over your head.

Your parents must be so very proud of you. Good luck and I hope you are safe for the rest of your life.

Yes to the nodding and smiling part

I need to work on this

Not react maybe next time??

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 07/02/2022 20:08

Why have her back? It isn’t necessary and no, nobody will raise concerns if you tell her not to come back. Why tolerate the stress?

Merryoldgoat · 07/02/2022 20:09

I was also constantly told off because my baby was too big. I never took the second one to be weighed once. I just couldn’t be bothered with the shit they give you.

I must say the last one I spoke to was actually very helpful - I’d forgotten about her until I searched my memory banks but she offered some very good advice and was extremely helpful.