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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hugely offended

232 replies

Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 17:47

Hello

Prepared to be told off guys but really bloody peeved

So as talked about on other threads fleeing dv and ended up back with my parents for a while

Lovely house
Old
Warm
Needs some paint
Stairs are rickety
But otherwise absolutely fine

Anyway
Health visitor here earlier and she was so so rude about the stairs
Said they were unsightly and it was a concern to her !!!!

She knows my situation
Knows we are stuck for cash

I just burst into tears and she left shortly after

So annoyed now
Don't have the money to get a painter in but rest of house is 100 per cent fine
Warm and safe !!!!!

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 07/02/2022 18:50

So its not even your house you just escaped dv and shes having a go about the paint?

FeloniusGru · 07/02/2022 18:51

Wow, sorry you’ve been made to feel like this OP (and well done on fleeing dv - that’s something to be really proud of).
When the HV came to see my newborn we were in the middle of a big renovation, house was very dusty, exposed bricks, unsafe entrance and we had a toddler running round 🙃 the only comment she made was something like “you’ve got your hands full!” and then moved on. Unsightly stairs are hardly a cause for concern!

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 18:52

@FeloniusGru

Wow, sorry you’ve been made to feel like this OP (and well done on fleeing dv - that’s something to be really proud of). When the HV came to see my newborn we were in the middle of a big renovation, house was very dusty, exposed bricks, unsafe entrance and we had a toddler running round 🙃 the only comment she made was something like “you’ve got your hands full!” and then moved on. Unsightly stairs are hardly a cause for concern!
See

Some can be so decent

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 18:53

@Coffeeshopcake

Presuming it's true that the stairs are just tatty and not dirty or unsafe, she should get lost.

What is it with health visitors?

I hate to stereotype an entire profession but honestly I had one nice one.

I always had 2 that were absolutely awful, rude, insulting and downright stupid.

We had one who came in and interrogated us about whether we had the correct baby equipment. If she'd opened her eyes you could clearly see all the stuff that she was asking about on plain sight.

"Have you got a Moses basket" in a concerned tone, the baby is asleep in it in right in front of you you utter dipshit.

Gosh that is shit right

So unnecessary!!!!

It's paint work

I started to paint bottom two and gave up
Midway

They look unsightly yes

Not dangerous

But unsightly :(

OP posts:
KeepingAnOpenMind · 07/02/2022 18:53

I hope you report her

blyn72 · 07/02/2022 18:55

Health Visitors are.......I cannot find the words, actually.

Some of the stuff they come out with is unbelievable.

How dare she criticise your staircase.

Anyway you don't have to see her; if she calls again, unannounced, just say it's not convenient.

Cccc1111 · 07/02/2022 18:58

She sounds like my original hv. Awful judgey snooty woman. She moaned at me because I hadn’t replaced a few of the spotlight bulbs in my hall ceiling, when ds was a week old. Ceiling is high, I was huge when pregnant and not safe to be standing on a chair and dp is in a wheelchair. Honestly I have so many lights in my hall it’s like an aircraft runway, a few wasn’t a big deal.

She generally found as many stupid things to nitpick about and kept announcing she didn’t think I was very confident or relaxed. Well of course I wasn’t going to be relaxed having her in my house. She made up a load of stories about me to social services, it took the social worker 10 mins of chatting to me to realise it was lies and how ridiculous it was, and he put an end to her rubbish.

After that she has vanished, and I’ve had a different hv for a while, who is supportive and lovely, and I’m happy chatting to. Good luck I hope you get a better hv soon.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/02/2022 18:59

I get what you mean. But in fairness not one thing wrong with rest of the house

I don't suppose that there is - I have always wondered where they manufacture HVs, as the ones I have met have seemed to be in it to make new Mums cry by any means necessary; but then there are some whom other people have found wonderful - I've just never met one of the second type.

Honestly, she picked the only thing that wasn't perfect. Hard though it is right now when you're immediately post partum and have just escaped a really shitty situation, I really do think that rolling your eyes and making them look a bit less old and rickety will cause you less worry and upset in the longterm. Otherwise, you could worry about what's going to be said next time and you really don't need that.

she'll have forgotten about the stairs and will probably moan about the skirting boards or location of a table instead next time

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2022 18:59

I can see why stairs which look as though they may cause you to trip or slip whilst carrying a baby would be a concern. But I wouldn’t worry too much, if everything is as you say then even if she does make a future referral it isn’t going to go anywhere after an initial check.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 18:59

I will probably just stay silent during next visit and tell her not to return when she is done with the 6-8 week check
M silly mare

She literally has or should have no concerns

Like seriously

The amount of houses with smokers or lots of drinking / drugs and she points out useless shit like this to me ( I work with loads of vulnerable families and wiukd never ever shame them in this way ever )

OP posts:
Spitspotsput · 07/02/2022 19:05

My hv was so nasty to me I ended up in hospital. Please don’t let her get you down.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 07/02/2022 19:06

@Queenie6655 If it's the same one next time, leave some sand paper, a tin of white gloss and some brushes on a high enough surface visible...if she mentions it again, point to it and tell her to crack on - you're busy caring for your kids.

DrManhattan · 07/02/2022 19:11

My HV lectured me about birth control, I had to remind her that I'd had IVF so I didn't need to worry about that. She didn't even apologise.

NumberTheory · 07/02/2022 19:12

@Queenie6655

I will probably just stay silent during next visit and tell her not to return when she is done with the 6-8 week check M silly mare

She literally has or should have no concerns

Like seriously

The amount of houses with smokers or lots of drinking / drugs and she points out useless shit like this to me ( I work with loads of vulnerable families and wiukd never ever shame them in this way ever )

Do you expect the 6-8 week check to be helpful? You don’t have to have her round. There may be an hv clinic you could attend instead or you can request a different hv or, if you have any concerns, you can see your GP.
TheVanguardSix · 07/02/2022 19:12

Oh OP. Flowers Congratulations but also, massive sympathy hugs. I remember my youngest came home from hospital with a cold and it was so incredibly stressful and worrying on top of just trying to get the hang of being a new mum.
Honestly, based on my own past experiences with HVs, I do wonder what witches cauldron they haul them out of. I've never met one that I liked and it really is the one part of having a baby that I couldn't stand: the dreaded HV coming around to judge. So much stress.
Apologies to the wonderful HVs out there. They do exist. But it's hard not to bash them when your experience has been so negative.

eggsandwich · 07/02/2022 19:12

My hv 21 years ago said to me after she asked how I was getting on and I said being a parent wasn’t how I had expected it (terrible labour ending in c section) she said did you have him as an accessory!

My dh and I both looked at each other in shock, a few years later I was diagnosed with severe pnd so much so I just wanted to die.

Luckily enough we moved and I got a lovely gp who helped me so much, though my child now young adult has severe learning difficulties and is autistic and non verbal, no wonder he was hard work.

If I had my time again I wouldn’t bother with a hv.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 07/02/2022 19:15

Health visiting is an optional service. I would just decline further involvement.

Onlyforcake · 07/02/2022 19:20

What this thread needs is more self satisfied bitching. Hmm

Jeannie88 · 07/02/2022 19:20

For goodness sake, thing is she had nothing else to comment in which means you're doing fantastic! Stairs do get rickety but doesn't mean they will collapse. Maybe appease her by getting someone to have a look and confirm are OK.

BoredZelda · 07/02/2022 19:20

There is a difference between rickety stairs and stairs that need a coat of paint.

If you are happy that they are not unsafe then just ignore.

Onlyforcake · 07/02/2022 19:21

Wrong thread ! Sorry

cherrysthename · 07/02/2022 19:22

You are doing amazingly. You don't have to see a HV again if you don't want to, or can ask to deal with another one.
Each HV I had visit had some really funny ideas in their own ways. I actually felt sorry for the last one as she seemed clueless. Amongst other things she told me I couldn't manage a career and a baby when I had done it twice before? Very odd

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 07/02/2022 19:30

@GettingThemFromHereToThere

Health visiting is an optional service. I would just decline further involvement.
I'm in Northern Ireland

Not sure if the rules!!??

Can hand in heart say they just need paint

Plus baby is no where near them

Her room is downstairs and our bedroom is downstairs
She has a brand new expensive next to me crib beside me

She wants for nothing

Just trying my best in many ways and she is thriving

So unfair comments floor me as what more can I do 😢😢

OP posts:
Lancrelady80 · 07/02/2022 19:31

@DrManhattan

My HV lectured me about birth control, I had to remind her that I'd had IVF so I didn't need to worry about that. She didn't even apologise.
To be fair, having IVF doesn't mean you automatically don't need contraception when you have had your baby. For some women, it's as if it resets hormones etc and a surprise second baby makes an appearance. I know several where this has been the case, including dd.

Obviously depends on reason for IVF though.

FM2013 · 07/02/2022 19:32

I would tell her you'll attend one of the weekly health visitor clinics (if covid still allows them) at 6 and 8 weeks rather than letting her into your home again. Or you could just request a different hv. I barred mine from my house after she came in stinking of smoke to do my 1st baby's checks and just attended the weekly ones when needed. Next 3 babies I had a different hv who was possibly one one the loveliest women I've ever met. Most importantly don't let the cow make you feel bad about your home. Sounds like you've dealt with a lot and are doing well. Congratulations, hugs and most importantly enjoy your new baby.