To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

Yep. But I'm a giant bitch in my head in general.

I honestly can't believe how much people are judging about weight!!! I am sick to death of being judged about what I look like rather than the kind of person I am!
Yes, children being overweight is not a great thing and can (CAN) lead to a lifetime of issues but most of the children I know who have been overweight or chubbier than their peers, suddenly grow in height and it all evens out. As long as they are getting a good amount of exercise and eating good balanced food, why does it concern you? There are other things that are more important than what the scales say! If children were brought up to respect differences and not to judge then the world would be a much kinder place to live

I was an overweight child. I used to steal food and comfort eat to cope with sexual abuse and having an alcoholic father and my parents subsequent divorce.

So judge away, the lot of you.

@UndertheCedartree

I think it is understandable given your history so please don't beat yourself up. As long as you didn't actually pass judgement.

I met a family at karate. The youngest son was very overweight. None of the rest of the family were. Turned out he had a hormone issue, poor lad. It was so stressful for his mum and she felt so judged. She controlled his diet to the nth degree, he did lots of exercise but he just stayed overweight. Incidentally, he was very good at karate despite his weight.

I have just found out I have an underactive thyroid so I can really understand how your body can work against you. I want to eat healthily, exercise and lose weight but my body wants me to eat loads of food, store it all as fat and hibernate!

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, this thread is a real rollercoaster and I've inadvertently upset quite a few people, which was never my intention!

My own childhood plays a big part I have to admit, I just think how awful it was for me and I sort of do actually blame my own parents so maybe there's something in that! As an adult I'm constantly dieting, always having to monitor what I eat, get to the gym, it's miserable and I suppose I feel really sad when I see a kid like I used to be and know what's likely ahead for them.

Yes, I judge. At that age, parents are wholly in control of what a child has to eat and it's pretty much always the parents fault.

I judge the ones who insist their child is a healthy weight and the doctors are wrong

However, it's a bit much to judge all parents without more knowledge

• they might have 50% custody or less and be unable to control this element (I can't control that my children don't do any homework at their dads for instance)

My nephew is very overweight but has a range of SENand health issues. My brother and sister in law are the healthiest and most active people I know. They model good behaviour and provide wholesome food and now don't have any treats in the house. But they rely on grandparents for some care and of course he has some meals at school/the childminder

Wouldn't it be great if there was another goady thread for bored self satisfied keyboard warriors to have a go on

I wouldn't judge but I was a bit for DD when 2 of her friends who are both overweight were concerned about the lack of food in her lunchbox. She is pretty slim 20% percentile and likes food but gets full up quickly. There is literally no pint in providing what they had so- sandwich, cereal bar, juice, mini cheddar and yoghurt as it would come home uneaten. She has a chicken wrap, pretzels or cheese straw a cereal bar, cucumber or kiwi ruit and water pretty much every day, some days, helpful of everything is left including the cereal bar/a biscuit. She prefers to get out to play. Her friends going on at her upset her.

@Brighton2019

I honestly can't believe how much people are judging about weight!!! I am sick to death of being judged about what I look like rather than the kind of person I am! Yes, children being overweight is not a great thing and can (CAN) lead to a lifetime of issues but most of the children I know who have been overweight or chubbier than their peers, suddenly grow in height and it all evens out. As long as they are getting a good amount of exercise and eating good balanced food, why does it concern you? There are other things that are more important than what the scales say! If children were brought up to respect differences and not to judge then the world would be a much kinder place to live

but most of the children I know who have been overweight or chubbier than their peers, suddenly grow in height and it all evens out.

Well it's not looking good for the 1 in 4 children between 10 -11 who are overweight/obese, because they're statistically far more likely to become overweight teenagers and adults.

A good of mine friend co-parents with his ex wife; they share a nine year old. My friend is vegan, goes to the gym and lives a very healthy lifestyle, which he feeds his child when he has him. His child is EXTREMELY overweight, can’t join in with sport at school as he can’t run, wears clothes for 13-14 year olds and I have witnessed him screaming at his dad for sweets and McDonald’s because that is how he is fed by his mum. The child has rolls upon rolls of fat and is just getting bigger. It’s sad

Yes I do to be honest.

Particularly of very young children because frankly they only have access to what the parent gives them.

@OfstedOffred "at that age parents aren't wholly in control of what a child eats" - that just isn't true . Between childcare settings, shared custody, relying on grandparents etc.. some parents have full control. But by no means all do. I know parents who tear their hair out about what their ex feeds their children etc.

@Hospedia

You really can't think of reasons why a child could be overweight?

• disability and/or illness
• medical treatment that causes weight gain
• sensory issues related to ASD, ADHD, SPD, etc that can lead to excessive eating/only eating specific foods (e g , processed foods)
• poverty
• genetics
• emotional issues relating to food
• parental lack of support/education, e.g., lack of knowledge around child nutrition

And that's just a short list. It's a complex issue and does not have an easy fix.

Well yes but many of those have always existed - if not understood so well - and yet these levels of overweight were unheard of.

So I'd love some advice here from those who would take 'action' with an overweight child. During the 2nd lock down over the winter my 7/8 year literally doubled in size overnight. I always knew they had my build and could have a tendency for weight gain. Exactly the same thing happened to me at 8 years old. This was the 80s, small town, there was no junk and my mum cooked healthy from scratch and I was very active. Apparently I suddenly just started enjoying food but had no issues, until my mum panicked and put me on a diet at 8. There began over 30 years of eating disorders, yoyo dieting, horrendous mental health and low self esteem. I finally has gastric surgery in my mid 30s and altho slim now I have to work on my food issues and mental health every day. My OH grew up with an anorexic mother so is also very concerned about doing the right thing.

My child is a 'good' eater but not a big sacker and due to the weight gain absolutely hates herself and finds physical activity hard. Only thing they'll do is swimming which we do as much as we can.
Its so do hard to K ow what to do. So far they don't have a bad relationship with food. I'm terrified of creating one, is that neglectful?? I want to spare her what I went through but at the same time I know what awaits her as a fat child/teenager/adult.

I can assure you there are no mcdonalds, or takeaways (I don't eat them). I wouldn't even buy selection boxes at Xmas. Yes we have quavers and small chocolate bars. My other child is very underweight and have been told to offer him more little and often. So how an I supposed to offer one of them food without the other. (I know how that felt as the 9yr old on the diet).
Clearly I've gone wrong, I'm not perfect. But what do I do?

@Iputthetrampintrampoline

I am obese,small and fat .My husband is 6ft 3 tall and slim, My son has a sedentary job and works hard to keep fit and healthy but always battles with it.My dd is 10 and is like a rake,she eats the same meals we do,I do not cook kids food or have kids snacks she eats what we do,she never stops though she dances,she runs,she just is never still like her dad, So on pick up who would you judge me or dad? Me for being like a fat football or dad who is tall and slim bordering on skinny.? Same kid! I believe it is inactivity that prompts childrens over weightness more than what they eat.Some kids need to move more but if they are more inclined to read a book instead of be sporty its hard for parents. I can regulate everyones diet in this house but not my own. I try not to judge but I suppose I do and I know thats wrong.

I agree re inactivity, the cards are stacked against some kids and which means it's even more vital that their DPs help as much as possible. In a situation I know, the DPs lead a pretty sedentary lifestyle themselves and would prefer to give the DC an iPad for an afternoon rather than go to the park so the kid is facing a loosing battle.

You nasty, nasty, nasty, judgemental arseholes. I am raising a lovely, kind little girl. If any of your children take after you I can only assume you are not.

Yes, I absolutely judge. The parents, obviously, as the child is fully reliant on what the parents feed them.

And, yes yes, there's the one child who's got a genuine disability etc, so it's not the parents just allowing their children to be fat and unhealthy.

Exceptions don't make the rule.

100 overweight kids, 95 are down to the parents just giving them unlimited crap. Damn right I'll judge that. As you should, it's disgraceful that adults can do that to a child. Turned on it's head, the same extreme deficiency, instead of surplus, would be child neglect/abuse.

If you are judging a child on their weight then you probably judge people on other things too. None of us are perfect, if you feel the need to judge keep it inside your head, it’s not fair to ask opinion, you know it’s an emotive subject.

@Mariposista

I judge without shame. It's disgusting when an adult buys and eats junk and does no exercise and ends up with health problems that the good old health service has to mop up, and potentially leaving them vulnerable to covid too so we healthy people all have to shield them, but to allow a child to get fat is unforgivable. YOU buy the junk as the parent, YOU allow screens, YOU allow TV, YOU are to blame.

Why is it DISGUSTING?? I can feel your smug scorn from the way you type. As for the NHS, I pay my taxes just like everyone else and so far, anything that I have needed from the NHS has NOT been weight related despite being overweight for many years. I also am healthy so yiu didnt sheild for me - in fact i worked all through the pandemic. Blood pressure perfect, no diabetes or high cholesterol (despite a link from my mother who was 5ft4 and 9st when she was diagnosed). Fuck off with your fatphobia and fake outrage and find something more worthwhile to get worked up about

It doesn't help that in schools a sedentary child is a good child. Whereas one that fidgets, moves around, doesn't like to sit still is a 'problem' child.

@Augustlou30

So I'd love some advice here from those who would take 'action' with an overweight child. During the 2nd lock down over the winter my 7/8 year literally doubled in size overnight. I always knew they had my build and could have a tendency for weight gain. Exactly the same thing happened to me at 8 years old. This was the 80s, small town, there was no junk and my mum cooked healthy from scratch and I was very active. Apparently I suddenly just started enjoying food but had no issues, until my mum panicked and put me on a diet at 8. There began over 30 years of eating disorders, yoyo dieting, horrendous mental health and low self esteem. I finally has gastric surgery in my mid 30s and altho slim now I have to work on my food issues and mental health every day. My OH grew up with an anorexic mother so is also very concerned about doing the right thing.

My child is a 'good' eater but not a big sacker and due to the weight gain absolutely hates herself and finds physical activity hard. Only thing they'll do is swimming which we do as much as we can.
Its so do hard to K ow what to do. So far they don't have a bad relationship with food. I'm terrified of creating one, is that neglectful?? I want to spare her what I went through but at the same time I know what awaits her as a fat child/teenager/adult.

I can assure you there are no mcdonalds, or takeaways (I don't eat them). I wouldn't even buy selection boxes at Xmas. Yes we have quavers and small chocolate bars. My other child is very underweight and have been told to offer him more little and often. So how an I supposed to offer one of them food without the other. (I know how that felt as the 9yr old on the diet).
Clearly I've gone wrong, I'm not perfect. But what do I do?

I really genuinely hope someone with knowledge reaches out to give you a bit of advice and support, this sounds so hard! You're doing everything you can it seems, that's so deflating for you I'm sure. But well done on getting your weight down and keeping it off, I know the daily battles well and it's not easy. X

@Ozanj

I work in childcare and take notice when a 2-3 year old with short / average sized parents suddenly reaches 90+ centile in height. Height gain is the precurser to weight gain in obesity but parents are usually far too proud of it to take me seriously and then when that child becomes obese at 6-7 it becomes much harder to control.

Ozanj

Can you explain a bit more? I didn’t know this. Really interesting.

@ReadySteadyTwins

Yes, I absolutely judge. The parents, obviously, as the child is fully reliant on what the parents feed them.

And, yes yes, there's the one child who's got a genuine disability etc, so it's not the parents just allowing their children to be fat and unhealthy.

Exceptions don't make the rule.

100 overweight kids, 95 are down to the parents just giving them unlimited crap. Damn right I'll judge that. As you should, it's disgraceful that adults can do that to a child. Turned on it's head, the same extreme deficiency, instead of surplus, would be child neglect/abuse.

Do you reserve your judgement for the overweight children, or do you equally judge the parents who feed their children processed rubbish but whose children are not overweight?

@Anjo2011

If you are judging a child on their weight then you probably judge people on other things too. None of us are perfect, if you feel the need to judge keep it inside your head, it’s not fair to ask opinion, you know it’s an emotive subject.

No one's judging the child

In afraid I do ..especially if the parents are overweight too and they are tucking into junk food or the shopping trolley doesn't look particularly healthy ...I feel sadness too