To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

No judgement from me. I wasn't overweight as a child but as an adult, my weight has gone up and down quite a bit. Weight issues are far from straightforward - it's not the case that everyone who is overweight lives off takeaways and junk foods. As a passerby, you have no idea why the person you're passing, whether child or adult, is overweight.

I have a friend with twin boys (not identical) - one is much stockier than the other. They have always had the same access to food, the same lifestyle. The stockier one plays even more sport than the slim twin and the stocky twin is noticably overweight. All home cooked food, plenty of veg and some fruit, no juices, no pop. Their 3 other siblings are slim. No medical issues involved. It seems one boy's daily calorie needs are much lower than the other, despite his greater output with sport - maybe a slower metabolism.
No judgement

@IsAnybodyListening

For those that judge, please, please don't. Often its not silent, you may comment to another adult or even to the overweight child, I know my poor ds has had it for years and it has broken my heart many a time.

I have 2 DC's. Both have been raised the same, and given the same food. My eldest is petite and slim, could eat a horse and doesn't seem to put weight on.

Younger DC just turned 17. Was on the 99th percentile for height and weight since birth. He is about 6'2 now and in an adult large to x large. He has been an extremely picky eater since about age 10, however this does not equate to him living off junk food as I expect people have wrongly assumed.

Never forget the day he came home and told me an adult called him a 'Fat Bastard' and the tears that followed. Or the time when we were in a 5* AI when he was 13 and an adult called him a 'Fat Pig' when he was swimming in the pool with a t-shirt as he was embarrassed about his weight.

Before anyone asks what I have done about it over the years? Everything. Regular swimming, bike rides, calorie counted for him, 2hr walks on mild evenings, home gym etc.

Food through his childhood very normal, mostly home cooked. The closest I ever got to 'junk' food was/is frozen pizzas or breaded chicken.

Today for example he had an iced coffee before College (not great, but he doesn't do breakfast atm!) He took in a ready made pasta salad to have for lunch, 1X low calorie crisps and 1lt of water. He has come home and I am cooking spicy chicken with a Jacket Pot and a mixed salad. He might have a bowl of 'Pudding Cereal' prior to bed.

Not the diet of a fat bastard, a neglectful mother or a multitude of other insults I have heard over the years.

Plus side, he has had a good bunch of mates since primary that seem to love him, always someone popping over to see him and a good social life. He doesnt need to be reminded or judged by strangers he is overweight. He knows. He's trying.

Your post has brought tears to my eyes!! Bless your son!! Keep fighting for him as you have been doing!

Dont ever let the judgemental arseholes ruin your day!!

The amount of people on here who admit they judge the parents of obese children whilst simultaneously describing the rubbish they allow their children to eat is astounding!

When the day comes where you only feed your children nutritional food and only allow them to drink water or milk, then you will be in a position to sit on your high horse and judge!!

How you can judge parents of overweight children when you are feeding your children crap is beyond me!! The irony!!

Some children have disabilities.
Some children have health issues.
Some children have parents who, god forbid, want to treat their children and live in poverty and cant afford to take their children to sports clubs or on days out, so treat them to sugary treats. So shoot them!!

What a nasty spiteful thread, to bring people together to gloat over their good fortune that their children are not overweight.

@anon12345678901

I do when the parents are overweight yes. Because then it is more likely unhealthy eating / lack of exercise causing it. Considering 1 in 4 children between 10 -11 are now obese, I highly doubt these are all medical reasons. That is a truly awful statistic. A lot of kids aren't active enough and simply eat the wrong foods.

Same here.

I knew a family who were all overweight. We had the kids round for lunch one day (aged about 9/10). I gave them pizza, chips and peas and the boy didn't touch the peas - his sister said, "He doesn't eat vegetables, he eats everything else then tells mum he's full." So yes, if he was getting away with that crap at home I absolutely judge!

I do, a bit.

I think it's a bit of a cop-out to say that just because some children are disabled, some families don't have an oven and whatever other excuse that it means that children just become overweight at random. Most children that are obese are overfed on junk food. Primary school children can only eat food that they are given, so parents have almost complete control over diet.

I wouldn’t. I was an overweight kid in the 70s with two skinny brothers. Rather than eat more than them, I ate less as I wasn’t allowed puddings. We weren’t well off, and it was the 70s so no cupboards of snacks or processed food. My mum didn’t have a car so we walked everywhere, swam in the river in the summer, went out on my bike with my friends after school. Sweets were a 10p mix on a Saturday.

I didn’t have any medical reason, but when I was born I was 10lbs where my brothers were both 6lbs something. Mum said I’d finish a bottle and cry for another one, so she’d put me at the bottom of the garden in my pram.

I just think some people are bigger than others. Looking back at class photos I wasn’t that much bigger than my classmates and wore the same size clothes but I was definitely a bit bigger.

One of my daughters friends was probably twice the weight of her classmates (much much taller too), and it was very very obvious in infant school, but by the time they finished school they were all normal ish heights, and in their prom photo, she didn’t stand out.

I don't, no. A boy at my school was mercilessly bullied for being overweight, he was on steroids because of his asthma and other health issues.
Besides which it's pretty shitty judging anyone (especially a child) on their appearance.

I'd judge.
But then I was and still am the fat kid.
My mum used to feed me crisps or kit-kat for breakfast and give me sugar tablets on the way to school - how I didn't bounce off the walls I'll never know. My poor teachers.
I can't even eat breakfast now. I know I should, but my whole system is so screwed...
so Yes, as a fat (nearly 50yo) I'd judge an awful lot.

Mumsnet - By parents for parents. Unless you're fat or have a fat kid, then you can fuck right off.

@Jupitersmoonandstars

Whoa hold on a second!

Have you actually read my op? I'm not gloating, this isn't a nasty thread, I didn't start it to be horrible! I was questioning my own judgement and asking for others opinions, in doing so I've read some very insightful and heart touching replies that have helped me start to see things differently.

Not all discussion has to be labelled as nasty and evil because it touches on emotive or difficult subjects. How are people supposed to learn and see different view points if these things are never discussed?

But thanks for taking a swipe...

@sadpapercourtesan - we differ. She starved her child and abused her, imo. It is not possible for me to regard her with compasssion. Her daughter was lucky to escape. Admittedly it is an extreme example, but the point is the adults set the tone for health and weight, be it over or under. Children have little control but what adults do, and this mother abused her child thoroughly. I thought it a form of Munchausens as the mother really did not get the right attention by herself. She was a positive danger, imo.

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

Mumsnet - By parents for parents. Unless you're fat or have a fat kid, then you can fuck right off.

Gee thanks .

Wish I hadn't bothered posting my comments supporting the parents of fat children, given that I don't have DC and I'm not currently overweight.

Um I don't think most people are talking about shaming parents for their children being overweight, rather judging that it is something that they should avoid. This comes with the caveat so obvious I don't see why it needs to be written - if your child is not obese because you are overfeeding them unhealthy food, you don't need to feel judged for overfeeding them unhealthy food.

I understand the nuance, but to directly equate people who would admit that yes, privately, they would judge the parents of a severely overweight young child, to someone who would verbalise that to said parent or worse, to said child, is not fair.

I also think that shame does no good whatsoever for any human condition, mental or physical. But feeding into that shame is actually also people who make the subject of weight so taboo by decrying fatness as the ultimate insult. However good your intentions are, it is equally unhelpful and has led to the creation of huge online communities such as Health At Every Size.

This is not a black and white issue. I say this all as someone who has struggled with weight my whole life.

@jytdtysrht

If you judge people with fat children, you should be ashamed. My dd’s bff weighs twice what my dd weighs due to a brain tumour. Ok? Sorry about that.

Do you judge people for having a lack of education? Being poor? Being stressed? Nice world we live in. Fwiw both my children are enviably lean. Instead of hanging a gold medal round my neck, I’ll be thankful that they got good genes and are healthy.

Yes you just don't know! This thread is super depressing and upsetting. As a child I was super super thin, also as an adult until I developed a brain tumour 10 years ago. I'm pretty chubby now - obese even. There's very little I can do apart from literally starve myself to make a difference.

Yes I do judge. But I also judge parents who sit in McDonalds feeding their 10/11 month old chips. And I also judge because I can’t stand it, toddlers/preschoolers watching iPads and phones in restaurants. In fact kids of any age watching gadgets in restaurants!

Yes I do I’m afraid because more often than not childhood obesity is as a result of neglectful parenting.

I just think some people are bigger than others

But surely this has always been the case? Yet since the early 1980s people are becoming more and more obese. 63% of UK adults are overweight or obese and as a PP said earlier 1 in 4 children between 10 -11 are now obese

That's not because suddenly 'some people are just bigger than others'. It's a lifestyle choice in the vast majority of cases and those parents are choosing that lifestyle for the kids they're supposed to be caring for.

@AndSoFinally
Thought the same about fruits. Yes, better than other sugary snacks. But nonetheless, fruits are sugar and calories, albeit with vitamins. I’m confident children don’t really need snacks. But I know snacks are offered in schools to cover those who are not fortunate to have breakfast. I have nothing against fruits, but sadly fruits are not calorie free and add up to overall calorie count, obviously.

I think it is understandable given your history so please don't beat yourself up. As long as you didn't actually pass judgement.

I met a family at karate. The youngest son was very overweight. None of the rest of the family were. Turned out he had a hormone issue, poor lad. It was so stressful for his mum and she felt so judged. She controlled his diet to the nth degree, he did lots of exercise but he just stayed overweight. Incidentally, he was very good at karate despite his weight.

I have just found out I have an underactive thyroid so I can really understand how your body can work against you. I want to eat healthily, exercise and lose weight but my body wants me to eat loads of food, store it all as fat and hibernate!

@User0610134049

I don’t because tbh my dc and many others I know don’t have an 100% great diet, they have fruit and veg but also have crisps sometimes (not every day) and donuts and sweets probably once a week. Yet they are slim. But it’s not by virtue of a great diet, if you see what I mean, more by luck probably! So who am I to judge?

Is it not that they just don't eat too much ie your kids may eat unhealthy foods but not in massive portions?

I am obese,small and fat .My husband is 6ft 3 tall and slim, My son has a sedentary job and works hard to keep fit and healthy but always battles with it.My dd is 10 and is like a rake,she eats the same meals we do,I do not cook kids food or have kids snacks she eats what we do,she never stops though she dances,she runs,she just is never still like her dad, So on pick up who would you judge me or dad? Me for being like a fat football or dad who is tall and slim bordering on skinny.? Same kid! I believe it is inactivity that prompts childrens over weightness more than what they eat.Some kids need to move more but if they are more inclined to read a book instead of be sporty its hard for parents. I can regulate everyones diet in this house but not my own. I try not to judge but I suppose I do and I know thats wrong.

Nope. I don’t judge parents full stop. I don’t know enough of their circumstances to decide I’m better than them, which is all judgement really is.

I would hope the child isn’t bullied, but I’d hope that for a whole lot of children. If I were to wish a parent would do something differently it would be the parents of a bully, rather than the parent of the kid being bullied. It’s a shitty world if we start saying parents need to change their behaviour to stop their kid being bullied rather than dealing with the actual problem of bullying.

One of my DSs is overweight. We don't feed him junk at all - in fact we're very much into cooking and trying new things - and as a PP said, he loves food and doesn't self-regulate very well.

He had a health condition as a toddler that made him v skinny so I was delighted when he started catching up... And probably slow to realise when it went a bit far, especially in lockdown.

I do judge me, tbh. I feel like I fell asleep at the wheel but I'm trying to address it now with smaller portions, more exercise etc.

I have an overweight child. And quite frankly those of you sitting in judgement can fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

[quote PaddleBoardingMomma]@Jupitersmoonandstars

Whoa hold on a second!

Have you actually read my op? I'm not gloating, this isn't a nasty thread, I didn't start it to be horrible! I was questioning my own judgement and asking for others opinions, in doing so I've read some very insightful and heart touching replies that have helped me start to see things differently.

Not all discussion has to be labelled as nasty and evil because it touches on emotive or difficult subjects. How are people supposed to learn and see different view points if these things are never discussed?

But thanks for taking a swipe...[/quote]
What are the parents of overweight children supposed to learn from your thread then?
If I had an overweight child, so far, what I've learnt from this thread is that I'd be judged unkindly, unless I was willing to be extremely vocal about any medical issues my child may have, or I'd have to convince other parents, probably unsuccessfully, that I hadn't been feeding my child crap!!
I would also learn that many people feed their children rubbish and their children are not overweight, so reinforcing the idea that my child is either unlucky or I'm a shit parent.
The main lesson I would learn is that I'm being judged and observed far more than I probably realised.