To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

And, yes yes, there's the one child who's got a genuine disability etc, so it's not the parents just allowing their children to be fat and unhealthy. Exceptions don't make the rule. 100 overweight kids, 95 are down to the parents just giving them unlimited crap. Damn right I'll judge that. As should you

And once again, how do you tell by looking which children are "genuinely disabled" (what does "genuinely disabled" even mean!?) and therefore - by your standards - allowed to be overweight? How do you tell by looking which children are on medication that affects their weight? How do you tell by looking which children have emotional and/or mental health issues affecting their weight?

Please do share how you can diagnose health conditions and disabilities with just one look and therefore know who you can and can't judge?

There's so many issues at play that I don't judge their parents.If our health screening of children was adequate this wouldn't be such an issue or it could be dealt with sensibly.

@StepAwayFromGoogling

You nasty, nasty, nasty, judgemental arseholes. I am raising a lovely, kind little girl. If any of your children take after you I can only assume you are not.

I've reported it for fatphpbia. Just another day on Mumsnet!

@DiddyHeck

I work with disadvantaged children. Often tea, 5/6 times a week is a portion of chips.

That's not going to make any kid fat if they're not overfed and they run around enough. They won't be healthy but they won't be fat either.

That's just not true. A large portion of deep fried cheap chips with be heavy on calories with little nutrition. It's not untrue that a kid on this diet could be a normal weight, but we literally know that this type of highly processed, unbalanced, low income influenced diet is bad for people of all ages, and certainly increases the risk of obesity.

I don't know why some are so intent on beating around the bush here. These are not things said to be mean to individuals. Most people who are overweight are overweight because they eat too much of the wrong food. Some people are overweight because of illness, or mental health issues, or genetic conditions. But most people are overweight because of a poor diet.

Losing weight is more complicated than just stopping eating, but only because the "just stopping" is the complicated bit. Not because theoretically if you regularly ate at a calorie deficit you would still struggle to lose weight.

@Arsewangry

I was an overweight child. I used to steal food and comfort eat to cope with sexual abuse and having an alcoholic father and my parents subsequent divorce.

So judge away, the lot of you.

@Anjo2011

If you are judging a child on their weight then you probably judge people on other things too. None of us are perfect, if you feel the need to judge keep it inside your head, it’s not fair to ask opinion, you know it’s an emotive subject.

Again, just because a topic is an emotive or difficult subject doesn't mean it shouldn't be discussed. Exchange of opinion is how we learn and experience different view points. As I have stated a few times now, I myself was an overweight child and it was utterly miserable and horrible, I feel a strong pang of sadness for these children and caught myself today (in my head) judging the parents. I wanted to talk about that because I wasn't particularly happy that I had done so and wanted a broader range of opinions on how others feel about what is essentially becoming commonplace, overweight children are not a rarity. It's something that is worth talking about and educating ourselves on, surely?

Whilst I try not to, I do struggle with letting children get overweight. Unless there are underlying healthy conditions, there really is no reason to have an overweight child. It also isn't the child's fault. It's the parents, so yes on occasion I will find myself judging.
It's negligent to not pay attention to your child's health. It's that simple. You aren't putting enough care into what they're eating and how much they're eating.

I'm overweight myself currently and I absolutely hate. Mostly due to a lack of education surrounding nutrition and lack of movement when growing up. If I can educate my child through healthy, appropriate portion controlled meals (and of course treats in moderation) and being active then why wouldn't I? However I will never put the emphasis on weight or bmi, but being healthy.

Yes I do. It’s neglect of the child’s health and well-being.

"then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position."

Or maybe be irrationally annoyed at the neonatal stroke that put her in that position instead. As in my daughter's case.

Very sad at some of these comments.

@ReadySteadyTwins

Really ?

@OhWifey

"then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position."

Or maybe be irrationally annoyed at the neonatal stroke that put her in that position instead. As in my daughter's case.

Very sad at some of these comments.

Or rationally annoyed even

I've reported it for fatphpbia. Just another day on Mumsnet!

I hope this thread doesn't get deleted as a whole. Pushing the conversation of weight further and further into the taboo doesn't help anyone.

Of course fatphobia is awful. But fatphobia is a more wide reaching issue than just people saying horrible things to fat people.

There is an astonishing amount of nasty language about fat people on here

I was size 8-10 until I was 35. Then was badly abused which triggered PTSD, ended up on a very high dose of antidepressants. Now a fat size 14. I hate seeing the judging in people's eyes. I am the same person I was when I was slim. In fact I am probably far nicer now as I have learnt so much about how hard life can be and spend a lot of time supporting other victims of DV

@Arsewangry judgement of the parents not the child.

OP: this discussion NEEDS to be had!

Also OP: do you JUDGE?

A desire to be fatphobic once again shrouded in concern

@forcedfun adults make their own decisions. Children don’t.

I was a very very overweight child it was no fault of my parents they gave me all the right stuff I was just built 'big' even now it's impossible for me to drop below 13 stone

@Hospedia

And, yes yes, there's the one child who's got a genuine disability etc, so it's not the parents just allowing their children to be fat and unhealthy. Exceptions don't make the rule. 100 overweight kids, 95 are down to the parents just giving them unlimited crap. Damn right I'll judge that. As should you

And once again, how do you tell by looking which children are "genuinely disabled" (what does "genuinely disabled" even mean!?) and therefore - by your standards - allowed to be overweight? How do you tell by looking which children are on medication that affects their weight? How do you tell by looking which children have emotional and/or mental health issues affecting their weight?

Please do share how you can diagnose health conditions and disabilities with just one look and therefore know who you can and can't judge?

Forgive me for speaking on someone's behalf, but I don't think the point this poster was making was that it's okay to judge some children and not others, or try and decide who is an "acceptable" fat and who isn't.

The point is it's not fair to shut down a wider and general discussion about weight issues because some people have a reason for being overweight that is not directly linked to diet.

Height gain is the precurser to weight gain in obesity

What a load of tosh. Show some evidence for this?

Most children put on weight prior to a growth spurt because that's the way the body works. There's plenty of evidence for this but none that I can find to substantiate your claims.

A desire to be fatphobic once again shrouded in concern

Yup.

"I can't possibly understand how a child can get to be overweight, am I a bad person for judging?"

Every arsehole within a ten mile radius, heading the klaxon call off: "let me tell you my hateful views on this subject..."

I suppose I do judge. It isn't the childrens fault but their parents aren't making good choices. Yes there's often reasons but in reality you can produce healthy cheap food, however many have neither the the knowledge or inclination. There's a diverse number of individual reasons but junk food is mostly to blame

95 are down to the parents just giving them unlimited crap. Damn right I'll judge that. As should you

The last two years have meant children exercising less. Not being at school playing, not able to go to the park with friends, not able to go to clubs or activities.
People have relied on food banks, unfortunately fresh food doesn’t last and you don’t get a choice. So if kids are eating pasta and cheese every day and not exercising they will gain weight.

Not because of the parents, or the child, just circumstance.

It is not your place to judge, your attitude won’t change anything it just makes you look like a cow.

@Augustlou30

So I'd love some advice here from those who would take 'action' with an overweight child. During the 2nd lock down over the winter my 7/8 year literally doubled in size overnight. I always knew they had my build and could have a tendency for weight gain. Exactly the same thing happened to me at 8 years old. This was the 80s, small town, there was no junk and my mum cooked healthy from scratch and I was very active. Apparently I suddenly just started enjoying food but had no issues, until my mum panicked and put me on a diet at 8. There began over 30 years of eating disorders, yoyo dieting, horrendous mental health and low self esteem. I finally has gastric surgery in my mid 30s and altho slim now I have to work on my food issues and mental health every day. My OH grew up with an anorexic mother so is also very concerned about doing the right thing.

My child is a 'good' eater but not a big sacker and due to the weight gain absolutely hates herself and finds physical activity hard. Only thing they'll do is swimming which we do as much as we can.
Its so do hard to K ow what to do. So far they don't have a bad relationship with food. I'm terrified of creating one, is that neglectful?? I want to spare her what I went through but at the same time I know what awaits her as a fat child/teenager/adult.

I can assure you there are no mcdonalds, or takeaways (I don't eat them). I wouldn't even buy selection boxes at Xmas. Yes we have quavers and small chocolate bars. My other child is very underweight and have been told to offer him more little and often. So how an I supposed to offer one of them food without the other. (I know how that felt as the 9yr old on the diet).
Clearly I've gone wrong, I'm not perfect. But what do I do?

During the 2nd lock down over the winter my 7/8 year literally doubled in size overnight.

No they really didn't as this is impossible. My advice is to try to work out why they gained weight and the actual rough time frame, so you can tell your doctor.

"Exactly the same thing happened to me at 8 years old. This was the 80s, small town, there was no junk and my mum cooked healthy from scratch and I was very active. Apparently I suddenly just started enjoying food but had no issues"

What does this mean? Because whether you enjoy what you put in your mouth or whether your don't, will make no difference to your weight. Are you saying your mother realised you were eating too much and not taking enough exercise?

I think a trip to the GP is in order for your child if everything is as you say it is, but judging by some of the things you've written I'm not sure it can be if you see what I mean?

Do you reserve your judgement for the overweight children, or do you equally judge the parents who feed their children processed rubbish but whose children are not overweight?

The overweight ones. Because junk food is fine, like everything, in moderation. That's obvious. My DTwins eat a mix of meat, fruit, veg, spuds, toast and absolute crap/chocolate. The crap forms about 10% of their diet. Like most parents, treats are not banned. There's a difference between that, and gorging on nuggets and chips until they're struggling to run.

Please do share how you can diagnose health conditions and disabilities with just one look and therefore know who you can and can't judge?

Oh, yes absolutely this is unfair. The odd child that has a genuine condition, gets swept up with the masses who have parents feeding them excessive junk.

I was a fat child and actually it was my fault. I was unhappy at school and comfort ate a lot in secret. My parents were not overfeeding me!