To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

I do when the parents are overweight yes. Because then it is more likely unhealthy eating / lack of exercise causing it. Considering 1 in 4 children between 10 -11 are now obese, I highly doubt these are all medical reasons. That is a truly awful statistic. A lot of kids aren't active enough and simply eat the wrong foods.

@LexMitior it sounds like both mother and daughter had significant psychological problems and the mother, due to her own issues, lacked the resources to help her daughter. The outcome you describe is heartbreaking. They've lost their relationship because they didn't receive adequate support.

I find it baffling that you hold this family up as a justification for your own judgemental and nasty attitude, because to me it proves exactly the opposite point; that sometimes there are real, intractable psychological difficulties behind eating issues, and judging them is utterly pointless as well as being deplorable.

I did judge, right up until my own DD became overweight. She does heaps of exercise but will. not. stop. eating. I don't have junk food in the house but she will eat anything and just keep going. I don't get her go to the shop because she will buy heaps of sweets and eat the lot. She's on packed lunches because the school would allow her to have seconds and thirds. Her dad feeds her KFC, chocolate and sweets every time he sees her.

She has visible rolls of fat on her back and feels self-conscious. I asked the school nurse (a central service now) for help but there's nothing available. In the meantime, she has swimming, dance or a fitness class every day, a trampoline in the garden and we feed her child-sized portions at mealtimes.

I feel judged because I would judge me. I do judge me. It's not for want of trying though.

I don't judge because I'm not going to offer to cook for them. My kids are naturally slim and very active. My eldest looks underweight in his swim kit despite eating loads because of his insane metabolism and being overly active (like his dad and grandad). I would hope people don't judge me!

My brother was a chubby kid and when he got to secondary school the weight just fell off him as he got taller. His diet didnt change and he did the same amount of exercise (tae kwon do twice a week) as he had always been doing. He’s very slim now at 18. So no I don’t think I would judge the parents of an overweight child because sometimes its just out of your control!

I absolutely do! If you feed your child unhealthy food, shame on you.

You have zero idea of what the hell other people are dealing with.
I work with disadvantaged children. Often tea, 5/6 times a week is a portion of chips.

My son is not from a disadvantaged background.
He has an underactive thyroid. He did not grow in height for 2 years until we noticed. He put on weight though.

He is now, 2 years on, growing into the weight. He may always struggle with his weight though. Because it affects his metabolism

He has a healthy diet. Until his body starting attacking his thyroid he was skinny as fuck,

I have an underactive thyroid. It affects my metabolism. And my weight. I eat healthily and exercise so I am a size 8

Fuck off with your judging all of you. I cannot believe what I am reading.

RishiRich keep an eye as it sounds like something else may be going on. How old is she?

@leftistbimbo

My brother was a chubby kid and when he got to secondary school the weight just fell off him as he got taller. His diet didnt change and he did the same amount of exercise (tae kwon do twice a week) as he had always been doing. He’s very slim now at 18. So no I don’t think I would judge the parents of an overweight child because sometimes its just out of your control!

But how did he become a chubby kid in the first place before he got to secondary school?

Like others I look at the parents. If they are themselves overweight I feel sad for the child.

My very fit and slim friend has an overweight DD and a skinny DS. Both kids are extremely sporty, both in football teams and into cycling. They all eat the same diet exactly and are a very active family - walk everywhere ( we joke that they never ever seem to sit down or stand still) The DD just can't lose weight for some reason. She has been overweight since she was a baby. She has been checked over by doctors and no reason can be found. We holiday with them every year and the DD eats no more than my two skinny DC and is definitely more active.

There is other background info I have that makes me believe that the DD was just destined to be overweight but I can't go into it as it would be too identifying.

I have another friend in a very similar situation. She is very slim too but one of her sons is overweight, again from a baby, even though they eat a very healthy vegetarian diet and he does loads of sport - he has also been checked out and no reason found. The other son is a perfectly healthy weight.

yes i do judge...there is no reason (apart from health related) that children are overweight.

So how do you tell by looking which children have a health-related weight issue and which don't? How do you know before judging whether they're "allowed" to be overweight?

I also wish people would stop blaming poverty, it's insulting

The link between poverty and obesity is well-established and exists for several reasons.

• processed food is often cheaper both to buy and to prepare/cook, fuel poverty and food poverty go hand in hand

• access to healthy food can dictate eating. If you are stuck buying food from your local corner shop instead do a big supermarket, not only is it more expensive you are also more likely to be restricted to processed easy to cook foods. It's well and good saying carrots cost 15p a bag or smart price rice is 45p but that's no good if you don't have access to the shops that sell them

• if you don't have a library, or lack the skills to access one, then you can't necessarily access healthy recipe ideas so you're more likely to cook what's easy or what you know

• people in poverty might not have any choice over their meals, for example if a friend or relative is helping out by buying food or if the food is coming from a food bank or a community food scheme (a bit like a food bank but anyone can use it without a referral)

• if you are on a very limited budget and you know your child will eat nuggets then you'll buy nuggets, if you're not sure that they'd eat lentil curry why would you waste the money on the ingredients for lentil curry and waste the money cooking it?

• food can be tied up with issues relating to love, comfort, happiness, etc and if you're onnthe bones of your arse living penny to penny but you can get five minutes of joy from a cup of tea and a bar of chocolate or you can see your DC looking "solid" or you can give them a meal that they'll eat every bite of then you're going to be inclined to do these things because you have to find perceived happiness where you can

I work with disadvantaged children. Often tea, 5/6 times a week is a portion of chips.

That's not going to make any kid fat if they're not overfed and they run around enough. They won't be healthy but they won't be fat either.

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@LexMitior it sounds like both mother and daughter had significant psychological problems and the mother, due to her own issues, lacked the resources to help her daughter. The outcome you describe is heartbreaking. They've lost their relationship because they didn't receive adequate support.

I find it baffling that you hold this family up as a justification for your own judgemental and nasty attitude, because to me it proves exactly the opposite point; that sometimes there are real, intractable psychological difficulties behind eating issues, and judging them is utterly pointless as well as being deplorable.[/quote]
The daughter was my friend and I supported her decision not to speak to her mother after watching her spiral down into looking like death with a mother who told her nice she looked. I'm good with my judgment of this woman, who had all the money in the world to address her issues.

She's very lonely now and her daughter has a good life. That was only achieved by some drastic options being pursued, included the daughter being in hospital and having some external family who intervened.

Her mother was pure evil - used to say how fat we all were. Charming.

@IsAnybodyListening

For those that judge, please, please don't. Often its not silent, you may comment to another adult or even to the overweight child, I know my poor ds has had it for years and it has broken my heart many a time.

I have 2 DC's. Both have been raised the same, and given the same food. My eldest is petite and slim, could eat a horse and doesn't seem to put weight on.

Younger DC just turned 17. Was on the 99th percentile for height and weight since birth. He is about 6'2 now and in an adult large to x large. He has been an extremely picky eater since about age 10, however this does not equate to him living off junk food as I expect people have wrongly assumed.

Never forget the day he came home and told me an adult called him a 'Fat Bastard' and the tears that followed. Or the time when we were in a 5* AI when he was 13 and an adult called him a 'Fat Pig' when he was swimming in the pool with a t-shirt as he was embarrassed about his weight.

Before anyone asks what I have done about it over the years? Everything. Regular swimming, bike rides, calorie counted for him, 2hr walks on mild evenings, home gym etc.

Food through his childhood very normal, mostly home cooked. The closest I ever got to 'junk' food was/is frozen pizzas or breaded chicken.

Today for example he had an iced coffee before College (not great, but he doesn't do breakfast atm!) He took in a ready made pasta salad to have for lunch, 1X low calorie crisps and 1lt of water. He has come home and I am cooking spicy chicken with a Jacket Pot and a mixed salad. He might have a bowl of 'Pudding Cereal' prior to bed.

Not the diet of a fat bastard, a neglectful mother or a multitude of other insults I have heard over the years.

Plus side, he has had a good bunch of mates since primary that seem to love him, always someone popping over to see him and a good social life. He doesnt need to be reminded or judged by strangers he is overweight. He knows. He's trying.

This is a brilliant post, thank you for sharing. It's really really heartening to read he has great mates and by the sounds of it you're a great mum supporting him.

Regarding poverty (again) it doesn't have to make kids fat if they're not overfed and they get enough exercise. Otherwise every child from a poor background would be overweight - yet they're not.

@RishiRich

I did judge, right up until my own DD became overweight. She does heaps of exercise but will. not. stop. eating. I don't have junk food in the house but she will eat anything and just keep going. I don't get her go to the shop because she will buy heaps of sweets and eat the lot. She's on packed lunches because the school would allow her to have seconds and thirds. Her dad feeds her KFC, chocolate and sweets every time he sees her.

She has visible rolls of fat on her back and feels self-conscious. I asked the school nurse (a central service now) for help but there's nothing available. In the meantime, she has swimming, dance or a fitness class every day, a trampoline in the garden and we feed her child-sized portions at mealtimes.

I feel judged because I would judge me. I do judge me. It's not for want of trying though.

This must be so stressful, you're doing such a brilliant job and I really hope you get to the bottom of whatever issue there might be x

@LexMitior

Only if the parents are overweight also- then you know the source of the problem is them. If they can't manage their own eating and fail to do the same for the child, its pretty unfair to imagine the child will all by themselves.

While I try not to judge, I find it difficult in situations like this. Where I know someone's situation personally and it's not a health issue and I know that despite their own experiences the parents make no effort to ensure that their child is living an active healthy lifestyle. Seeing a 7 year old struggle to keep up with their friends and possibly condemned to life of health issues is quite sad really.

I judge poor diets rather than overweight kids. My son has a friend who is getting progressively more and more overweight in the years we’ve known him but I see what he is fed and it’s hardly surprising.

Poverty is an issue to a point, but a full-fat coke and iced donut isn’t a cheap after school snack.

Depends if I see evidence. I helped on a school trip once and an obese year 1 girl's lunchbox consisted of : A Nutella sandwich (despite no nut policy), a snickers (ditto), orange juice and crisps. I did judge her parents

I judge without shame. It's disgusting when an adult buys and eats junk and does no exercise and ends up with health problems that the good old health service has to mop up, and potentially leaving them vulnerable to covid too so we healthy people all have to shield them, but to allow a child to get fat is unforgivable. YOU buy the junk as the parent, YOU allow screens, YOU allow TV, YOU are to blame.

I don't judge anyone except parents who are setting up their children for a lifetime of sleep issues because 'they just won't sleep' and 'I've tried everything'.

Oh wait, that's not the parents fault at all, it's just that all children are different.

There's no difference in either scenario. Some children will be overweight regardless of what their parents do or don't do, some children will be skinny, some will have eating disorders, some will be fussy, some will just love eating. If only life were as simple as 'just do....[whatever] and magically the food (or sleep) issues will resolve themselves.

Both my boys have had periods of being heavier or lighter than others. They had healthy home cooked food and a decent diet with lots of exercise and regular team sports, it made no difference to their bodies. Now they are young men and whilst the oldest tends to put on weight very easily (as shown during lockdown) the younger one doesn't struggle to maintain his weight at all. It's not my fault that my older son puts on weight quicker than his brother, he just does.

No one knows the reasons behind someone's lifestyle and judging anyone isn't helpful at all. Just concentrate on your own family and make sure you are doing the best for them that you are able.

And I hope all you judgmental people are able to be supportive to your children/teens if they ever put weight on without the scathing comments you have made on this thread.

I don't know if judge is the right word. I place responsibility for an obese child at the parents' feet.

I was a fat kid and my childhood was awful. My parents gave me huge portions and too much crap and when you are a young child you really need parents to look after your health.

My dad was fat too and my mum was and is borderline anorexic and a feeder. She'd give us all the crap she would never eat herself. It was all kinds of fucked up.

I was a fat child, became a fat teenager, developed a load of MH issues and started binge eating. Etc etc.

I'm now 48 and still fat and although as an adult the responsibility for my weight is mine and mine alone, what my parents did during my childhood set me up for a lifetime of problems that are fucking hard to overcome.

Do I blame them for the fat adult I am? No. That's on me

But I 100% blame them for the fat child I was. For not feeding me a healthy diet. For giving me a large amount of junk food. For giving me adult portions, approval for clearing my plate and the "starving children in Africa" line if I wasted food.

@LexMitior she doesn't sound like "pure evil" to me, just damaged and suffering from disordered thinking. It says a lot that you think having "all the money in the world" somehow makes up for that.

I can see that you're quite happy with your judgemental attitude and not willing to engage with having it challenged. Personally I prefer to be a bit more open-minded and meet other people's difficulties with compassion, not condemnation.

@Mariposista

I judge without shame. It's disgusting when an adult buys and eats junk and does no exercise and ends up with health problems that the good old health service has to mop up, and potentially leaving them vulnerable to covid too so we healthy people all have to shield them, but to allow a child to get fat is unforgivable. YOU buy the junk as the parent, YOU allow screens, YOU allow TV, YOU are to blame.

171 comments in before someone mentioned covid, is that a record? 🧐

I was grotesquely overweight as a child. Constantly bullied at school, my own extended family mocked me.
I ate what I was given.

So, who else to blame other than the stupid bitch DM that fed me?