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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

893 replies

PaddleBoardingMomma · 07/02/2022 17:24

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

OP posts:
KittensTeaAndCake · 09/02/2022 17:32

Also, would you feel sad for the underweight kids? What size or shape do you consider to be a happy healthy kid that you needn't feel sad for???

I feel sorry for any kid who gets left out because of what they look like, yes.

IzzyD0ra · 09/02/2022 17:38

My young child is overweight, but she unfortunately has the fat gene coming at her from both ends, she eats a very healthy and varied diet, as do I. We also walk, alot, and swim and dance, she also has a big appetite, as do I. I have struggled all my life with my weight.. however, we have good, happy lives and are healthy enough to not have any illness or ailments etc... But it's good to know there's mums like yourself out there at the school gates secretly judging us behind our backs

Wow. So you know your daughter is overweight but refuse to do anything about it because..fat gene? You've struggled with your weight so why don't you want to prevent your daughter from suffering the same? If she's overweight it's because she is consuming more calories than she needs.

Canaloha · 09/02/2022 18:03

@MissMaple82

My young child is overweight, but she unfortunately has the fat gene coming at her from both ends, she eats a very healthy and varied diet, as do I. We also walk, alot, and swim and dance, she also has a big appetite, as do I. I have struggled all my life with my weight.. however, we have good, happy lives and are healthy enough to not have any illness or ailments etc... But it's good to know there's mums like yourself out there at the school gates secretly judging us behind our backs.
No she doesn't, she is eating too much or not active enough, things like 'fat gene' are what people said to me and it made me feel hopeless like I was destined to be fat and couldn't change it.
Blackmagicqueen · 09/02/2022 18:07

"We also walk, alot, and swim and dance, she also has a big appetite, as do I.,"

Than you have to shrink your appetite by controlling portion size and the amount of calories you both eat per day. This isn't an excuse to overfeed your child.

CHIRIBAYA · 09/02/2022 18:10

No I don't. While there is of course, a place for parental responsibility, our culture and in particular our food culture is geared towards convenience and profit for a very powerful food lobby. We are bombarded from birth by processed food, junk and foods with fat/sugar ratios highly detrimental to our health. Go into any supermarket and it will be predominantly processed foods on the shelves. Cooking healthy food also takes time. Not just the cooking of it but the planning, purchasing and packing; it can be hard to find the energy and focus when you are constantly stressed and busy and once again, modern life is organised to generate ongoing stress -obesity is recognised as having a correlation with inflammation, i.e stress. We also live hugely sedentary lives. Our environments are geared up to driving, we send kids off to school to have them sit down for most of the day and then often parked up at home in front of screens; they do not enjoy the freedoms that people from earlier generations enjoyed. So I would say we need to look at our environment and attend to that before we blame and judge individuals.

anon12345678901 · 09/02/2022 18:12

@IzzyD0ra

My young child is overweight, but she unfortunately has the fat gene coming at her from both ends, she eats a very healthy and varied diet, as do I. We also walk, alot, and swim and dance, she also has a big appetite, as do I. I have struggled all my life with my weight.. however, we have good, happy lives and are healthy enough to not have any illness or ailments etc... But it's good to know there's mums like yourself out there at the school gates secretly judging us behind our backs

Wow. So you know your daughter is overweight but refuse to do anything about it because..fat gene? You've struggled with your weight so why don't you want to prevent your daughter from suffering the same? If she's overweight it's because she is consuming more calories than she needs.

IMO that's really poor parenting. To know your child is overweight from over eating and just brush it off.
Ottolin3 · 09/02/2022 18:13

@MrsSkylerWhite

With healthy, nutritious food becoming increasingly out of the reach, this will become more commonplace.
How is it out of reach? This is completely untrue!
Ottolin3 · 09/02/2022 18:15

I am 30 and this is not what I ate, and not remotely normal for any child i grew up with to eat!

Canaloha · 09/02/2022 18:16

A lot of healthy ingredients are cheaper than ever though, the issue is a lot of junk food is also cheap but quicker and easier to cook as well.

Puffalicious · 09/02/2022 18:17

@Blackmagicqueen

"We also walk, alot, and swim and dance, she also has a big appetite, as do I.,"

Than you have to shrink your appetite by controlling portion size and the amount of calories you both eat per day. This isn't an excuse to overfeed your child.

This.

You're both consuming too many calories, you can't surely just give in to the fact that you have a 'big appetite'. I would love to eat 2 pieces of salmon with twice as many potatoes and broccoli, but at 400 calories a salmon piece I just ate one with a few potatoes and plenty veg. I'm 50 and my weight slowly crept on over the past 5 years. I've lost 2 stone and have 1 to go. It seems that these days I can't eat very much at all (1100ish calories) if I want to lose weight and 1500ish to maintain. I'd need to do lots of exercise every day to up the calories significantly.

I judge, I do. There's a young girl- about 10-11, I see at the gate who is significantly overweight. Her mum is her exact shape but a much bigger, adult version. I judge, I definitely do as that young girl will struggle: perhaps with exercise, or appearance issues or, perhaps, bullying.

Puffalicious · 09/02/2022 18:22

CHIRIBAYA We have self-determination! We're not a mindless, homogenous lump: we can look at our environment and make our own decisions. There's loads of healthy eating/ living/ cooking taught in secondary schools, the simple fact is that adults choose what they eat, the kids have little control and it's not fair on them.

Drinkyourweaklemondrink · 09/02/2022 18:28

Even though I try to take into consideration any medical issues, it's hard to not judge the parents of children who are very overweight.
One child I know would regularly rock up eating a king sized mars bar at 8.35am

I do really feel for some as lockdown really affected the health of many children.

KittensTeaAndCake · 09/02/2022 18:28

I have struggled all my life with my weight.. however, we have good, happy lives and are healthy enough to not have any illness or ailments etc...

You may both be in fine fettle now but who knows how long that will last? How can you keep giving your young DD so much food because she 'has a big appetite' knowing she is overweight and that you're storing up health problems for her future? I don't get it.

Giraffesandbottoms · 09/02/2022 18:36

With healthy, nutritious food becoming increasingly out of the reach

What a load of shit.

And yes, children who are underweight with no medical conditions are just as bad. I stopped being friends with someone with a daughter who was at 1%, couldn’t be fucked to see a doctor thought it was “lucky” her 2 year old was so thin and thought a bucket of chocolate buttons was a great way to fatten her up. I think that’s more unusual though.

Blackmagicqueen · 09/02/2022 18:40

'18:28KittensTeaAndCake
I have struggled all my life with my weight.. however, we have good, happy lives and are healthy enough to not have any illness or ailments etc...'

'You may both be in fine fettle now but who knows how long that will last? How can you keep giving your young DD so much food because she 'has a big appetite' knowing she is overweight and that you're storing up health problems for her future? I don't get it.'

Exactly this ^
And the risk of type 2 diabetes in later life will be greatly increased. Also more likelihood of joint issues etc. You can't just say 'oh I'm fat but healthy' as that is shorterm and ignorant of increased risk of future issues.

5128gap · 09/02/2022 18:55

@Ottolin3

I am 30 and this is not what I ate, and not remotely normal for any child i grew up with to eat!
Well clearly I haven't outed myself as your mum then! Smile
Ottolin3 · 09/02/2022 19:15

Sounds like extremely lazy parenting to me

5128gap · 09/02/2022 19:20

@Ottolin3

Sounds like extremely lazy parenting to me
It wasn't.
KittensTeaAndCake · 09/02/2022 19:22

@Giraffesandbottoms

With healthy, nutritious food becoming increasingly out of the reach

What a load of shit.

And yes, children who are underweight with no medical conditions are just as bad. I stopped being friends with someone with a daughter who was at 1%, couldn’t be fucked to see a doctor thought it was “lucky” her 2 year old was so thin and thought a bucket of chocolate buttons was a great way to fatten her up. I think that’s more unusual though.

Yeah what is it with the healthy food is too expensive shite? No one's believing that nonsense are they? When you can get a bag of carrots for 40p, pasta for 20p, and tinned tomatoes for 28p. Oh but it's too expensive to cook it (even though they manage to cook the pizza, burgers and nuggets just fine). An individual banana is 14p in Tesco but some people prefer to give their kid a share bag of skittles for £1 instead.

It's just excuses.

Ottolin3 · 09/02/2022 19:30

How is feeding your child chicken nuggets, chips and beans not lazy! There is zero nutritional value to any of the meals you stated in your previous post.

Ottolin3 · 09/02/2022 19:32

‘coco pops, cheese sandwich on white bread with crisps and a mini roll, an apple that was brought home untouched, then chicken nuggets chips and beans for tea’ 🤯🤯🤯🤯

I feel sorry for your children!

BaconAndAvocado · 09/02/2022 19:48

I probably would judge if the parents were huge too.
As many have commented, adults can make choices about what they put in their mouths but their children can’t.
Very sad.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 09/02/2022 19:48

Initially I do judge, yes, but I also try to remind myself that there could be a medical reason behind it and to not be so judgey. I would keep my opinions to myself though.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/02/2022 20:13

"I was a parent nearly 30 years ago. A typical days diet for my DC was coco pops, cheese sandwich on white bread with crisps and a mini roll, an apple that was brought home untouched, then chicken nuggets chips and beans for tea. Pretty much what every other DC ate too. We went almost everywhere by car, and had just stopped letting children play out much, after some fairly high profile child abductions. Few children hadn't had their first happy meal by the age of two. I'm sure that's not everyone's experience of parenting at that time, but i readily admit it was mine, and that of my circle. And you're right, kids weren't as overweight as they are now, despite what you'd no doubt consider some pretty poor parenting by today's standard"

I'm in my 40s and this was definitely how we eat when I was growing up. The only ones of my friends who didn't eat like this were the children of a doctor and a nurse and we thought those parents were cruel not giving them easy access to sweets.
The reason why we weren't overweight was the portion sizes I think. We didn't eat very healthily, but we weren't overeating as well.

Meatshake · 09/02/2022 20:19

I used to until my nephew got a catastrophic form of epilepsy as a young baby. He had to go on drugs which made him absolutely balloon in size until recently. They also reduced his muscle tone giving him a lower than average BMR, while also making him ravenously hungry. He has brain damage relating to the epilepsy which hit during his very formative months while he was learning how to eat, as such he has a limited diet because he doesn't recognise most foods as food.

He's 7 now and I'm thankfully recovered well mentally but those physical effects of medication will stay with him for life. Looking at him he looks completely normal when playing with his friends you'd never be able to tell. Except he is fat.

That's why I don't judge any more, you've got no idea what someone has been through.