To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

I do think you have a responsibility to make sure that your children are as healthy as they can be but no parent is perfect.
There are plenty of parents who don't hear their children read, don't engage with plans to support children's behaviour and don't spend time with them. This is easily brushed aside as a result of working hard and being very busy......but God forbid they are fat!
I have two slim kids. One is slim despite eating everything she sees. It takes a lot of parenting energy to keep the other slim because of her love of delicious foods, her motivation to be in involved with food and her body type.

[quote PleasantBirthday]@Satingreenshutters, I agree with the substance of what you're saying but your tone is very offputting and actually I feel my hackles rise when I'm reading it. Instinctively, I find it hard to agree because it's so strident and unkind. While not everyone has medical issues that affect their weight, people can have all kinds of problems that we may not know about. They may not, they may be as bad and awful as you are saying.

However, all of us have weaknesses and blind spots. All of us are only human and all of us are trying to cope in various ways.[/quote]
I am not trying to be unkind. I am being blunt. I have posted a lot on this thread and the same old excuses keep being churned out.

Yes we are all human and we all struggle with parenthood, it's hard. It's bloody hard. Am I the best mother in the world? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Have I made mistakes? You better believe it.

The point I am trying to make is that medical issues do not come into it. That is for another thread. THIS thread is about parent feeding their children shite and the kids getting fat and the parents denying it, ignoring it, excusing it and allowing it.

Kids do not get fat for nothing. Kids do not become overweight with no medical issues. Kids are not meant to be fat. Kids are not meant to eat a fully processed diet and a load of junk on top.

The crux of this is not about blame, it is about awareness. These children will grow up to be fat teengers and in turn become even fatter adults and then have kids of their own who will become fat because they know no other way of eating. Fruit and vegetables are foreign objects, as we saw with Jamie Oliver, some kids can't even name them. There are such repercussions with letting a child get overweight and doing nothing. It is such a disservice to them. Setting them up for a life of obesity and problems. That is what I cannot get my head around. How you can willingly allow a child to get fat, do nothing and know what problems lie ahead for them, what disadvantages and stumbling blocks. It's all so avoidable and if it has become a problem it is changeable but a lot of parents don't want to change their own diet so won't make an effort to do it for the kids. So everyone stays fat.

@LimeSegment

OP what do you say to the many people on here, including me, that are aware of the issue and follow all the "rules" (healthy home cooking, no beige oven foods, no snacks, no treats, water only to drink, hours of exercise daily, no screen time) and have one overweight dc and one or more normal/thin dc. Do you think we are abusing that dc alone? Do you think we force food down that one kids throat, but give salads to the other? Do you think we take thin dc out for a bike ride and leave fat dc at home alone?

I am not critisizing you for starting the thread, I totally agree it's such an important issue. And of course I know my kid isn't outside the laws of physics. But it's just so tough, you know.

I don't know anyone else who doesn't allow their kids snacks, or bread, or restricts milk to 100ml of skim per day. I do, but my kid is overweight.

Well I'm not a medical professional but I would say that it what you are stating is true, then you need to consult a GP because the basic facts are that if a child is receiving a balanced diet and encouraged to keep active as you say provide then there must be an underlying issue for them to continue to gain weight.

As I say, @Satingreenshutters, I completely understand your point and largely agree with it. I suppose my issue is that maybe I'm just an oppositional person and the tone makes me instinctively hostile to the substance.

I'm not sure that bluntness helps people to change because I think that the lifestyles you describe could possibly be mental health issues, people self medicating with food who are really depressed and I think the tendency to try and prod or provoke people to change terrible habits without any coping mechanism or support for the underlying issues isn't ultimately helpful.

Yes, sorry.

A balanced, nutritious diet and plenty of exercise is vital for children. Letting them over/eat or serving big portions or fatty desserts does them a life long disservice.

@PleasantBirthday

As I say, *@Satingreenshutters*, I completely understand your point and largely agree with it. I suppose my issue is that maybe I'm just an oppositional person and the tone makes me instinctively hostile to the substance.

I'm not sure that bluntness helps people to change because I think that the lifestyles you describe could possibly be mental health issues, people self medicating with food who are really depressed and I think the tendency to try and prod or provoke people to change terrible habits without any coping mechanism or support for the underlying issues isn't ultimately helpful.

I understand what you are saying, I was nicer in my other posts lol, I am just getting frustrated.

Even just the acceptance that there is a problem though is key. The doing something about it comes after, with or without help but the blatant ignoring it and setting a child up for all kinds of problems is what gets my goat. The denial.

As much as some people like to reduce weight to "too much food = fat", it's more complex than that. Weight is impacted by caloric intake, yes, but also hormone regulation, genetics, socioeconomic status.

Everyone on my mum's side of the family is fat. Before even getting to the genetics of weight, there's a large psychological component; every single family member has yo-yoed in weight their entire life, on constant diets, in and out of slimming groups, etc. My mum perpetuated the cycle with me, monitoring my food and attaching SO MUCH emotion and guilt to it. She sent mixed signals by shaming me for asking for a piece of fruit between meals, but then I'd find empty containers in the bin from the Chinese takeaway she had eaten while I was in bed.

I was 10 stone (and 5' 5, same as I am now) at 12 years old. Hilariously, I have never been anywhere near 10 stone again in my entire life - the closest I ever got was 12 stone in 2017, which I achieved through overexercising and starving myself for months.

I have always gained weight at the drop of a hat so when I was a child and people saw my chunky frame standing next to my slim friends, they had no idea that I ate a similar diet to them (packed lunch every day, few snacks, rarely a takeaway), I cycled everywhere, rode horses, did gymnastics and karate, spent my time running around the beach and climbing trees with my friend. There was no obvious reason that I was fatter than them, not until I started becoming really aware of "bad" food (in my mother's eyes) and binge eating in secret as a teenager.

The magic fat kid who doesn't have a medical issue, eats healthy sized portions of home cooked food and does the appropriate level of exercise.

Hmm.

Yes. There's an epidemic of them that didn't exist 30 years ago.

Snacks have a lot to answer for.

@RedToothBrush

The magic fat kid who doesn't have a medical issue, eats healthy sized portions of home cooked food and does the appropriate level of exercise.

Hmm.

Yes. There's an epidemic of them that didn't exist 30 years ago.

Snacks have a lot to answer for.

Bang on.

We live in an obesogenic environment. If adults struggle with weight what hope do children have?

Even just the acceptance that there is a problem though is key. The doing something about it comes after, with or without help but the blatant ignoring it and setting a child up for all kinds of problems is what gets my goat. The denial.

It is frustrating. It is. And it's damaging and I believe a form of child abuse. I feel the same way when I people smoking around their children too (and several other things!). But I don't - can't - believe that people think it's honestly OK. I think they feel powerless and hopeless and don't believe that they personally can change anything in their lives and it troubles me that so many people feel so powerless in their own lives and in the lives of their children.

There is something very wrong with how society operates in general.

@RedToothBrush

30 years ago, kids weren't as overweight as they are now.

I do not believe that there are more kids with medical issues or bad genes in that time frame.

Its lifestyle, parenting and fucking shit excuses.

I was a parent nearly 30 years ago. A typical days diet for my DC was coco pops, cheese sandwich on white bread with crisps and a mini roll, an apple that was brought home untouched, then chicken nuggets chips and beans for tea. Pretty much what every other DC ate too. We went almost everywhere by car, and had just stopped letting children play out much, after some fairly high profile child abductions. Few children hadn't had their first happy meal by the age of two. I'm sure that's not everyone's experience of parenting at that time, but i readily admit it was mine, and that of my circle. And you're right, kids weren't as overweight as they are now, despite what you'd no doubt consider some pretty poor parenting by today's standards. So, I don't know what the issue is, but its certainly not as straightforward as harking back three decades to some golden age of excellent nutrition that didn't exist.

I agree with the above post, my childhood had fishfingers in it, shop bought pie all with veg but sometimes chips rather than potatoes, jacket potato and there was a point when stuffed pasta started to be sold in supermarkets that we seemed to live off this. My mum was fairly formal about meals so always at the table, usually veg or salad in a serving dish in the middle to help yourselves but that often meant not helping myself to much veg! We always had a dessert and yet we were thin. My DCs diet is more interesting so I will cook stuff like Thai curry or seafood pasta dishes basically more variety but they do also have junk and snacks as my teenager is always hungry! He will also eat stuff out and about that is not great for him. Despite this they are both very thin. I do think other environmental factors must come in to play as I know what my DC eat and it doesn't include Kale smoothies. I would say often my dishes from scratch ar never finished. Thw other night my DD described it as looking like slugs on a plate. After the rejection there is no dinner 2 but later she will eat things like buttered crumpets, cheese straws, chocolate biscuits so there isn't a calorie deficit of sorts.

I do judge. Not in a "you terrible parent" way, but in an "ahh, that's why" sort of way. My son's mate knocks for him to walk to school every morning. He lives a mile away from us and he is just getting fatter and fatter. He was a stocky lad anyway, but now he actually waddles and his neck rolls over and partially obscures the knot on his school tie. Noticed a few days ago that his mum drops him off at the end of our road rather than him walking and my son told me that this lad always has MASSIVE bags of pick and mix sweets with him and all he ever eats is sweets or pizza. His mum is the manager of a local cinema, skinny as a rake, but literally gives her son over a pound of pure sugar to take to school for a snack every day. We're on a chat group together. She shares that he eats no fruit or veg, he refuses. He eats pizza, chips, those sweets which she doesn't mention in chat, and occasionally some lasagne. That's it.

Its easy to forget just how unusual it was to be overweight 40 years ago. It has been totally normalised in the UK, but I remember the jokes about the Americans and the Germans. Augustus Gloop as the boy who could not stop eating and was punished.

You see other new problems too - eating out is one.The portion sizes are bigger and bigger. People actually eat all of what is on their plate; that's likely to much more than you need. What is the purpose of these places?

Get you fat, you will come back.

That is literally the business model of McDonalds, dunkin donuts, KFC et al. They know. They know that most of their business comes from repeat customers. Not a few people that have takeaway as a treat. Regular customers of these places end up with fatty livers, like foie gras. No you can't see it but it is inside you. It exploits people but once you know about it fast food should be shunned. Its designed to exploit people, really.

Its also not just McDonalds; other chains do this. Look at Zizzi, Pizza Express, Gourmet Burger Kitchen, Nandos. If you look at portions they are big. Too big. And "good value" which means a lot of carbs for you and a lot of profit for them.

Yes they will talk about a "range of options" and a balanced diet but of course, they make the most money from the high fat, high carb, high sugar stuff.

These places are designed subtly for you to eat more and more - even perhaps a nice big chair for you so you don't feel uncomfortable. And yet maybe as an adult its not bad to feel a little uncomfortable, perhaps so that you change and get healthier? For the children's benefit?

Haven't RTFT but has "having big bones" been used as an excuse yet?

@MingeofDeath. I’m not sure after 31 pages. But, I will say that some people are naturally more “well covered” than others, even when eating healthily and exercising regularly. My DD has always had more padding than bony old me, for example, despite being a school athlete and very health conscious food-wise. She’s a voluptuous hourglass and not overweight at all, but I’m a slighter build.

I’d say I eat worse then she does as I enjoy wine calories, whereas she’s teetotal and drinks lots of water.

I would rather my child played with the difficult sen kid with the parents who cared than the fat kid whose mum is in complete denial of a fairly obvious problem (which you can see manifesting in numerous ways and causing the child multiple issues).

That's not nice. I feel really sorry for the fat kids, why wouldn't you want your DC playing with them? It's not their fault.

You have absolutely no idea about the home life or history or genetics regarding why they may be overweight so yeah you're a judgmental #$@% ... Also, would you feel sad for the underweight kids? What size or shape do you consider to be a happy healthy kid that you needn't feel sad for???

I was a parent nearly 30 years ago. A typical days diet for my DC was coco pops, cheese sandwich on white bread with crisps and a mini roll, an apple that was brought home untouched, then chicken nuggets chips and beans for tea. Pretty much what every other DC ate too. We went almost everywhere by car, and had just stopped letting children play out much, after some fairly high profile child abductions. Few children hadn't had their first happy meal by the age of two. I'm sure that's not everyone's experience of parenting at that time, but i readily admit it was mine, and that of my circle. And you're right, kids weren't as overweight as they are now, despite what you'd no doubt consider some pretty poor parenting by today's standards. So, I don't know what the issue is, but its certainly not as straightforward as harking back three decades to some golden age of excellent nutrition that didn't exist.

This is true but the 80’s were the start of that sort of diet. 30 years ago would be early 90’s and even then food wasn’t available like it is now.. The supermarkets weren’t 24 hours or even open late. There were less people and less families in urban centres.Kids might have been fed rubbish but it was limited.
Sharing bags size wasn’t a thing.
Take away deliveries weren’t a thing.
It was rare to find people drinking Coke by the litre everyday.
At the end of the 80’s there were 300 MacDonalds, 900 at the the end of the 90’s and today there are 1,270. That’s a lot more kids and a lot more consumption.

My young child is overweight, but she unfortunately has the fat gene coming at her from both ends, she eats a very healthy and varied diet, as do I. We also walk, alot, and swim and dance, she also has a big appetite, as do I. I have struggled all my life with my weight.. however, we have good, happy lives and are healthy enough to not have any illness or ailments etc... But it's good to know there's mums like yourself out there at the school gates secretly judging us behind our backs.

@RedToothBrush

Generally speaking when it comes to your own kids class, you know the parents who are uninterested dicks and the ones who are engaged and involved with their kids.

Kids who are SEN you know. You also know whether the parents are the type who doing whatever they can, or whether they cannot be arsed.

I don't think its hard to spot.

Where I've judged is when Ive known over a period of time, how much of a dick the said parent is. I would rather my child played with the difficult sen kid with the parents who cared than the fat kid whose mum is in complete denial of a fairly obvious problem (which you can see manifesting in numerous ways and causing the child multiple issues). Why? Because its not what the kid is thats the issue, its whether the parents are taking appropriate steps and trying to help their kid in the best possible way. Its the neglect / denialism that I take particular issue with. Not beige food etc. Not with being fat alone.

Its about the attitude that goes with it...

I would agree you often have a good idea what's going on.

But I'm not sure the line's always around parents trying or now.

My daughter's friend is overweight, and her parents are very much so. It affects their health. They are nice people and adore their daughter. They don't really cook at all, they mostly eat microwave food. Both hate cooking and don't seem to have any desire for nicer food.

For whatever reason they don't seem able to grapple with eating healthily or even just a little more moderately. They aren't neglectful in any ordinary sense. They aren't overly intelligent but are aware of what others consider healthy eating.

I tend to think that when healthy eating is work that you have to learn to do, there will be a good number of people who don't. It has to be easy and normative. It's always weird when you look at old beach photos from the 50s or kids in playgrounds etc. There are no fat kids and few if no fat adults - possibly some older women but they are as likely to be very thin. To me that says that there has been a change in the environment around eating and also physical activity.

I tend to think that when healthy eating is work that you have to learn to do, there will be a good number of people who don't. It has to be easy and normative.

What you are saying there, which won't go down well, is that some fst people are simply just lazy.

I think there is a reality, that staying thin and/or eating healthy (as the two are not necessarily the same) requires effort and self discipline at some level, even if its to turn down a biscuit when offered at work or to think about what you eat better.

The abundance of choice isn't necessarily one thats good for people.