To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

Those commenting about being in their 40s and everyone ate like that- no they didn't. I've just turned 50 and in my working class house we had home cooked food every night with lots of vegetables; fruit always available and limited snacks. I didn't know what a takeaway was until I was in my teens.

My own DC are 17, 15 and 10 and none of them had McDonald's or any other fast food before they started school. We've always gonr to local cafes instead. DC1 was invited to a party age 6 and didn't realise McDs was a thing, just thought it was a cafe. None of them to this day would touch a nugget.

It IS poor parenting. Ingredients for soup cost very little and fills kids up at any time of the day. Pastas/ rice dishes are very economical, esp.if vegetarian.

No not everyone ate Coco Pops and McDonalds and mini rolls. My mother cooked food. So I do I now. Seriously, don't claim its a generational thing to eat stuff like this - its a choice. One that you don't have to make on behalf your kids. But its on you if you do.

This gets me really annoyed. My Dd was a bit chubby aged 7. Turned out she was building up for puberty which arrived aged 10. She's now 13 and very slim.

DS is 10. He genuinely eats a good diet. DH used to be a chef. 95% of our meals are home cooked. Snacks on fruit etc. He also plays academy level and grassroots football at least 5 days a week. Cycles to and from school. Active with friends etc. yet he remains chubby. I think he has my metabolism which is rubbish. It's so unfair. What more can we do?! I'm just hoping he doing same as Dd and will shoot up. He is tall for his age (he's a goalkeeper). DH and I are both short but there is a tall gene in the family (and a relative used to be the welsh and Leeds goalkeeper.

Think Wayne Rooney type chubby (did you know Wayne Rooney wa Everton's academy goalie till he was 16!)

"Those commenting about being in their 40s and everyone ate like that- no they didn't. I've just turned 50 and in my working class house we had home cooked food every night with lots of vegetables; fruit always available and limited snacks. I didn't know what a takeaway was until I was in my teens."

Nobody said everyone did. We were talking about everyone we knew. explained it was everyone except one family that I knew.

No I don’t. I havd two children (half siblings) - one has always been rake thin and the other bordering on overweight (the other parent has always been on thd chubby side) . I worry and do my best, but they live 50% of the time eith the other parent who rarely takes dc2 out anywhere, getting dc2 to exercise is nigh on impossible without tears and meltdowns, we’ve never lived in school catchment so friendships have been nigh in non existent.

And in that basis I ding judge - you have zero idea what’s going on snd surely you've got enough going on in your own life?

Think Wayne Rooney type chubby (did you know Wayne Rooney wa Everton's academy goalie till he was 16!)

Errr Wayne Rooney has been pulled up on being overweight during his career and how its been a problem...

DS is 10. He genuinely eats a good diet. DH used to be a chef. 95% of our meals are home cooked. Snacks on fruit etc

Just because his meals are home cooked and snacks he snacks in fruits does not mean your son isn't consuming too many calories for his needs.

Cut the portion sizes, snack (if a snack really is necessary) on vegetables.

I am 50 from a w/c family. My dm was an excellent cook and I had FSM. We had healthy home cooked food at home but school not so much. In Primary you weren't allowed to leave anything even pudding but at least it was balanced. In secondary it was a vile cash cafeteria. All hamburger and chips etc. I wasn't overweight though but than we rarely had money for snacks etc. Very occasionally we would have 2OZ of sweets

@Ottolin3

‘coco pops, cheese sandwich on white bread with crisps and a mini roll, an apple that was brought home untouched, then chicken nuggets chips and beans for tea’ 🤯🤯🤯🤯

I feel sorry for your children!

There are only two people whose opinion on my parenting I am remotely interested in. Yours isn't one of them. However if you feel your comparatively recent experience gives you the authority to judge something I have already successfully completed, then at least it means you may be leaving the women who are doing it now alone for a time.

@LexMitior

No not everyone ate Coco Pops and McDonalds and mini rolls. My mother cooked food. So I do I now. Seriously, don't claim its a generational thing to eat stuff like this - its a choice. One that you don't have to make on behalf your kids. But its on you if you do.

You have your lived experience, I have mine. I stated in my post that not everyone will have experienced the same. I gave an account of the diet of my children and those of our peers at the time. It was almost 30 years ago and things were different for some of us then. I could go into details about the reasons that may have been, but it would appear defensive, and truth be told, when I consider the outcome, two strong healthy adult DC who have been slim fit and athletic all their lives, with less than average illness, who now make physically and mentally healthy dietary choices, I feel it is somewhat irrelevant. That said, I do think the root of the current eating patterns lies with my generation of parents. The plethora of advice on diet and the almost obsessional concern with what children eat was not a feature in the past. While people ate home cooked meals, this didn't matter as they would be fairly healthy by default. With the rise in unhealthy options and an absence of the education available today, habits were set in motion that have cascaded down the generations.

Yes I do. The parents are setting them up to a life of hardship, plus don’t have a child if you’re just gonna feed it crap

@Ottolin3

How is feeding your child chicken nuggets, chips and beans not lazy! There is zero nutritional value to any of the meals you stated in your previous post.

You're not a nutritionalist then I take it? You do understand that if a child's diet has 'zero' nutrional value, they could not survive, never mind grow into healthy adulthood as my children and their peers have assuredly done? Of course it wasn't a great diet, that was my point, but really, there is no need for such dramatics.

The problem is the 'creep' on how portion sizes have increased over the years without us noticing and how snacks have been normalised.

We didn't used to have snacks in the house. We certainly didn't have them daily. Crisps were a treat. We didn't have snack at school.

Now, DS's school has a snacktime in the morning and kids can take in their own in the afternoon. This is used, partly as a pacifier to reduce difficult behaviour. Its normalising eating 5 times a day though.

The average person who is overweight is only eating a couple of hundred calories per day too much. But over the course of time that builds up. A hundred calories is literally one snack - a slice of toast, a packet of crisps or a small chocolate bar.

These are foods which are now being designed to be addictive too.

Once you wrap your head around the idea that being overweight can come from a single snack too many during the day, it does give you pause for thought.

The plethora of advice on diet and the almost obsessional concern with what children eat was not a feature in the past. While people ate home cooked meals, this didn't matter as they would be fairly healthy by default. With the rise in unhealthy options and an absence of the education available today, habits were set in motion that have cascaded down the generations

This is really interesting 5128gap Do you think that's why you chose the particular diet for your DC? 30 years ago is a different experience to my childhood 50/40 years ago, and to my own parenting, starting 17 years ago, so the ideas/ influences would have been very different.

@Puffalicious

The plethora of advice on diet and the almost obsessional concern with what children eat was not a feature in the past. While people ate home cooked meals, this didn't matter as they would be fairly healthy by default. With the rise in unhealthy options and an absence of the education available today, habits were set in motion that have cascaded down the generations

This is really interesting 5128gap Do you think that's why you chose the particular diet for your DC? 30 years ago is a different experience to my childhood 50/40 years ago, and to my own parenting, starting 17 years ago, so the ideas/ influences would have been very different.

Don't diet. Just don't snack constantly.

It would make a huge difference to the health of the country generally.

You don't need that biscuit. Refuse the office cake thats passed around at least once a week. Don't grab that tasty treat with your Costa or Starbucks. Etc, etc.

My diet was chips with everything in the 60's and 70's. Hardly any vegetables. But I was very skinny. I think due to no snacking, walking everywhere and playing outside for hours everyday. We had lots of freedom so used to cycle to parks miles away during the holidays from the age of 10. I didn't start putting on weight until I learned to drive in my 20's, discovered takeaways and snacking.

RedToothBrush
I completely agree with you re snacking.
Growing up in the 70s a packet of crisps was definitely a treat and eating the 3 standard meals a day was the norm.

"You don't need that biscuit. Refuse the office cake thats passed around at least once a week. Don't grab that tasty treat with your Costa or Starbucks. Etc, etc."

Total deprivation like that can lead to the opposite. These things are fine if not every day. My office doesn't have cake once a week, just birthdays, but even then a small piece of cake once a week is not what makes you fat.

@Gwenhwyfar

"You don't need that biscuit. Refuse the office cake thats passed around at least once a week. Don't grab that tasty treat with your Costa or Starbucks. Etc, etc."

Total deprivation like that can lead to the opposite. These things are fine if not every day. My office doesn't have cake once a week, just birthdays, but even then a small piece of cake once a week is not what makes you fat.

The trouble is that it is rarely 'once a week' thats the problem.

Its the normalisation and creep where its a biscuit today, cake tomorrow, oo i didn't have cake today therefore i can have a packet of crisps etc etc.

I'm 5' 1". If i look at how many calories I should have for me height /weight on a daily basis even with some exercise, I need below the 2000 recommendation for a woman. Thats a problem. If i eat 3 meals a day, there isn't really room for eating anything in between. With the best will in the world. Unless you are strict with yourself it will eventually catch up with you. Because you can't change reality as much as you go into denial about how a piece of cake doesn't make a difference.

You then look at the calorie count on any standard ready meal. Again, any woman below average size would have to either skip meals completely or not eat a whole portion. Thats harder than cutting out snacks. Especially because these products are designed to be moreish.

Now think about how this applies to 6 or 7 year olds. And how that sets up their understanding of food for life.

We need to be honest and transparent about this. None of the advise about diet, exercise, medical issues etc etc is relevant when you look at the cold hard numbers of what you actually stuff in your gob.

Most people vastly underestimate what they are eating too because of the lack of proper understanding of what a normal portion size is. Even simple things like the increase in the size of plates in the last 30 or 40 years has played tricks on our brain. If you have a 9inch plate you will put less on it. You will still feel full. If you have a 12 inch plate you feel like your plate is half empty for the same quantity and that tricks your brain into thinking you are still hungry.

I hate how supermarkets have large pouches and huge chocolate bars on deal plastered on ends of aisles. The smaller bars are much worse value so people end up getting the bigger bar or sharing pouch for a pound or whatever! Supermarkets aren't doing anything to help this country's obesity issue whatsoever. I remember being a child and the little bars being cheaper and the larger bars more expensive. There wasn't half as many bulk buy sweets as there is today which was a great thing.

@Puffalicious

The plethora of advice on diet and the almost obsessional concern with what children eat was not a feature in the past. While people ate home cooked meals, this didn't matter as they would be fairly healthy by default. With the rise in unhealthy options and an absence of the education available today, habits were set in motion that have cascaded down the generations

This is really interesting 5128gap Do you think that's why you chose the particular diet for your DC? 30 years ago is a different experience to my childhood 50/40 years ago, and to my own parenting, starting 17 years ago, so the ideas/ influences would have been very different.

I think there were various factors at play. Firstly, there was nowhere near the level of focus on the importance of healthy eating. Advice was pretty much to try to eat 5 a day, and certainly all the dire consequences of not eating healthily were not typically a part of our collective awareness. Secondly, obesity was not under the spotlight as it is today. I recall my major concern for DD being the opposite, that in the heroin chic days of the 90s, she didn't feel any pressure to under eat. DD was an extremely fussy eater, so I just followed my GPS advice when I raised concerns about the limited range of food she would consider, (with the alternative being she wouldn't eat at all) to 'give her what she fancies. If she'll have milk and orange juice, just give her whatever else she'll eat'. Thirdly, as I said, the food they ate were normal amongst their peers, and none of us gave it anywhere near the headspace parents do today. If our children weren't over or underweight and were well, we didn't see an issue. Certainly we weren't lazy. As people have pointed out, it's not much more effort to prepare healthy food than not. While I was making a white bread cheese sandwich I could have made a healthier one. I suppose the difference was we knew what our children would eat and what would end up wasted, and provided accordingly, as it simply didn't seem a huge issue.

I actually think the healthy eating thing is problematic for just the reasons you mention.

As long as you are burning through what you eat and you haven't got bloody scurvy or rickets, then its generally better than if you were 'eating healthy' but were significantly overweight.

The smaller bars are much worse value so people end up getting the bigger bar or sharing pouch for a pound or whatever!

It's only worse value if you can be confident you'll eke out the larger bar/pouch to save you buying several small bars in the long term. If you're going to eat the big bar in the same time frame you'd eat the small bar, it's not worse value.

If you go for the eking out route, a good tip is to portion it when you get home and put it in the freezer, so you won't end up having 'just one more piece'.

I think there's quite an interesting parallel at play with the gap between our attitudes to children's diets in the 90s when compared with today, and how the future may pan out. Ironically after our poor starts, we are now whole food vegans, and more and more people are starting to believe that this is the healthy and ethical choice. It makes me wonder if in another 30 years today's parents will be harshly judged by the current generation for their choice to feed their children animal products. This is not to start a discussion on the merits of veganism, but merely to highlight the changing priorities and opinions on diet throughout the ages, and that the advice you are following today was different from yesterday, and will likely be different again tomorrow.

@ClariceQuiff

The smaller bars are much worse value so people end up getting the bigger bar or sharing pouch for a pound or whatever!

It's only worse value if you can be confident you'll eke out the larger bar/pouch to save you buying several small bars in the long term. If you're going to eat the big bar in the same time frame you'd eat the small bar, it's not worse value.

If you go for the eking out route, a good tip is to portion it when you get home and put it in the freezer, so you won't end up having 'just one more piece'.

I currently have a massive box of Hotel Chocolat.

I got it for Christmas. Its one of my favourite gift which my inlaws have got me now for several years.

I think the normal mentality is to scoff the lot in a day or two. I've had to mentally make a conscious decision not to do that.

Instead, I've made a mental think to have one a day (to last through last years January/Feburary lockdown) or to encourage me to do a minimum daily exercise as I've got about a stone to lose atm (I've really struggled with motivation this year).

Its the 10th February. I still have half a box left. I am getting my nice treat, but I'm also not over doing it.

It does require you to make the effort and think about it though. You have to have will power.

Ultimately I think a lot of people just can't be fucked and would rather just eat the chocolates without thinking about it. For me though, its not just about the chocolates, its about doing something else positive whether it be for my mental health or for my physical health and to remove the guilt factor.

The bottomline here, is that our lifestyle and the fact we no longer do huge amounts of physical labour nor walking means we HAVE to think about it. We don't have a choice, if you don't want it to affect your health.

If you want a piece of cake daily, then you need to think about how you make allowances to do that - you ultimately have to give up something else to do it, whether it be to do an hours intensive exercise or to skip another meal or have another restricted calorie meal. Its not a 'no cost' equation.