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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

893 replies

PaddleBoardingMomma · 07/02/2022 17:24

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/02/2022 09:14

Even fussy eaters must have been introduced to junk for that to be what they restrict their diet to. I.e. "he will only eat waffles, beans and nuggets" just makes me think why the hell did he ever get fed that in the first place.

Ds was seriously underweight before he had his tube fitted. Too right in introduced him to “junk” food when his diet got so restricted. When your child would rather starve that eat then you feed them what’s needed.

Orally now Ds lives on apples, one type of ice cream and ready salted crisps!

ReadySteadyTwins · 09/02/2022 09:23

@Tynetime

Yes I do judge I’m afraid. It is a terrible start in life for the child to be overweight and I would judge the parent to be lazy and stupid and would guess that they and the rest of the family are overweight themselves. There is no excuse these days to be ignorant on how to feed your kids a healthy diet, though I do think it is harder ( but not impossible) for poorer families to do so. Wow. Just wow. Try living the life o a SEN parent whose children have SEN related food issues and come back and say how lazy and stupid we are. Incidentally not all my kids are overweight and I was a normal weight iuntil my SEN child's wheel jfell off and was so mentally ill they could barely leave the house.
This repetition is tedious.

There's a class of 30. 15 are overweight. 3 have a condition/diagnosis which cause their extra weight. The other 12 don't. They've got parents who've allowed this to happen, through diet. So that's what people refer too. And judge. The rule, not the exception.

I appreciate you are in the minority that gets tarred with the same brush and that may be annoying. But what people are judging, is parents who inflict childhood obesity on their children. You haven't. This thread isn't about judging SEN parents etc, and you know it. Because you get mistaken for someone who deliberately overfeeds their child, doesn't make you that someone.

I'm also a SEN parent. When people are clearly talking about NT children, I fail to see what you are trying to achieve by personally applying that narrative to an SEN child, (when they are not) then getting all professionally offended because it doesn't apply to your DC.

Tynetime · 09/02/2022 09:24

@Sirzy during the first Lockdown it was do hard. At the time ds would eat tuna and sweetcorn sandwiches from a certain drop only and a few other things again specific shops. It was draining.

Must have been so much worse for you.

Tynetime · 09/02/2022 09:27

They may say O it doesn't apply yo SEN children but they can't know what child has SEN or medical conditions when giving their disapproving looks because that level of venom from some posters must spill over to disapproving looks in real life.

Hospedia · 09/02/2022 09:53

I understand that but if they have never eaten beige food then they don't know to gravitate to it. That is often also a weaning issue.

One of my DC has ARFID and the bulk of his diet is beige food because its that or starve, and contrary to popular opinion there are children who will let themselves starve if there are no acceptable foods.

He had zero interest in weaning, food upset him from the get go and he would not tolerate it. By 18mo he was pretty much living on Ready Brek and bananas and we were offering him an ever expanding list of refused foods. You can bet your arse I eventually offered him beige food because I was offering him anything and everything trying to find things he would eat.

Now he will eat chicken dippers (must be Birds Eye, they're softer and less fibrous than other brands), cucumber (circles only), plain baked potato (no butter, no filling, not mashed/fluffed up, just cut open and served), plain pasta (white pasta, fusilli only, no sauce), Nutella sandwiches (one slice of white bread folded over to make a sandwich, no butter), Weetabix (two, stacked in the bowl not side by side, milk up to top of the bottom biscuit, no honey or other flavourings, must be Weetabix brand as own brands tend to be square corners not rounded and so are "wrong"), bananas (the small kids variety, must have no brown spots, all peel and string removed), plain chicken breast (no seasoning and the outside part peeled off as its 'crusty'). He will very occasionally eat sweetcorn, "pizza" (the mega cheap ones with a very slight brush of sauce and a few strands of cheese), and sausages (Richmond skinless only, cannot be too brown or he'll consider them "burnt", served sliced). He has a glass of milk every day and a good multivitamin.

When you have a child who is that rigid about food, you feed them what they'll eat and if that happens to be nuggets and waffles then it'll be nuggets and waffles (DS won't eat waffles, too many holes).

For the record, he dances along the line between healthy weight and underweight. When he's going through an anxious or unsettled period he gets even more controlling and dips below it. When they had the healthy eating talk at school and he was paranoid he'd get fat, he dipped below it. When he's ill, he dips below it.

My other disabled child wouldn't touch nuggets with a bean pole but would probably eat the bean pole. He has PICA and he doesn't know when he's full, he also gets sensory comfort from chewing/swallowing. He will literally eat until he vomits. He tends towards healthier foods however, unsupervised, would eat them in huge amounts.

RedToothBrush · 09/02/2022 09:56

Generally speaking when it comes to your own kids class, you know the parents who are uninterested dicks and the ones who are engaged and involved with their kids.

Kids who are SEN you know. You also know whether the parents are the type who doing whatever they can, or whether they cannot be arsed.

I don't think its hard to spot.

Where I've judged is when Ive known over a period of time, how much of a dick the said parent is. I would rather my child played with the difficult sen kid with the parents who cared than the fat kid whose mum is in complete denial of a fairly obvious problem (which you can see manifesting in numerous ways and causing the child multiple issues). Why? Because its not what the kid is thats the issue, its whether the parents are taking appropriate steps and trying to help their kid in the best possible way. Its the neglect / denialism that I take particular issue with. Not beige food etc. Not with being fat alone.

Its about the attitude that goes with it...

lavender2022 · 09/02/2022 09:58

I would actually even go as far as to say that it is actually a form of child abuse. So yes, I do silently judge those parents. I equally judge myself as a mother just as harshly in terms of what she eats.

RedToothBrush · 09/02/2022 10:03

When they had the healthy eating talk at school and he was paranoid he'd get fat, he dipped below it.

I do think schools are failing massively on the way they handle this it terms of 'good food' / 'bad food' and kids with known issues with under eating.

They are thrown under the bus because of the number of kids who are fat.

A friend has an SEN kid and difficult eating habits. They banned a snack bar he would eat with a layer of chocolate even though they knew the family had been given medical advice to get the kid to gain weight so they could up his medication because he was just at a point where his dose was running out too early but they couldnt increase his doseage because he was classed as under weight.

Just because the other kids would think it unfair.

Life is fucking unfair. We should still be aiming for whats appropriate for particular situations though.

RedToothBrush · 09/02/2022 10:07

@lavender2022

I would actually even go as far as to say that it is actually a form of child abuse. So yes, I do silently judge those parents. I equally judge myself as a mother just as harshly in terms of what she eats.
100% agree. Particularly with the particular parent i mentioned upthread.

Her daughters have been set up for a lifetime of problems because she wont admit there is an issue (which she clearly is driving).

Its like if an alcoholic giving their child alcohol because they deny there is an issue with alcohol and its all just fine. Its one thing for them to be an alcoholic for their own reasons (and not address it) and thats not good. But when they are actively doing the same to their children, yeah its a problem. One that needs proper intervention rather than pussy footing around the issue.

You would get an intervention if your child was seriously underweight. Why not if seriously overweight?

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2022 10:09

With healthy, nutritious food becoming increasingly out of the reach, this will become more commonplace.

strawberrrycheeesecake · 09/02/2022 10:19

Yes.

I do silently judge. (I realise some children have medical conditions that affect their weight and size, I am talking about children that I know are otherwise well and healthy and where I know their parents don't seem to bother about eating habits).

I'm not against treats. I let my kids have chocolate, crisps and sweets, but in moderation and alongside a varied diet. They are both a healthy size and fit in clothes for their age. We walk the school run and they both do a club that involves exercise. But I don't stop them having snacks and treats either.

I really do wonder what and how much seriously overweight children eat and if they are monitored atall by their parents.

For me it is the long term effect on their health and how hard it can be to lose weight. They are potentially being set up for a lift time of ridicule and struggle with their size. Overweight children should have interventions in a similar way that under nourished, neglected, and abused children are.

strawberrrycheeesecake · 09/02/2022 10:24

@strawberrrycheeesecake

Yes.

I do silently judge. (I realise some children have medical conditions that affect their weight and size, I am talking about children that I know are otherwise well and healthy and where I know their parents don't seem to bother about eating habits).

I'm not against treats. I let my kids have chocolate, crisps and sweets, but in moderation and alongside a varied diet. They are both a healthy size and fit in clothes for their age. We walk the school run and they both do a club that involves exercise. But I don't stop them having snacks and treats either.

I really do wonder what and how much seriously overweight children eat and if they are monitored atall by their parents.

For me it is the long term effect on their health and how hard it can be to lose weight. They are potentially being set up for a lift time of ridicule and struggle with their size. Overweight children should have interventions in a similar way that under nourished, neglected, and abused children are.

I would like to add I have an autistic child with an incredibly restricted diet and relies a lot on milk. He barely eats enough to scrape together one full meal a day. I offer the food, allow the milk afterwards and don't withhold snacks as punishment for not eatingZ

I get how hard it is, especially with SEN children, but hard decisions have to be made to ensure a child has the healthiest best start to life. Being so young and dangerously overweight for no medical reason isn't justifiable.

mewe3 · 09/02/2022 10:36

To add, I know of kids who eat nothing but junk and beige foods as that's all they'll eat yet they are a normal weight. You can't judge those parents unless you see what they're eating so why would you judge parents of an overweight child.

Satingreenshutters · 09/02/2022 10:43

People KEEP going on about SEN children. That is a different kettle of fish. I cannot imagine how incredibly hard it is feeding a child who has sensory issues around food. It has been mentioned OVER and over again on this thread. We are discussing the diets of children WHO HAVE NO MEDICAL ISSUES. NONE!

The hugely vast majority of kids who are overweight are overweight because they are fed crap. Day in day out. The kids who have learned behaviour of how to eat. The kids who are given far to many treats because they ask for them. The kids who are visibly VERY overweight but their parents take NO responsibility and make excuse after excuse about big bones and being heavily set and in the family and in the genes. The parents who buy crap food and serve it up every day. The parents who stock snack cupboards to the brim. The parents who gorge themselves on junk and see their child getting fat but do NOTHING because they don't want to change their own behaviour. The bury their heads in the sand parents. The puppy fat parents. The she will grow into it parents. The blamers, The responsibility dodgers, the ones who will argue down to the ground that it is nothing that they are doing yet Poor Susie just keeps getting bigger. THEY are the parents we are talking about. THEY are the caregivers and the example givers. THEY do the shopping. THEY stock the presses. THEY serve up the dinners, THEY pack the lunches. THEY order the copious takeaways. The children are mere innocent pawns in this, products of the decisions and choices their parents make. Yet nobody is allowed call these parents out? It is abuse, neglect, indifference...you watch your child eat shit every day and get fatter and fatter and you do NOTHING except blame the system, the shops, the ads, the cheap food, the don't have time, the he doesn't like, the he has hollow legs bullshit that is peddled out.

We are not talking about kids with any type of medical issue....we are talking about kids who are fed shite and get fatter and fatter and nothing is done.

The denial here is like nothing I have ever seen, Willfully blind.

PleasantBirthday · 09/02/2022 11:04

@Satingreenshutters, I agree with the substance of what you're saying but your tone is very offputting and actually I feel my hackles rise when I'm reading it. Instinctively, I find it hard to agree because it's so strident and unkind. While not everyone has medical issues that affect their weight, people can have all kinds of problems that we may not know about. They may not, they may be as bad and awful as you are saying.

However, all of us have weaknesses and blind spots. All of us are only human and all of us are trying to cope in various ways.

LimeSegment · 09/02/2022 11:06

A 2 year old and a 3 year old are doing a 1-2 hour bike ride?! What?!

Yes, I mean they don't go far obviously. But yes they are on their bikes riding around for 1-2 hours.

Monopolyiscrap · 09/02/2022 11:08

I got told on Mumsnet that my 5 year old should be able to walk a mile in 15 minutes.

RedToothBrush · 09/02/2022 11:11

@Satingreenshutters

People KEEP going on about SEN children. That is a different kettle of fish. I cannot imagine how incredibly hard it is feeding a child who has sensory issues around food. It has been mentioned OVER and over again on this thread. We are discussing the diets of children WHO HAVE NO MEDICAL ISSUES. NONE!

The hugely vast majority of kids who are overweight are overweight because they are fed crap. Day in day out. The kids who have learned behaviour of how to eat. The kids who are given far to many treats because they ask for them. The kids who are visibly VERY overweight but their parents take NO responsibility and make excuse after excuse about big bones and being heavily set and in the family and in the genes. The parents who buy crap food and serve it up every day. The parents who stock snack cupboards to the brim. The parents who gorge themselves on junk and see their child getting fat but do NOTHING because they don't want to change their own behaviour. The bury their heads in the sand parents. The puppy fat parents. The she will grow into it parents. The blamers, The responsibility dodgers, the ones who will argue down to the ground that it is nothing that they are doing yet Poor Susie just keeps getting bigger. THEY are the parents we are talking about. THEY are the caregivers and the example givers. THEY do the shopping. THEY stock the presses. THEY serve up the dinners, THEY pack the lunches. THEY order the copious takeaways. The children are mere innocent pawns in this, products of the decisions and choices their parents make. Yet nobody is allowed call these parents out? It is abuse, neglect, indifference...you watch your child eat shit every day and get fatter and fatter and you do NOTHING except blame the system, the shops, the ads, the cheap food, the don't have time, the he doesn't like, the he has hollow legs bullshit that is peddled out.

We are not talking about kids with any type of medical issue....we are talking about kids who are fed shite and get fatter and fatter and nothing is done.

The denial here is like nothing I have ever seen, Willfully blind.

This.

Just this.

Unicornspirit · 09/02/2022 11:16

My child is overweight, do I over feed her, no. She has standard child portions, I scratch cook, she goes swimming and judo and I try and keep her active. I noticed the weight going on when we ended up living in a flat and there is no garden like so many housing association places now. There is not even a communal area here and so because she spends more time indoors after school she has put on weight. Too many people judge without knowing the reasons why. Not all of us are lazy bad parents!

Silversprinkles · 09/02/2022 11:16

@IsAnybodyListening

Re your sons diet

Pasta = white carbs
Crisps = white carbs
Jacket potato = starchy carbs
Cereal = (sugary?) carbs

He may suit a LCHF diet much better. It's worth a try. I know many people who have been overweight for years and once they dropped the carbs down (low carb not no carb) they easily lost weight and maintain well. Similar calories but in a form their body can utilise better and it stops the cravings. Keeps their blood sugar and mood much more stable. It's worth investigating. Not something I'd say for a child as they need carbs for growth but at your son's practically adult age, it could work for him.

Tynetime · 09/02/2022 11:20

@RedToothBrush I wouldn't be so sure you know. My ASD/ARFID child was diagnosed at 14..

RedToothBrush · 09/02/2022 11:22

30 years ago, kids weren't as overweight as they are now.

I do not believe that there are more kids with medical issues or bad genes in that time frame.

Its lifestyle, parenting and fucking shit excuses.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/02/2022 11:32

@Unicornspirit

My child is overweight, do I over feed her, no. She has standard child portions, I scratch cook, she goes swimming and judo and I try and keep her active. I noticed the weight going on when we ended up living in a flat and there is no garden like so many housing association places now. There is not even a communal area here and so because she spends more time indoors after school she has put on weight. Too many people judge without knowing the reasons why. Not all of us are lazy bad parents!
I obviously don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but as someone also living in an apartment without access to a garden... I'm not sure I can fully buy into that as a reason.

We walk everywhere, she goes to ballet, swimming lessons and tennis. If it's not raining on the walk home from school we stop by the play park, during the summer it's straight to the beach after school. I know I'm fortunate to have access to those things, but even without the ones that are financially or geographically dependant, play parks and walking everywhere is attainable and doable for most, I'd have thought.

OP posts:
LimeSegment · 09/02/2022 11:51

OP what do you say to the many people on here, including me, that are aware of the issue and follow all the "rules" (healthy home cooking, no beige oven foods, no snacks, no treats, water only to drink, hours of exercise daily, no screen time) and have one overweight dc and one or more normal/thin dc. Do you think we are abusing that dc alone? Do you think we force food down that one kids throat, but give salads to the other? Do you think we take thin dc out for a bike ride and leave fat dc at home alone?

I am not critisizing you for starting the thread, I totally agree it's such an important issue. And of course I know my kid isn't outside the laws of physics. But it's just so tough, you know.

I don't know anyone else who doesn't allow their kids snacks, or bread, or restricts milk to 100ml of skim per day. I do, but my kid is overweight.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 09/02/2022 12:08

Yes, I do judge, I admit. I am aware that there are sometimes other factors involved though, not just poor diet, lack of physical activity etc. Mainly I feel sad for the children because chances are they might be bullied, suffer from self-confidence issues, and just have a battle with it. And I don’t think it’s right for a child to have to go through that because of poor parenting.

I have 3 DC aged 13 to 3. They have a reasonable diet with plenty of fruit and veg but also plenty of sugary crap! They are also reasonably active - walk to school and do a sport as a hobby - but they also laze around a lot. But they are all very slim so it does make me wonder about the diets and lifestyle of kids who are really overweight.

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