To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

@lambchop81

Let's be honest we all judge others in some way or another. My judging is all in my little head so no harm done. Who's judging now saying I would produce a bully. My children are very kind.

Everyone judges, of course, but that is different to being judgemental.

No because ds is obese but is ASD & will eat until he explodes, he doesn't know if he is full. He does eat a fairly healthy diet but I just can't fill him. I always give him piles of veg but he is still hungry.

I see this from all sides.

If I see a young kid with a bag of chips or a soft drink, I admit I do think - really!?

However I have 2 dc, one aged 2 and one aged 3. Dc3 was born on the 50th centile and stayed that way. Dc 2 was born on the 95th centile and has stayed that way. They eat the same. I make home cooked food every night, our treat is take out pizza every 1-2 months. They both like veggies. They have literally never eaten nuggets or gone to McDonald's. I don't give any snacks between meals. I avoid giving them bread for any meal, half a slice a day at most. They only drink water and 100ml of skim milk once a day. They have never even tried juice or soft drink. No crisps, chocolate or biscuits. They don't use a tablet or phone, dc 3 has an hour of TV a day. Dc2 has zero tv time ever (not a smug brag - she just isn't interested). Exercise - 1 to 2 hour bike ride or playground visit every day, plus swimming, soccer and gymnastics.

So it's really frustrating to read "my kids eat crap all the time and are skinny", but I can understand how if your kids do that, it must seem like overweight kids are force fed or something.

Anyone who judges someone for being "fat" ought to be ashamed of themselves.

At least people can lose the weight. You won't change your judgmental, horrible & unkind personalities, as you seem to honestly think your opinions are acceptable.

to 2 hour bike ride or playground visit every day

A 2 year old and a 3 year old are doing a 1-2 hour bike ride?! What?!

Yes I do judge I’m afraid. It is a terrible start in life for the child to be overweight and I would judge the parent to be lazy and stupid and would guess that they and the rest of the family are overweight themselves. There is no excuse these days to be ignorant on how to feed your kids a healthy diet, though I do think it is harder ( but not impossible) for poorer families to do so.
Wow. Just wow. Try living the life o a SEN parent whose children have SEN related food issues and come back and say how lazy and stupid we are.
Incidentally not all my kids are overweight and I was a normal weight iuntil my SEN child's wheel jfell off and was so mentally ill they could barely leave the house.

@Giraffesandbottoms

My 2 year old would easily do a 2 hour bike ride as would my eldest at that age, but they are painfully active abs i struggle to get them to do anything which isn’t running/jumping/scootering/biking/eating

So, we are entitled to judge parents of overweight children as being, variously, thick, stupid, lazy, neglectful and abusive. And we are entitled to do this because we care so much about the child. Yet what is the trajectory of that judgment? Are you going to let your child forge a friendship with a child with such parents? Will you allow your child to go to their house to play? Or will you avoid the family and encourage friendships with more worthy parents? It would take a high level of cognitive dissonance to treat that child with any sort of equality once you've made those sort of judgements about their family. So while you may argue that its the parents who've created the problem, your judgement will certainly add to it for the child. People who are genuinely speaking from a place of concern would do far more good for children by trying to master their prejudice, because if you think your judgement of the parents doesn't touch the child, you are wrong.

I think that's a good point about what actually it means to judge someone. For most I suspect it will be inward thoughts that they never vocalise, but could subconsciously affect how they treat people. Others can't keep their thoughts to themselves and take pleasure in ostracising people and sharing their views. I guess most fall into the first category and don't realise the influence their judgement has on their actions.

Absolutely agree with 5128gap and they have articulated what I was trying to say a few posts back. I think if you are making you are equating aesthetics with stupidity then you have serious character flaws that need working on! Again, you won't be judging my parenting as my DC are very slim but I do not go to the lengths of dietary provision that a PP has just written about and it when it comes down to it I haven't made any particular choices that has made me some kind of superior parent for having thin kids.

@5128gap you articulated much better the point I made

So much denial.

Aside from sen and medical issues like steroids and other medications which can make people gain weight saying someone eats healthy and eats the right amount and is still overweight means they eat too much. This goes for adults too. I have heard so many people say they cant understand why they're bigger as they eat the same as someone else who isn't big. Yes because you eat too much for you.

I don't eat as much as my child because i can't. I am not growing and dont spend an hour a day running around in my break time screaming and do lots of sport. I do an hour of yoga a week if that. I couldn't even eat the snacks she had all week even the healthy dried apricots and lentil curls and the double breakfasts endless yogurts and flapjacks let alone the cakes she seems to always come out of school with for someone's birthday and crisps and chocolate given by grandma etc without piling it on.. i do realise she doesnt drink calorie laden wine with her friends like I do though!

I know if i ate like I do now in my teens i would be really underweight. I used to eat an entire large pizza as a snack and still be a size 6 to 8. My metabolism when I was younger was crazy fast. My metabolism is not the same now. Which is why it makes no sense to compare your diet to someone slim when youre overweight and say you eat the same so its not your fault!

But I also have brought her up that its not nice to call people fat we are all different we don't know the circumstances etc. Her father put on a lot of weight for eg when he broke a bone and could hardly move. Hello lockdown? I think most people added a bit then.

But if this is judgy then yeah Im judgy when I see kids eating a giant bag of pringles on the school run at 8am who is then given a 3 pack of kinder eggs regularly after school and is overweight like her mother.

Also saying that judgmental parents create bullies and are largely responsible for the huge bullying issues all schools have,

doesn't mean children being overweight isnt extremely bad for their health, both can be true at the same time,

denial is present in both sides.

No denial here. I know my older two are overweight. My youngest is probably underweight.
DD1 is 18 and has a healthy appetite. She eats a healthy balanced diet but a little too much. Her activity levels has declined since lockdown too. So I have encouraged her to join a gym.
Child two is 16 and barely leaves the house due to anxiety, low mood and autism and associated ARFID. None of the safe foods are low calorie sadly although I have tried to reintroduce better foods.
Child 3 is ADHD and doesn't sleep and is nornal/ slightly underweight.
None of my kids were overweight until Secondary.
I think I need yo step away as I am neither lazy, ignorant, neglectful or in denial .
I am just a parent trying to get by in difficult circumstances and I am done with this.

I have a dilemma myself because my child's stepmother is obese - she isn't stupid, she is a charming kind person who cares for my child well. I am pretty lucky on that one. She is also open about being "fat" and says there is nothing wrong with that. She is energised considerably by the making of biscuits, eating of ice cream.

I can see that its none of my business how she wants to be. She is an adult. She seems perfectly happy in herself.

Except one issue - her eating habits are rather extreme in terms of what she eats in terms of high calorie food. This is not something I am going to do but of course, she is setting a template for my child whenever she looks after her.

So - nice person, very clever, in no way stupid, affable. But the food? Morally I think we have a duty to live a healthy life and I worry about her attitude passing down to my child. This woman is for fat acceptance. I get that she is accepting herself and that's good for her. But I disagree, silently, because she has poor health and suffers due to her weight.

What would you do in these circumstances? All I have done is try and set a good example for my child in terms of eating (no comments about her step mother that would rude). Overall, no problems yet with the child who seems to be okay. But this woman is partly about love expressed via food (common enough). Should I not worry about it?

@LexMitior

how old is your child? is she old enough to have a Frank discussion about how whilst SM is lovely she's very overweight and has health issues and adults don't make right decisions all the time, and whilst a weekend treat is fine, ott indulgence is not.

or failing that maybe suggest things they could cook your child maybe hint that way?

Honestly if you can't get the fundamentals of feeding and exercising your children right then I wonder about your skills as a parent.

There is a huge lack of understanding around nutrition in this country and I'm consistently appalled by what children eat. There is no excuse for fat children. It's awful that you are willfully harming their health.

Even fussy eaters must have been introduced to junk for that to be what they restrict their diet to. I.e. "he will only eat waffles, beans and nuggets" just makes me think why the hell did he ever get fed that in the first place.

I’m an obese mum with 2 slim children and one very obese son. I have no idea how to help him. He eats/is active the same as the others but I know we’re judged because I’m so fat.

He’s picked on I know. I hate it.

@Brieandcamembert

Because some children have sensory issues and have extremely limited texture needs in food

some don't, but equally some do

'beige food' is often much bander much less triggering to sensory needs its why do many ASD children's safe food is nuggets etc.

I don't judge but do find it sad. My daughters friend has been overweight since primary school; her mum is in total denial (also large). When she ate at mine, she always wanted a 2nd plate, so adult portions. It was very much an overeating issue.

My daughter is on the heavy side. She was really slim until age 9 and the weight crept on. I kept a food diary and had a visit with the doctor who commented on her good diet. The doctor has said this is likely hormones and her body is changing rapidly. She is 11 now and still on the heavier side but her body is still changing. She is active and has a good balanced diet. She is NOT neglected and it is NOT abuse! Oh, and just to point out, I am not overweight but her father is. He eats a vastly different diet to me and my children as constantly eating on the go.

There are many reasons for child weight gain. Yes, it's sometimes due to poor diet but there are so many other reasons too. If someone openly judged my daughter there would be hell to pay!

*Brieandcamembert

Because some children have sensory issues and have extremely limited texture needs in food hmm

some don't, but equally some do

'beige food' is often much bander much less triggering to sensory needs its why do many ASD children's safe food is nuggets etc.*

I understand that but if they have never eaten beige food then they don't know to gravitate to it
That is often also a weaning issue.

I understand that but if they have never eaten beige food then they don't know to gravitate to it

I introduced the beige food to DS. I think you show huge ignorance surrounding children with issues about food. DS refused to eat. Of course I'm going to try a chicken nugget over nothing.

No, unless I know the family and can see that the child is eating unhealthily then how can you judge. All sorts of things contribute to weight, the child could well be eating the same as what you feed your child.

Even fussy eaters must have been introduced to junk for that to be what they restrict their diet to. I.e. "he will only eat waffles, beans and nuggets" just makes me think why the hell did he ever get fed that in the first place
My child's diet was very transient. He used to vhace a healthy diet but as time went on these foods became unsafe. I though he was just a fussy eater but it is a real condition and in his case he needs over stimulation so needs strong sauces etc.
Food needs to be identical each time so things like strawberries etc soon became unsafe as by their nature they can differ each time. Bananas same.
I did a course on ARFID and it was most illuminating