To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

MN is this weird place where being judgemental is seen as something extremely bad rather than natural, and judgement on this face being equated with allowing your children to be overweight with all that entails is bananas.

Thanks @PaddleBoardingMomma and @LexMitior - I don't talk about it often but it has played a huge part of my life in many ways but its not something that ever really feels the right time to discuss. Self realisation is a good way of putting it, as I didn't ever know any different I just believed the ah big boned, it's just puppy fat, you'll grow out of it- i just thought I couldn't ever be slim, I was just fat if was who I was; ironically I suppose the only people who were honest were the bullies.

@azimuth299 - you are now asking about something being bad rather than judging

of course hitting a child is bad

anyway, this thread is going off topic as the OP asked about judgment and overweight children and we are no longer commenting on this

[quote GreekGod]@azimuth299 - you are now asking about something being bad rather than judging

of course hitting a child is bad

anyway, this thread is going off topic as the OP asked about judgment and overweight children and we are no longer commenting on this[/quote]
I may need to bash my head against something.

Judging means deciding whether you think something is good/bad right/wrong acceptable/unacceptable. That's what people mean when they talk abo judging. What do you think judging means if not that?

It’s such a shame, but here lies the problem, no accountability taken. If you aren’t able to see that you have created the problem by feeding your children unhealthy food, how on earth can you expect change. There is a serious lack of Education towards the benefit of exercise and a nutritional diet. A poor diet will no doubt be contributing to their children’s lack of desire to exercise.

You know what, I'm out.

I've explained specifically how a knee injury was not caused by my weight, but am now basically being told I'm wrong and that it somehow was. Even though my slim, athletic cousin sustained a more serious injury in not totally dissimilar circumstances. Even though not one medial professional - and trust me, I've encountered enough who are willing to say your weight contributed to an earache, they're not backwards in coming forwards - attributed my injury to my weight. Even though my injury was caused by an excessive twisting of a joint, but it was actually the 'cushioning' part of the joint that gave, and there is no evidence of osteoarthritis now (or before, for that matter - and whilst we're at it, fat or not, osteoarthritis can and does affect anyone).

Nobody wants to be overweight, by either a few pounds or by being obese. But judgement for it - adults or children - does nobody any good. What you end up doing is creating a proliferation of disordered eating, rather than education of healthier eating habits. Judgement gets nobody anywhere fast, unless you're the one judging right? Because then you get to say how terrible people are for being fat. You may not like or agree with it, but fat people are allowed to be fat and not feel absolutely terrible about themselves ever second of the bloody day.

When you're told everything is because of weight, even when you know it's not, there's no point in discussion anymore, because what you have to say isn't heard any longer. It doesn't fit with what people believe, so everything is turned around. I shouldn't have had to give the medical details of an accident I had to prove it wasn't caused by my weight, but I did, and it still wasn't believed! Incredible!!

So yeah, I'm out. You can continue to claim it's entirely parents fault if their children are even a pound overweight, you can continue to claim it's 'from concern for the child', but you can do it in the echo chamber you want, because honestly there's no point presenting another opinion here.

Let's be honest we all judge others in some way or another. My judging is all in my little head so no harm done.
Who's judging now saying I would produce a bully. My children are very kind.

@DiddyHeck

I work with disadvantaged children. Often tea, 5/6 times a week is a portion of chips.

That's not going to make any kid fat if they're not overfed and they run around enough. They won't be healthy but they won't be fat either.

Yes, Chips every day won't necessarily make you fat. The portions must be too big. If you are poor, feeding your children large quantities of unhealthy food isn't saving you money.

[quote Chichimcgee]@lambchop81

How old are your kids? Are they with you 24/7?

You cannot physically force a child to exercise if they don’t want to.
You can not stop a child eating unhealthier at school or the other parents house or when out with their friends etc

It’s easy to blame everything on the parents but at the end of the day there are a lot of other things going on in a child’s life.[/quote]
12 and 6 and no of course they are not.
I'm no perfect parent and I never claim to be. Eating unhealthy at school or anywhere else can be counterated by meals at home.
Its my opinion that ultimately it is down to the parents unless there is some kind of mental or health condition.
I've seen first hand what happens when a child comfort eats to an unhealthy weight for their age and height.
I also feel that it's the parents that need educating and help. It's cheaper to buy less healthy food than it is healthy.
There is a growing obesity in children issue in the UK.
PS my son put on a lot of weight in lockdown and we have since worked on getting it off

Slim doesn't mean fit or healthy either.

I was heavily judged by everyone when I was younger for being chubby, having autism and adhd. I would only eat the same 5 things.

I only judge parents who smack kids.

I would never judge a child for being overweight and I think it's absolutely awful people are admitting to this. You have no idea what causes their weight to be what it is.

Chips every day won't necessarily make you fat. The portions must be too big

I find it odd that some posters can't see why a child might need to eat more chips to feel full than they would other food if given a high-quality diet with plenty of protein and vegetables.

And of course a child fed mostly on chips (because that's what the parents can afford) will have much less energy to run around and engage in physical activity than children whose parents can afford a decent diet.

But rather than bothering to examine the link between obesity and food poverty, which is obviously too difficult for some people to comprehend... just let them eat (less) chips !

@Ottolin3

It’s such a shame, but here lies the problem, no accountability taken. If you aren’t able to see that you have created the problem by feeding your children unhealthy food, how on earth can you expect change. There is a serious lack of Education towards the benefit of exercise and a nutritional diet. A poor diet will no doubt be contributing to their children’s lack of desire to exercise.

That goes for all kids, not just the overweight ones. Many slim kids eat poorly, and many overweight kids eat plenty of nutrient rich foods.

My kids are really slim but I'm unsure if it is anything to do with my active parenting. My eldest is nearly 15 can and does eat all manner of junk without putting 1lb on. My youngest will.just stop eating if she is full up whatever it is- so cakes, junk in general! It is tricky with young adults as you have zero say over them spending £15 on burger King - an example of a recent conversation we had as I worry about how unhealthy the food is but it has absolutely nothing to do with weight whatsoever. Outwardly, if you didn't know me I wouldn't be judged as my kids are very thin but I know I'm not the best at limiting rubbish food so yes I do feel.it would be massively hypocritical of me to be judgmental about an overweight child's parents' decisions on food they buy. Judgmental means to be overly critical so of course it is a negative thing to do.

It's interesting to read the thread about the teen setting up a tuck shop at school. Most are applauding his ingenuity, without a thought to the junk the kids might be buying and eating at school.

@TheOrigRights

It's interesting to read the thread about the teen setting up a tuck shop at school. Most are applauding his ingenuity, without a thought to the junk the kids might be buying and eating at school.

I had the exact same thought!

I'm also wondering about the response to this thread if the title had been "to judge parents who formula feed"

"You have no idea what causes their weight to be what it is."

You have no idea why some people smack their kids either...

Smacking is illegal for a reason. There is no valid reason to smack a child.

@user2908143823142536475859708

Smacking is illegal for a reason. There is no valid reason to smack a child.

There's no 'valid' reason to overfeed a child and not see they get enough exercise either (medical issues aside). There's also no valid reason not to deal with their weight as soon as it becomes a problem, rather than sticking one's head in the sand and praying for a growth spurt.

Lots of spiteful, judgemental folk about.

If I see kids I don't know it's difficult to make a real judgement about what's going on in the family.

In other cases you do know something about what's going on. I know one family where the parents are also very heavy and they have a very unhealthy diet. I know one family where they do have a good diet, but the child like one parent is probably more disposed to be heavy and also , while a lovely little guy, rather greedy and not yet up to policing his own intake and will indulge whenever the opportunity arises. I know another family where there is no obvious reason one child is heavy - the others in the family are all very skinny and they eat well.

But there is a difference I think between thinking about what's going on and that a family might not be making the best choices, and setting myself up as the person who gets to look down on them. We all have failings and unless it's a situation where there is such a problem intervention is necessary or it's someone I'm responsible for, it's not really my business. I am lucky not to have that struggle with my kids but I have others.

I do think it's harder for parents now. Life is so hectic, there is so much more eating on the run and junk food and snacks at events, and so much less running around physical activity for kids.

They won't, they're struggle through adolescence and either pile on more weight or go the opposite way and have an unhealthy relationship with a lifetime of yo yo dieting.

Promoting dieting can do the very same. It needs very careful handling.

My daughter is tall for her age and we worry she is gaining weight so do everything we can but when you have 12 courses of oral steroids from July to December for asthma this year it's difficult. She is very active but when winter comes she literally can't go out in the cold air without asthma attacks for months at a time.

I hope all of you that judge before you know the full facts feel soo satisfied with yourself. Another little fatty in the making. Be thankful you never have to watch your child struggle for breath. You soon have to open your eyes that a little weight gain isn't so bad

Promoting dieting can do the very same. It needs very careful handling.

No child should be losing weight and anyone advocating it is not someone to listen to. When my DC was overweight, as I detailed on page one, the management programme was to maintain their weight as-is rather than attempt to lose any, the idea being that they would grow into it.

Yes I do judge I’m afraid. It is a terrible start in life for the child to be overweight and I would judge the parent to be lazy and stupid and would guess that they and the rest of the family are overweight themselves. There is no excuse these days to be ignorant on how to feed your kids a healthy diet, though I do think it is harder ( but not impossible) for poorer families to do so.