To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

@5128gap

Fat shaming is trying to make people ashamed of their weight. Recent example on the thread being a poster asking another to explain how they fell over so they could tell them it was due to their weight, ie their own fault. Maybe it was, but it doesn't need a self righteous comment on the Internet to hammer that home to a poster who would already know this if it were the case. That's what medical professionals are there for. Fat shaming is decried because it is counter productive and cruel. But people detest fatness. This thread gives them the opportunity to vent their feelings in a more acceptable way, because its 'important' and 'for the children' Not all posters of course, some have made valid points, but there is a definite lack of willingness to listen to the lived experience of people who are struggling with their child's weight. You OP do appear to have a more open approach, but I think you're in a minority. Many people are contributing nothing but a litany of stories about fat children. How is that in any way helpful? And as for defensiveness, well what do you expect when people make gratuitous attacks on the way they raise their children and refuse to accept there can be any issues that prevent the problem being easily resolved?

It seems those defending children being overweight as not an issue are more fixed in their views imo. I agree that poster got a bit personal in many ways, but it is true that the extra strain put on joints does cause more issues in people who are overweight- its not a lie or an urban myth designed to make people feel bad. But for some reason the risks of being obese are always excused, downplayed or denied as is abundantly clear on this thread. It is a health crisis on a population level, burying heads in the sand won't make it go away, neither will coming up with several reasons why its fine. Of course no one should be judged especially not for what they look like, but the negatives are way beyond aesthetics.

But that's essentially what a lot of the posters on here have done, accused all parents of obese children of terrible, shitty parenting whilst not thinking about how their judgment effects their own parenting,

these bullies don't create themselves.

And as for defensiveness, well what do you expect when people make gratuitous attacks on the way they raise their children and refuse to accept there can be any issues that prevent the problem being easily resolved?

Is it attacking to see an overweight or obese child and internally wonder what the hell the adults are feeding that child? @5128gap

I notice you say you have no skin in the game as a slim adult - well, I'm a fat parent of normal sized kids. I'm sure people look at me and wonder why I can't eat the same as my kids and not be fat. Sure it's not as simple as I overeat, but I don't actually care to police other people's thoughts. I don't like actual fat-shaming, it's upsetting when people call you a fat cunt for simply daring to exist in a large body. That's not what is happening here.

@PasstheBucket89 An internal thought doesn't necessarily ever get voiced, and wondering how a parent has allowed a 4 year old to get morbidly obese doesn't mean you would condone your child bullying another.

[quote Chichimcgee]@lambchop81

How old are your kids? Are they with you 24/7?

You cannot physically force a child to exercise if they don’t want to.
You can not stop a child eating unhealthier at school or the other parents house or when out with their friends etc

It’s easy to blame everything on the parents but at the end of the day there are a lot of other things going on in a child’s life.[/quote]
So if you can’t stop a child overeating or make them exercise how do the parents of not overweight kids do it?

@azimuth299 - Yes, i do know what the word judge means and I am not misunderstanding anything.

if I saw a child naked in the street, i would call the Police - i am not judging anyone by calling the Police. I would just call the Police as I am concerned about that childs welfare.

@KurtWilde - fully agree, what a depressing thread.

Lampshading, I think it would be very difficult for any averagely intelligent and moderately well read person not to know there are health risks to obesity, for children and adults. We all know this. I haven't seen a single post that has denied this. I've also not seen a single one saying its fine that children are overweight. The debate isn't the pros and cons of obesity, as that would be short and one sided. The debate is whether its OK for us to sit in judgement of parents of overweight children. I think it isn't, because it discounts many important contributory factors, but also because it is entirely unhelpful, lacks empathy and emotional intelligence, and won't help a single overweight child become any slimmer.

[quote GreekGod]@azimuth299 - Yes, i do know what the word judge means and I am not misunderstanding anything.

if I saw a child naked in the street, i would call the Police - i am not judging anyone by calling the Police. I would just call the Police as I am concerned about that childs welfare.

@KurtWilde - fully agree, what a depressing thread.[/quote]
Right, so if you saw someone hit their child in the street - would you think that that was a bad thing to do?

If people eschew responsibility for their children’s weight, how will the children ever lose weight?!

@Giraffesandbottoms

If people eschew responsibility for their children’s weight, how will the children ever lose weight?!

They won't, they're struggle through adolescence and either pile on more weight or go the opposite way and have an unhealthy relationship with a lifetime of yo yo dieting.

@5128gap I've certainly seen several posts saying it's not the case. And no, this thread won't help but neither will denial.

It’s incredibly depressing to see so many people making excuses for eating poorly, feeding their children unhealthy food and making excuses for being overweight. It’s not hard!

@PasstheBucket89

it is very sad how very many ignorant and judgemental parents their are, you might not produce overweight children but sadly will produce lots of bullies. no wonder it's such a huge issue in schools.

truth some situations are not straightforward as they may appear.

Absolute rubbish. My kids are not bullies. One of them even won the award for kindest in her year.

Stop blaming other people.

@PasstheBucket89

But that's essentially what a lot of the posters on here have done, accused all parents of obese children of terrible, shitty parenting whilst not thinking about how their judgment effects their own parenting,

these bullies don't create themselves.

Feeding your children processed food is bad parenting, it’s your responsibility as a parent to nourish a child. Children should be educated in the benefit of being fit and healthy and it should not be negotiable!!

Ha! Bullies, I can assure you that won’t happen. Its appalling that so many people are making excuses for allowing their child to be obese!

I agree judgement doesn't help, but I wish there was more support for parents (and thus children) and it wasn't so taboo to talk about.

I was overweight as a child, it started with just basically eating crap meals and escalated into binging on whatever I could get my hands on. I remember eating butter out of the pot with a spoon until I was sick in the middle of the night, it was an uncontrollable and overwhelming desire I couldn't fight- I was only 7 or so. My parents knew this but would still buy junk and I'd happily eat it. A pasty after school, sometimes bowls of grated cheese; they didn't know any better and there wasn't the wealth of info there now is online, I wish someone had judged them and made them seek help or tell me no. As soon as I was old enough to go the shops I'd spend all of my money on sweets and chocolate and hide the wrappers, if we had a takeaway we would have fish and chips and a family size chocolate bar; I was 12.

I was bullied throughout school and I don't even think it was because of the attitudes of other parents, its because clothes didn't fit in shops that were popular, I didn't look as good as my classmates (harsh but true), my confidence was rock bottom, and this made it worse as PE for example I was too embarrassed to take part in so they would write me endless notes. I carried on piling on the weight, my knees were sore, I'd be out of breath easily and I wasn't even huge, but definitely and visibly overweight.

When I moved away to uni and bought my own food, gained confidence in myself and made a supportive bunch of friends the weight melted off. I felt the best I had ever felt, I also found the courage to seek support for what turned out to be binge eating disorder. I have to work hard to maintain a healthy weight now, but for me it's worth it, and not passing down an unhealthy attitude to food (either restrictive or excessive) to my children is a priority.

I love my parents, they did the best they could I don't doubt but its shit being exposed young to junk, unhealthy habits and people turning a blind eye to obesity in children who don't know any different and cannot get their own food and meals.

@Ottolin3

Ha! Bullies, I can assure you that won’t happen. Its appalling that so many people are making excuses for allowing their child to be obese!

I'm really seeing that it's the people who justify obesity or are offended it's being spoken about are the ones being the most horrid and bullying on here. I've been called all sorts for starting this thread, it's shocking. I understand I may have hit a nerve but the absolute aggression and defensiveness tells me so so much.

@PaddleBoardingMomma

You have hit a nerve and that’s all there is to it!

@Canaloha

I agree judgement doesn't help, but I wish there was more support for parents (and thus children) and it wasn't so taboo to talk about.

I was overweight as a child, it started with just basically eating crap meals and escalated into binging on whatever I could get my hands on. I remember eating butter out of the pot with a spoon until I was sick in the middle of the night, it was an uncontrollable and overwhelming desire I couldn't fight- I was only 7 or so. My parents knew this but would still buy junk and I'd happily eat it. A pasty after school, sometimes bowls of grated cheese; they didn't know any better and there wasn't the wealth of info there now is online, I wish someone had judged them and made them seek help or tell me no. As soon as I was old enough to go the shops I'd spend all of my money on sweets and chocolate and hide the wrappers, if we had a takeaway we would have fish and chips and a family size chocolate bar; I was 12.

I was bullied throughout school and I don't even think it was because of the attitudes of other parents, its because clothes didn't fit in shops that were popular, I didn't look as good as my classmates (harsh but true), my confidence was rock bottom, and this made it worse as PE for example I was too embarrassed to take part in so they would write me endless notes. I carried on piling on the weight, my knees were sore, I'd be out of breath easily and I wasn't even huge, but definitely and visibly overweight.

When I moved away to uni and bought my own food, gained confidence in myself and made a supportive bunch of friends the weight melted off. I felt the best I had ever felt, I also found the courage to seek support for what turned out to be binge eating disorder. I have to work hard to maintain a healthy weight now, but for me it's worth it, and not passing down an unhealthy attitude to food (either restrictive or excessive) to my children is a priority.

I love my parents, they did the best they could I don't doubt but its shit being exposed young to junk, unhealthy habits and people turning a blind eye to obesity in children who don't know any different and cannot get their own food and meals.

I could have written this, it's very similar to my own experience. I'm sorry you struggled too, it was a miserable time x

@Canaloha - brave post. Good to hear of the life you have now built for yourself and the self realisation you had.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

And as for defensiveness, well what do you expect when people make gratuitous attacks on the way they raise their children and refuse to accept there can be any issues that prevent the problem being easily resolved?

Is it attacking to see an overweight or obese child and internally wonder what the hell the adults are feeding that child? @5128gap

I notice you say you have no skin in the game as a slim adult - well, I'm a fat parent of normal sized kids. I'm sure people look at me and wonder why I can't eat the same as my kids and not be fat. Sure it's not as simple as I overeat, but I don't actually care to police other people's thoughts. I don't like actual fat-shaming, it's upsetting when people call you a fat cunt for simply daring to exist in a large body. That's not what is happening here.

Of course its not attacking to see something and think something in the privacy of your own head. It becomes an attack when you make the person aware of your thoughts and those thoughts are overly hostile or cruel. Like the posters who suggested parents with overweight children don't love them and neglect them and likened it to physical violence. Or the example I gave of seeking to blame a woman for their own injury. Just because something is couched more delicately than a stream of expletives, doesn't make any less malign in its intent.

I'm really seeing that it's the people who justify obesity or are offended it's being spoken about are the ones being the most horrid and bullying on here.

Agreed, OP.
It's just a way to shut down discussion so they don't have to face up to what they are doing to their kids.

@5128gap

Lampshading, I think it would be very difficult for any averagely intelligent and moderately well read person not to know there are health risks to obesity, for children and adults. We all know this. I haven't seen a single post that has denied this. I've also not seen a single one saying its fine that children are overweight. The debate isn't the pros and cons of obesity, as that would be short and one sided. The debate is whether its OK for us to sit in judgement of parents of overweight children. I think it isn't, because it discounts many important contributory factors, but also because it is entirely unhelpful, lacks empathy and emotional intelligence, and won't help a single overweight child become any slimmer.

Yup. And it's interesting how people believe their own judgemental attitude could never lead to their kids fat shaming/judging others. Many are quick to point out a parent's role in child obesity, but won't take a look in the mirror as regards their own faults and potential influence over their kids judgement/attitude. Who is winning with this kind of judgement?

And I feel I can speak out about this because I have worked with parents of overweight kids for years. The parents do blame themselves, even if they don't admit it to anyone. Take your faux concern, it's not helpful and could actually be harmful to your own kids.