To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

[quote sweetbellyhigh]@PaddleBoardingMomma

It's not talking about obesity in a helpful way though, it's just ignorant and self-congratulatory.

If you really want to be supportive of obese children, quit judging. Lobby your MP for better access to healthy food and crippling taxes on sugar-laden food.

Be nice to fat people. Or at least don't involve yourself with their lives.

Learn about the complexities of the obesity crisis, it is about so much more than parenting choices, it's about market manipulation and greed, not of individuals so much as businesses, the power of money over well-being.

But starting a mean thread on a parenting site is probably the least helpful thing you could do.

Fat people know they're fat. They know thin people judge them. They feel bad. Your smug little thread adds to their burdens.[/quote]
My smug little thread? Did you even read my original post? You're hiding your desire to shut down conversation and dictate what other adults should and shouldn't discuss, behind a very thin veil of faux concern for obese people. Lying to others and yourself about the seriousness of the issue doesn't make you morally superior to people who want to talk about it.

@LexMitior

You ask why it's contentious to me for you to say clinical outcomes can only be improved by losing weight - let me throw that back at you:

Why is it so contentious to you for me to state me knee injury - and its associated treatment/surgery/recuperation - had nothing to do with my weight?

You seem determined to make my injury the result of - or at least exacerbated by - my weight, when that is not in the least bit true. It was an accident, a 'freak accident' where my leg, it's component parts, and the laws of physics, had a fight which my meniscus lost. If I'd have been slim, the outcome would have been the same.

I didn't have knee surgery 'earlier in life' because I'm overweight, I had knee surgery to repair damage from an accident.

Are you sure all of the people in that waiting room were there for the same type of surgery? Because a waiting room of 40 people being consulted for the exact same surgery would be exceedingly rare. My point is, you don't know the backgrounds or causes of anybody else's injury - yours was a car accident, right? How do you know other people there weren't also there as a result of a car accident, but they happen to be overweight too? Because that's confusing correlation with causation.

Yes I do! Imo it's the parents responsibility. Unless they have something like Prada willy syndrome there is no excuse for it. I know it sounds harsh but if my child put on weight that was clearly unhealthy I would so something about it before it gets bad. I have seen kids who struggle to walk from weight and it breaks my heart. Maybe schools should support parents with this or get school nurses involved.

For people who say there's nothing wrong with obesity, enablers, people with their head in the sand, what are they called?

Nobody is saying obesity is ok.
Just like people with a very low body weight isnt ok.
judging people isn’t ok.

@PaddleBoardingMomma

I've been called "fatphobic" several times over on this thread (which is nonsense in many regards not least because I'm not afraid of fat) but I wonder what the opposite term is? For people who say there's nothing wrong with obesity, enablers, people with their head in the sand, what are they called?

I don't agree with calling you fatphobic (although I do think a couple of other posters, at least one of who has been deleted, have shown tendencies to it), but I also don't think anyone has said there isn't an issue with obesity - people have just put other viewpoints to explain why children/adults might be overweight. That doesn't make it right to be obese, but a little understanding is actually a good thing in terms of education following on from that.

Also, your thread was about 'judging', not whether being fat/obese was okay - people tend to have reactions to that word (myself included), so it's more likely people are defending why they don't judge.

But, to reiterate, I don't agree with calling you fatphobic, that's unnecessary.

[quote Rockhopper81]@LexMitior

You ask why it's contentious to me for you to say clinical outcomes can only be improved by losing weight - let me throw that back at you:

Why is it so contentious to you for me to state me knee injury - and its associated treatment/surgery/recuperation - had nothing to do with my weight?

You seem determined to make my injury the result of - or at least exacerbated by - my weight, when that is not in the least bit true. It was an accident, a 'freak accident' where my leg, it's component parts, and the laws of physics, had a fight which my meniscus lost. If I'd have been slim, the outcome would have been the same.

I didn't have knee surgery 'earlier in life' because I'm overweight, I had knee surgery to repair damage from an accident.

Are you sure all of the people in that waiting room were there for the same type of surgery? Because a waiting room of 40 people being consulted for the exact same surgery would be exceedingly rare. My point is, you don't know the backgrounds or causes of anybody else's injury - yours was a car accident, right? How do you know other people there weren't also there as a result of a car accident, but they happen to be overweight too? Because that's confusing correlation with causation.[/quote]
It's a very well known fact that obesity causes massive issues with the joints:

"Obesity frequently contributes to soft tissue damage and osteoarthritis—a progressive wear- and-tear disease of the joints. The impact of obesity is especially felt in osteoarthritis of the hip and knee joints. Every pound of body weight places four to six pounds of pressure on each knee joint."

www.aaos.org/contentassets/1cd7f41417ec4dd4b5c4c48532183b96/1184-the-impact-of-obesity-on-bone-and-joint-health1.pdf

Someone who is obese is wearing out and damaging their joints significantly quicker than someone of a healthy weight. It's not a huge leap to propose someone who is obese would have had a worse outcome a younger age when it comes to their knees, regardless of the method they were injured, they wouldn't have been in the best condition to start with.

Saying that a lot of children put on weight due to lockdowns.

@lambchop81

How old are your kids? Are they with you 24/7?

You cannot physically force a child to exercise if they don’t want to.
You can not stop a child eating unhealthier at school or the other parents house or when out with their friends etc

It’s easy to blame everything on the parents but at the end of the day there are a lot of other things going on in a child’s life.

@Chichimcgee

So you do judge parents for things that you consider to be neglect and abuse?

No, I don’t (or try not to) judge anyone. It’s not my place to. If I think a child is being neglected I’ll contact social services or school and let them deal with it but I’d never judge the parents as I’d never know their particular circumstances or situation.

I'm sorry but do you know what the word "judge" means? It doesn't mean be nasty about someone it means form an opinion about their actions. You say yourself that in a case of neglect and abuse you would decide (judge) whether it was neglect and abuse and act on that judgement. So I think you might just be misunderstanding what is meant by "judge".

@Rockhopper81 - I can't really disprove what you say - but of course, all I am saying is that in a back surgery clinic, 40 people were obese, which would significantly affect the course of their treatment, the need for it, and the extent of the recovery. That's just what clinical guidance reflects.

As I've said, whether you are obese or not makes a difference for the nature of the treatment you receive, its success, longevity, and overall health for back injury. It may make the difference as to whether you have a healthy old age or not, one that is active.

Why is that hard to hear? The medical profession say it. They said that to me - it was a warning to maintain a healthy weight.

I asked because to sustain a knee injury which requires surgery is commonly affected by weight. You say not but that is clinical guidance. If you are young, and obese, then this surgery is quite common as is the injury. You need not be very active to do it, and that was why I asked you.

I try not to judge, but do wonder what the reason might be. I taught a lovely girl who was so overweight that she needed a hip replacement at 15. I often think about her.

I’d try not to judge. There are many factors that might be involved as already said and some of them are socioeconomic. It’s an important issue though and feels like it gets less attention than it used to in terms of policy making etc.

@Chichimcgee

For people who say there's nothing wrong with obesity, enablers, people with their head in the sand, what are they called?

Nobody is saying obesity is ok.
Just like people with a very low body weight isnt ok.
judging people isn’t ok.

And yet all the way through you've judged the OP for starting this thread?

Also the only people using language like 'fatties' and 'porkers' on this thread are posters like yourself who have come on to say how horrible the thread is

You obviously did not read some of rhe deleted comments where people have made offensive anecdotes about overweight people they have seen.

@azimuth299 - its not my place to judge anyone. Most parents are just working hard and doing their best. Clearly, if I saw a child was being neglected or abused, I would contact the authorities but I would not judge the parents at all. Report neglect or abuse is not judging anyone. Its merely caring for the child's welfare.

People should stop trying to justify this thread as 'important' and own it for what it is. An excuse to get all the pent up fat shaming out of your systems, now its frowned upon when done directly. The thread is no more 'helpful' or 'important' to discuss than 'show me your winter nail varnish'. There's not a single person on here who thinks childhood obesity is a good thing, so the endless repetition of how awful it is and tiresome anecdotes about fat kids you've seen serve no purpose other than as a cruel form of light entertainment. If you think people are in denial, repeating that ad nauseum is hardly going to change it. I was a fat child, I'm a size 8 adult with slim DC, so I've no skin in the game either way.

@5128gap

People should stop trying to justify this thread as 'important' and own it for what it is. An excuse to get all the pent up fat shaming out of your systems, now its frowned upon when done directly. The thread is no more 'helpful' or 'important' to discuss than 'show me your winter nail varnish'. There's not a single person on here who thinks childhood obesity is a good thing, so the endless repetition of how awful it is and tiresome anecdotes about fat kids you've seen serve no purpose other than as a cruel form of light entertainment. If you think people are in denial, repeating that ad nauseum is hardly going to change it. I was a fat child, I'm a size 8 adult with slim DC, so I've no skin in the game either way.

But surely the defensive rhetoric or denial is also a problem? I haven't seen any fat shaming here, but there are over 600 comments now, I may have missed something but overall I'm seeing some very thoughtful conversation tinged with utter outrage that anyone would dare talk about anything weight related.

@5128gap

People should stop trying to justify this thread as 'important' and own it for what it is. An excuse to get all the pent up fat shaming out of your systems, now its frowned upon when done directly. The thread is no more 'helpful' or 'important' to discuss than 'show me your winter nail varnish'. There's not a single person on here who thinks childhood obesity is a good thing, so the endless repetition of how awful it is and tiresome anecdotes about fat kids you've seen serve no purpose other than as a cruel form of light entertainment. If you think people are in denial, repeating that ad nauseum is hardly going to change it. I was a fat child, I'm a size 8 adult with slim DC, so I've no skin in the game either way.

People aren't fat shaming though, whatever that even means.

it is very sad how very many ignorant and judgemental parents their are, you might not produce overweight children but sadly will produce lots of bullies. no wonder it's such a huge issue in schools.

truth some situations are not straightforward as they may appear.

[quote GreekGod]@azimuth299 - its not my place to judge anyone. Most parents are just working hard and doing their best. Clearly, if I saw a child was being neglected or abused, I would contact the authorities but I would not judge the parents at all. Report neglect or abuse is not judging anyone. Its merely caring for the child's welfare.[/quote]
What does the word judge mean?

@PasstheBucket89

it is very sad how very many ignorant and judgemental parents their are, you might not produce overweight children but sadly will produce lots of bullies. no wonder it's such a huge issue in schools.

truth some situations are not straightforward as they may appear.

Being saddened or concerned about childhood obesity does not automatically mean that you are raising anorexic, psychopathic bullies!!!

If I ever heard that either of my girls were being unkind to anyone, for any reason, I would be furious! How on earth you've taken it upon yourself to accuse anyone here of that level of shitty parenting is beyond me.

@KurtWilde

Hope all you who judge without having a clue about the child or it's parents feel happy with yourselves. What a fucking depressing thread.

Can't say I'm particularly happy about seeing morbidly obese children, no.

Sure I don't know the personal circumstances of every single child out there - but I'm pretty certain that like most fat adults, they are fat because they eat too much. And for primary aged children, it is absolutely the fault of the parents.

I commented this on a different thread - but I'm sorry, there's a reason why people say first impressions matter. It's because 'judgement' isn't a conscious decision, it's something that happens when you see/hear something. Saying you never judge is just wrong. And it doesn't matter anyway if you're not voicing anything to the child or parent!

Fat shaming is trying to make people ashamed of their weight. Recent example on the thread being a poster asking another to explain how they fell over so they could tell them it was due to their weight, ie their own fault. Maybe it was, but it doesn't need a self righteous comment on the Internet to hammer that home to a poster who would already know this if it were the case. That's what medical professionals are there for. Fat shaming is decried because it is counter productive and cruel. But people detest fatness. This thread gives them the opportunity to vent their feelings in a more acceptable way, because its 'important' and 'for the children' Not all posters of course, some have made valid points, but there is a definite lack of willingness to listen to the lived experience of people who are struggling with their child's weight. You OP do appear to have a more open approach, but I think you're in a minority. Many people are contributing nothing but a litany of stories about fat children. How is that in any way helpful? And as for defensiveness, well what do you expect when people make gratuitous attacks on the way they raise their children and refuse to accept there can be any issues that prevent the problem being easily resolved?

Saddened by 'overweight' children is a bit much isn't it- i mean it sounds like you pity them. If a child is incredibly obese then that is obviously going to be quite difficult namely because of the bullying that will probably ensue. I'm unsure if an 'overweight child is desperately needing anyone's pity.

@PasstheBucket89

it is very sad how very many ignorant and judgemental parents their are, you might not produce overweight children but sadly will produce lots of bullies. no wonder it's such a huge issue in schools.

truth some situations are not straightforward as they may appear.

You think obese children are made by bullying children, and not overfeeding adults?

You think it's ignorant to see an obese child in a primary playground and think that it's probably the fault of the parents in their lives?

It's not saintly to say you don't judge. I'd argue that people trying so hard 'not to judge' are why children fall through the cracks - if the adults in their lives don't take responsibility to teach their children good eating habits, then who will?