To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

Also lol at the “my children are fat hit otherwise I’m a good mother” = “my children have a poor diet and don’t do enough exercise and will almost certainly be bullied and suffer all manner of health concerns but that pales in comparison to the other benefits of my mothering”?!

Ah I see - You're being deliberately obtuse, when that's how overweight people have been referred to on this very thread.

It is not possible by looking at children in a playground, to differentiate between those who are being over-fed or fed a poor diet and those children who are impacted by other physical and mental health issues that cause weight gain, so by my book, judging and shaming all parents of overweight children, and throwing words like abuse and neglect around willey-nilley is pretty damned unhelpful at best, and actually pretty cruel.

Like I said, you're clearly enjoying it so crack on. I'm off to make dinner for my family and I will be hiding this thread, it's just disgusting.

@Arsewangry

Ah I see - You're being deliberately obtuse, when that's how overweight people have been referred to on this very thread.

It is not possible by looking at children in a playground, to differentiate between those who are being over-fed or fed a poor diet and those children who are impacted by other physical and mental health issues that cause weight gain, so by my book, judging and shaming all parents of overweight children, and throwing words like abuse and neglect around willey-nilley is pretty damned unhelpful at best, and actually pretty cruel.

Like I said, you're clearly enjoying it so crack on. I'm off to make dinner for my family and I will be hiding this thread, it's just disgusting.

I have said anything about abuse or neglect, so perhaps address the posters that have if you're going to mention it. Good job you've flounced if you can't be bothered to read it properly.

No, I don't.

I don't judge any parent

@LexMitior

A good clinical outcome is not one you can claim, is it? That's on your surgeon's skill.

As I initially said, I twisted it standing up - it was a simple case of my knee twisting in a way it's not designed to, a 'freak accident' if you like. My weight had no bearing on the accident that caused the injury, or the extent of the injury.

And whilst no, I cannot claim a good surgical outcome, the clinical outcome overall (as in, restored mobility and much reduction in pain) was somewhat down to following the post-operative advice, so that part I can claim part of it.

I feel like you're looking for a way to make this about my weight - when I have a explained carefully, and in more detail than anyone is owed, how it's not - because it suits your argument...would you be as keen to hear how my cousin tore her ACL? Or does it not matter, because she's not fat? I shall save you the trouble of asking - she too did it in a 'freak accident' kind of way, bending down to pick something up in her work vehicle and it popped on the upright movement. Again, not related to her weight, but that doesn't matter, does it?

@GreekGod

No, I don't.

I don't judge any parent

You don't judge any parent for anything? You don't think that there is a minimum acceptable standard of care for children?

There is so much denial it is sad. Of course there are some conditions that cause children to become fat but that accounts for barely any. I can't help but feel intense sadness for the kids being doled out mars bars and a can of pepsi everyday after school when they waddle to meet their parents. Poor kids.

I know that if I crack down on my kids eating and activity for a six to 12 months they'll be fine, because I know how to do that

I’m so pleased your kids are little robots who do as they’re told who don’t have choices at school/other parents/grandmas house.

I can't help but feel intense sadness for the kids being doled out mars bars and a can of pepsi everyday after school when they waddle to meet their parents. Poor kids.

Obviously that’s wrong and nobody is saying that is right.
The question is do you judge

You have no idea of anyone’s circumstances, health issues or whatever and it’s disgusting that you would see an overweight child, judge the parent assuming they dole out Mars bars and Pepsi’s. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t but it’s not your place to judge.

I'm so saddened by this. I have a child with SEN, they are definitely overweight, due partly to some medication they take and not helped by underlying health conditions. We work really hard on not making it worse and have been literally begging for help. Judge away. I'm too tired to care.

You don't judge any parent for anything? You don't think that there is a minimum acceptable standard of care for children?

Why is it your business to judge parents?
You’re happy to take a 2 minute snap shot of what you see and judge away.
If there’s genuine neglect/abuse or anything going on then it is up to the school/doctor/people who know the family, even yourself if you know details to get help for the child rather than just sitting by judging the parent to be shit.

@Arsewangry

This thread is disgusting. One of the most self congratulatory, self righteous I have ever read on here. I can't believe it's been left to run. I've seen threads zapped for far less, but hey it's fatties and porkers getting a bashing but that's ok.

I really don't think this is the case overall, this is a discussion about a very real health issue that many people are in complete denial about. As a nation we are getting bigger and unhealthier and if we don't talk about it because it might offend then how will things ever improve.

@funinthesun19

I’ve just been watching 10 year old DS do his swimming lesson. He’s overweight but he eats a well balanced diet. I honestly don’t know why his weight has shot up. Could I possibly be puppy fat?

Everyone in his class is skinny, so he definitely sticks out like a sore thumb and no doubt everyone is judging me (and him). I’m skinny and all his siblings are skinny, so it’s not a family thing.

Could be, if he wasn't like it before. Mine put on a bit of chub at that age just before shooting up.

The thing is though I can't imagine bringing my dc up to be so judgmental of others and thinking I was a good Mother for encouraging such unkindness. Like I said previously, we have the opposite at the schools my DCs go to many more girls with the very very thin legs, so many skinny girls, it seems to move in that direction by year 6. I have had to move away from one of DDs friend's Mum as she wants to talk about how much all the girls eat all of the time, as my DD is thin she thinks I'm on board with this low level nastiness but I think she's pretty shallow and don't think itnos coming from a place of concern at all.

@Goldenbear

The thing is though I can't imagine bringing my dc up to be so judgmental of others and thinking I was a good Mother for encouraging such unkindness. Like I said previously, we have the opposite at the schools my DCs go to many more girls with the very very thin legs, so many skinny girls, it seems to move in that direction by year 6. I have had to move away from one of DDs friend's Mum as she wants to talk about how much all the girls eat all of the time, as my DD is thin she thinks I'm on board with this low level nastiness but I think she's pretty shallow and don't think itnos coming from a place of concern at all.

Who is bringing up their children to judge others on their weight or encouraging unkindness, the people pointing out the truth if which you have no idea what they say to their children? Yes pressure to be very slim is also an issue, and I imagine most people would acknowledge its a problem that could have implications for children down the line and be keen to try and find and support solutions. The same isn't true for children who are overweight, it's always mind your own nothing to see here.

@Rockhopper81 I think I'm trying to make is that weight is a factor in the injury you received and why you did have that injury. It doesn't have to have caused it alone of course - I don't actually know you or whether you are obese or not. However, obesity is a well documented aspect of needing knee surgery earlier in life, barring accidents.

My point was that in a surgery of 40 people who were waiting for a clinical consult for back surgery then it was clear obesity was a very significant factor in needing surgery. Medical advice was to lose weight (plus point being obese is dangerous in surgery also) These people would have been in serious pain to even be there, and yet, the obvious thing for most of them would have been to lose weight and avoid the knife. That was the advice their surgeon gave them on the basis of the current guidelines for this kind of surgery.

Severity of treatment such as surgery or the clinical outcome can only be improved by losing weight or maintaining healthy weight. Why is it so contentious to you for me to say that? The evidence is that excess weight affects you as you age, that is not contentious either.

Your knee injury is of course something you will have to take care of - does that not prompt you think about the future?

@Arsewangry

This thread is disgusting. One of the most self congratulatory, self righteous I have ever read on here. I can't believe it's been left to run. I've seen threads zapped for far less, but hey it's fatties and porkers getting a bashing but that's ok.

Wanting a thread "zapped" because it makes you uncomfortable to talk about a very real problem faced by many children in the UK says more about you than any body else.

Anyone who wishes to scroll back through the comments will see that the vast majority of unsavoury language and nasty jibes are coming from the people who think there's nothing wrong with childhood obesity... take from that what you will.

My point was that in a surgery of 40 people who were waiting for a clinical consult for back surgery then it was clear obesity was a very significant factor in needing surgery.

Interesting that you assume obesity is the factor in needing a job surgery and not that needing back surgery leads to obesity due to being unable to exercise.

@Chichimcgee

You don't judge any parent for anything? You don't think that there is a minimum acceptable standard of care for children?

Why is it your business to judge parents?
You’re happy to take a 2 minute snap shot of what you see and judge away.
If there’s genuine neglect/abuse or anything going on then it is up to the school/doctor/people who know the family, even yourself if you know details to get help for the child rather than just sitting by judging the parent to be shit.

So you do judge parents for things that you consider to be neglect and abuse?

Family member has daughter who although is only 17 has several medical conditions as a result of her weight. GP had to get tough and push them to see dietician as daughter now needs to eat a diabetic diet. Whole family are morbidly obese and are not active.
Rest of relatives have skinny or normal weight kids.
I have seen what that daughter eats and I knew a decade ago the girl was heading towards health problems because of it. Her younger brother is heading towards the same path. I do judge my relatives for what they have done. The children were always obese and it would of been better to intervene much much earlier.

@PaddleBoardingMomma

It's not talking about obesity in a helpful way though, it's just ignorant and self-congratulatory.

If you really want to be supportive of obese children, quit judging. Lobby your MP for better access to healthy food and crippling taxes on sugar-laden food.

Be nice to fat people. Or at least don't involve yourself with their lives.

Learn about the complexities of the obesity crisis, it is about so much more than parenting choices, it's about market manipulation and greed, not of individuals so much as businesses, the power of money over well-being.

But starting a mean thread on a parenting site is probably the least helpful thing you could do.

Fat people know they're fat. They know thin people judge them. They feel bad. Your smug little thread adds to their burdens.

@Chichimcgee

My point was that in a surgery of 40 people who were waiting for a clinical consult for back surgery then it was clear obesity was a very significant factor in needing surgery.

Interesting that you assume obesity is the factor in needing a job surgery and not that needing back surgery leads to obesity due to being unable to exercise.

Now that's your assumption - there's nothing to you don't need to maintain a healthy weight if you need back surgery, its a good idea. That was the advice I got, btw. So I think we agree.

Obesity and back pain needing surgery go together. But the decisive aspect is weight, isn't it? You will have a better long term outcome if you are healthy weight before, or lose it before surgery.

So you do judge parents for things that you consider to be neglect and abuse?

No, I don’t (or try not to) judge anyone. It’s not my place to. If I think a child is being neglected I’ll contact social services or school and let them deal with it but I’d never judge the parents as I’d never know their particular circumstances or situation.

Lampshading, I would imagine and from personal experience with an acquaintance that this attitude does rub off on the DC's outlook, even if they are not directly saying anything to their DC. I was saying in response to Giraffesandbottoms post that implied someone can't be a good mother if they let their child become overweight. I'm just pondering if you can call yourself a 'good' Mother if you encourage general unkind judgemental attitudes.

I've been called "fatphobic" several times over on this thread (which is nonsense in many regards not least because I'm not afraid of fat) but I wonder what the opposite term is? For people who say there's nothing wrong with obesity, enablers, people with their head in the sand, what are they called?