To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

I try not to but I do. My own niece became quite obese in yr2. Parents couldn't work it out but it turned out she was creeping downstairs at night and eating biscuits and sweets from the kitchen, it was when she went for the sugar bag they realised due to the trail of sugar. They've since managed the problem (had to lock the kitchen at night as a last resort) and she's slowly losing it.

But carrying excess weight puts more strain on your body regardless of overall health, joints, organs...just as being substantially underweight does. People can kid themselves that they're overweight and healthy, or that people who are slim are probably also unhealthy, both of which may be true, but the act alone of having fat is really bad for you, and the habits picked up in childhood stick around for a lifetime. Its a shame it can't be spoken about for fear of offending someone, because it poses a real risk to people.

" The person I know who eats the most I've ever seen is a size 4-6"

You're not with her all the time are you?

I love how MN is always banging on about under resourcing the NHS but when we look at one of the key drivers of long term problems it's being judgemental.

We're not on about those kids with genuine underlying health conditions or kids who carry a little weight (one of the boys in DS2's class is a little chunky but from his frame generally you just know he's going to be a sodding great big monster). We're on about the kids who wear adult clothing at 11 because they're fat. There is one in DS1's year and frankly my heart goes out to him as he's going to catch an insane amount of shit.

And being as he's not going to be buying his own food, yes I'm judging. He's going to get bullied horrendously because someone else isn't doing their job and that's not fair or right.

We do not all have cancer cells in our bodies - our bodies are constantly producing new cells, some of which may turn cancerous, but we don't have cancer cells just floating around inside us.

Also, diabetes is not caused by ingesting sugar - there needs to be a genetic predisposition to diabetes, which is then 'activated'; in the case of T2 diabetes, it's often lifestyle and obesity that activates it, but ingesting sugar can't give you diabetes.

Yes, I agree with PP, plenty of parents of thin children are not judged for their rubbish diet or semi-rubbish diet as it is the thinness that is almost a virtue rather than the health. Recently my DD, 10 and her friends were weighed and measured at school for the NHS stats. Two of her friends were labelled as overweight, my DD is quite slight and was 'healthy' but she does eat quite a few biscuits, chocolate and pizza etc. As does her brother who is a teenager but can eat what he wants and never puts on any weight. She doesn't have a hugely better diet than them but the only difference is she won't finish stuff so even if it is chips from the chip shop she'll never ever finish them whereas her friends possibly don't. One other friend has a mum who finds eating problematic and this friend is very very skinny, she definitely thinks her thinness is a virtue and that's the best thing you can be as she is parroting her Mum's beliefs and opinions. It is very sad actually as there is more to life than weight.

Being slim doesn't automatically equal being healthy, the same way being overweight doesn't automatically equal being unhealthy.

It's still a dick move to judge people in general though, and you should probably have a word with yourself if it's something you find yourself doing regularly.

All of this.

@LexMitior

The thing is to not even start really - adults need to model a good diet for their kids and then the kids are healthy and not overweight. This is key. By the time you are trying to manage your own diet by reducing it or looking at the percentage of potatoes you eat and theirs then things are really difficult for everyone.

Adults would do well to manage themselves in terms of weight before having kids. You have to run after them anyway, makes it easier to conceive, and they are healthier too. Win win.

Indeed, the best weight loss tip is don't get fat in the first place. Sounds blindingly obvious but I think all of us, including parents of children, do need to keep and eye and at the earliest stages of weight creeping up, tweak things so that there is never a need for the extreme measures. Or even to discuss weight or food. I was listening to a dietician one day and she was saying to make sure your children have at least one pair of non elasticated bottoms (e.g. jeans) that they wear realitively regularly and normal growth withstanding obviously, where you can see if their weight is becoming an issue. Modern children's clothing scores very high on comfort which is great but perhaps too much of a good thing. I have my own pair of jeans that are like my marker, if I can still fit into them and look ok, then I'm happy enough. If I'm starting to seriously spill over, then I'll take it handy for a few weeks in treats etc. It would be great if we never had to think about these things but modern society is designed perfectly to make us as fat as possible and unfortunately, we have to take back control if we don't want to be fat.

I wasn't a fat child - I was 'solid', as in not super skinny, but not overweight or fat - but when I hit puberty the weight piled on. As an adult I've been diagnosed with PCOS - which generally has a metabolic component to it, thus facilitating weight gain - so it's clear in retrospect the issues started with puberty starting. Yes, the advise for PCOS is to lose weight, but because it's a bitch of a disorder, it actually makes it harder to lose weight. I have a couple of friends who also have PCOS who are slim and average weight (who both have poorer diets than I do, incidentally).

I was the same, still struggle massively with weight and loosing it is so hard because the PCOS. My own DD is 6, very tall and 'solid'. She's not fat or overweight but very active and has some envious muscle tone. Being a good head taller than most kids her age means she stands out when with kids her age, and I already see some signs she might also have PCOS.

I don't judge parents based on looking at their dc, you never know what's going on. Some times it will be poor diet, but rather than judge it's more helpful to see there is a need for education. Schools can teach kids to eat healthy but it only goes so far when the parents don't understand nutrition.

I think some of the attitudes towards weight on this thread are very concerning. Such strong accusatory language and hyperbole about one aspect of life and wellbeing, when there are countless things in our society that are less than ideal for children. And if truth be told, typically people do not have such stong feelings of concern and/or rage about things that don't impact them and theirs. If i was as angry as some people appear to be by the fact that some people and their DC are overweight, I'd probably want to do some work on myself to discover why it was such a trigger for me, before I deliberately or inadvertently passed my issues around weight onto my own children. To the OPs credit, at least she is recognising where her feelings come from.

"Being slim doesn't automatically equal being healthy

True.

" the same way being overweight doesn't automatically equal being unhealthy."

Not true. It's unhealthy to be overweight.

"It's still a dick move to judge people in general though"

Everybody judges. You are now judging people who judge.

"no end of posters have said they have bad diets, but they/their children are thin, yet people assume the parents of a fat child must be feeding them junk food."

It's about quantity of junk food as well though. You can unhealthily and be slim, but it's rare to overeat on unhealthy food and be slim.

Society holds messed up ideas about beauty for sure. Unrealistic damaging ideas about female beauty especially.

But there's also a terrible ignorance over food and exercise.
We don't want to get uncomfortable.
We don't want to go without.
We don't want to sweat.
We don't want to move.
I don't want to move...err, hang on

I say 'we' because we are all in it together. Maybe we're slim but work for the advertising company that manipulates people into buying processed food.
Maybe we're the preaching grandparents who buy the kids sweets all the time.

@5128gap

I think some of the attitudes towards weight on this thread are very concerning. Such strong accusatory language and hyperbole about one aspect of life and wellbeing, when there are countless things in our society that are less than ideal for children. And if truth be told, typically people do not have such stong feelings of concern and/or rage about things that don't impact them and theirs. If i was as angry as some people appear to be by the fact that some people and their DC are overweight, I'd probably want to do some work on myself to discover why it was such a trigger for me, before I deliberately or inadvertently passed my issues around weight onto my own children. To the OPs credit, at least she is recognising where her feelings come from.

I think it's more concerning that people don't see the issue. Older people now who are suffering with their health due to their weight were unlikely to be obese when younger, yet here we have a generation of which many are overweight, the impact of which we won't know fully until they're older. It's sad and scary. and yes other things sadly happen that aren't ideal for children, but that doesn't mean this isn't a concern. If a child was very underweight rightly so questions would be asked and hopefully support offered to the family and the child; if a child is very overweight there's a lot of tiptoeing around. Yes for a tiny minority there are genuine reasons beyond diet and physical activity, and yes there are socioeconomic factors, but they'll never be addressed whilst people are scared to.

To be over- or underweight is to be unhealthy to a greater or lesser extent.

Yes, you may be over- or underweight and still running marathons and eating nothing but fruit and quinoa and salads, but that does not mean your weight is not a problem.

Both my children are overweight. One of them significantly so. I can guarantee that even the most judge-y of you on this thread (and wow some of you really are, aren't you) will still not be judging me as much as I judge myself.

For context - I was a very healthy weight for my whole life until 4 or 5 years ago (I turned 40, started taking an anti depressant and the weight piled on). I did two pregnancies barely gaining any extra weight and quickly returning to my pre-pregnancy size 8-10. My husband is also a healthy weight.

My children were a healthy weight - pretty much tracking the centiles they'd been on since birth until a few years ago. My children's weight now is a combination of factors, but mainly my mental health and terrible marriage have taken a huge amount of my energy. This means I am not effectively parenting them when it comes to food and activity levels.

I am however doing a good job in lots of other areas. They are lovely, happy, kind children. They do well at school, have good friendships and a range of interests (including doing sports outside of school).

I know that if I crack down on my kids eating and activity for a six to 12 months they'll be fine, because I know how to do that, I'm not lacking the skills, just the emotional bandwidth right now. However the vitriol on this thread towards me and my kids is somewhat motivating me to find it, I have to say!

Of course people see the issue. How could they miss it? But a proportionate and healthy response is to look to your own life and take the actions you see fit to, and are able to. The level of feeling on this thread goes way beyond that, with the disgust way in excess of that shown towards other social issues. Being overweight is far from ideal, but the fear and hatred of it shown by some people posting doesn't indicate to me that they are coming from an entirely healthy place themselves. This is concerning as unfortunately many children particularly girls, become overweight at adolescence, and it is outside of parental control. The damage to these children such rigid and unempathic opinions about weight could do shouldn't be underestimated either. It's quiet possible to take a rational and balanced stance on this issue, but I feel many on here are not.

If i was as angry as some people appear to be by the fact that some people and their DC are overweight, I'd probably want to do some work on myself to discover why it was such a trigger for me, before I deliberately or inadvertently passed my issues around weight onto my own children

It’s a concern for me, the same way it would be if I saw a kid with obviously dirty matted hair, or cuts and bruises, shoes that don’t fit etc etc. It’s neglect and I am concerned for the child to be living like that (medical reason excepted) with the parents doing absolutely nothing to address it. I don’t have any issues around food, thanks.

I also judge women who have their faces stuffed full of Botox and smoothers.
I think it's a kind of mental illness.
Rejecting ageing.
Maybe there's a bit of that on this thread- the inability to accept the sometimes grotesque imperfections of being human.

Not that fat is grotesque to everyone. Fat models are always the most beautiful to draw in life drawing.

But back to the point- children shouldn't be over fed and under-exercised. Let them enjoy good health until they're old enough to neglect themselves.

Yes I do judge. My poor nephew was 6 stone by the time he was 5, He has been obses all his life and has an appalling relationship with food. It is entirely my sister's fault.

@tigerpants800

I also judge women who have their faces stuffed full of Botox and smoothers. I think it's a kind of mental illness. Rejecting ageing. Maybe there's a bit of that on this thread- the inability to accept the sometimes grotesque imperfections of being human.

Not that fat is grotesque to everyone. Fat models are always the most beautiful to draw in life drawing.

But back to the point- children shouldn't be over fed and under-exercised. Let them enjoy good health until they're old enough to neglect themselves.

Botox and the like isn't harmful to physical health though, whether it has roots in mental health is a different matter. Being overweight does, lots of people seem to assume people are focused on aesthetics, but it's not. You are correct many beautiful people are overweight, many slim people are ugly- but that doesn't change the fact that your physical health is affected.

Christ on a bike despite some posters explaining that weight gain in children isn't always down to poor diet and over eating, it's going straight over some of your heads isn't it!

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

Mumsnet - By parents for parents. Unless you're fat or have a fat kid, then you can fuck right off.

Exactly.

This thread is disgusting.

Nobody actually gives a single shit, it's the often seen 'concern trolling'. They're all just loving the opportunity to put the boot into the lazy fatties, whilst shoehorning in their own clothes size.

@scaredsadandstuck

Both my children are overweight. One of them significantly so. I can guarantee that even the most judge-y of you on this thread (and wow some of you really are, aren't you) will still not be judging me as much as I judge myself.

For context - I was a very healthy weight for my whole life until 4 or 5 years ago (I turned 40, started taking an anti depressant and the weight piled on). I did two pregnancies barely gaining any extra weight and quickly returning to my pre-pregnancy size 8-10. My husband is also a healthy weight.

My children were a healthy weight - pretty much tracking the centiles they'd been on since birth until a few years ago. My children's weight now is a combination of factors, but mainly my mental health and terrible marriage have taken a huge amount of my energy. This means I am not effectively parenting them when it comes to food and activity levels.

I am however doing a good job in lots of other areas. They are lovely, happy, kind children. They do well at school, have good friendships and a range of interests (including doing sports outside of school).

I know that if I crack down on my kids eating and activity for a six to 12 months they'll be fine, because I know how to do that, I'm not lacking the skills, just the emotional bandwidth right now. However the vitriol on this thread towards me and my kids is somewhat motivating me to find it, I have to say!

That is the most honest post I have read here in a long time. You will get there @scaredsadandstuck and so will your kids. You are aware of it and you are going to do something about it. Your kids are loved and happy and that is the main thing. Fair play to you for such an honest post.

Mumsnet - By parents for parents. Unless you're fat or have a fat kid, then you can fuck right off

Exactly this. All this faux concern but this thread is just a covert way of fat shaming kids and judging families about whom the majority of you know nothing.