To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

Sorry posted too soon, think sometimes it really is just luck of the draw

@Giraffesandbottoms

Also who are all these “big babies” who are fat now because they were big babies?! Were they 12lbs?! Both of mine were over 9lbs which is on the big size and didn’t lose any birth weight but they certainly aren’t fat. Once they start walking and running surely they burn it off?!

My overweight son was just under 7lb. He's clearly got his father's build and that side of the family are overweight.

I am struggling with how to handle it. It get difficult when they are at secondary school and you can't monitor their every move.
Sure I can give him a packed lunch. He will be teased - no one takes a packed lunch. I can give him no access to money. I don't think that will make him feel positive about himself.
He plays football outside of school. I have encouraged and suggested additional activities. I can't make him.

All suggestions welcome. As I said up up thread, I am very slim, as is his brother. I exercise most days. I am neither uneducated or poor.

It's sad seeing children who are clearly obese, it's hard work for them and a difficult way to live.

More often than not lifestyle is the cause, but there can also be SENs, medical and as they get older, emotional triggers. One of the most obese children I know also has a significant amount of emotional and developmental issues, and her "mum" does her best in very challenfing circumstances. It is a sad situation but I don't judge them for it. The root of those issues goes back from before she moved in with her "mum".

I would have to see a lot of poor lifestyle and know a lot about a family before blaming/ "judging" them. It's a complex issue and aside from the caveats, access to a balanced diet is not always easy, there are lots of external factors such as Disney Dads/ dotting grandparents, children with different needs and desires, a culture where food is a treat, access to healthier food and exercise. There's too much emotion wrapped up in food.

Siblings don't always have the same needs, and it's difficult to deal with that in a "fair" way.

But as a general in society there is a significant amount of denial and too many parents who are outraged by letters from routine health checks, and don't see the surplus fat on their big boned/ solid/ rugby player child.

It's a very complex issue.

I hope all those that feel sorry for obese children extend this to adults. The biggest predictor of adult obesity is childhood obesity, and once you are obese the likelihood of getting to a normal weight is infinitely small.

Fat children are, more often than not, going to be fat or obese adults if there is no intervention. That's why it is imperative to tackle a kid being overweight in early childhood (obviously if there are no underlying issues causing the weight gain). I can imagine it is near IMPOSSIBLE to monitor what a teenager eats, of course you can make healthy dinners etc but you are not there when they are out or at school and if they have money they will buy junk or raid the presses at night.

I do think there can be a case of...ahhh sure look at the size of me, it runs in the family, we are all big boned, he will grow into himself, he has his dad's build, he only has to look at food to put on weight, ahhh he hates going out to play/doesn't like running/not an active child etc, Sure ya can't fill him, he has hollow legs lol, we love food in this house, but if I didn't give him what he wants he would starve(not referring to SEN issues here), he is not fat, he is solid!
Most fat kids have fat parents and the parents are doing the shopping and filling the snack press, making the meals and gorging themselves aswell so it is a huge complex issue. The parents have issues with eating and pass it on to the kids..monkey see, monkey do.
Again, there is a small minority of chIldren who have underlying illnesses that cause weight gain but the vast MAJORITY are fed a shit diet. Show me a fat kid and I will show you a fat mother. That kid will grow up to be a fat teenager and in turn become a fat adult and a fat parent because the habits don't change and it just gets passed on.

Then the excuses start again, awhh we all suffer with weight probs, my Mam's side are big, it's in my genes etc etc.

Vicious circle.

I'm afraid I also would judge the parents and feel sorry for the child, while recognising that the sugar-filled contimuous snacking environment we are in with its constant pull of fast food, processed food, and white carbs does not make keeping a normal weight easy. An overweight child is 90% the cause of their diet which at primary or early secondary age only their parents can be responsible for. A poor diet is setting up the child for a miserable and less than healthy adulthood, where they are likely to always struggle with their food habits and weight and all the burden to their health that comes with being overweight. They are likely to crave the processed foods high in refined carbs and fat that they were accustomed to as a child, which will make keeping a healthy weight even harder.

My DC are both fit, normal weight and exercise or do sports every day without fail, swimming, football and running. Myself and DH are similar, I am thin and run most days, DH cycles as much as he can around work. I give them as healthy a diet as we eat but am very lucky they are not fussy. Differently to how I was brought up though, they do want or expect some sort or pudding after every dinner, and they are always encouraged to snack by their peers/ asked to bring them to sports clubs. The need and acceptance of constant snacking is another huge contributing factor to obesity. Giving your child a healthy view and upbringing around food without encouraging eating disorders is challenging these days. I find encouraging physical activity much easier and truly hope my DC will always find the time and inclination to keep active.

@hugr

I hope all those that feel sorry for obese children extend this to adults. The biggest predictor of adult obesity is childhood obesity, and once you are obese the likelihood of getting to a normal weight is infinitely small.

Nah, because once you're an adult you are in control and can do something about it.

@KittensTeaAndCake

So then what's the issue? If its temporary and doesnt affect long term physical and mental health then does it really matter?

Not to mention that once you are obese that there is very little you can do about it. The chances of achieving normal weight long term are about 1 in 210 for men, 1 in 124 for women.

@Giraffesandbottoms

I think this thread is horrible, but not for the reason everyone frothing is saying. It’s horrible because of the amount of scary denial in fat people and refusal to accept responsibility for fat children. Children aren’t “just that way”, because obesity has increased dramatically.

@DollyDingleberry
If you mention Gary Taubes one more time I will scream. He isn’t the oracle and whatever he is writing isn’t helping because everyone is still fat! And by the way, not all diets are restrictive and low calorie; and are perfectly easy and possible to maintain for life.

Wtf is with people and a lack of personal responsibility?

I agree.

Hope all you who judge without having a clue about the child or it's parents feel happy with yourselves. What a fucking depressing thread.

I think this thread is horrible, but not for the reason everyone frothing is saying. It’s horrible because of the amount of scary denial in fat people and refusal to accept responsibility for fat children. Children aren’t “just that way”, because obesity has increased dramatically.

I think it's a ticking time bomb and a lot have lost sight of what a healthy weight and balanced diet looks like. Some seem to think it's just people being shallow because of appearance, but it is wildly unhealthy and who knows the effects of people being obese since childhood and their bodies struggling on for decades will have in the future. Its scary but people don't want to address it for fear of being labelled fatphobic or something ridiculously minimising.

For context, I was a short, plump child, who grew into a slim teenager and has struggled with weight since l had children. I am in my fifties. My mother, born in the war and a child of rationing, was a plump child and has always struggled with her weight. An aunt on my father’s side of the family born in the thirties has also struggled with her weight. Both my grandfathers were as round as they were tall. Many people on both sides of the family have struggled with their weight over the years. My dad was slim and my brother and sister take after him. My husband is very slim. My children are adults now and two of them take after his build (my daughter is size 6). One son puts weight on more easily like me. It is so easy to judge other people but obesity is a complex problem. I was always very careful with my children’s diets and I find myself judging others if I see a supermarket trolley full of junk food but we know nothing about those people’s lives. They could be preparing for a party for all we know. It really is not our place to judge.

@Giraffesandbottoms

I think this thread is horrible, but not for the reason everyone frothing is saying. It’s horrible because of the amount of scary denial in fat people and refusal to accept responsibility for fat children. Children aren’t “just that way”, because obesity has increased dramatically.

@DollyDingleberry
If you mention Gary Taubes one more time I will scream. He isn’t the oracle and whatever he is writing isn’t helping because everyone is still fat! And by the way, not all diets are restrictive and low calorie; and are perfectly easy and possible to maintain for life.

Wtf is with people and a lack of personal responsibility?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

To be fair, there have been points raised about factors contributing to childhood obesity I hadn't thought of, so I'm grateful it's given me something to consider on that front... but I agree that the level of refusal to see it as a problem is probably the most surprising thing to me, so many people are "happy" to be fat and woe betide anyone who thinks passing that on to their children is to be questioned. It's really sad, actually.

I do judge when a 4 ye old has to roll to get up during sports day and can not run. The same sports day when parents were invited to have a picnic lunch with children and this child parents gave him two enormous white rolls, a giant bag of crisps to eat and a huge cake.

I'm amazed people pay so much attention to wait other people and their children are eating. Between four DC I've been to countless picnics, school trips, birthday parties, and days out where there are packed lunches. I honestly cannot recall what other people served their DC, by MN standards this must make me really odd as so many of you can remember with perfect clarity what others were eating.

I think letting a child eat that much is abuse.

Yes the children can lose weight...

Be nice if the parents didn't put them in that position wouldn't it though.

Never mind I broke your leg. You can fix it. Or potentially have a life long issue with your leg, because it was broken in childhood. I did nothing wrong.

I don't think it's the people who feel for those children are ignorant, as opposed to the ones inflicting that on them.

@Hospedia I took not because this 4 year old was rolling on the floor the get up from seared. He was enormous, he sat down for lunch next to me and was offered two massive sandwiches, a film bag of doritos and a quarter slab of cake and a can or Dr Pepper! So yes I noticed

Thats should say seated

I struggled with my weight as a child, so I think I understand these feelings and desperately don't want my DD to ever feel like I did.

I actually remember a friends mother being quite unkind to me about my weight. I wasn't obese but I was never a petit slim child. I was the tallest in my class until perhaps 10.

Come to think of it, I think a lot of the issues I had with how I felt about myself were because of other people.

So I probably would do the same as you, have a moment of blaming the parents then give myself a talking to

Not all of them and not strangers who i dont know.

Yes i judge my friend who complains about her MIL comments on her 9 year old being overweight who buys her size 12 adult clothes saying its metabolism and then i see her feeding her adult sized meals, huge bags of crisps as a snack and allows her to eat all the butter pats and sugar packets in a cafe and has never taken the child to an exercise group or swimming.

I have tried talking to her but she gets really cross she genuinely cant see it. Had one of those letters from school and said it was due to her child being tall that school said she was overweight. Its not cute at 9 to wear mens r shirts with no medical issues.

I have a relative on strong steroids who is 11 and thin...he was allowed 1 piece of dark sugar free chocolate at a party once. Because his parents take responsibility and realise that he cannot eat like the others and stay slim.

Its about sacrificing short term gratification for long term health benefits.

The biggest issue here isn’t even aesthetics. It’s health!

One of my friends happily lets her children eat a packet of sweets and a packet of crisps a day. Genuinely doesn’t see the problem. Sweets and crisps are not real food. They are ultra processed shit, they feed bad bacteria into the gut microbiome which them causes health issues in the future. Not now, no. But later on. We all have cancer in us, our immune system goes around and deals with those cells. But if you keep feeding your body shit, it can’t do that job properly (for various scientific reasons) and those cells go bonkers and cancer becomes a tumour.

That’s one story about sugar and ultra processed foods.

There is also diabetes, Alzheimer’s, obesity and all that comes with that, and so on.

The fact of the matter is, if you feed your child real food and keep treats as treats, occasionally, your child will not be fat. Your child will also grow up understanding that crisps are not a staple part of a diet and will therefore teach their children the same, and so on.

It is stupidity, lack of education and downright ignorance that has bred a nation of fat, lazy people. It is not our fault in some ways - we are genetically programmed to seek high calorie foods ready for the famine we used to have in winter. But now we leave in a feast world, with companies trying to make as much money as possible, advertising McDonald’s and cakes and pizzas etc etc. the world is against our health because the world is greedy and wants our money, the sicker we are, the more money for pharmaceuticals, the diet industry (slimming world is worth billions - how many people do you know who followed SW, got thin and stayed there?) and the food industry.

Educate yourselves, educate your friends and families and stop hiding behind ‘you don’t get to judge others’.

No. I have three children. The younger two are very skinny. My eldest has autism and is overweight. School used food for years to control his behaviour as he’s motivated by food. They denied this of course. Since he’s been at a different school he’s lost weight, a lot of weight. His behaviour is very difficult when denied food.

You never really know what is going on in people’s lives so I don’t judge.

I think one of the clearest things on this thread is people conflating health and weight - no end of posters have said they have bad diets, but they/their children are thin, yet people assume the parents of a fat child must be feeding them junk food.

I wasn't a fat child - I was 'solid', as in not super skinny, but not overweight or fat - but when I hit puberty the weight piled on. As an adult I've been diagnosed with PCOS - which generally has a metabolic component to it, thus facilitating weight gain - so it's clear in retrospect the issues started with puberty starting. Yes, the advise for PCOS is to lose weight, but because it's a bitch of a disorder, it actually makes it harder to lose weight. I have a couple of friends who also have PCOS who are slim and average weight (who both have poorer diets than I do, incidentally).

There is some truth to size running in families, and not just for the reason of bad eating habits.

I think my biggest issue with judging of the parents of fat children - apart from it just generally being an arsehole move - is that you're judging based on a moral belief that you see outwardly 'disobeyed': you state that your concern is for health (and I've no doubt you honestly believe that), but because you don't instantly see and evidence of poor diet in a slim child, you don't immediately judge their parents. Being slim doesn't automatically equal being healthy, the same way being overweight doesn't automatically equal being unhealthy.

It's still a dick move to judge people in general though, and you should probably have a word with yourself if it's something you find yourself doing regularly.