To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

It's easy to judge but obesity is complex and our environment today is obesogenic.
One of my DC is overweight. Not massively so, certainly not by today's standards. But I notice and also by her BMI percentile she's overweight. The thing with her is that she loves food and eats more than other kids her age, she never says no to food. She's also not a naturally physically active child. She can sit and read or play lego or draw for hours, she's not one of those kids who have that impulse to run around. The two together = a propensity to become overweight.
We try our best. Thankfully she's not fussy and will eat most things so we give her lots of fruit and veg to fill her up on her plate, make sure her portion sizes are child sized (she can get more if she asks but she needs to be aware of what a portion really is and that she's having seconds), restrict the processed crap because she can demolish a ton of it so easily - but of course trying to do so without being overly restrictive and making it an issue! It's like a tightrope!! And the same with physical activity - constantly trying to find ways to make her more active but keeping it fun so it's not a chore.
So I do have sympathy for parents with overweight children. There's so much food available and being inactive at home is so easy for some children that it's very easy to gain weight. We work very hard to try to keep our DD's weight down (but also not driving her crazy about it) and she's still heavier than her peers. I can easily see her being obese if we took our hands off the rudder.

Yes, I do, but I would also never say a word.

There are only very rare occasions where children are overweight for a medical reason rather than a poor diet and sedentary lifestyle.
It's all on the parents. Some parents make bad decisions. Most often the parents are overweight too. Children aren't in control of what they are given to eat but they have to beat the consequences. It's not fair on them.

Its malnutrition.

If there are no other underlying causes or conditions that make weight an issue then it is totally on the parents to control.

I try not to judge because I understand how difficult it is(I'm working with a child now whose mother has these very concerns) but I also see many occasions where things are let slide because it's so difficult to stay on top of.

But it ultimately comes down to the parent persevering if the child can't or won't regulate food intake to get them as close to a healthy weight as possible.

Obviously physical activity is needed too but if you have a child who cant or won't move about then it must be all about diet. Input and output.

Yeah, I do.

I'm the same as op, was a chubby kid and to be honest with you, the bullying I had could have been avoided if my parents would have fed me properly.

@Chichimcgee

When you choose to have children you should choose to look after their health.

You can’t control everything, especially when they start secondary school. You can’t force them to exercise or tell every shop keeper not to let them buy junk food.

This has been my issue. For very overweight children under 10 or so, I probably do assume the parents are responsible and might judge.

However, I have a nearly 12 year old who in the past year or so has gained quite a lot of weight and is now definitely getting overweight. She has always had a good appetite but used to put it away and remain quite tiny. Now though, perhaps due to the fact that she is getting into puberty but also due to dropping some activities now she's at secondary school and having greater control over what she eats.

I find it so hard to know what to do. I have had many conversations with her about sensible choices, to the point where I definitely come across as nagging. I even said once that I though she had gained too much weight which of course upset her. I control portion size in the house and provide more packed lunches but she also wants some control over what she eats. It is hard when she sees friends making the same choices who remain very slim. I am very slim myself and have never had a healthy relationship with food so I also don't want to pass on any of my eating issues to her.

I agree with PP that children these days are more accepting of difference so I don't think it is as much of an issue socially as it was in the past but there is still the matter of physical health.

of course trying to do so without being overly restrictive and making it an issue! It's like a tightrope!!

Yes to this!

It’s all on the parents.

Free school meals or if you pay aren’t healthy at a lot of schools. Pizza and pasta seem to be the main meals.
Kids going to the shop or tuck shop deciding to buy chocolate or energy drinks.
Kids who go to granny’s house and eat cake and biscuits all day.
Kids who see their dad at the weekend for McDonald’s and takeaway.

The fact that you would all judge a mum for having an overweight child without knowing anything at all about their situation/diet/needs is disgusting and you should be ashamed.

I don't understand a lot of words on MN, including "judge the parents" -- what does "judge" even mean in that situation. I honestly don't know.

I can form critical opinions about the parents of a heavy child when the parents do or say certain things that make no sense & sound like they are in denial or oblivious, like...

"He's just big like his father" No he's not, I've seen dad, he's a healthy size

"We're very worried about her weight!... we're going to stop walking to school because it takes too long... she doesn't like walking" so that will really help keep her weight down, won't it?

"yeah he's chunky... I suppose he does have a lot of milkshakes" do you think there might be a link, then?

"She's 7. I have to buy age 11 trousers and shorten them... same for her siblings... yes my house is spotless I have a strict cleaning routine. We live a mile from school but would never try to walk it ... can't believe how much mud gets on the shoes!" so I know where your priorities lie, then

If my response amounts to judging... it's not because of the child's size so much as what I can see the parents are or aren't doing & thinking about it.

lumpofcomfort

I'm working with a parent with a child around the same age and shes feels she's doing all she can as 90% of the childs over eating is happening when she cant really be around..ie child is getting extra things from kids at school, running to the shops after school with a few euros and buying as much as they possibly can and shoveling it down before they get to after school activity, then at activity trying to secretly open more things to eat and then hiding the 'evidence ' in the bin before home time.

Mum thought she was going mad until leader at actively started to twig on.

I do genuinely feel sorry for the mum but then there are times where she is in a hurry (understandable, single, working mum!) and will give child 5 euros to get a sausage roll on the way to school, they will buy one for 1 euro and spend the rest on cheap large packets of biscuits or doughnuts or share size bars to eat throughout the day but of course she's not around to see that.

It's so tough because you cant be there all the time and also dont want to "make food an issue" but it already is an issue.. so it's a difficult operation.

Some parents slack off on the rules sometimes because they're in a hurry or don't want the argument or don't want to make it an issue.

Its understandable. But does not help.

@lljkk

That's a really long winded way of saying yes, you're judgemental. 🤷‍♀️

@Catra

No, I wouldn't, for the same reason I wouldn't judge an underweight child - you have no idea whether it's the parent's fault or not.

My daughter is below the 0.4th centile for weight but that's because she has stage 4 chronic kidney disease, not because I am starving her.

It also makes no difference to ascertain "fault", judging is simply a tool for those seeking to elevate themselves.

One of my 4 is overweight, though prob not by much. You wouldn’t pick it in clothes but she has extra around her abdomen. She is on the cusp of puberty and should be due her proper growth spurt soon.

It’s not lack of exercise - she swims about 4 hours/week, has 3 hours at the beach on Sunday mornings doing nippers and Saturday afternoons doing athletics. She’s a pretty good swimmer. She also has PE at school, currently also swimming, 3 times/week.

She’s a bit picky with food but most of what she eats is healthy and DH and I cook nearly every night.

She just really loves to snack, can’t walk past the cupboards and fridge without seeing what’s in there. I don’t think she’s gained any over the long school holidays here, based on uniforms not tighter etc but that’s because we had to make sure there’s been no biscuits or whatever in the house.

I do feel responsible and I do take responsibility for ensuring she slims down a bit during her growth spurt.

sweetbellyhigh, I guess so.

I never look at fat kids & think "they must have bad parents!" or "it's the parents' fault" or "It's all on the parents" or "the kids aren't fed properly" or "it is totally on the parents to control" or "it's a form of neglect" or it's "lazy parenting"

Those words that other ppl on this thread said -- I don't think any of those words or have those opinions, simply because I see a fat kid. I don't think any of those things in the 'denial & oblivious' real life examples I gave, either.

@Lorieandrews

A little overweight no, they say some 70% children are overweight. My children were very small. Too small so we saw a dr. Because they were very premature and struggled to gain. I remember the dr telling me they so rarely see tiny children. Most deal with overweight children.

Very large children I don’t judge the child. I judge the parents for sure. It’s neglect.

That's really not a good statistic.

when you look at other countries, they do not have the level of obesity that we have, other than the USA

This isn't true actually. The UK is 73rd / 84th (for girls / boys) on the list for childhood obesity rates. Lots of countries above us.

data.worldobesity.org/rankings/?age=c&sex=f

I have one child underweight and one overweight. Both fed the same diet. It baffles me.

I'm on the underweight side myself.

,I don't just shrug my shoulders and let him eat whatever he wants
Autistic kids are not all the same though. I have one whose safe foods are healthy and literally would starve if they are not available.
Thr other one is 16 and is larger because the safe foods are not as healthy. Of course I don't just shrug my shoulders but as said child barely leaves the house due to anxiety it is not easy.
The stain on the whole family is immense.

@GiantSpider That’s really interesting!

I think this thread is horrible, but not for the reason everyone frothing is saying. It’s horrible because of the amount of scary denial in fat people and refusal to accept responsibility for fat children. Children aren’t “just that way”, because obesity has increased dramatically.

@DollyDingleberry
If you mention Gary Taubes one more time I will scream. He isn’t the oracle and whatever he is writing isn’t helping because everyone is still fat! And by the way, not all diets are restrictive and low calorie; and are perfectly easy and possible to maintain for life.

Wtf is with people and a lack of personal responsibility?

@Steelesauce

I'll admit, I do judge. My kids don't have a perfect diet but are all slim. They have sweets, chicken nuggets, chips, puddings etc. Regularly so I do wonder what on earth people are feeding their kids for them to get so big.

When I've had some of my sons bigger friends over, they eat adult sized portions and still say they are hungry. I once watched one of their mums let their 7 year old eat an entire pack of biscuits.

It's not always that simple. I know plenty of families where the kids all get fed the same diet and have similar activity levels, yet one is skinny and the other is overweight.

Also who are all these “big babies” who are fat now because they were big babies?! Were they 12lbs?! Both of mine were over 9lbs which is on the big size and didn’t lose any birth weight but they certainly aren’t fat. Once they start walking and running surely they burn it off?!

We had 2 siblings at secondary school who were morbidly obese. So were there parents. It was so fucking cruel and awful for them - no one bullied them (luckily) but they were both so, so unhappy snd 10 years later they are still morbidly obese. It is so hard for them to break the cycle.

I know quite a few families where one child is noticeable over weight and the parents and siblings slim. I also know people who eat far less and more healthy than I and are far more active who are significantly overweight where as I have always been slim, too slim at times. The person I know who eats the most I've ever seen is a size 4-6