To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

Not had a chance to read the whole thread but an outsider who did not know my kids had ARFID/ASD/ADHD would see one and think I was starvig them and that I was overfeeding the other. They would not see the constant battles and stresses which have impacted on my own weight too
This is the problem with judging people you don't know. .so I would love someone to paraphrase how this was dealt with.

[quote pikapikapukachu]@knitnerd90 what research is showing childhood obesity doesn't have an adverse impact on health? [/quote]
What I'm saying is that we have a lack of good evidence, not positive evidence against. There's a significant difference.

[quote Porcupineintherough]@Susiesue61 because she needs a different amount of calories to maintain her body weight? Boys do have a higher metabolism than girls and there are individual differences also.[/quote]
Absolutely, but you try giving 2 children supper or a snack after football because they're hungry, and telling one they can't because they're too fat?! Especially when she's the only girl. It's not as simple as people think, when they don't have that problem.
I'm not making excuses for her, she loves food, but at one point she was doing 10 hours plus of training per week - she was still overweight

I don't, probably because I am one of the mothers with a severely overweight child. I'm sure people look at him and look at me (I am obese) and assume it is my bad parenting which has affected him.
He has a twin, who is exactly the right size and weight for his age. He weighs nearly twice as much and is half a foot taller.
He is autistic with learning disabilities and also has been diagnosed with a genetic disorder which is the cause of his accelerated growth.
Both of my boys eat a fairly healthy diet and both are active. So I know the truth and everyone else will just think what they want to.

Really? You control every meal your children eat? They don't get school dinners, food from grandparents? They never take anything out of the cupboards? I have teenagers at this point; they know how to cook.

I control what's served at dinner. I don't control every bite that goes into my children's mouths.

It must be "everyone else" making these kids fat then. You're just being contrary now. OP was talking about a primary aged child. Not a 17yr old, far more capable of their own food choice. As you well know.

The food our children eat is largely down to us as parents. They aren't fat because on Saturdays, Jean next door gives them a donut.

Oh come on @knitnerd90. Parents have enough control over their children's eating and exercise habits. If a child is not overfed and home and is given enough exercise, having dinner at granny's house is not going to make them obese, ditto school dinners.

[quote Tynetime]@PaddleBoardingMomma no not an advantage but it doesn't have to restrict you in terms of sports and activities.
My response and the one I was replying to was in response to someone implying that an overweight or obese person can't be proud of what their body can do because they probably have lots of things they can't do which is not necessarily so.[/quote]
I'm with you now. That's fair enough.

The food our children eat is largely down to us as parents. They aren't fat because on Saturdays, Jean next door gives them a donut.

Exactly! It’s always someone else’s fault. If your DC is obese (without a medical issue) then it is your fault, stop making excuses, putting your fingers in your ears or reporting threads and do something about it.

Can't be bothered to rtft but in answer to OPs question, no, I don't judge because I have no idea what factors may be at play.

I was a very overweight child. It had nothing to do with overeating, neglect or bad parenting. I had to take medication for a health issue that wasn't openly evident. The medication caused severe fatigue and low mood. I had no interest in PE or riding a bike etc because it knackered me out in the first 20 minutes. So I gained weight during the 8 years I needed the medication (8yo-16yo) but was able to lose it after that.

2 of my DC have also had weight issues as a result of health problems. And people can stick their judgment up their arse.

So no judgement from me.

I feel sad for extremely overweight children because I know they are likely to be facing problems - but whether those problems are ill health, bullying, neglectful parenting, emotional problems, poverty, difficult family circumstances, abuse, disability, food addiction or something else I obviously have no idea. Whether feeling sad for the child equates to judgement of the parents, I'm not sure. I hope not but possibly.

My oldest daughter was diagnosed with anorexia at 11 (she's an adult now and still not entirely okay). Another of my children has what I would call significantly disordered eating if not an actual eating disorder. So I feel I'm in no position to judge anyone else for the weight or diet of their child!! But I definitely feel sad for children at both ends of the weight spectrum.

Really? You control every meal your children eat? They don't get school dinners, food from grandparents? They never take anything out of the cupboards? I have teenagers at this point; they know how to cook.

I control what's served at dinner. I don't control every bite that goes into my children's mouths.

Thinking about it, I actually do. They don't have school dinners because one has autism and extreme sensory issues to do with food (which I manage, I don't just shrug my shoulders and let him eat whatever he wants) and one has the choice and chooses a packed lunch.

We live very far from their grandparents. When they see them of course they spoil them but it's rare enough that it wouldn't affect their weight. If they saw them all the time and were constantly overfeeding them then I would put a stop to it.

No they never take anything out of the cupboards, they always ask for a snack if they're hungry. If they ask for a snack I usually say yes but if they had already had a sugary snack that day I would offer something healthy. If they took food from the cupboards without asking then I would tell them off. If it kept happening I would find the root issue and attempt to tackle it (Making meals more filling maybe? Maybe a healthy snack box always available? Depends on the underlying reason.).

When they get older they will of course have more control over their meals but my children are primary school aged, and it's primary school aged children that we are talking about.

My response and the one I was replying to was in response to someone implying that an overweight or obese person can't be proud of what their body can do because they probably have lots of things they can't do which is not necessarily so

Except that’s not what I said. Of course their bodies are still amazing. I said there must be things an obese child can’t do.

2/3 of mine are autistic, and that has a great deal to do with why I don't see myself as having a huge amount of control. I can certainly refuse to give them certain things, but that's as far as it goes. If they decide they're not eating something, it's not getting eaten. Children can gain weight even without eating chips and cakes. One of mine went through the white diet phase.

@knitnerd90 we know that being overweight or obese puts you at a higher risk of developing a range of conditions such as type 2 diabetes. We also know that overweight / obese children are highly likely to become overweight / obese adults. So no not every obese child will develop diabetes, but their risk is much higher than that of a. Gild that is a healthy weight. To deny this is just sticking our head in the sand.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4408699/

No, of course not. That would be nasty.

Who knows what's going on there? I think most parents (though I'm aware that's not all) love their children and want what's best for them.

Seeing how difficult it is to get DD to eat (anything) I can easily imagine that other parents might struggle to get their kids to eat healthily or stick to sensible portions.

I wonder if people judge us for DD being so thin. Maybe they think we are starving her on purpose.

I’m a retired teacher. I often noticed what children brought for snacks and lunches, and the very overweight children often had several desserts and much larger portions than was typical. One very overweight girl from a very overweight family would bring baked goods every day, since her dad worked in a bakery. The girl wasn’t teased at that age but in the following years she was. I did silently blame the parents because it was all avoidable. Very sad.

@furballfun

Depends just how overweight we're talking - one of DD's friends (Y4) is on the heavy side, though definitely not obese. She will always eat if food is offered, and finish it. At one point I picked her up sometimes, and her mum would give me a carrot or apple as an after school snack while my own daughter was having cookies, but that was because my DD was eating virtually nothing at lunch time (this was when they were in KS1 so free lunches) as she's really fussy whereas her friend was eating everything (and possibly seconds). The friend's brother is really slim; it's hard to see what the parents should be doing that wouldn't seem discriminatory (between the friend and her brother).

I’ve been told on MN it’s pathetic to say this but scientists are finding that obesity and unhealthy food cravings are linked to gut bacteria. There’s a lot of refined carbs that people eat these days that aren’t healthy, and can lead to insulin resistance and all sorts of problems. Also, fat doesn’t make you fat. There’s a lot of corruption in nutritional data. The NHS recommendation of eating a lot of starchy foods as a basis for diet is not healthy. Some people can deal with it better for longer due to better metabolism and gut bacteria but it catches up with everyone.

[quote pikapikapukachu]@knitnerd90 we know that being overweight or obese puts you at a higher risk of developing a range of conditions such as type 2 diabetes. We also know that overweight / obese children are highly likely to become overweight / obese adults. So no not every obese child will develop diabetes, but their risk is much higher than that of a. Gild that is a healthy weight. To deny this is just sticking our head in the sand.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4408699/[/quote]
You can avoid type 2 diabetes by eating no or very low carbs but this is very expensive, unfortunately.

If I'm completely honest I do.

I was an overweight child and have struggled with being overweight my entire life. I remember coming home from school and eating junk food for snacks and I started to sneak food. I learned terrible eating habits from my parents, despite them not being overweight until they were 40-50s. I blame them for my weight while I was in primary school but acknowledge my responsibility in it after that.

I know full well why I was overweight then and why I'm overweight now. So while I have compassion for people with overweight children - knowing it can be for a variety of reasons I just feel like as the parent you have to teach your children healthy eating and exercise habits from a young age to give them the best chance at carrying those on to adulthood. Sure there are Sen exceptions but for the most part it's bad habits.

Yes I do. Not those who are on the cusp of puberty and a little plump (I have a couple of those myself) but those who are properly fat? Yes I do judge.

Gut bacteria or not. If you can see your child is getting fat then you take responsibility for that early doors and do something to stop it. If your child has unhealthy food cravings that does not mean you have to indulge them to the point of obesity.

When you choose to have children you should choose to look after their health.

No, I wouldn't, for the same reason I wouldn't judge an underweight child - you have no idea whether it's the parent's fault or not.

My daughter is below the 0.4th centile for weight but that's because she has stage 4 chronic kidney disease, not because I am starving her.

This is an awful thread. How the hell is it 'parents supporting parents' as the tagline for the site says?
Although it reminds me of the old joke - the children can lose weight; most of you will still be bigoted and ignorant.

When you choose to have children you should choose to look after their health.

You can’t control everything, especially when they start secondary school. You can’t force them to exercise or tell every shop keeper not to let them buy junk food.