To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

@knitnerd90

There's quite a lot of research saying obesity is a complex medical issue, but it makes people feel better to blame others for putting cake in their mouths.

Every news article on obesity will have researchers talking about how diets don't work and about complex feedback cycles controlling appetite and metabolism, and the comments will be full of "But diets work!"

If diets didn't work no one would ever lose weight...? I'm clearly missing something 🤷🏼‍♀️ think this thread has finally frazzled my brain.

The research is, basically, that only a small minority of diets result in long term weight loss. The vast majority of people, over 90%, will regain it in time. It's quite amusing when you look at studies claiming "success". One was that 30% of people managed to lose 10% of their body weight, and keep it off, for 18 months.

The exception is weight loss following bariatric surgery--which can still be regained, but has much higher long term success rates.

Also, yes, they tell you to lose weight for PCOS. But they haven't actually figured out a way for women to do that.

No one ever does lose weight on diets - 95% of people who lose more than 10% of their body weight gain it back in 2 years. Of the 5% who keep it off, 80% of those will regain the weight in 10 years.

The thing is to not even start really - adults need to model a good diet for their kids and then the kids are healthy and not overweight. This is key. By the time you are trying to manage your own diet by reducing it or looking at the percentage of potatoes you eat and theirs then things are really difficult for everyone.

Adults would do well to manage themselves in terms of weight before having kids. You have to run after them anyway, makes it easier to conceive, and they are healthier too. Win win.

@knitnerd90

The research is, basically, that only a small minority of diets result in long term weight loss. The vast majority of people, over 90%, will regain it in time. It's quite amusing when you look at studies claiming "success". One was that 30% of people managed to lose 10% of their body weight, and keep it off, for 18 months.

The exception is weight loss following bariatric surgery--which can still be regained, but has much higher long term success rates.

Also, yes, they tell you to lose weight for PCOS. But they haven't actually figured out a way for women to do that.

I didn't realise it was as high as 90%? That's depressing.

I dont think anybody who hasn't been obese really can understand how truly hard it is to change

Yes and this is why it's such a terrible thing to wantonly inflict on a small child.

Isn’t it just. It’s why this idea that being overweight is an issue of morality is so deeply flawed.

I was an overweight child. My brother was as skinny as they come. We were given the same food, same home life, same treats, same opportunities. My brother loved sports and was always running, biking, playing football, cricket, anything sporty. I loved books, drawing and baking. I also used to sneak treats from the cupboards and extra food from the fridge. This was harder and harder for my parents to control the older I got. There's no way me being a fat child was their fault, it was my personality and love of sweets and sedentary activities. We weren't poor either - we had home cooked meals every night and self catering holidays to Europe twice a year - so it wasn't all nuggets and Mars bars like people seem to think.

It didn't affect my friendships at all. I was hugely confident, funny and bright, good at school. Hated PE and sports day and used to always find ways to avoid activity but had a big group of close friends.

Obviously obesity isn't ideal - and I've struggled with my weight all my life- but neither is it the fault of my parents.

@knitnerd90

The research is, basically, that only a small minority of diets result in long term weight loss. The vast majority of people, over 90%, will regain it in time. It's quite amusing when you look at studies claiming "success". One was that 30% of people managed to lose 10% of their body weight, and keep it off, for 18 months.

The exception is weight loss following bariatric surgery--which can still be regained, but has much higher long term success rates.

Also, yes, they tell you to lose weight for PCOS. But they haven't actually figured out a way for women to do that.

They have in Sweden! The dietary advice for women with PCOS and patients with t2 diabetes in Sweden is to eat a low carb, high fat diet. They also routinely prescribe metformin for the treatment of PCOS for the same reason.

Its an interesting one because gluttony and sloth are old sins - to live a good life, you had to restrain yourself. Its a very old idea but not one with much traction these days.

I went to a UK holiday park a few years ago, and I'd take a guess that 50% of the kids staying there were overweight or obese. Most of them had overweight/ obese parents. The stark reality was quite shocking. What percentage of those kids really had medical conditions that caused them to be so big at a young age?
A parent starting a MN thread about how they've been told that their child is overweight but they disagree etc etc is a fairly common occurrence. As is people asking advice about clothes for a late primary / early secondary child who needs an adult small size now.
I honestly think we have got blind to what is overweight and what is normal.
When I was at primary school we had one overweight boy and one overweight girl on my class. That was it. They grew up to be obese adults.
Biology / metabolism/ development means that it will be pretty much impossible for the 10yo boy with breasts and who's thighs rub together to ever become but even more stay a normal healthy weight.
It's very very sad.

I think this generation of kids are more accepting of size. Bigger kids don't automatically get picked on. I think that's really positive in thinking that there are a range of sizes. I like it when my son looks in the mirror and describes himself as a big chungus (no, don't know what it means)

I was very surprised at just how many of my son's classmates had got fatter over lockdown.

I know mine had become less fit (doing football in the garden with me and the occasional joe wicks was nothing to x7hours of extra curricular sport a week). I did have some moments of internalised "oh no, my child is getting fat" which surprised me as I think I'm soooo nonjudgmental

I do think fatness is now a moral judgement and lots of people have very ugly views about it which wouldn't be tolerated for any other characteristic. The correlation between fatness and poverty is extensive. Shaming or judging doesn't help so why are people doing it? I don't want little kids internalising their bodies are wrong and getting on a self destructive path.

As an example I never talk about my hate of my body around my kids. I talk about stretching it or how much weight it can lift. We talk about nutrition and pleasure from food as well as balance. I hope they will go in to the world and not harm themselves or others with prejudice.

@knitnerd90

The research is, basically, that only a small minority of diets result in long term weight loss. The vast majority of people, over 90%, will regain it in time. It's quite amusing when you look at studies claiming "success". One was that 30% of people managed to lose 10% of their body weight, and keep it off, for 18 months.

The exception is weight loss following bariatric surgery--which can still be regained, but has much higher long term success rates.

Also, yes, they tell you to lose weight for PCOS. But they haven't actually figured out a way for women to do that.

Which is why it's so so important to help our children to be healthy and maintain a healthy weight. If not they are stuffed from the outset.

Fat is not like race or any other immutable characteristic protected by law - it is gained or acquired.

You can expect people to judge it because of that alone.

@knitnerd90

The research is, basically, that only a small minority of diets result in long term weight loss. The vast majority of people, over 90%, will regain it in time. It's quite amusing when you look at studies claiming "success". One was that 30% of people managed to lose 10% of their body weight, and keep it off, for 18 months.

The exception is weight loss following bariatric surgery--which can still be regained, but has much higher long term success rates.

Also, yes, they tell you to lose weight for PCOS. But they haven't actually figured out a way for women to do that.

But that’s because the people on the diets go back to their old habits. The diets work at the time.

@nodogz

I think this generation of kids are more accepting of size. Bigger kids don't automatically get picked on. I think that's really positive in thinking that there are a range of sizes. I like it when my son looks in the mirror and describes himself as a big chungus (no, don't know what it means)

I was very surprised at just how many of my son's classmates had got fatter over lockdown.

I know mine had become less fit (doing football in the garden with me and the occasional joe wicks was nothing to x7hours of extra curricular sport a week). I did have some moments of internalised "oh no, my child is getting fat" which surprised me as I think I'm soooo nonjudgmental

I do think fatness is now a moral judgement and lots of people have very ugly views about it which wouldn't be tolerated for any other characteristic. The correlation between fatness and poverty is extensive. Shaming or judging doesn't help so why are people doing it? I don't want little kids internalising their bodies are wrong and getting on a self destructive path.

As an example I never talk about my hate of my body around my kids. I talk about stretching it or how much weight it can lift. We talk about nutrition and pleasure from food as well as balance. I hope they will go in to the world and not harm themselves or others with prejudice.

Exactly this.

I want my son to love the things his body can do.

Im very thankful that he won’t be subject to Slimfast shakes aged 7 like I was (because a teacher mentioned to my mum that I was getting ‘chubby’ and the school nurse would be having a talk with her and mum thought that meant she was being judged so I had to lose the weight quickly).

@knitnerd90

This thread is classic MN! Some of you need better hobbies.

I'm overweight and have PCOS. One of my kids is overweight (she's a teen, about size 16 and 5'9"). One is right on average and one is underweight. Weight is massively more complex than just diet--there's genetics and other environmental factors.

None of them are particularly sporty (nor am I or DH) but they all get physical activity and home cooked meals. Lockdown was hard on DD as her activities were shut. Underweight DS does not care about food and has to be reminded to eat.

to be quite honest I really don't care that much about their weight. I know far too many adults who still remember their parents making a fuss over how much they ate and they say it set up bad eating habits for them. I think we'd all be a lot better off if we stopped thinking other people's weight was any of our business.

to be quite honest I really don't care that much about their weight. I know far too many adults who still remember their parents making a fuss over how much they ate and they say it set up bad eating habits for them. I think we'd all be a lot better off if we stopped thinking other people's weight was any of our business.

Are you saying you don't think parents should care that they've made their kids fat? Seriously?

I want my son to love the things his body can do.

But is he overweight or obese? If he is then there will be things his body can’t do, surely?

This is the worst thread I’ve read here in ages

Absolutely disgusting views - why is the child to be pitied?! Why all the ‘poor child’. Why are you staring at a child and speculating about her weight? What is wrong with you all?

The only reason fat kids will be bullied is because some kids are vicious nasty bullies who have parents spouting the kind of bile and venom I’m reading on here. Bullies don’t pick on kids because their is something wrong with the victim! They pick on other kids because they copy their parents and I bet a lot of your kids are bullies if they’ve heard this fatphobic shit on here.

Also people saying ‘I give my kids biscuits and they aren’t fat, god knows what the fat ones eat at home’ - they probably eat the same as your slim kids - their bodies just metabolise food differently for loads of reasons

All bodies are good bodies - how dare you be so awful about fat children and their parents. I’m absolutely livid

It’s not because people return to ‘old habits’ - semi starvation diets (calorie restrictions) result in weight regain because it’s near impossible to maintain a calorie deficit long term. That’s been proven with literally hundreds of studies which show that calorie restricted diets are ineffective for weight loss in the long term and there’s hormonal factors which influence this that are designed to manage feast or famine cyclical feeding cycles.

Honestly please read Gary Taubes, he explains it brilliantly through the actual studies and research on this stuff and his book is on audible.

Wow. I have two dc with ASD/ADHD. Both have ARFID. One is skinny and would just not bother eating if the texture/look/smelll etc etc isn't right.
The other one only eats very limited foods and goes off them easily but is overweight.
It is hard enough being a parent of SEN kids without realising you are bring constantly judged.

@KittensTeaAndCake

I want my son to love the things his body can do.

But is he overweight or obese? If he is then there will be things his body can’t do, surely?

He’s 10 months old.

My body is obese, it can run 15k, it grew and birthed a child. It can lift bags of concrete. People think all fat people are incapable of walking to the fridge and back but there are a great many of us who are able to do quite a lot.

Obesity in adults or children is an extremely complex issue. There is no support available in the cash strapped NHS.

My obesity started in my teenage years due to an abusive mother and now 30 years on, the scars of the abuse are carved into my emotional health and visible through my obesity.

I have dd10 and ds8 who are both a normal weight. I can sometimes feel the surprise in people's voices when they realise my normal sized, athletic, swimming team children are mine.

@Mmmmmmbop90

This is the worst thread I’ve read here in ages

Absolutely disgusting views - why is the child to be pitied?! Why all the ‘poor child’. Why are you staring at a child and speculating about her weight? What is wrong with you all?

The only reason fat kids will be bullied is because some kids are vicious nasty bullies who have parents spouting the kind of bile and venom I’m reading on here. Bullies don’t pick on kids because their is something wrong with the victim! They pick on other kids because they copy their parents and I bet a lot of your kids are bullies if they’ve heard this fatphobic shit on here.

Also people saying ‘I give my kids biscuits and they aren’t fat, god knows what the fat ones eat at home’ - they probably eat the same as your slim kids - their bodies just metabolise food differently for loads of reasons

All bodies are good bodies - how dare you be so awful about fat children and their parents. I’m absolutely livid

Because being fat is miserable? Being picked last for sports, always struggling to keep up, body aches your peers don't have, facing a greater chance of obesity in adulthood and all the crappy health that comes with it?

And I'm saying this as a child that was fat! It was horrible, and comments like yours that shut down conversation and aggressively shout how livid you are do nothing to help. I say "poor child" because chances are they will be an adult like myself who constantly battles to keep healthy and resents not having the healthy start in life my friends did.

It's such a difficult subject.

On the one hand , saying or even thinking that a child is overweight is referred to as 'fat shaming.'

On the other hand, there may well be factors like poverty, parental misunderstanding and other social issues, but when you look at other countries, they do not have the level of obesity that we have , other than USA .

As a nation we are always talking about healthy eating and GP surgeries are obsessed with obesity . The NHS has various apps to help with obesity yet so many children are obese.

Fat shaming was the norm , decades ago and it seemed to keep us in check , as a society but it is so unacceptable now due to anorexia/bulimia.

I recall, in the 70s , a crisp bread manufacturer would , on demand, send out a thin belt that you could wear. If the belt felt tight, then you were fat!

But it was the late 60s/70s that introduced us to shitty food covered in neon breadcrumbs as these products were the new freezer foods , alongside chips, frozen breaded pizzas and other full fat shite.

Pasta was barely heard of.

I genuinely believe that we reap what we sow.