To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

Like adults, children have different metabolisms. So no, I don’t assume that overweight children have parents who feed them loads of rubbish food. The fact parents of slim children on this thread are smugly saying ‘my children eats loads and is still slim so what on earth are they feeding them’ is depressing.

My children inherited their Dad’s metabolism and are ‘underweight’ - we are under a dietician because if they get ill and don’t eat as much they lose pounds and pounds of weight very quickly. Skinny children are socially acceptable of course so I feel for children at the other end of the spectrum who struggle with putting on weight easily.

Yes, I do.

Some children I am aware have medical conditions but this is few and far between. I have friends with overweight children and quite frankly, they’re overweight because they eat shit all day. Their parents are also overweight so it isn’t a shock.

Yes certain things were closed, but exercise was not impossible to do during lockdowns. It just had to be changed.

Even doing Joe wicks and going to the park is a long way from the school run, playing with friends at break and lunch time, walking to different lessons, having a small free school meal and doing pe/swimming/after school clubs.

@BringBackCoffeeCreams I wasn't aware of the dopamine connection until a doctor explained it to me a few months ago when I, yet again, expressed my worry about his appetite. We are currently in between meds so I'm hoping the next one will help with appetite. He's 10 years old and I give him a side-plate portion for dinner every day. I honestly put so much thought into his diet. I'm hoping his weight will even out as he grows as he has a lot of other issues to deal with too.

funny enough me and my DC are fine weight wise, my DH has always been over weight as has his brother. I had to try hard to not let the kids follow in his eating habits which as far as I was concerned as someone who came from a poor family was gluttony. Scoffing half a loaf in one sitting and eating till stuffed. This was not what i grew up with as we ate what we were given, we had no extras. Realised he was brought up with a 'feeder' spanish mother. She prided herself at being a SAHM and cooking fresh food etc, but setting your DC up to being stuffed full and not being used to eating until you have had enough has led to both her adult sons having serious issues with weight...she now blames it on their wives, despite both of us being slim and in shape. She still when we turn up tries to stuff them with heavy lunches, desserts, big meals and more dessert at dinner. My DH cant eat now as he has a rig due to cancer treatment. So apart from underlying health conditions and disabilities which are in fact rare there is no excuse.

My 10 month old is 91st centile for weight, 60th for height. He’s never eaten a crisp in his life, everything he eats is packed with veggies, his only exposure to sugar is through fruit (once a day) and all his meals are home cooked. I have a friend who feeds her 1 year old on jars of baby food, baby crisps and puréed fruit/ baby porridge and he’s 30th centile for weight and 46th for height.

Both me and DH dad are obese. DH is a type 2 diabetic and I have PCOS, so both insulin resistant and metabolically challenged.

The only thing that worries me is that people like you lot pedalling the idea that obesity is a character flaw still exist. Piss OFF. Just shut up and keep your horrific, judgemental attitudes to yourself.

Obesity in adults is no more a ‘choice’ than being poor is. There are literally thousands of factors which influence weight, most of which are nothing to do with the food we eat.

Absolutely anyone who thinks being fat is a choice and actively judges CHILDREN because of it needs to read Gary Taubes and then fuck the fuck off.

Imagine if people were as focused on being as healthy as possible rather than on the digits on a scale.
FWIW, I am heartily sick of peoples obsession with weight.
I wish everyone would spend half the time they're obsessing about their weight on concentrating on their health. Weight is only one indicator of good health and yet it appears to be the 'be all and end all' to some people.
Health is also how nutritional your food and drink is, how well you're sleeping, how rich your social life is, how high your self esteem is, how active you are, yet people disproportionately focus on the numbers on the scales, and judge others by their weight

@ReadySteadyTwins - perhaps this "tiny majority" of which you speak isn't as tiny as you think it is, because as you rightly say, you have no idea 🤷🏻‍♀️ so really, it might be as good idea to reserve your unkind judgement for something you do have your facts straight on. There's a thought.

@Ozanj

I work in childcare and take notice when a 2-3 year old with short / average sized parents suddenly reaches 90+ centile in height. Height gain is the precurser to weight gain in obesity but parents are usually far too proud of it to take me seriously and then when that child becomes obese at 6-7 it becomes much harder to control.

Really? My youngest DD is very tall (she’s now 6), I’m very short, she shot up as a toddler. If you’d come at me banging on about her weight, you’d have got short shrift and reported to your boss. Her father is 6ft6inch but you wouldn’t know that because he’s not allowed access to her. She borders on being underweight due to her height and activity levels.

One of my three DC is very overweight. She wasn’t prior to lockdown, she was thin. Lockdown after lockdown sent her MH spiralling, her Autism is now almost unmanageable and her weight is, quite frankly, the least of my concerns. It’s manage by our GP, our MH nurse and I wouldn’t welcome any comments from anyone else.

@DollyDingleberry

Obesity in adults is no more a ‘choice’ than being poor is. There are literally thousands of factors which influence weight, most of which are nothing to do with the food we eat.

I’m sorry but I do disagree with most of what you said above. Most people are overweight because the food they eat.

Rory1234 i agree with you as someone whose DH and BIL are overweight now as adults. Mother happily stating they were slim when at home but she fed them cooked breakfast dailys, snacks at 11 , full lunch and dessert at 1, more snacks when home from school after three, full meal and supper. Yep DC who are active in sport can carry that off and then once sent out into uni life,...they continued to eat like that minus exercise and surprise surprise both became fat. My DH brother suffers from gout too...both like their food and cant cope with not feeling stuffed so are constantly snacking ( not my DH now as he is ill)

A close family member has 2 obese children. In fact the whole family are obese. Im a few stone overweight myself, but I’m the only one in my household. It’s very frustrating as I worry about the children, one has health issues related to their weight and the other has been bullied. MacDonalds and pizza are eaten many times a week. The parents are in complete denial. These are very capable adults with no financial issues at all. Older family members with no filter unfortunately, have tried to offer advice but to no avail. In fact it has caused a rift.

I absolutely judge them.

Yes I do it's neglect.

If it was obviously due to overeating, yes. I remember a 3yo we used to see regularly in after school drop off walking round eating a large sharing bag of doritos at 9am. I massively judged that.

6yo girl with healthy, but large portioned lunches. I felt really awkward because its socially unacceptable to tell parents about their child diet, but the parents were obviously trying, just didn't understand portion size. Didn't judge because they were obviously trying, it just wasn't quite right.

@Chichimcgee

Yes certain things were closed, but exercise was not impossible to do during lockdowns. It just had to be changed.

Even doing Joe wicks and going to the park is a long way from the school run, playing with friends at break and lunch time, walking to different lessons, having a small free school meal and doing pe/swimming/after school clubs.

Oh yes, same for adults. The daily walk is not the same as walking to work and back or just to the train station and then going to the printer, toilet, kitchen, reception etc. at work. I have a sedentary job, but I used to walk 16k steps on busy days. WFH I struggle to get to 2k steps. Obviously, I know I have to reduce what I eat to reflect my new levels of activity.

Obesity in adults is no more a ‘choice’ than being poor is.

Wow. Just wow. Yes, the 90%+ overweight adults who are overweight as they just stuff themselves to get that way, have no choice. They can't help it? Behave yourself. What a lack of accountability.

Absolutely anyone who thinks being fat is a choice and actively judges CHILDREN

This is tedious. THE PARENTS. We're judging the parents. And for the thousandth time this doesn't apply to the tiny minority who have a condition!

No I don't judge, what good would that do. I see families where everyone is overweight and then other families where everyone is slim except one child. Or slim children but overweight parents. I'm sure each case is different and I haven't got the time or energy to devote to judging others.

Like a previous poster, yes, I do judge, I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. Also wonder what their children must be eating to get that big. My daughters diet isn’t perfect (need to get it sorted before she starts school) and eats healthy food but also her fair share of cake, sweets, chocolate and she is tiny compared to her peers at 4. Makes me wonder if some people just have slower metabolisms and this contributes, which makes me feel even more ashamed for secretly judging.

@ReadySteadyTwins

Obesity in adults is no more a ‘choice’ than being poor is.

Wow. Just wow. Yes, the 90%+ overweight adults who are overweight as they just stuff themselves to get that way, have no choice. They can't help it? Behave yourself. What a lack of accountability.

Absolutely anyone who thinks being fat is a choice and actively judges CHILDREN

This is tedious. THE PARENTS. We're judging the parents. And for the thousandth time this doesn't apply to the tiny minority who have a condition!

Again with all your facts and figures are these backed up statistics you're quoting? I'd be interested in seeing the source.

You have no idea.

No its not as simple as over eating or not I Would
judge for a child who had dirty clothes or was dressed ridiculously adultly but not for being overweight

@ReadySteadyTwins

Obesity in adults is no more a ‘choice’ than being poor is.

Wow. Just wow. Yes, the 90%+ overweight adults who are overweight as they just stuff themselves to get that way, have no choice. They can't help it? Behave yourself. What a lack of accountability.

Absolutely anyone who thinks being fat is a choice and actively judges CHILDREN

This is tedious. THE PARENTS. We're judging the parents. And for the thousandth time this doesn't apply to the tiny minority who have a condition!

You’re showing an astonishing lack of understanding of how obesity actually works and if it wasn’t so damaging it would be laughable.

Seriously, Gary Taubes. ‘Why we get fat’ is a good start and if you have an ounce of genuine interest in what actually dictates obesity and the overwhelming evidence to support, then ‘good calories bad calories’ would be a logical step on from that.

In the meantime, stop talking out of your (presumably perfectly toned) arse. It’s embarrassing.

My children are the opposite and very thin. I am probably judged because people may assume that they're not fed enough 🤷 what can you do. They get offered loads of food and do eat loads.

@Jupitersmoonandstars

Imagine if people were as focused on being as healthy as possible rather than on the digits on a scale. FWIW, I am heartily sick of peoples obsession with weight. I wish everyone would spend half the time they're obsessing about their weight on concentrating on their health. Weight is only one indicator of good health and yet it appears to be the 'be all and end all' to some people. Health is also how nutritional your food and drink is, how well you're sleeping, how rich your social life is, how high your self esteem is, how active you are, yet people disproportionately focus on the numbers on the scales, and judge others by their weight

See I do 100% agree with this. Weight shouldn't define people and again it's part of the intrinsically fatphobic society we live in.

However, I think we do need to acknowledge how limiting being extremely overweight can be. In terms of activity levels, activities people are willing or able to take part in, etc.

Again it all comes down in my opinion to getting to a point where weight can be discussed neutrally and openly. As part of one of many factors affecting overall health and wellbeing.

Somewhat conversely, and I don't know where it all fits in with my beliefs above about acceptance and positivity, is the fact that we do have scientific evidence that being overweight in and of itself causes chronic low level inflammation in the body, which has been linked to a host of degenerative diseases.

So I don't know about anyone else, but I feel conflicted between advocating that everybody should love and accept themselves and be happy and not just focus on weight, and acknowledging the fact that the number on the scale itself can matter as well.

Obesity in adults is no more a ‘choice’ than being poor is. There are literally thousands of factors which influence weight, most of which are nothing to do with the food we eat.

@DollyDingleberry While I agree there are many factors that influence weight I think the food people eat will usually be quite a significant factor. It is well documented that rising obesity rates are linked to changes in modern diets and lifestyle.

Yes I do, there is a girl in my daughters class (yr1) who is grossly overweight and struggles to keep up with the others, she's a lovely, friendly and confident little girl, the mum seems lovely but my god the girl is huge.

I was overweight as a child and struggled with my weight all my life, my 2 children are a healthy weight and am careful that they try and stay that way.