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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

893 replies

PaddleBoardingMomma · 07/02/2022 17:24

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

OP posts:
anon12345678901 · 07/02/2022 19:40

@Chichimcgee

95 are down to the parents just giving them unlimited crap. Damn right I'll judge that. As should you

The last two years have meant children exercising less. Not being at school playing, not able to go to the park with friends, not able to go to clubs or activities.
People have relied on food banks, unfortunately fresh food doesn’t last and you don’t get a choice. So if kids are eating pasta and cheese every day and not exercising they will gain weight.

Not because of the parents, or the child, just circumstance.

It is not your place to judge, your attitude won’t change anything it just makes you look like a cow.

There are plenty of exercise videos online, Joe Wicks even did a daily thing in the first lockdown. Parents can take their children to the park, or for walks to exercise. Yes certain things were closed, but exercise was not impossible to do during lockdowns. It just had to be changed.
emmxO · 07/02/2022 19:40

This post makes me so sad, my son is like the girl you describe and he has a genetic condition, part of that means he never feels full and seeks food constantly. He is now 8 years old and doesn't stand out quite so much but I have had to speak with the school about not offering him snacks as they had been doing this. I think it's sad to judge a child or other parents when you know nothing about what's going on. I'm sure my son has been judged as greedy and I've been judged for over feeding him.

Original poster
PaddleBoardingMomma · 07/02/2022 19:41

@DickMabutt73962

OP: this discussion NEEDS to be had!

Also OP: do you JUDGE?

A desire to be fatphobic once again shrouded in concern

I haven't used any "fatphobic" language?

This thread has really split into two, those who are capable of discussing rationally and putting across very valid points that I hadn't thought of, and those who want to scream at me that I'm a nasty evil fatphoic arsehole... 🙃

I'm really noticing that for some people even using the words overweight or fat is enough to trigger huge offence and shut down conversation, how are we ever supposed to move forward and give our children a healthy start in life if the topic is constantly shamed and shut down as being offensive? Childhood obesity in this country is a huge problem there's no getting away from that.

OP posts:
kkLeeNex · 07/02/2022 19:41

I will admit I used to judge in this situation. I am overweight myself. I have 3 children- 2 are healthy weight and one is overweight. He has a list of medical/sensory diagnoses and it is a constant stress trying to control his weight. I cook healthy meals every day, we watch treats carefully, he is active and plays outside a lot. Unfortunately due to having adhd he has low dopamine which means he often "feels" hungry even if he's just had a meal. His doctors are very helpful and aware of his weight but not overly concerned which bothers me.
It is extremely upsetting to have your child sobbing that they are hungry and be in a position where you have to withhold food when they don't understand why.
The phrase "walk a mile in my shoes" comes to mind.

ReadySteadyTwins · 07/02/2022 19:42

Forgive me for speaking on someone's behalf, but I don't think the point this poster was making was that it's okay to judge some children and not others, or try and decide who is an "acceptable" fat and who isn't.

The point is it's not fair to shut down a wider and general discussion about weight issues because some people have a reason for being overweight that is not directly linked to diet.

Spot on, thank you. I presumed it was obvious from what I had written, but apparently not...

SparkleTwinkle101 · 07/02/2022 19:42

This thread has made me so angry. This whole thing is a fat bashing thread how the hell do we expect our society to tolerate others when we are judging children FFS.

Fat people and fat children know they are fat, they are normally embarrassed, they are normally shit scared someone will stare or say something awful and all you are doing OP is encouraging your children to scorn at others

Hospedia · 07/02/2022 19:42

how are we ever supposed to move forward and give our children a healthy start in life if the topic is constantly shamed and shut down as being offensive? Childhood obesity in this country is a huge problem there's no getting away from that.

I'd suggest concentrating on your own children rather than devoting headspace to judging other children and their parents.

Childhood obesity is a complex issue that does not have one clear case or one clear solution, it is highly unlikely to be magically fixed by a goady thread on Mumsnet.

DreamerSeven · 07/02/2022 19:44

This thread is utterly depressing, so many horrible people happy to admit that they’re horrible. Weight issues are never as simple as people like to pretend they are - social, emotional and financial pressures all contribute to them but go on, think badly of parents who may just be doing the very best they can, with the knowledge and resources available to them.

Woeismethischristmas · 07/02/2022 19:44

Some kids will just eat more. I have identical twins and one of them is heavier but not obese. The other one has always been fussy with food and is thinner and shorter. Same food served at meals, same snacks on offer.

Original poster
PaddleBoardingMomma · 07/02/2022 19:45

@Hospedia

A desire to be fatphobic once again shrouded in concern

Yup.

"I can't possibly understand how a child can get to be overweight, am I a bad person for judging?"

Every arsehole within a ten mile radius, heading the klaxon call off: "let me tell you my hateful views on this subject..."

What have you learned from this thread? Or have you not actually bothered to read the very educated and thoughtful replies some people have taken the time to write?

I've learned that some parents are trying really really hard, I've learned that some are aware it's a problem and don't just attempt to shut down the conversation (like yourself) but are actually here posting for advice. I've learned some people have multiple kids eating the exact same things and actually it's not even the food, it's the level of exercise each kid is doing. I've been given loads to think about because I'm capable of listening to others! You should try it some time.

Here, have a free klaxon....

OP posts:
ReadySteadyTwins · 07/02/2022 19:45

@SparkleTwinkle101

This thread has made me so angry. This whole thing is a fat bashing thread how the hell do we expect our society to tolerate others when we are judging children FFS.

Fat people and fat children know they are fat, they are normally embarrassed, they are normally shit scared someone will stare or say something awful and all you are doing OP is encouraging your children to scorn at others

Again, no one is judging the children.
Arsewangry · 07/02/2022 19:45

@Benjispruce5 - so judge my mum, who was at her wits end trying to figure out what to do with me, taking me to counsellors and dieticians and doing her best to help me lose weight whilst trying to bring me up on her own and hold down a job.

Like I said, judge away, you lot have got no idea how spiteful you all sound. You have no idea what's happening in the lives of some of these kids.

Applepineapple20 · 07/02/2022 19:46

I don’t judge people on the street as I have no idea what the circumstances are. I do find it annoying if it is the case that parents are just letting their kids get fat through over eating and inactivity though.

My parents allowed this to happen to me…my mother would associate food with love and give us huge adult sized portions and loads of pudding every night which set me up for a lifetime of weight struggles and I totally lost the ability to regulate my appetite.

My dd isn’t overweight../I let her eat everything in moderation and take her out for walks at weekends and dance classes to keep her active. Luckily she has an off switch and stops eating when she’s not hungry but if that ever changes I’d like to think I’ll intervene quickly.

I’ve had to have words with my parents as anytime she is at their house they over feed her and give her far too much chocolate to the point she was once sick! I was so angry that continue to think that sort of thing is acceptable.

I am also careful not to talk negatively about my own body or mention my struggles with her as I don’t want her her to grow up feeling bad about her body….my mum would always criticise herself saying she was fat while eating massive portions and giving us too much, and commenting that I couldn’t wear certain things because of my figure and really worshipping anyone she perceived to have a lovely thin figure.

Hospedia · 07/02/2022 19:46

I've been given loads to think about because I'm capable of listening to others!

Sure you have...

anon12345678901 · 07/02/2022 19:46

No one is encouraging their children to scorn at others. I judge the parents if they're overweight too yes, but I would never vocalise it, especially not to my child. No one is judging the child either.

There can be conversations around weight, it's not fatphobic to have discussions.

Arsewangry · 07/02/2022 19:48

It's not fatphobic to have conversations- it is fatphobic to judge.

Original poster
PaddleBoardingMomma · 07/02/2022 19:48

@SparkleTwinkle101

This thread has made me so angry. This whole thing is a fat bashing thread how the hell do we expect our society to tolerate others when we are judging children FFS.

Fat people and fat children know they are fat, they are normally embarrassed, they are normally shit scared someone will stare or say something awful and all you are doing OP is encouraging your children to scorn at others

Whilst I'm sorry this thread has made you angry... I won't let you peddle some fabricated scenario you have made up in your head! For your information, I asked my daughter about the new girl, what she learned about her today, what games they played, did she help her settle in... why the fuck would you presume otherwise?
OP posts:
nokidshere · 07/02/2022 19:48

I'm really noticing that for some people even using the words overweight or fat is enough to trigger huge offence and shut down conversation, how are we ever supposed to move forward and give our children a healthy start in life if the topic is constantly shamed and shut down as being offensive? Childhood obesity in this country is a huge problem there's no getting away from that.

Surely you are intelligent enough to realise that issues around diets, food and weight are part of a wider picture and tied up with all sorts of emotional problems for many people.

I know two lovely people who's daughters both have anorexia, one badly enough to be hospitalised at the age of 10. Would you blame her mother for not feeding her properly?

Honestly, I'm always surprised at how little imagination people can have for anyone who doesn't have the same lifestyle and issues that they have.

SparkleTwinkle101 · 07/02/2022 19:49

@ReadySteadyTwins the fact that OP is saying she felt sorry for the child etc is judging. It has nothing to do with the OP beyond oh there's Sally, Julie's daughter. No need to think about their weight, hight anything

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 07/02/2022 19:49

@kkLeeNex

I will admit I used to judge in this situation. I am overweight myself. I have 3 children- 2 are healthy weight and one is overweight. He has a list of medical/sensory diagnoses and it is a constant stress trying to control his weight. I cook healthy meals every day, we watch treats carefully, he is active and plays outside a lot. Unfortunately due to having adhd he has low dopamine which means he often "feels" hungry even if he's just had a meal. His doctors are very helpful and aware of his weight but not overly concerned which bothers me. It is extremely upsetting to have your child sobbing that they are hungry and be in a position where you have to withhold food when they don't understand why. The phrase "walk a mile in my shoes" comes to mind.
My son was the same. I always struggled to keep him in the healthy weight zone. Take my eye off the ball for a week or two and he'd be back into the overweight zone. He was always pleading for food because he hungry, despite just being fed. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD and since taking the meds he hasn't complained about being hungry outside of mealtimes once. I didn't realise it was connected to dopamine levels.
onwardsandupwards22 · 07/02/2022 19:50

@grey12

It crosses my mind but I try to remember that it could be due to a health issue

I remember reading that the first tought is what you grew up with and the second thought is how you want to be Wink

I love this!
Mountaingoat12 · 07/02/2022 19:51

One of my kids is massive, the rest of us and all my family are super skinny. It may well be a medical condition and I’ve asked the GP for advice but they just assume we are lying through our teeth and over feeding them. So while you judge away, you are just being nasty and shallow.

ReadySteadyTwins · 07/02/2022 19:53

You have no idea what's happening in the lives of some of these kids

I think what people are quite clearly (and repeatedly) saying, is that we understand we have no idea what's happening in the lives of a tiny majority of these kids. And we don't. And yes, they get tarred with the same brush. Again the exceptions don't make the rule.

We have a pretty good idea what's going on in the overwhelming majority. And that's what's being discussed. Not the odd exception swept along.

3Sheetstothewind · 07/02/2022 19:54

Of Course i don't judge! There could be any number of reasons for it.

Cameleongirl · 07/02/2022 19:54

I expect I would secretly judge, but I'd try not to, because as PP's have said, you have no idea of the circumstances.

One of my friends has two children whom I've known for years. The eldest is very slight, her younger brother is tall and on the heavy side with abit of a tummy. He's also very sporty and plays on several teams, while his slim sister doesn't do any sport at all. He's always been well-built even as a small child and although he appears in good health, I know he's on medication for a long-term condition. It's quite possible that it's contributing to the weight gain.

My own DD plays on a sports team six days a week, but I've weighed less than her since she was about 13. I'm a small build, she's a tall hourglass with hips and a bust. She's not overweight, but she'll never be a waif.