Anyone else have an aversion to corporate bollock speak?

[LindaLaHugh]

I say aversion - deep hatred would be more accurate. It gives me The Rage
You know the type of thing " deep dive" " I'll take that away to action it" " even " going forward" makes me a bit stabby

"low hanging fruit" just makes me giggle. I just think of a ball sack.

That’ll give us more runway.

Or, referring to sales training materials as a playbook, ffs.

Best one was aimed at a very slightly older manager by a less experienced jargon lover who said, “can we get some of your sugar daddy money.” Vomit inducing stuff, it really is.

I actually like circle back and take it offline. It's a polite way to say fuc* off with that bullshit.

not corporate speak, but funny (to me)
At my current job we have to write business and functional specifications. Loads. Everyone apart from me in max mid-level english from 2 very eastern european countries. To them abbreviating as FS and BS makes sense. I do laugh when I write "please send over the BS for preliminary review" :) I haven't had the heart to tell them what it means.

@heelforheelandtoefortoe

lets do a deep dive

The people who say that don't watch monster movies.

Everybody knows that plunging into the abyss is where you find frankly scary shit and at least five people are dead within the next half hour.

One bloke in my office says 'I don't think we should throw the baby out the bathwater' im every single meeting. It just conjures up such a vision, such a horrible phrase!!

'Leaning in' is a phrase used constantly at the moment in my company.

'The art of the possible' - it's not fucking possible there are zillions of patients and all the staff have Covid

I particularly like when I see someone ask a manager a question and their reply is "can you park that one for later and I'll come back to you". Translates as " I haven't got a fucking clue so you'll have to wait while I flap about trying to find the answer"

tiredofthisshit21 do you know what, you are absolutely right!
Team would just be fine too.
Arrrghhhh

PoC confused me. It's a proof of concept for IT. Not a person of colour then? Seriously people, it's a TEST. You are testing something. Jeepers

Every time I hear my manager say “the art of the possible” I want to headbutt him.

I even spotted it in a PowerPoint he’d sent out the other day. Seeing it in writing nearly finished me off.
So fucking annoying

"Moving forward" makes me want to punch people in the throat

Drill into how you really feel, reach out to get some of team on board - at the end of the day, culture eats strategy for breakfast

@Googlecanthelpme

Every time I hear my manager say “the art of the possible” I want to headbutt him.

I even spotted it in a PowerPoint he’d sent out the other day. Seeing it in writing nearly finished me off.
So fucking annoying

I actually don’t mind this one, it’s a polite way of saying this is what we can manage on this shitty budget and schedule.

@NoToLandfill oh yeah we've been using POC for years. In fact we've been using it so long that I actually forgot it was bullshit.

My absolute favourite at the moment is being asked to 'T-shape.' Translated as people have left, we're not replacing them and we'd like you to do their job as well as your own for the same salary. I kid you not.

A few of us at work also do the Four Tops song whenever somebody says 'reach out'

The ones that really irritate me are 'granular', 'looking through a lens' and describing people as 'authentic'. My company is obsessed with having authentic leaders

Total bullshit and definitely gives me the rage

I was on an ‘all staff’ meeting today and I genuinely could not understand what they were talking about. Lots of mapping things out, to line up to take forward. Though no idea what was being mapped out in the first place. Hopefully it will line up so I can take it forward somewhere though.

@NoToLandfill

I don't really mind, if everyone knows what you mean.

What I do mind is aggressive or sexual lingo

'more bang for your buck'
'market penetration'

Grim. I can't not grimace when they are said

I really don't think these are sexual???

The words bang and penetration have specific meanings that are appropriate in these contexts, independent of sex, don't they?

What the heck are you all on about? Thank goodness this sort of bollocks hasn't hit my nursery yet

@Nitflux

+1 on all of these. That’s a phrase that is used all the time at my new job. People don’t say “I agree” or “me too”, they say “plus one on that!” What the actual.

Another gem I read in an email once was someone saying “let’s parallel path on that”, meaning, I assume, “let’s come to an agreement”. Bloody Americans.

No I think that would mean do two tasks in parallel? That would be my guess anyway! 🙂

• I work in consultancy and we use most of these phrases all the time. I actually don't think most people use them to sound smart- it's so normal and they are so steeped in it, it actually feels like the only way to express yourself.... and many of them do actually link to real stuff.....

Eg 'blue sky thinking' from my understanding is about thinking big, on a strategic level, free of constraint, instead of getting bogged down in daily minutia and 'well it's always been that way, so let's not consider changing it' mentality. It is a useful thing to do and It's way quicker to say 'blue sky thinking' than the explanation.

• but fully acknowledge some of its bullshit.

Anyway - ducking for cover now!

And don’t get me started on bloody annual reviews where I have to sit and listen to someone patronise me with all the things I’ve done well. Utterly infantilising and makes me cringe myself inside out, I’m a middle aged woman and I don’t need to be told I show promise and have a bright future with my organisation, I’m not 16.

I agree - especially when the person doing the review is so much younger! And the dumb questions - what are your ambitions? I've been the receptionist for well over 20 years and I'm heading for retirement in a few years, what do you think??? Annual reveiws themselves are ridiculous - if I do something exceptional tell me at the time, same if I am not performing well. Otherwise, if I want to discuss something I will ask to see you - not wait 11 months until my next review!

@NoToLandfill

Ah no bang for your buck comes from buying services from a prostitute. Not a nice phrase at all

It absolutely doesn't! It's about artillery/weaponry.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Punch a puppy Slide deck Can't see the forest for the trees Bogged down in the weeds Collaborate to generate Thought shower Singing from the same hymn sheet Agent of change Low hanging fruit Have dialogue

Punch a puppy?

The mind boggles. What does that one even mean?

Please enlighten a Very Uncorporate One (going forward...)

I’ve read almost all the pages and nobody has mentioned “boiling the ocean”

Eg …”it’s a small project, we’re not booking the ocean”…

@Izzydawg

This shit used to drive me crazy. I had a useless boss who used it all the time, sure he thought it made him more intelligent. Worst phrases he constantly used were ‘golden thread’ as in going through the company and a project had to ‘wash it’s face’. I used to drop it in conversation to impress him, he was real stupid

Oooh I've heard "wash it's face" on bargain hunt. Does it mean break even?

Talk to it, as in "talk to that report." NO!! You talk about reports, not to them. Grrrrr!!
And when did a waiting list become a waitlist....