Anyone else have an aversion to corporate bollock speak?

[LindaLaHugh]

I say aversion - deep hatred would be more accurate. It gives me The Rage
You know the type of thing " deep dive" " I'll take that away to action it" " even " going forward" makes me a bit stabby

I can't begin to imagine. Do you have a context for it?

@Guavaf1sh

The hip new NHS phrase is the ‘good ideas carousel’

That just gives me a mental image of some sort of lazy Susan with the idea on where a bored manager flicks at it lazily, looks at something that is clearly a Very Good Idea, goes 'Urrrrgggghhh, far too much like hard work' and bats it round to be back again,

Legacy hand makes me smile.
A big phrase in my corporate world is "what's in the art of the possible" makes me shudder.

Yes it drives me nuts, our new manager refers to a meeting area as a breakout space

Ah, I've found out what the sand between the toes thing means - it's referring to the annoying little things that will slow you down. Honestly. . .

@mbosnz

Ah, I've found out what the sand between the toes thing means - it's referring to the annoying little things that will slow you down. Honestly. . .

The best bit of being on a beach is wiggling your toes into warm sand and doing fuck all else but enjoying the moment?

I lump "jumping the shark" and other twattish phrases (that only seem to exist on Mumsnet) in with corporate bellendery.

Walk & talk, anyone??

@RachelGreeneGreep

Not a corporate speak one but someone I worked with used to use 'kindly' in emails. 'Kindly complete your training' - a made up example, because I can't remember. But it used to make me think of something maybe a bank manager would have used decades ago. 'Kindly lodge to your account'

I always think it sounds quite passive aggressive. It isn't "kindly" meant at all. My son's primary school newsletters always used to have phrases like "kindly send back your forms" or "kindly don't park in the kiss and drop lane" etc.

"Please complete your training" is much more polite in my view.

Years ago when we still used to send letters you'd send a letter saying "please sign and return the enclosed" but a colleague would always write "kindly sign and return the enclosed" and I thought it was a bit rude.

Hearing my exH on corporate type work calls from home has definitely contributed to my reasons for divorce (not the main ones but definitely up there).
There are definitely 'types' who use this language. Sure there's a few bits everyone says as in common usage... but the rest... nope we all think you are wankers with overinflated egos.
Tech people love this but not true techies..just the project manager types... business managers..anyone from high up in 'People Resourcing' and then any manager who fancies themselves but is actually useless and climbing the greasy pole. Truly brilliant work colleagues of any seniority don't both with this bollocks.

"we need them to carry the shopping".

Just awful.

My boss has a few select, very annoying, phrases she uses on repeat:
'It will all wash through'
'Egregious'
Are the immediate two that spring to mind.

I also hate the overly chummy 'all staff email newsletter' which no one reads properly and in which they usually have a good 500 words to start with which is total piffle, overly familiar and pretending to be from the CEO... then usually somewhere near the bottom, but not the bottom is buried a bombshell like 'total restructure' or 'pay-freeze'. Followed by some more chipper news.
Aka shit-sandwich (my personal favourite work expression).

I always think it sounds quite passive aggressive. It isn't "kindly" meant at all.

@JuergenSchwarzwald I agree.

@Sneezymcsneezy

"we need them to carry the shopping".

Just awful.

What does that mean?!

@SirChenjins to do the hard work/ to do the work / to deliver, as if they were our slaves/bitches

Thank fuck for this thread.

I thought it was because I am old and pedantic and like proper English that I hate "going forward" and "reaching out", but it's not that all is it?

It's because it's shite, and pretentious bollocks.

@Alldressedup

Someone else has already mentioned close of play. Where I work (public sector) it’s mandatory to make everything into an accronym so of course no one says close of olay, it’s just COP. And we love a good deep dive. And touching base. And trajectory. It’s all rather tragic but we all do it.

Local government loves an acronym.

When I worked in local government, I had a colleague who used to while away boring meetings by making up alternative meanings for acronyms.

SSSI's (Sites of Special Scientific Interest) became Sites Suitable for Shagging In, which I found very amusing.

There was an early forerunner of PFI (Poor Fucking Idea) that was known as DBFO (Design, Build, Finance & Operate). That was "Don't Bother, Fuck Off".

@FootballFacedOrang

I was once in a meeting in an absolute hell hole of a workplace where everyone was called together by the CEO to help name the big fancy new 'client relationship and participation software' she'd been working on for aaaaages (while ignoring all the things that actually needed to be addressed in the place).

She suggested loads of stupid acronyms and such, until my diamond of a colleague stuck her hand up and said with outstanding deadpan delivery: "CRAPS?".

God I loved her in that moment.

One council I worked at reviewed all the arrangements and processes for getting decisions made by councillors and we had to produce a new manual for service departments to explain it all.

We named it Committee Reporting Arrangements & Procedures, and thereafter anyone with a query was told to "Look it up in CRAP".

One head of department asked if we realised what the acronym spelt, and my boss replied "Of course, but it was our second choice. We didn't think we'd get away with "Corporate Unified Notes on Text Submission".

Calling people “bods”. “Let’s find a bod” “we’ll get our IT bods on that”

I hate “not a problem” and “you’re good”.

“Push the envelope”

Just say “think of a good idea”. I just have visions of some corporate twat in a suit pushing an envelope around his desk

@unname

I hate “not a problem” and “you’re good”.

'Not a problem' is ok in some contexts, but not when it's in relation to something which you wouldn't remotely imagine would be problematic. The prime example is when you order something straight from a menu.

@ErrolTheDragon

Exactly,I usually hear “not a problem” from someone where no problem exists and they are just filling the role they are paid to perform.

At one point you couldn't move for 'solutions', then it was 'e-' or 'i-' before everything vaguely web/tech and then even things that weren't (i-sandwich). Then lots of 2.0, then # and no idea what it is now on. Once local government starts using a trendy term' you know it's so dead. Bit like how smoothie making bikes used to be at every event. Then chocolate fountains.. and so on... apps .... loads are good.. lots more pointless.
I'm glad I no longer have to deal with all that.