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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else have an aversion to corporate bollock speak?

570 replies

LindaLaHugh · 07/02/2022 15:58

I say aversion - deep hatred would be more accurate. It gives me The Rage
You know the type of thing " deep dive" " I'll take that away to action it" " even " going forward" makes me a bit stabby

OP posts:
Gladioli23 · 07/02/2022 18:15

It's really interesting: I hate deep dive, reach out, revert to and various others.

But I do use win win, swings and roundabouts, and low hanging fruit - I'm pretty sure I've used all of these since well before I joined any company.

I also use COP which I do recognise is a bit marmite but is known to mean "before I log on the morning after but I don't care when before that" at least in my organisation so it does have a relevant meaning I think.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/02/2022 18:15

I’m with you all…

I have lived with and hated all this bollocks for years.

The problem is when you are around it for so long you start going native. There comes a point where “reach out” just becomes easier than “contact”. It’s awful how it gets to you.

I used to openly laugh at people using the word “leverage”. Until I found myself doing it.

God’s way of telling me to get out of corporate land I guess.

ThatsAllFolks · 07/02/2022 18:16

'socialise that with' meaning 'tell'

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/02/2022 18:17

Have you reached out to the wider team to socialise that idea or is everyone still siloed?

Keep it at 40,000 feet for now we can drill down into the granular details once the dependencies start to crystallise.

mum2jakie · 07/02/2022 18:17

I use "reaching out" when I'm taking the piss. I enjoy giggling to myself when replying to someone who has made a complaint etc with "thank you for reaching out .." It's the little things...

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 07/02/2022 18:17

I agree with everything said about 'reaching out'. It jars as much as 'hun' does on this forum.

For keeping the will to live going, management meetings now require (quietly shared) bingo-cards of key nonsense-speak terms.

MarrymeTomHardy · 07/02/2022 18:18

Socialise the information & Blue Sky Thinking Hmm

tunainatin · 07/02/2022 18:18

I've been roped into organising sand pit events (meetings), we need to do some comms around them (tell people about them). Hmm I may entertain myself at work from now on responding 'do you mean...?' to every bit of corporate crap I hear

shreddednips · 07/02/2022 18:19

Yes, drives me mad. I'm not 100% sure if this is proper corporate speak, but I can't stand it when someone tells me that something that needs doing has an 'aggressive deadline.' It's a rather unpleasant way of saying that you want me to do it quickly.

The other thing I can't bear is faddy workplace initiatives. Has anyone ever done the fish training? The gist is that everything would be great if we were all having fun at work, and they show you a video of these blokes who sell fish and make the fish dance and do silly voices for the customers. I think they did tricks with these fish. And then they ask you to come up with ways to integrate fun into the workplace.

My mother and I have both done this training, both working in jobs where vulnerable people were relying on us to take our jobs seriously. It didn't seem hugely appropriate to be thinking of ways to have more jolly japes in the office 🤦🏼‍♀️

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 07/02/2022 18:19

I'll put an email in the system about that.

Aaargh, do you mean send an email?

Original poster
LindaLaHugh · 07/02/2022 18:20

As a former colleague of mine once said " there's no I in team, but there's a u in cunt "

OP posts:
CallMeDaphne · 07/02/2022 18:20

I'd like to help out but I'm a bit busy now so let's put a pin in that and I'll reach out to you going forward,

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/02/2022 18:20

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

Oh, the latest word that's infiltrating so many calls is quorum, do we have a quorum on that?

What they mean is Do you all agree? But nooooo we have to have a quorum.

What's even more annoying there is that is not the meaning of quorum. You could have 15 people from Sales all agreeing on something usually giving themselves a payrise but if the quorum is five to include one from Finance, one from IT, one from HR and two other people from other departments, that meeting of Sales isn't quorate and they therefore cannot make that decision.

But people saw the Jackie Weaver thing and now just want to use words that they think make them sound smart. Achieving exactly the opposite in practise.

stuntbubbles · 07/02/2022 18:21

Just reaching out to close the loop on high-level planning before EOP – we’ll sprint on actions tomorrow to push this over the line into granularity.

Didn’t even have to make that up, just looked at my emails. My company is INSANE for this. We have stand-up meetings FROM HOME. There is a lot of SYNERGY.

I just go along with it and join in with gusto, cos then it’s just like a weird pretend bullshit thing rather than my actual life that sucks 40 hours a week from me FML

tunainatin · 07/02/2022 18:22

And why have people started saying 'Talk to that item on the agenda' rather than 'talk about?' why? Angry

Brodi · 07/02/2022 18:22

"solutionising" aaarghhhh

mum2jakie · 07/02/2022 18:23

@LindaLaHugh

As a former colleague of mine once said " there's no I in team, but there's a u in cunt "
Think I'll borrow that!! Love it
stuntbubbles · 07/02/2022 18:24

The other thing I can't bear is faddy workplace initiatives. Has anyone ever done the fish training? The gist is that everything would be great if we were all having fun at work, and they show you a video of these blokes who sell fish and make the fish dance and do silly voices for the customers. I think they did tricks with these fish. And then they ask you to come up with ways to integrate fun into the workplace.
Ahahaha I’m 100% suggesting this to my work, which theme its annual reviews around trees.

Brodi · 07/02/2022 18:25

@FloBot7

Yes! I also hate the new initiatives that do nothing other than waste time and make someone feel like they've put their shiny new MBA to use. My workplace spent months consulting everyone on what our shared corporate values should be. Cost a fortune and wasted a lot of time. I haven't seen any change since they announced them.
I agree. I work in the charity sector and sadly a lot of the big charities use their funds in this way fairly frequently, to little or no effect.
thepeopleversuswork · 07/02/2022 18:25

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

Have you reached out to the wider team to socialise that idea or is everyone still siloed?

Keep it at 40,000 feet for now we can drill down into the granular details once the dependencies start to crystallise.

Urgh, that’s horribly spot on
Mammyloveswine · 07/02/2022 18:26

"Populate the document" i mean it sounds so wanky 😂😂

Brodi · 07/02/2022 18:27

"unpacking" is apparently a thing now too, and we're supposed to unpack ideas, not shopping

JudgeJ · 07/02/2022 18:28

@Wrongkindofovercoat

My DH invented a new non-sensical phrase, just to see what would happen. He later saw it used in a presentation

DH and a colleague used to do this to see how far it travelled. Maybe we could come up with some ? Seed the clouds ? Wink

Our children had a picture book split into three parts and they could make characters with a variety of heads, bodies and legs. On a course we once made one up of phrases/sentences in three random parts and the prize went to whoever could use the most over the weekend.
Whydoesthecatalwaysdothat · 07/02/2022 18:29

'Reach out' is the worst one.

Back in the day we just used to speak to people.

caranations · 07/02/2022 18:30

@mum2jakie

What about "square the circle"? What the actual fuck does this mean???
I think it means to unnecessarily tinker with something that was perfectly all right as it was in the first place.

But what do I know? Who cares anyway? Grin