Anyone else have an aversion to corporate bollock speak?

[LindaLaHugh]

I say aversion - deep hatred would be more accurate. It gives me The Rage
You know the type of thing " deep dive" " I'll take that away to action it" " even " going forward" makes me a bit stabby

It's easier to bear if you put a selection on a card and play Bullshit Bingo during meetings.

@Mooserp

I work with Americans. This is the only language they speak.

'Leverage' is a firm favourite as is 'capabilities'. Just stick a load of wanky words in a sentence, no one will understand but they also won't want to admit to not understanding it.

It's true. Some of this has just become so normal from hearing it non-stop.

And we have new acronyms constantly but no one knows what they mean. I always ask. I think it's tanking my career.

My DH invented a new non-sensical phrase, just to see what would happen. He later saw it used in a presentation.

I gave up office work during the pandemic simply because of this shit. After furlough i just knew i couldn't go back to that bollocks.

'Get it boxed off' used to be a favourite expression at my workplace but it's most fervent user has now left the company. It used to make me cringe, along with old favourites such as 'reaching out' 🤮 and 'going forward' 🤮😡🤮. Just shut up and stay that way until you can speak properly.

Aargh I speak like this! I use 'going forward', 'close the loop', 'circle back' etc, et cetera, quite regularly! I hang my head in shame.

I like to play them at their own game (to coin a phrase).
I suggested we ‘valutise’ something today - identify its value not necessarily in monetary terms (I just messed with the word monetise which is also completely wanky). 🤣
I said it with a straight face and I’m now counting the minutes till some dick says it back to me in a meeting 🤣

It’s a fun game.

Perhaps it's just not in your wheelhouse, OP? At the end of the day, we'll agree to disagree.

I think the "reaching out" one, though, is a bit of a "weasel words" situation. If my boss tells me to reach out to John in Accounts, and I say "oh yes, I've reached out to John" - I probably just sent John an email or left a message on his voicemail. I haven't actually spoken with him or resolved anything and I don't want to, but I have done my job and "reached out".

I think this is the thought fridge ^^^

Yesterday my boss was "crafting an email". I left him to it - I hope it takes years.

FFS Can we please stop this "Reaching Out" bollocks when we mean talk or ask!!!

This

My boss says 'historically' a lot ... really grates ...

Touching base. Just no!!

Did you have ‘comms’ with Josephine re some such bollocks? Hearing this kind of chat makes me want to pull my own ears off. Touch base, reach out etc etc what a complete load of utter gash. My ex spoke like this daily and it made me cringe myself inside out every time I heard it. Though he was Mr Important too… bellend

@quest1on2

‘Can I get a visual on that?’

Ffs. It’s not flaming Star Trek.

I was so fed up with stuff like that that I deliberately used as many pop culture terms as possible (as completely mashing them up).

When's the laminator ready? 'trap is clean, light is green'.

'On screen'.

What are the risks of this position? 'well, barring Klingons on the starboard bow, we should be OK'.

How do we approach testing the proposed solution? Well, if we send some redshirts down, that should give us a rough idea of what's left to deal with'.

How likely is this solution to work? 'Well, if we can access a source of approximately 1.21 gigawatts, we should be OK.

Could we transfer responsibility for this onto another department? 'I could beam the whole kit and kaboodle into their hold. It'd be no tribble at all, then'.

Are you sure this will work? Really sure? Really? 'I find your lack of faith disturbing'.

Obviously, there are people for whom this doesn't work. But on the other hand, I find it quite satisfying for the purveyors of new corporate bollockspeak to feel completely confused and 'out of the loop' at times.

I’m a scientist (management, global big pharma). Just got out of a meeting where someone was talking about ‘analytical sunsetting’. After about 15 mins someone had the courage to ask what it was all about!

Just this afternoon I received a ‘thanks for reaching out’ response. I inwardly cringed, just a straightforward ‘thanks for your email’ is fine.

I have used, more than once, ‘swings and roundabouts’ though

Someone else has already mentioned close of play. Where I work (public sector) it’s mandatory to make everything into an accronym so of course no one says close of olay, it’s just COP.
And we love a good deep dive. And touching base. And trajectory. It’s all rather tragic but we all do it.

just "touching base" to say I can't stand all the cringy corporate bollocks speech too.

My manager used to utter:
Low hanging fruit
Sweet spot
Pain point
Where the rubber hits the road
He/she isn’t pulling up any trees
North Star view
Reach out
Make contact
Shoulder work

Surprised she’s evaded punishment tbh

@TheyTookTheCrownButItsAllRight - historically is fine but not when it means “before I started here”.

The new one that everyone uses since I came back from maternity leave last year is “baked in”, as in “we need to get the new procedures baked into our induction process”. Can’t stand it.

My DH invented a new non-sensical phrase, just to see what would happen. He later saw it used in a presentation

DH and a colleague used to do this to see how far it travelled. Maybe we could come up with some ? Seed the clouds ?

Whenever I hear touching base I think of the tortoise head, touching cloth, scene from The Royal Family. It makes it almost impossible to concentrate on the rest of the sentance.

A place I once worked in was fond of the term 'chunking up', I thought it was a euphemism for vomiting 😂

@DisappearingGirl

Hahaha I'm just looking at a doc that says "deep dive" right now. Not seen it before. My colleague said "what does that mean"? We are not industry but work with industry!

"The industry" 🤬

"Industry" involves steel, furnaces, huge pieces of machinery that could kill you. Making YouTube videos and helping people get their website higher up in Google searches is not fucking industry!

'Pain point' comes up in our company training every now and then. 'Aggro' is the same number of syllables but only one word so it wins the sensible prize. An insurance company I once worked at had all it's new clerks starting their letters with "We acknowledge receipt of your correspondence dated... blah blah". How about 'Thankyou for your letter of 7.2.91' ? This was before emails and things.

I want to be on your team AuntyBumBum.

@NeverDropYourMooncup 😂😂😂😂😂