Anyone else have an aversion to corporate bollock speak?

[LindaLaHugh]

I say aversion - deep hatred would be more accurate. It gives me The Rage
You know the type of thing " deep dive" " I'll take that away to action it" " even " going forward" makes me a bit stabby

Listening to dh on a work call, I hear the following gems regularly:
Seismic
On boarding
Firm up a date
Comms to the team
Distill
Disseminate

DP is very senior in an advertising business. Whilst he has been working from home and I can hear him in meetings all the live long day and it's been very hard not to openly laugh at him and his colleagues because they all speak like this, all the time, and they don't even see the funny side of it.
One was talking about 'instigating Digital dynamism' the other day. I couldn't decipher that one so I asked. It means everyone sharing relevant stuff to a central company f drive apparently. Like 90% of businesses do so Hardly a new concept. Digital dynamism!! I beg of you....

@SingingSands

My manager asked me to "distribute comms to the team that facilities are actioning the repair schedule" on a matter. I think she meant "let everyone know that the kitchen tap is being fixed".

I hope that you blue sky'd it and ...something ... something low hanging fruit.

My least favourite of them all is probably when people say “revert” rather than “reply”. It doesn’t even make sense!

am only up to page 5 but wanted to jump in with this one because when i started work in the middle ages (or the 1980s as i like to call it) before desktop PCs, photocopiers everywhere and we only had one electric typewriter that i, as office junior, was not allowed to touch: "revert" was what your boss wrote on things when he (it was always a he) wanted you to either
a) come back to him about it when the next step had been taken (or at a particular point to give a status report so it was often accompanied by a date)
b) follow up something with something else, and again, often accompanied by a date to go back to them in anticipation of them having done something to move whatever it was forward a bit.

it was seen as old fashioned even then

Anyone saying 'revert' when they mean 'reply' is asking for trouble!

alrightQueenie people ( men) in my sector talk about going firm regularly when a decision has been made to go ahead. Yes,I always smirk and yes, I'm very childish.

finished the thread now. Some of these "low hanging fruit" "throwing the baby out with the bathwater" are absolutely normal expressions from everyday speech that i have taught in EFL lessons.

Getting "more bang for your buck" relates to artillery i think, and is perfectly descriptive and a less boring, and definitely eye catching way of, say, expressing disappointment in an outcome.

The granular thing - i always think of it in connection with the boss having the "helicopter view" (hate that because it is so the opposite of helicopter parenting) whereas those of us hacking away at the coalface of the details of the job are getting the electron-microscope-style granular view. As in very close detail. It conveys all that in one word which i find useful.

And sure a lot of idiots pick them up and run with them (other sporting analogies are available) to fit in with the way the higher ups talk. There is no harm in that as long as they are not causing the business actual harm.

I used to work for an Asian corporation who were absolutely enamoured of the latest business-speak book. So we all had to read and inwardly digest: Good to Great, Who Moved My Cheese, Don't Eat the Marshmallow etc. We had meetings and workshops about them. sigh*. And then they discovered the phrase "paradigm shift" and it all went pear shaped.

*anyone remember the excellent "Martin Lukes" column in the FT? The American in that one used to sign off her emails with "i'm smiling at you"

Not a corporate speak one but someone I worked with used to use 'kindly' in emails.
'Kindly complete your training' - a made up example, because I can't remember. But it used to make me think of something maybe a bank manager would have used decades ago.
'Kindly lodge to your account'

I have a manager who will "seek to gain understanding" when the rest of us "try and find out"

'kindly ...' means "do it" without being too authoritative. I use it a lot: kindly send your returns by x date. I then send; friendly reminder, reminder; and then "here is the shitlist of people who have been ignoring me"

I have also used "thanks in advance for your speedy reply" to convey urgency

@Brefugee

'kindly ...' means "do it" without being too authoritative. I use it a lot: kindly send your returns by x date. I then send; friendly reminder, reminder; and then "here is the shitlist of people who have been ignoring me"

I have also used "thanks in advance for your speedy reply" to convey urgency

Maybe your intent is good, but that sort of form of words is likely not to be well received. It's bordering on passive-aggressive in most cases. Unless it's something genuinely friendly like 'friendly reminder - there's cake in the kitchen today'.

@Alrightqueenie

Listening to dh on a work call, I hear the following gems regularly: Seismic On boarding Firm up a date Comms to the team Distill Disseminate

All pretty bog standard where I work. Won't even notice it being used.

They are regular English words. It may not be something you would use in everyday casual conversation but this is just how people talk at werrrk - shorthand to get the job done.

Errol: Maybe your intent is good, but that sort of form of words is likely not to be well received. It's bordering on passive-aggressive in most cases. Unless it's something genuinely friendly like 'friendly reminder - there's cake in the kitchen today'.

So how would you say to somebody 'Do it because this is not the first time I am asking you and I am trying to be polite without calling you out for ignoring my emails'.

Lots of messages in the corporate world have to be couched passive aggressive because hard messages have to be delivered and we cannot all be cuddly kumbayah at work if a job needs to be done that requires multiple inputs and everyone has to pull their own weight.

So how would you say to somebody 'Do it because this is not the first time I am asking you and I am trying to be polite without calling you out for ignoring my emails'.

You tell them with words that you've emailed them about this recently and that it needs to be done as soon as possible. Copy their manager in if necessary.

You tell them with words that you've emailed them about this recently and that it needs to be done as soon as possible.

As soon as possible, really? As the recipient, if I don't report to you, I will internally tell you to f... off. And continue to ignore the email.

Copy their manager in if necessary. This is aggressive and an escalation. It puts the recipient in a spot.

There is a reason why corporate communications are subtle. People don't say it like it is and fudge to save the other side face and give time to season in people's inboxes until there is truly a need to escalate. Not everything is urgent or requires a phone call or asap. Not everyone has time to deal with your request right away. People have competing priorities and limited time and resources. Even the person chasing does not have time to always make a big hoo-hah about not getting a reply.

That is why the corporate world is not direct and the language (not the wanky thought showers) has evolved to smooth communications and soothe feathers.

I didn't say i didn't intend it to be PasAg though. I tend to use the "speedy reply" one where i don't have the authority to say "do it now, fucker".
And i am 99.9% of the time not writing to native English speakers. They usually don't see it that way.
And i do escalate - so it will start with "thanks for your speedy reply" but it will go up in increments to "it is disappointing that you missed the deadline" with cc to their boss

It works very very well. They usually think "she's British, there is no way she is being rude" HA!

I didn't say i didn't intend it to be PasAg though.
in that case, carry on!

when i first started at my new company one of the bosses circulated one of those internet meme things of "what British people say vs. what they actually mean" (you know the type of thing "with all due respect" = "you complete idiot") so some of them are wise to my wily ways.

But not all of them
But pp is right. It's often about plausible deniability as far as "giving them orders" goes, so that you can be as PasAg as you like, up to a certain point where you can still - sometimes at a stretch - go all wide-eyed and "of course i didn't mean it like that, sorry if it came across that way"

"Drill down."
"Flag up".
"Nail your colours to the mast."
FUCCCKKKKK OFFFFFFFF!!!

@Brefugee

'kindly ...' means "do it" without being too authoritative. I use it a lot: kindly send your returns by x date. I then send; friendly reminder, reminder; and then "here is the shitlist of people who have been ignoring me"

I have also used "thanks in advance for your speedy reply" to convey urgency

I don't agree about the use of 'kindly'. I used to think it came across badly tbh. Slightly patronising or something.

I would just say 'please send your returns' or whatever.

Touching base
In the loop
Let’s take that offline
On the same page
Going forward

I swear I hear these terms every week during our Teams meetings.

On last weeks call I completely zoned out for the entire 30 minutes of our meeting and could think about nothing other than how much I needed a wee because I was trying so hard to stifle a massive yawn.

@browneyes77

Touching base In the loop Let’s take that offline On the same page Going forward

I swear I hear these terms every week during our Teams meetings.

On last weeks call I completely zoned out for the entire 30 minutes of our meeting and could think about nothing other than how much I needed a wee because I was trying so hard to stifle a massive yawn.

In the context of a zoom meeting, 'let's take that offline' may at least make some sense. The phrase you needed though was 'comfort break'.

I would just say 'please send your returns' or whatever.

That was me previously. They don't come back.
When i add (and i know it's PasAg - that's why i do it) "kindly" they know i am saying it "nicely" through absolutely gritted teeth and clenched fists.

It works very very well.

What's with 'pinging' people? You mean emails or Teams chat so say it

Pinging is useful shorthand for MS Teams messaging; nothing wrong with that.