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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else have an aversion to corporate bollock speak?

570 replies

LindaLaHugh · 07/02/2022 15:58

I say aversion - deep hatred would be more accurate. It gives me The Rage
You know the type of thing " deep dive" " I'll take that away to action it" " even " going forward" makes me a bit stabby

OP posts:
Nahuatal · 10/02/2022 09:32

I just 'don't have the bandwidth' to deal with that kind of nonesense.....Gargh!??!?!

TonkinLenkicks · 10/02/2022 13:31

'Embrace the new ways of working'

We've been embracing the new ways of working for 8 pissing years because they keep changing the ways of working. At what point does the 'new way' become just 'the way' we work. Well never. We have to restructure constantly because there's no money, probably spent on all the fecking project workers for these restructures. It infuriates me to the point where it's irrational, Can you tell Grin

AffIt · 10/02/2022 13:47

@Nahuatal

I just 'don't have the bandwidth' to deal with that kind of nonesense.....Gargh!??!?!
I am a wee bit guilty of this one, I'm afraid - but, in saying that, it's like showing your teeth to a dog: talking to these fuckers in their own language can be an effective way of making them back down.
daimbarsatemydogsbone · 10/02/2022 14:31

@TonkinLenkicks

'Embrace the new ways of working'

We've been embracing the new ways of working for 8 pissing years because they keep changing the ways of working. At what point does the 'new way' become just 'the way' we work. Well never. We have to restructure constantly because there's no money, probably spent on all the fecking project workers for these restructures. It infuriates me to the point where it's irrational, Can you tell Grin

Restructures are management’s way of never being accountable for anything because it always happened under the old structure. They also keep finance in busy work demanding costly changes to all systems to “reflect the revised organisational structure”.

This is why there is always money for senior bonuses and none for a rise for us plebs.

KissKissButtCheek · 10/02/2022 15:00

@SickAndTiredAgain - I think it's because Revert is a proper word from wayyyyy back, and not some crap saying people have made up to make it sound like they know what the hell they're doing!
I work in Law and it's used a lot with barristers/judges/lawyers!

crosstalk · 10/02/2022 15:20

Anyone from a management company here?

Some of it is just marketing. Look at the rubbish churned out in books purporting to revolutionise a company practice. Was the one "A mouse ate my cheese?" As I remember it was simply a book which didn't do much than persuade companies they could ignore the impact of revolutionising company practice on employees. It was gobbled up by managers who (a) fell for a great marketing title (b) didn't have a notion of how to manage.

Win Win for the author.

sanbeiji · 10/02/2022 15:25

@crosstalk

Anyone from a management company here?

Some of it is just marketing. Look at the rubbish churned out in books purporting to revolutionise a company practice. Was the one "A mouse ate my cheese?" As I remember it was simply a book which didn't do much than persuade companies they could ignore the impact of revolutionising company practice on employees. It was gobbled up by managers who (a) fell for a great marketing title (b) didn't have a notion of how to manage.

Win Win for the author.

Who stole my cheese Long winding and boring Il loving this thread though I haven’t much to contribute
belinda789 · 10/02/2022 16:23

"Push the envelope".
YES push the envelope off a cliff with you attached to it.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 10/02/2022 16:25

@belinda789

"Push the envelope". YES push the envelope off a cliff with you attached to it.
Grin
HeadPain · 10/02/2022 16:30

Glad I don't work in these environments. I'd feel like stabbing someone everyday.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 10/02/2022 16:33

A mouse ate my cheese? - doesn't exist
Who stole my cheese - is a parody of -
*Who moved my cheese" which is management book that contends employees are mice and they should get used to being reorganised to fuckery and listening to corporate bollockspeak as it's good for them.

belinda789 · 10/02/2022 16:34

from Wikipedia:-]
Birtspeak 2.0[edit] ... A column giving examples of especially convoluted and impenetrable jargon from the BBC. Named for former Director-General of the BBC John Birt.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 10/02/2022 16:34

@HeadPain

Glad I don't work in these environments. I'd feel like stabbing someone everyday.
Please tell me where I can get a job where this bollocks isn't omnipresent!
daimbarsatemydogsbone · 10/02/2022 16:35

@belinda789

from Wikipedia:-] Birtspeak 2.0[edit] ... A column giving examples of especially convoluted and impenetrable jargon from the BBC. Named for former Director-General of the BBC John Birt.
I loved (and loathed) that column in Private Eye.
RenegadeMrs · 10/02/2022 16:44

Oh god no @Violetparis. Who wants all their workmates to know everything about them? What happened to behaving professionally?

I used to work as a relationship manager for a Bank, and one of the higher ups would deliver talks on how 'we need to touch the clients with our service'. No. No we don't.

Plumface · 10/02/2022 16:46

It's a bit Michael of Bolton isn't it? Can I touch you .. there?

gingerhills · 10/02/2022 17:05

I was once hired by a start up to help them explain what they did to potential clients. They were so bogged down in obfuscating bollock-speak their pitch was impenetrable. I got one of the founders to simply the language again and again until it became clear they didn't do anything. No kidding. It wasn't even management consultancy. It was something like management experientiality. They didn't advise, they just experienced the aura of the work place and invited the staff to experience it with them. The look of embarrassment ion the founder's face when he realised that without the bollock-language it was clear they did sod all for £1000s of pounds a day.

gingerhills · 10/02/2022 17:05

simplify not simply

Phineyj · 10/02/2022 17:10

But do the mice get on with the geese? Asking for a friend.

blueshoes · 10/02/2022 17:11

@gingerhills

I was once hired by a start up to help them explain what they did to potential clients. They were so bogged down in obfuscating bollock-speak their pitch was impenetrable. I got one of the founders to simply the language again and again until it became clear they didn't do anything. No kidding. It wasn't even management consultancy. It was something like management experientiality. They didn't advise, they just experienced the aura of the work place and invited the staff to experience it with them. The look of embarrassment ion the founder's face when he realised that without the bollock-language it was clear they did sod all for £1000s of pounds a day.
Agree with this.

Corporate-speak is used by consultants to make the audience feel they are stupid so that they will pay the consultants ££££ for whatever Emperor's New Clothes on the latest buzz issue they are hawking.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 10/02/2022 17:21

@gingerhills

I was once hired by a start up to help them explain what they did to potential clients. They were so bogged down in obfuscating bollock-speak their pitch was impenetrable. I got one of the founders to simply the language again and again until it became clear they didn't do anything. No kidding. It wasn't even management consultancy. It was something like management experientiality. They didn't advise, they just experienced the aura of the work place and invited the staff to experience it with them. The look of embarrassment ion the founder's face when he realised that without the bollock-language it was clear they did sod all for £1000s of pounds a day.
I do a lot of networking with small/micro businesses and I have to say I have little idea what some of them do, even when I look at their websites. It does all seem like bollox to me. But they seem to manage to get people to pay them!

They do usually appear to have a high earning partner though so can dabble in their bollox job.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 10/02/2022 17:22

@BraveGoldie

I still don't know what granular means.

Means 'in full detail'. -

Lawyers love that one. I flatly refuse to use it.

See also "space" for sector - eg in the tech space rather than in the tech sector. Although that one has been around a while.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 10/02/2022 17:23

@ddl1

Oh goodness yes! It negatively impacts my ability to think outside the box and develop strategic modalities for incentivizing the delivery of quality outcomes!
Grin
JuergenSchwarzwald · 10/02/2022 17:31

@tunainatin

And why have people started saying 'Talk to that item on the agenda' rather than 'talk about?' why? Angry
Yes this is one that bugs me too.

Also deck for presentation but that kind of makes sense from a deck of slides.

tanktopsruleok · 10/02/2022 18:12

Haha love these and have heard many over the years. I've become immune and probably trot a few out myself!

But it's a language, like anything else I suppose. I remember being a new mum and it all being "my 136 month old is sleep regressing" " boob monster" "baby led" "cloth bum" " baby wearing" .....you pick up the lingo as a means to connect and maybe a form of acceptance

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