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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone else have an aversion to corporate bollock speak?

570 replies

LindaLaHugh · 07/02/2022 15:58

I say aversion - deep hatred would be more accurate. It gives me The Rage
You know the type of thing " deep dive" " I'll take that away to action it" " even " going forward" makes me a bit stabby

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 09/02/2022 23:07

Some parts of our company indulges in corporate bollockspeak. In our team, the main catchphrase at the moment is 'ducks in a row', but it's ok because the product manager's photo is now of a fluffy duckling, status messages are duck related etc Grin 🦆 🦆 🦆

ErrolTheDragon · 09/02/2022 23:16

The term that's puzzling me at the moment is 'jamboree' for what seem to be product/project planning sessions, with nary a sign of a campfire. Fortunately on zoom so I can mute and indulge the urge to sing 'Ging Gang Goolygoolygoolygooly wotcha ging gang goo' (apologies if I got that wrong, I never was a Boy Scout).

BraveGoldie · 10/02/2022 00:05

I still don't know what granular means.

Means 'in full detail'. -

ErrolTheDragon · 10/02/2022 00:10

@BraveGoldie

I still don't know what granular means.

Means 'in full detail'. -

Not necessarily. People may use it when referring to something being 'coarse grained' or 'fine grained'.
Daphodils · 10/02/2022 00:11

@BraveGoldie

I still don't know what granular means.

Means 'in full detail'. -

Based on a metaphor of something like a beach. You can admire the beach from afar from the clifftop. You can get up closer and see the undulating dunes. Or you can get really close up and look at each granule of sand.

Most of these bollocks terms are essentially metaphors. They become really shit when the person using them doesn't understand the metaphor and makes it into nonsense!

BraveGoldie · 10/02/2022 00:15

@blueshoes

I have heard the term 'open your kimono' used in the context of an potential M&A transaction when the target company which wants to be bought out opens its books and business to a prospective buyer.
That is really horrid and disturbing....

Kimono of course is a traditional dress of a Japanese woman..... so to open it is to reveal a woman's body for all to see.

In M+A, the 'buying company' doesn't get to see the full, confidential accounts' until after the decision to buy. When they do, this allows them to assess the true value of what they purchased and whether it was worth it.

So the anology is implying they have bought the woman, and want her to undress to see if her body was 'worth the price' or not.

That one makes me I'll and I would call someone up on that if I heard it.

KimDeals · 10/02/2022 00:20

“Socialise a document” … I actually wonder if that is outing as I have only heard my boss say it. Socialise a document?!!!

But my all time GGRRRRRR-RAR! word is…. PIVOT.

BraveGoldie · 10/02/2022 00:23

Not necessarily. People may use [granular]when referring to something being 'coarse grained' or 'fine grained'.

But we're talking about corporate speak. Of course it can mean that if you are talking about sugar, but do you mean people in business use it to mean 'slightly more course/less tiny?"

I have never ever heard that. In my experience within corporate speak, it always means in more detail.
Ie: now that we've worked out the big picture strategy, we need to get more granular....

ErrolTheDragon · 10/02/2022 00:24

@KimDeals

“Socialise a document” … I actually wonder if that is outing as I have only heard my boss say it. Socialise a document?!!!

But my all time GGRRRRRR-RAR! word is…. PIVOT.

Wtf does he mean by that?
Hawkins001 · 10/02/2022 00:25

@LindaLaHugh

I say aversion - deep hatred would be more accurate. It gives me The Rage You know the type of thing " deep dive" " I'll take that away to action it" " even " going forward" makes me a bit stabby
Personally I prefer corporate phrasing, better than the average words and phrases people use.
ErrolTheDragon · 10/02/2022 00:26

@BraveGoldie

Not necessarily. People may use [granular]when referring to something being 'coarse grained' or 'fine grained'.

But we're talking about corporate speak. Of course it can mean that if you are talking about sugar, but do you mean people in business use it to mean 'slightly more course/less tiny?"

I have never ever heard that. In my experience within corporate speak, it always means in more detail.
Ie: now that we've worked out the big picture strategy, we need to get more granular....

I'm talking about how we use it at work. Although more technical-speak than corporate-speak, I suppose.
Hawkins001 · 10/02/2022 00:27

"It presumably means to ask a person or group to gain consensus, agreement, or understanding on a document or idea among a number of people."

@ErrolTheDragon

KimDeals · 10/02/2022 00:34

@ErrolTheDragon he says it to mean share it with some people! Grin but I always hear it like I’m going to take the folder out dancing Grin

Which reminds me of another -
“Do you have sight of… ?” And “eyes on” for you are in the loop on something… like we are landing planes or something Hmm (definitely nothing remotely exciting like that)

ErrolTheDragon · 10/02/2022 00:36

It made me think of puppy training. Grin

KimDeals · 10/02/2022 00:39

@Hawkins001

"It presumably means to ask a person or group to gain consensus, agreement, or understanding on a document or idea among a number of people."

@ErrolTheDragon

Hi Boss! Grin

Yes exactly this. Share and discuss.

ddl1 · 10/02/2022 00:45

Oh goodness yes! It negatively impacts my ability to think outside the box and develop strategic modalities for incentivizing the delivery of quality outcomes!

blueshoes · 10/02/2022 01:37

That is really horrid and disturbing....

Kimono of course is a traditional dress of a Japanese woman..... so to open it is to reveal a woman's body for all to see.

In M+A, the 'buying company' doesn't get to see the full, confidential accounts' until after the decision to buy. When they do, this allows them to assess the true value of what they purchased and whether it was worth it.

So the anology is implying they have bought the woman, and want her to undress to see if her body was 'worth the price' or not.

That one makes me I'll and I would call someone up on that if I heard it.

Your description of a woman as chattel makes me ill as well. Whilst still disturbing visually, I was under the impression that it was the woman agreeing to open her kimono rather than someone doing it to her to 'inspect the goods', which would be truly vomit-inducing.

unname · 10/02/2022 02:04

@Wrongkindofovercoat

My DH invented a new non-sensical phrase, just to see what would happen. He later saw it used in a presentation

DH and a colleague used to do this to see how far it travelled. Maybe we could come up with some ? Seed the clouds ? Wink

Ha!! I’ll try to start working that in.

“Economy of effort”

It means laziness but no one will notice that.

countrygirl99 · 10/02/2022 05:54

I always think of "we need to consider the optics" being a non career destroying way of saying - "WTF are you a complete idiot? Do you want to completely destroy our credibility". At least that's the circumstances where I've used it.

Ivegottagoforaliedown · 10/02/2022 06:19

Yes!! I work in the NHS and this is getting used more and more frequently. Used to have a management team who went on all the time about doing a "deep dive" into the data. I used to images of them donning a cossie and swim goggles for the office which gave me a laugh.

"Moving forwards" is one I hear all the time and I can't fucking stand it!!!

Can't we just speak like normal people?

Arbacadarba · 10/02/2022 06:32

It was invented by consultants to cover up the fact that they don't do anything. Since adopted by people with fragile egos who need to make themselves appear to be like consultants.

We had a lot of disunity at work when we suddenly started expanding and creating some high paid jobs while the rest of us stayed on very low wages.

CEO solution was to hire yet another high wage person but this time in HR to come up with an initiative to make us all content with our low pay.

After several months of a "listening" exercise turns out the solution is for us all to think we are geese. This notwithstanding that geese are aggressive, dirty and not too bright. Apparently they are also team players and that's the important thing.

It gets worse though. Not only are we geese with geese branded post its, badges and screensavers, we are also different types of geese eg passionate geese, connected geese and so on, and we have to work out which we are and put evidence of it into our annual reviews.

We still aren't getting paid any more though and everyone is still really fucked off about that, but now we are all geese as well.

MadameHeisenberg · 10/02/2022 07:10

@Arbacadarba

Jesus, is that for real?! If so it’s a fucking disgrace.

Arbacadarba · 10/02/2022 07:13

Yes, unfortunately it is.

I agree, it's horrific.

Ivegottagoforaliedown · 10/02/2022 07:16

@Arbacadarba

It was invented by consultants to cover up the fact that they don't do anything. Since adopted by people with fragile egos who need to make themselves appear to be like consultants.

We had a lot of disunity at work when we suddenly started expanding and creating some high paid jobs while the rest of us stayed on very low wages.

CEO solution was to hire yet another high wage person but this time in HR to come up with an initiative to make us all content with our low pay.

After several months of a "listening" exercise turns out the solution is for us all to think we are geese. This notwithstanding that geese are aggressive, dirty and not too bright. Apparently they are also team players and that's the important thing.

It gets worse though. Not only are we geese with geese branded post its, badges and screensavers, we are also different types of geese eg passionate geese, connected geese and so on, and we have to work out which we are and put evidence of it into our annual reviews.

We still aren't getting paid any more though and everyone is still really fucked off about that, but now we are all geese as well.

I've always thought this! Just some way for management to justify their ridiculous salaries while us plebs do the actual work.
Arbacadarba · 10/02/2022 07:24

Yea we're definitely the plebs lol. Thing is they could have saved that person's salary and instead given us all a £2k payrise. At least then we might not have such horrendous turnover : at least three staff leave our department a month (out of 30) and while we do eventually replace them, it takes a while because wages are so very low. Geese my arse.

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