Anyone else have an aversion to corporate bollock speak?

[LindaLaHugh]

I say aversion - deep hatred would be more accurate. It gives me The Rage
You know the type of thing " deep dive" " I'll take that away to action it" " even " going forward" makes me a bit stabby

@Camdenish

I had to go offline today when someone on a Teams meeting invited us to “speak to”

I never really understand this, it does just mean speak about, doesn't it?

In other words, speak to the meeting about whatever-it-is.

I’ll never know what it means as I didn’t listen. I actually found it painful as I have to reorganize my brain to work out what’s been said, then what it means and by that point everyone else has moved on.

Reach out makes me sing Depeche mode in my head. Actually not always just in my head

@mumtoJakie I think it implies you threw a rugby ball at someone in such a way that they had to go to hospital. I mean, whatever, I do Pilates and don't know these things . And I don't recall the guy's point about management sadly!

Hospital pass is I think a rugby term meaning when you pass the ball to someone in such a way that they immediately get flattened by the opposition, i.e. a pass that puts them in hospital. So in a work context = to chuck a really shit situation at someone to sort out just before it hits the fan.

Quite like that one!

ha cross post Phineyji!

I was on the board of a very small charity about 25 years ago, and we mercilessly mocked one of our number (we were all mates) who described his answerphone messages as "voicemail". Fast forward forward a few decades....

I share the general ire about all this bollocks, with a special circle of hell for all the "myself/yourself" stuff, but nevertheless there are a couple of bollocky phrases I find useful. I find "we need to consider the optics" useful, mainly because it means you don't have to type "it's the right thing to do but we will look like utter wankers to everyone else while we are doing it, so we also need to think about things to do that might mitigate that impression" in the minutes.

I still don't know what granular means.

And what the everything fuck did "open the kimono" mean?

Oh! That does make sense to me now.

See this is what happens when they send arts managers on blokey management courses. Mystification.

"I need to procure some pencils" No Rebecca you need to go to WH Smith and buy some.

I am disturbed by the kimono.

I can do granular though. It means getting down to the fine grain and I believe it has crossed into businessspeak from architecture (e.g. a high quality design that shows finishes).

All those ssss. Possibly Parseltongue .

Parseltongue is the PERFECT way to describe this!

I would also like to know about the kimono. Sounds disturbingly like a term for flashing but surely not!

And also... can you bottom out how to capacitate that across the piece?

@Phineyj

I am disturbed by the kimono.

I can do granular though. It means getting down to the fine grain and I believe it has crossed into businessspeak from architecture (e.g. a high quality design that shows finishes).

Now this makes sense of granular.

And thanks re hospital pass...there's an alarming one in a work context.

I hated open kimono even before the Jolyon Maugham incident.

It's in education too.. 'moving foward' Urgh. I even get wound up by 'Good Morning' on emails. The worst is 'best' at the end of emails- awful.

I have heard the term 'open your kimono' used in the context of an potential M&A transaction when the target company which wants to be bought out opens its books and business to a prospective buyer.

@ArcheryAnnie

I was on the board of a very small charity about 25 years ago, and we mercilessly mocked one of our number (we were all mates) who described his answerphone messages as "voicemail". Fast forward forward a few decades....

I share the general ire about all this bollocks, with a special circle of hell for all the "myself/yourself" stuff, but nevertheless there are a couple of bollocky phrases I find useful. I find "we need to consider the optics" useful, mainly because it means you don't have to type "it's the right thing to do but we will look like utter wankers to everyone else while we are doing it, so we also need to think about things to do that might mitigate that impression" in the minutes.

I still don't know what granular means.

And what the everything fuck did "open the kimono" mean?

Or you could just say “we need to consider how this will look”

The optics is just more wanky bollock speak. It makes me think of drinking spirits in the pub.

'Baked in' tends to be used with 'DNA' as in 'baked into the DNA of the company' as in embedded into the corporate culture.

I'm in the NHS and there seems to be more and more quasi military language in use, especially since the pandemic, which I'm not very comfortable with. It started off with the increasing use of 'on the front line' but seems to be spreading. I had a boss who talked constantly about the need to 'win hearts and minds' which made it sound like we were heading off to overthrow a regime somewhere. It was also unfortunate that the strategies suggested to 'win hearts and minds' did, in practice, achieve the exact opposite i.e. alienated and baffled people.

Isn't that a strategy name from the Vietnam War? I don't think it worked terribly well there either.

Talking of emails, I have seen an increase in the number of people ending their emails with 'KR' instead of Kind Regards. I mean, what's that about? Trying show that they are far too busy to type out the full words?? Surely you can just admit them completely if time is so very short! Dicks...

[quote Phineyj]@mumtoJakie I think it implies you threw a rugby ball at someone in such a way that they had to go to hospital. I mean, whatever, I do Pilates and don't know these things . And I don't recall the guy's point about management sadly![/quote]
Thanks 👍

daimbarsate that's a fair point, well made!

@mum2jakie

Talking of emails, I have seen an increase in the number of people ending their emails with 'KR' instead of Kind Regards. I mean, what's that about? Trying show that they are far too busy to type out the full words?? Surely you can just admit them completely if time is so very short! Dicks...

I never understood "kind regards" anyway. Who is being kind in this scenario? If its supposed to be the letter-writer who is kind, and I'm the recipient, I'll be the one to decide if it's kind, thank you very much.

“Use-case” pronounced “youse case” instead of “yuice case” - meaning = example! Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!