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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else have an aversion to corporate bollock speak?

570 replies

LindaLaHugh · 07/02/2022 15:58

I say aversion - deep hatred would be more accurate. It gives me The Rage
You know the type of thing " deep dive" " I'll take that away to action it" " even " going forward" makes me a bit stabby

OP posts:
unname · 09/02/2022 02:05

I’ve hated this nonsense going on 3 decades now. But embarrassed to say that “reach out” is so engrained now I didn’t realize it was part of the nonsense until reading this thread. That you for bringing me back to reality, where words mean things.

unname · 09/02/2022 02:07

@MadameFantabulosa

Oh yes, bringing your whole self to work. I asked, what if your whole self is a bit of a cunt? I got a Paddington Hard Stare.
Grin
Heytheredemons · 09/02/2022 02:17

Only on page 5 and loving this. We have the most annoying CEO who must spend his whole time thinking up corporate bullshit to justify his ridiculous salary; some of his gems are

Gel, eg. The teams need to gel to maximise output
Brainstorm
Spider Web thinking - no Idea on this one!
Blue sky thinking
Touch base
Reach out
Loop back round to that
Agile working environment
Jump on a zoom
Let's meet in (Microsoft) Teams
Think outside the box
Hit the ground running

The list goes on.....and on.....

unname · 09/02/2022 02:48

We had a CIO that said “at the end of the day” I’ll the time. I amused myself by finishing that sentence in various ways in my head.

BritWifeInUSA · 09/02/2022 04:48

I usually just ignore it in our meetings at work. But then I heard “open the kimono” and I felt queasy. That’s the worst one I’ve ever heard.

itsgettingweird · 09/02/2022 05:06

@BobHadBitchTits

Don't come to me with problems; come to me with solutions.
I always want to reply - if I had a solution I'd be actioning it. But I don't - hence why I've come to you!
Elsielouise13 · 09/02/2022 07:15

Someone spoke to me in a meeting the other day about an ‘investment gap’. He meant the increase in his invoice v the amount I wanted to pay.

Good job it was a virtual meeting is all I can say…

Loopytiles · 09/02/2022 09:07

I don’t mind ‘come to me with solutions’ and don’t think it’s jargon. Cliche, but not jargon

Rossnagoose · 09/02/2022 09:13

@BritWifeInUSA

I usually just ignore it in our meetings at work. But then I heard “open the kimono” and I felt queasy. That’s the worst one I’ve ever heard.
Oh, urgh. Urgh.
Dragonfly97 · 09/02/2022 09:22

"Stir up some ideas in the strategy wok" 🙄

EmmaH2022 · 09/02/2022 10:00

I also hate "don't come to me with problems". You are literally paid more so you can sort problems, you wanker.

CounsellorTroi · 09/02/2022 10:04

Strategic Transformation = fixing things that weren’t broke the first place.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 09/02/2022 10:05

@Loopytiles

I don’t mind ‘come to me with solutions’ and don’t think it’s jargon. Cliche, but not jargon
I think it qualifies as "corporate bollock speak" as outlined in the OP.
CandyLeBonBon · 09/02/2022 12:59

@BritWifeInUSA

I usually just ignore it in our meetings at work. But then I heard “open the kimono” and I felt queasy. That’s the worst one I’ve ever heard.
🤮
PearlclutchersInc · 09/02/2022 13:05

My fecking team are all full of the young, mad-keen types who are chock full of it. Excited about everything, everything has a superlative and an adverb. If they cut out some of the buzz words they'd get a lot more done and sound a lot less twattish.

middle aged grump stomps off

crazyjinglist · 09/02/2022 13:18

I hate it so much that I can't even bring myself to rtft - my head was fizzing with fury after page 2! I'm a teacher. Education has its own versions of these kinds of phrases, which are equally infuriating. Speak real language, dammit!

TheTeaFairy · 09/02/2022 14:24

I get stabby with “yourself/myself/yourselves/ourselves” never mind all the other corporate bullshit! I’ve kind of learned to expect it with the younger ones but the older folks doing it should bloody well know better!

^
This.
Makes me seethe.

Just say you/me/they/we, FFS 😠

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 09/02/2022 14:35

I once worked in PR in local government and was once told by the highways department in response to a query from the local press about the purposes of a particular set of road works that they were “altering the vertical and horizontal alignment”. Not corporate speak as such but just as puzzling. “Ah” I said, after a moment’s thought “you mean you’re straightening and flattening the road”

BrightYellowDaffodil · 09/02/2022 15:40

[quote PearlclutchersInc]My fecking team are all full of the young, mad-keen types who are chock full of it. Excited about everything, everything has a superlative and an adverb. If they cut out some of the buzz words they'd get a lot more done and sound a lot less twattish.

middle aged grump stomps off

Twattergy · 09/02/2022 16:59

Verticals
Silos
Pitch deck
Operationalise
...and I use all of these despite hating them. Apart from verticals because I don't know what they are.

Phineyj · 09/02/2022 19:02

13 pages and no-one's said "hospital pass"! That really confused me on a blokey management course once.

I8toys · 09/02/2022 19:49

I've had the term firebreak today. Feck off.

EmmaH2022 · 09/02/2022 19:59

@Phineyj

13 pages and no-one's said "hospital pass"! That really confused me on a blokey management course once.
What does that mean please?
Camdenish · 09/02/2022 20:51

I had to go offline today when someone on a Teams meeting invited us to “speak to”

mum2jakie · 09/02/2022 21:05

@Phineyj

13 pages and no-one's said "hospital pass"! That really confused me on a blokey management course once.
Not heard that one before. What does it mean? @Phineyj
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